to be upset about Grandma's name change?

[crazycatz]

My DH is lucky enough to have a 96 year old Grandma who he is very close to and who has always been lovely to me. Her real name is Ivy but she has been know to friends and her husband (when he was alive) as Janet, since she was 16 and she and her best friend both decided to change their names. When I was pregnant with her first great grandchild she made me promise not to name the baby after her if it was a girl, because in her words she hated the name!! However when her granddaughter had her first child 18 months later she did call her Ivy after her Grandma and then she and her mum also started to call Grandma 'great grammy Ivy' I thought it was a bit odd. My kids have always just called her Grandma. Now she has gone into a home she is known as Ivy there and even her birthday invites say great grammy Ivy, I feel quite upset about it, it seems quite rude to change someones name like that esp as she has alzheimers. Any thoughts on this. she's kind of too confused to be upset about it herself now but it just seems mean to me!

My mother was in a nursing home (in the States) for a while. She had dementia. There was a whiteboard on the wall in her room. It had her name written on it on the top, with her preferred name in quotation marks (an unusual shortening of her first name).Every morning a staff member would come in and write the day of week and date and the names of the staff on duty for her room that day.

I noticed that every time someone came in her room, they glanced at the board and then got her name right. Every time. That's a result of a caring policy and good training of staff. It's really not that hard to provide this basic element of respect. Someone with dementia is losing is so much every day. God in heaven, let them at least keep their name.

How strange for her daughter and granddaughter to start calling her Ivy, especially as they'll only ever have known her as Janet?! Have they ever said why they've done that?

As for the nursing home, do you know what she responds to in there? It could be that they called her Janet with no response and found that Ivy worked. I only ask because after caring for residents with dementia/Alzheimer's some of them regressed back to a time when they were known as something else, Miss X instead of Mrs Y or Mister A instead of Dr etc and wouldn't respond or recognise the name they'd been using for more of their adult life.

However if the daughter has just informed them she's known as Ivy that's dreadful :(

The whiteboard is such a sensible idea Seneca. Costs nothing but has a hugely positive effect.

Might be majorly jumping to conclusions but the granddaughter sounds like a twat. Guessing she liked the 'old lady chic' sound of Ivy and thought it would be the icing on the cake if her DD could be named after someone ('she's named after my Grandma...' 'Oh Hun, that's so sweeeet'). So she has decided to effectively rename her vulnerable Grandma to fit this, despite GM specifically saying she hates Ivy and is called Janet. I might be overreacting / misjudging but I think it's fucking appalling.

Dementiawidow it's shocking how little people listen isn't it? It's such a basic but powerful thing to get someone's name right. Like you say, if a forthright, high profile person can't make themselves heard then what chance the less articulate people with less clout.

I agree that it's terrible if the staff and other relatives are not referring to her by her preferred name - and dementiawidow that is an appalling story, I hope you can get some recognition of his name

My grandmother has dementia and no longer remembers anything from after the age of about 18/20 - she doesn't know her children/grandchildren or her husband, but seems to think of herself as about 16 or younger, depending on the day. Could it be that the OP's grandmother's memory has regressed to a similar age?

I had an elderly uncle, unmarried, who lost contact with all his siblings after their mother died. I found out that he had Parkinson's disease and other health issues, and spent his last year in a nursing home. Although his birth is registered as William Henry, he was always known as Harry. I was really upset when I found that his death had been registered as Harold.

That's really sad vixster

God this thread is upsetting.

This reminds me of a poem by Wendy Cope:

"She was Eliza for a few weeks
when she was a baby –
Eliza Lily. Soon it changed to Lil.

Later she was Miss Steward in the baker’s shop
And then ‘my love’, ‘my darling’, Mother.

Widowed at thirty, she went back to work
As Mrs Hand. Her daughter grew up,
Married and gave birth.

Now she was Nanna. ‘Everybody
Calls me Nanna,’ she would say to visitors.
And so they did – friends, tradesmen, the doctor.

In the geriatric ward
They used the patients’ Christian names.
‘Lil,’ we said, ‘or Nanna,’
But it wasn’t in her file
And for those last bewildered weeks
She was Eliza once again."

She's been known most of her life as Janet, she chose to be called Janet, so she should be called Janet by nurses and family.

Just echoing what everyone else has said; she needs to be known by her name, and that's Janet. I work in healthcare and many ladies in their 80s/90s are known by another name or a middle name. It's always documented in the notes. It's really important.

I have a long "formal" name and a shortening. I was hospitalised and was repeatedly called by the "wrong" name, which no one close to me has ever used. I found it jarring and upsetting, and I don't have dementia. She is vulnerable and needs caring for. It's nobody's business which name is "nicer".

The name Janet also has links to her best friend, and hopefully warm memories that you'll want her to retain as her illness progresses.

Jammy that is a heart breaking poem, thank you for sharing it.

