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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about Grandma's name change?

82 replies

crazycatz · 10/09/2016 18:35

My DH is lucky enough to have a 96 year old Grandma who he is very close to and who has always been lovely to me. Her real name is Ivy but she has been know to friends and her husband (when he was alive) as Janet, since she was 16 and she and her best friend both decided to change their names. When I was pregnant with her first great grandchild she made me promise not to name the baby after her if it was a girl, because in her words she hated the name!! However when her granddaughter had her first child 18 months later she did call her Ivy after her Grandma and then she and her mum also started to call Grandma 'great grammy Ivy' I thought it was a bit odd. My kids have always just called her Grandma. Now she has gone into a home she is known as Ivy there and even her birthday invites say great grammy Ivy, I feel quite upset about it, it seems quite rude to change someones name like that esp as she has alzheimers. Any thoughts on this. she's kind of too confused to be upset about it herself now but it just seems mean to me!

OP posts:

quicklydecides · 10/09/2016 19:15

But why is it your business?
You are the wife of one of her grandchildren.
How many children does she have?
Who is closest to her? Lived with her or beside her? Who is her n next of kin?
Unless it's you, it's none of your business.
What if she didn't want you taking the names Ivy because she wanted it to go to her direct granddaughter?

SandyPantz · 10/09/2016 19:17

definitely speak to the manager about this, they definitely need to know, it'll affect their care giving if they're calling someone by a name that they don't want to be called by

dementiawidow · 10/09/2016 19:18

This is really upsetting and something I am living through right now. My DH has early onset dementia and other life limiting illness, so has a lot of medical care. He has always been know by his middle name, let's say, Michael. That is who he is. But his first name is something else, rather dated and really not him, let's say Percy. Even though he has me there to advocate for him at every single appointment, and in every dealing with nurses, care homes, whatever, he is persistently called Percy. I correct it every single time. I have written to every professional and asked every receptionist to change it on his records. To absolutely no effect. I am actually really desperate about it, because I know I am facing his final days, and I don't want nursing staff to be saying "Percy this" and "Percy that" to him and in front of me and our children, when he is leaving us. It is so horrible and upsetting, but no matter what I do and how hard and strongly I try, I cannot get any respect at all in this matter.

SenecaFalls · 10/09/2016 19:18

Of course it's the OP's business. I think it is the business of anyone who gives a damn about Janet's basic dignity and rights as a human being.

raviolidreaming · 10/09/2016 19:20

Of course it's the OP's business. I think it is the business of anyone who gives a damn about Janet's basic dignity and rights as a human being

100% this.

MitzyLeFrouf · 10/09/2016 19:20

'But why is it your business?'

Because she cares about her.

SandyPantz · 10/09/2016 19:21

Of course it's the OP's business. I think it is the business of anyone who gives a damn about Janet's basic dignity and rights as a human being.

This with bells on!

Dimentiawidow that is awful care, you are dead right to expect better, most places that care for people with dimentia actively seek out which name people prefer and other preferences.

Chikara · 10/09/2016 19:21

Goingtobeawesome - I think that you are right.

My SiL chose a very popular name for her DD and when anyone said "Oh, that's lovely.." and hinted at popularity - she would say "Oh it's a family name - after my Great grandmother". Made her sound posh rather than following the herd!

Agree with others re speaking to Home.

KermitRuffinsTrumpet · 10/09/2016 19:22

Respect is the right word dementiawidow. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. What you, your husband and children are going through is devastating enough without the added insult of repeatedly not getting his name right.

Chikara · 10/09/2016 19:24

dementiawidow - very sad for you. Dm has dementia - so horrible. Can't imagine what it must be like to have a husband ill with it.

KermitRuffinsTrumpet · 10/09/2016 19:25

Of course it's the OP's business. I think it is the business of anyone who gives a damn about Janet's basic dignity and rights as a human being.

Well said Seneca

WuTangFlan · 10/09/2016 19:28

We can probably assume there was a good reason she changed her name from Ivy to Janet. Having another Ivy around might bring back unpleasant memories as to why she left Ivy behind.

But more to the point, call your baby what you like - that's your prerogative. But do not invalidate the identity of a person with Alzheimers by changing her name just because you can and Janet is not in a position to stand up for herself.

My name is WuTangFlan, don't call me Bob as I'll have no idea you're talking to me, I'll probably ignore you, or be rather baffled if you insist I am Bob - it's going to mask or muddy the progression of Alzheimers in Janet to others in that respect, which could result in her being treated inappropriately.

SenecaFalls · 10/09/2016 19:29

dementiawidow Your post makes me so angry on your husband's behalf. It's stunning to me that people who should know better are so disrespectful. Thankfully, he has you as as advocate.

KermitRuffinsTrumpet · 10/09/2016 19:32

Good point about it possibly influencing treatment, WuTangFlan

'Patient no longer responding to own name'

Chillingly easy to happen.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/09/2016 19:34

OP it sounds like a horrid situation where history is being rewritten to suit the whims of the family. What does your DH want to do? Can he talk to his parents about it?

MyVaginaIsSparticus · 10/09/2016 19:36

Yanbu how shit of your family to call her a name she doesn't like so she can be 'grandma ivy'and it's awful it's being continued.

dementiawidow · 10/09/2016 19:37

Thanks for your kind words Kermit, Chikara and Seneca. It is the most appalling situation and I am really desperate with despair and anger. For what it's worth, I am just 48 years old and in the world outside dementia I actually have a pretty high-profile profile professional life. But I still can't get anyone even to listen to this request. Social workers are the absolute worst of the lot. When I get through this, I think I am going to go on a crusade. OP I totally feel for you.

Canyouforgiveher · 10/09/2016 19:39

What if she didn't want you taking the names Ivy because she wanted it to go to her direct granddaughter?

What on earth is a direct granddaughter?

My mother had a similar story about using names. When she was in a nursing home she was called by the name she had used for more than 65 years. I think OP's husband should explain the situation to the nursing home staff.

It is fairly basic decency to call someone what they want to be called - even after they are ill.

fastdaytears · 10/09/2016 19:44

What if she didn't want you taking the names Ivy because she wanted it to go to her direct granddaughter?

MitzyLeFrouf · 10/09/2016 19:46

I think we can safely assume that OP's grandma in law didn't change her name to Janet in 1936 in order to thwart any 21st century incomers to the family who might want to pinch her name..............

ivykaty44 · 10/09/2016 19:46

Have you had any conversation with the granddaughter as to why she has done this?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/09/2016 19:48

My Mother has Alzheimer's, she too changed her name, when she was a young lady.
Let's say her name is Molly, she decided to call herself Jean, after a pact with her best friend.
Since going into care, after all these years as Jean, she now refers to herself as Molly-Jean.
Maybe it really doesn't matter that much.
Just shining a different light, that's all.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 10/09/2016 19:50

oh Dementiawidow I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

OP - you too! How dare they change her name just because she can no longer defend herself. Your DH is her grandson - could he talk to Hhis parents ( if still around) and ask them to speak to the home? if not, then you/he most definitely should - and call her by her preferred name when you are there.

Thankfully when my Nanna had dementia, we didn't experience any of this. Her care was good, she was called by whichever name the family stipulated (which in her case was Mrs arrghh) as she'd always been a "proper" kind of lady.

I really hope both you and DementiaWidow are able to give your loved ones back their identity.

minatiae · 10/09/2016 19:52

It's sad. A person with Alzheimer's needs as much consistency as possible to maintain as much memory as possible. This shouldn't be happening.

Arfarfanarf · 10/09/2016 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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