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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Large Families

686 replies

Czerny88 · 10/09/2016 17:56

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind people having large families (by which I mean anything over three children, I guess). NB I'm thinking about people in the 21st century, in the West, with access to contraception and low infant mortality, who don't belong to a culture where it is particularly encouraged to have a large number of children, such as Judaism. And obviously there are circumstances such as multiple births which don't apply.

My visceral feeling is that it is often wrong on many levels. In attempting to enunciate why, I would say people should not have more children than they can afford, than they have time to care for, than can fit comfortably in their living accommodation.

And even in the case where the parents are very wealthy, have a huge house and extra support such as a nanny, there is still the hugely important issue of over-population. It feels like we are at capacity already, without room to increase the population by the amount would result by every couple having even three children.

I'm trying not to be too goady or right-wing, and I have personal reasons for the way I feel (I am involuntarily childless) so please don't be too harsh, but it's something I struggle with ideologically as well as emotionally.

So... AIBU to think that people should be more responsible about how many children they produce and not act solely on their own desires regardless of the potential effects on others? Or is that an unrealistic, draconian expectation?

OP posts:
Katarzyna79 · 14/09/2016 00:32

one thing ive noticed on comments about big families( apparently over 3 children ROFL),well you can't possibly give them attention. Well guess what I know parents who have 1 or 2 children and come home after a long day at work, have dinner quickly with very little time to speak with their children. They may get more time in the weekend between doing the grocery shop, homework and shipping kids to their sports games. So why do we assume those with less kids by default "must" be giving their kids more 1-1 time, that's not necessarily true at all.

btw I have 4 kids I think 6 kids is the start of a big family, maybe i'm delusional but its a very subjective thing. I grew up in the 80s and 90s where most families Asian, or Caucasian had 7 kids or more in a 3 bed terraced house, so forgive me if im delusional.

ItsQueenieBitch · 14/09/2016 00:35

People's choices are of no concern to you unless something they do directly has a negative affect on your life
Overpopulation will become everyones problem in the near future.

Cagliostro · 14/09/2016 01:21

I'd have more if we could afford it definitely. I have a boy and a girl.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2016 02:19

Only inasmuch as they both take up space and use resources.

The car and the cat take up space and use resources and do not add one ounce of potential to make the world a better place. I like the cat and I like the car. But the car is a net user of resources that adds to my carbon footprint, and the cat while charming is never going to pay tax.

I am not misinterpreting you, btw.
I am not the only one here who thinks your OP and subsequent posts were crass.

Anyway, I'm certainly not going to apologise for thinking that people should give due consideration to actually creating a new human being.
So the Orthodox, et al, are blindly following the dictates of the Torah or other sacred text? There is something wrong with following your conscience?

The decisions of other people about family size are not your business. Nobody owes you an explanation of their free and conscious choice,and you should not presume to call the choices of others anything but free or conscious.

I have grasped the concept of people wanting things. But, having passed the toddler stage, I have also grasped the concept of not always being able to have everything you want, especially if it has an adverse effect on others.
And yet you posted your offensive OP here and you are still posting...

Not to mention the equation of people choosing to have 'large' families with toddler unable to grasp the ideas of selflessness or self restraint.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2016 08:19

"I grew up in the 80s and 90s where most families Asian, or Caucasian had 7 kids or more in a 3 bed terraced house"

What are you on about? The average number of children in the 80s and 90s was 2.4.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/09/2016 08:21

The car and the cat take up space and use resources and do not add one ounce of potential to make the world a better place. I like the cat and I like the car. But the car is a net user of resources that adds to my carbon footprint, and the cat while charming is never going to pay tax.

Surely cars and cats are just things that people acquire, so the more children you have, the more cats and cars (and many other things) you've indirectly consumed?

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2016 08:21

"No state benefits hubby works to provide for us and I get to stay home and bring them up! "

No child benefit? No state education? No NHS? Almost all of us get help from the state in one way or another.

"As for over population unless you live in China or India it's not really a massive issue!"

Environmentalists argue that having children in the west is a bigger problem because we use more resources here.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 14/09/2016 09:28

People are no more naturally destructive than any other species

Seriously???

I think I must live on a different planet to some of you!!

MuseumOfCurry · 14/09/2016 09:31

People are no more naturally destructive than any other species

How did I miss this one?

Are you kidding?

rockyroad3 · 14/09/2016 09:38

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind people having large families

I would consider a large family 7+, definitely not 3!

From a psychological perspective I personally think it is very interesting unpicking the motives behind super size families. Documentaries which have shown these families are usually women who are "addicted to newborns" which I believe is some type of defence mechanism to childhood trauma.

splendide · 14/09/2016 12:19

"I grew up in the 80s and 90s where most families Asian, or Caucasian had 7 kids or more in a 3 bed terraced house"

This is actually hilarious. Yes you're quite right, those of us in our 20s and 30s mostly have 6 or more siblings.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:35

Environmentalists argue that having children in the west is a bigger problem because we use more resources here

And economists argue having less children in the west is a bigger problem.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:38

Well if you're going to label me a "goady fucker" I may as well live up to it

You did that from your first post, OP, no need to get even worse. Are you going to apologise to all the people you insulted when you expected them to base their reproductive choices on your ideological comfort zone?

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/09/2016 12:41

She has nothing to apologise for. That's her opinion, many people think otherwise.

End of story.

EllenDegenerate · 14/09/2016 12:42

I think we should leave OP alone.

It must be absolutely awful to be infertile.
I have no axe to grind with her, the OP is understandable under the circumstances.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:42

Not really, when your opinions are stated in a grossly offensive manner, there is more to it.
Opinions are like arseholes, everyones got one and they are mostly full of shit. And you should generally keep yours to yourself.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/09/2016 12:43

Yeah right. MN would grind to a halt if people kept their opinions to themselves.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:44

Just their most offensive ones. Like "some of your children shouldn't exist, because I have a problem with anyone having more than 2". That kind of shit is usually kept inside your own head.

EllenDegenerate · 14/09/2016 12:47

Oh Fluffy give over.

Anybody with a modicum of sense can see that the OP is informed entirely by her abject envy.
She deserves pity and sympathy rather than ridicule.

Nobody needs to justify themselves to the OP, it's not her fault that they don't recognise her opinions for what they are.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/09/2016 12:48

Lots of people these days (like David Attenborough!) aren't anti large families. Unless someone comes knocking on your front door and says 'I have a problem with your family' I don't think you should take it so personally.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:49

Nobody needs to justify themselves to the OP, it's not her fault that they don't recognise her opinions for what they are

It's not my fault you don't, and I don't need to justify myself to you Hmm

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/09/2016 12:49

Nice polite way of getting the boot in Ellen!

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/09/2016 12:50

Lots of people these days (like David Attenborough!) aren't anti large families.

That should be 'are anti large families'.

EllenDegenerate · 14/09/2016 12:50

I'm terribly sorry but you aren't making any sense Fluffy.

Of course you don't need to justify yourself to me.
Justify what exactly? I don't care how many children you have/plan to have.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 14/09/2016 12:52

Making perfect sense if you follow.

You telling me to leave the OP alone blah blah, well I don't have to. She started the thread, I think to be nasty and goady on purpose. Why should I give her a break?