Ivy is back in fashion (I reckon names are on about a 100 year rotation)

I imagine when she was 16 'Janet' perhaps seemed more trendy/younger. Whatever the reason for her change, it is the name she has chosen to go by for 80 years and of course she should have that choice respected now. As PP have said, the fact of her having Alzheimers makes it even more important to have that familiarity.

Sorry if I’m not clear on the relationships, but is the mum who’s colluding with this name change your DH’s sister? If so, he has just as much standing as one of Janet’s relatives as she does, so the staff at the home should be listening to him as well.

Being of a somewhat suspicious mind (having knowledge of shenanigans that can go on in some families), I’d wonder if the naming of the baby and the renaming of the grandmother was about inheritance.

More importantly, Seneca's point: Of course it's the OP's business. I think it is the business of anyone who gives a damn about Janet's basic dignity and rights as a human being is so relevant that it bears repeating, if necessary to the staff at the home. From a common law legal point of view, your name is what you call yourself, irrespective of what any document has on it.

dementiawidow - that is horribly unacceptable. Have you tried PALS? That’s an issue they should take seriously, for exactly the same point about basic dignity. In the hospital I used to work in, if a patient was known by a name other than the first name as printed on their labels, staff would often write that in large letters on the front of the patient’s notes. The hospital beds also had a plastic slot on the top rail of the headboard where staff would slide in a piece of paper with the patient’s preferred term of address. So there were at least two fairly obvious clues.

I only ask because after caring for residents with dementia/Alzheimer's some of them regressed back to a time when they were known as something else, Miss X instead of Mrs Y or Mister A instead of Dr etc and wouldn't respond or recognise the name they'd been using for more of their adult life.

This with bells on. Unfortunately my Great Aunt regressed to the one time in her life when she'd had a massive fall out with her brother (my Granddad) and consequently barred him and almost his family from her funeral. Some understood, some didn't.

Incidentally she went by a different name too but I have no idea if it was or wasn't recognised by carers.

I am appalled by this, poor Janet.

Also, if this was my OHs grandmother I would get involved, at least a chat with the care team leader/manager. Absolutely 100%, I don't care if it was none of my business, I would be in there as soon as possible.

We have to document their given names but if there is a name in capital letters next to it then that is the name we use, always.

What if she didn't want you taking the names Ivy because she wanted it to go to her direct granddaughter?
It's her direct grandchild if it's her grandson child. that's quite an offensive things to say

My uncle couldn't say "Mummy" so my grandmother became "Mimi"... Her three kids called her that, and she wished they'd say "Mummy" instead. When the grandkids were born she desperately wanted to be called "Granny" but we called her Mimi. When I gave birth and called my daughter Mimi, my grandmother began to realize for the first time how special her name was, and that it came from a place of love and respect.

Is there any chance that as her dementia has taken hold her memories have regressed to a time she was known as Ivy?

If not, then you need to speak to her caregivers about the situation... it can only be more confusing for her to be known by a name she hasn't used since she was a girl.

Are you sure that if she has Alzheimer's that she hasn't gone back to thinking she's pre-sixteen though?
My Gran had it and she knew perfect well what year it was and where she lived. It was 1948 and she was convinced her address was the one she hadn't lived in for 40 years. Only 2 homes after that, the last she'd lived in for over half that time. She would get very angry and upset if you tried to suggest otherwise.
And then there was the man in the home she was in who told us all about his dad's allotment he went to every Sunday-he tried to go down during the week if he didn't have too much homework. And the lady who at dinner time used to go and fetch her coat and hat because her mum would pick her up shortly and she'd be cross if she wasn't ready...

If she's reverted back to pre-name change it could actually be very confusing and upsetting for them to insist on her new name.

My Mil had dementia. In the early stages she became obsessed about her childhood talking about her parents and siblings as if they were next door. They were all dead years. I'm wondering if this lady began to call herself Ivy as resorting to childhood and forgetting the years in between. My Mil even went so far as to get the bus to the other side of the city as was going home. She hadn't lived there for over 60 years. Clutching at straws here but maybe it's all lvys own doing and she is more comfortable with lvy as that's the name of her childhood. It would be good for your dh to talk in a non accusing way to her dd first.
I am appalled at the health workers not giving your dh his correct name dementia widow.

Similar happened with my mum. She was called Cissy at the boarding school she attended from age 6. Always said she hated her name particularly because of the way it was abbreviated / people couldn't be bothered to say it properly. When she went into care home all the staff were calling her Cissy. Apparently that's what she asks them to call her / won't answer to her proper name. (Though this is not always the case. Sometimes she would get very cross over it.) She's just lost that connection to her adult self. (Thinks she's back at boarding school.) Really sad.

My hunch is that she fancied naming her dd after grandma but didn't fancy 'baby Janet' as 'baby Ivy' sounds much sweeter.
I think they are taking advantage of Grandma's condition to suit their own preference and whims.

Yes I think this is what I will go for!