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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Large Families

686 replies

Czerny88 · 10/09/2016 17:56

I'm trying to understand the psychology behind people having large families (by which I mean anything over three children, I guess). NB I'm thinking about people in the 21st century, in the West, with access to contraception and low infant mortality, who don't belong to a culture where it is particularly encouraged to have a large number of children, such as Judaism. And obviously there are circumstances such as multiple births which don't apply.

My visceral feeling is that it is often wrong on many levels. In attempting to enunciate why, I would say people should not have more children than they can afford, than they have time to care for, than can fit comfortably in their living accommodation.

And even in the case where the parents are very wealthy, have a huge house and extra support such as a nanny, there is still the hugely important issue of over-population. It feels like we are at capacity already, without room to increase the population by the amount would result by every couple having even three children.

I'm trying not to be too goady or right-wing, and I have personal reasons for the way I feel (I am involuntarily childless) so please don't be too harsh, but it's something I struggle with ideologically as well as emotionally.

So... AIBU to think that people should be more responsible about how many children they produce and not act solely on their own desires regardless of the potential effects on others? Or is that an unrealistic, draconian expectation?

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikesflowers · 11/09/2016 12:44

Blimey this thread has turned nasty.

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 12:47

Oh sorry Delicatething

I honestly didn't realise that the aim was for us to patronise each other.

Duly noted; let me assure you that any further comments shall be markedly less feeble.

Just to please you Grin

miserablesod · 11/09/2016 12:49

Yes because i find those questions nosey and rude. Why does a complete stranger need to know my salary or that my children have the same father? Thats not being curious, thats being nosey.

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 12:51

You know Leave
Even if Miserable is being disingenuous when asserting that curiosity is 'fine' that doesn't necessitate that abject condemnation is acceptable either.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 12:51

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DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 12:53

...your ability to afford...

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 12:55

You deduce that my cage has been rattled by my profession of sympathy for the OPs plight.

It also seems that you need to judge me as an irresponsible person because I'm pregnant with my fifth child.

Perhaps you're deserving of my sympathies too Delicatething Flowers

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 12:56

Ouchy.

Lollol

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 12:56

FIVE?

Oh my god.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 12:57

Poor soul.

miserablesod · 11/09/2016 12:59

Oh well, just as well i don't particularly care what a bunch of strangers think. As long as they stay out of my way i'm happy to get on with my life the way it is, i really suggest all the judgemental people focus their energy on the same. Grin

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 13:00

Exactly why are you so intent on proving my point Delicatething ?

miserablesod · 11/09/2016 13:01

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miserablesod · 11/09/2016 13:02

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DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 13:05

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LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 11/09/2016 13:06

miseable yes it is just as well isn't it?

Only people that give zero fucks about how their decisions impact on or are perceived by others can generally do things with a straight face and a sense of entitlement that other people wince.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 11/09/2016 13:06

Make other people wince

essie100 · 11/09/2016 13:06

I'm not sure there is 1 main reason why I chose to have 'lots' of children- I can justify it if you like by saying I'm just having my friends 'quota' I'm a 'good' mum and have great pregnancies- I recycle and cloth nappy (but we also fly and drive sometimes).
I do have enough time for them all - I'm sure they'd all like more but I see that as a good sign - at least they're all still talking to me!
I've always loved children, I love my life and I'm good at being a mum and that's all the reason I need.

EllenDegenerate · 11/09/2016 13:08

'Utterances' (although the correct term is assertions) do not reliably denote behaviour as far as I am aware.

If you shan't answer my question I shan't deign to grant you or your illogical premises any further audience.

Have a nice afternoon, won't you? Smile

NotAsYoungAsIWas · 11/09/2016 13:09

MrsMargeSimpson

I have four - and couldn't have said it better myself!!

Czerny88 · 11/09/2016 13:15

Well this has certainly made me think.

I guess I started the thread to find out whether - as a result of my situation - my feelings about large families were just the result of projection or jealousy, or were in any way justified. I still can't empathise with why anyone would want more than a couple of kids, but that is not a value judgment. I wanted to know if other people felt like this without coming from a position of childlessness.

I probably shouldn't have used the word "wrong" (although I did try to say that that was just how it felt to me, and did qualify it), but I still feel that people should consider the ramifications of having many children beyond simply "wanting" it or it being their "right". If having a large family could be detrimental to the children in question, or the planet in general, I don't think this should be dismissed.

And I certainly don't feel smug about not having children. Plenty of other complex feelings, but smug is not one of them.

There seems to be a default position that it's "judgemental" and necessarily "offensive" to examine other people's decisions and opinions, but I'm afraid I don't agree with that. We judge and question other people all the time, albeit often tacitly, and as a consequence many things that used to be seen as acceptable and normal no longer happen.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 11/09/2016 13:15

This way of thinking is not really relevant here. Overpopulation problems are not coming from the western world. And I dare you to go to some african or asian countries facing real overpopulation problems to tell them to tone down the breeding. As if they did need some more western advice on how to live their lives. (Even if that could be relevant)

alltouchedout · 11/09/2016 13:19

I was half way through typing out a long and Co Sidereal

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 11/09/2016 13:20

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LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 11/09/2016 13:21

You obviously still are alltouchedout 😂