To not let exh back in my flat

[GettingScaredNow]

I'm not. But I'm coming under massive pressure here. And looking for a bit of encouragement I guess!

Back ground is he was a miserable narcissistic EA manipulative husband.
He threatened to kill me so I had him arrested and he hasn't been back in my flat since.
That was all 8 weeks ago.
He has had contact with DC, nothing is completely set yet as struggling to agree contact schedule.
He is supposed to be seeing ds today. He usually picks them up and takes them out somewhere. Park, soft play etc.
He won't take them to his flat share as he says it isn't clean, he has seen rats in the garden and he doesn't know the other tenants well enough.

So today it's raining. He is putting me under pressure to come and play with ds here.

Saying it's not fair that I have been away all week and now when he finally gets a chance to see his son he can't cos it's raining and I'm being selfish and stopping him seeing his kids.

I think I've gone above and beyond by giving him several examples of local free indoor stuff to do and said as long as his room is clean then I don't see the issue with ds going there.

Just venting I guess and also looking for someone to stop me breaking my resolve.

I didn't think it would change their answers, the first set of responses asked why he couldn't go to soft plays etc. I provided the information which I had forgotten to put in the opening post. I am also the type of person who thinks u can't make a proper judgement without all the relevant information.

Might not be my responsibility, and if he asked from a point of view that it was about him then I probably wouldn't need any support I saying no.
But when he's saying I'm stopping him seeing his kids and I'm stopping g the kids seeing their dad it becomes difficult to keep my resolve.

"you are turning down the agree contact arrangement" is more like what I meant to type!

RandomMess
Thanks, those are great responses.
I don't really get why I find him so difficult to deal with. He has some spell over me that makes me totally lose my footing and become really u sure of myself.

I will jot down suggestions and add to my diary as I do keep a record of all contact and passed up contact etc

Tough shit for him really, this is what happens when you threaten murder.

You know YANBU. His fault he's in that situation, and there are PLENTY of places he can take them for free that aren't your place of safety.

No no no!

Sorry that was short but it's what popped straight into my mind lol!

He's playing you, testing boundaries, getting under your skin, creating drama...Stand firm and don't let him manipulate you or access arrangements.

Remember you don't have to make his life easier, you don't have to facilitate him, it's not up to you to provide a space for him.
If he's been offered a contact centre and turns it down, then he's creating his own problem.

You're apart because of a threat to your life not because it was hard to live together.

Don't let him in whatever you do. "Once" will become "every time rains/is windy/overcast/he doesn't feel like going anywhere", and that will quickly translate into "every visit" because once there is a precedent it is much harder for you to reasonably refuse and he will use it against you with the kids( '"See, Daddy didn't kill Mummy after all, but nasty Mummy STILL makes us walk the streets in the rain even though Daddy isn't gong to hurt anyone.")

Stop the rot before it starts - you were incredibly brave getting rid of him in the first place; don't give him a crack to weasel his way back through.

Why can't he just clean the flat?

Basically he has done a huge number on you.

Hopefully you can go down a more fixed contact routine now school is back, I would avoid even answering any of his texts as it's a way of drawing you in. One solution is that you keep a separate sim just for contact. As he works shifts it is more difficult I get that but the basic rules are made and when he deviates just ignore or reply back contact was agreed as x

If he has no money he can take them to see relatives if any live locally.

It's a power play by him. Don't rise to it or offer solutions and definitely don't let him in your flat and put you into a vulnerable position. I agree if you say yes once, it will become every time. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Just keep your communications to purely factual eg. "It is your turn to have DS on Sunday at 2pm. If you do not collect him from X by 2pm, I will assume it is not happening." No need to engage in any other conversation at all whatever he says.

Stay strong OP, YANBU. My ex did this and I stupidly let him in a few times, then he started being his old self - criticising me and saying I'm unreasonable for only having instant coffee (I'm not using the sodding cafetiere for my occasional cup when I prefer tea), for not letting him use my shower/washing machine, for not letting him nap on my sofa when he's supposed to be seeing DS. He gave all the same reasons - it's raining, it's cold, I have no money.

He's fucked off now and been NC for nearly a year. If he decides to grace us with his presence again he will be welcome on the doorstep only.

If your exH can't provide an activity he has the choice to do something free or not see DC. He should not use this as an opportunity to criticise you but to learn to budget better himself! This is not your responsibility and him saying it is is just another way for him to continue being EA to you.

There's a million and one places he could go with the kids and not have to go to your flat. He is trying to manipulate you.

Just say no.

OP I understand how you feel as my ex is similar and makes me feel IABU when I know I am not. I made the mistake of letting him into my house and it was a very bad idea.

There's a thread in Relationships you might find useful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2699749-support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh

You sound brave and strong and intelligent. What an incredibly stressful thing to go through. Well done you for getting him out. Simply "No. You cannot come here" repeated ad infinitum. Don't feel it's your responsibility to suggest alternatives, he's a grown man. If he turns down the offer of contact keep a record of it as other posters have said. Stick to your guns and stay strong.

Is this the same guy that bugged your flat?

Why would you give him the opportunity to do that again?

He's close to controlling you still. No way not under any circumstances. His time, his decision where to go and what to do. And don't give him any suggestions as to where to go. He doesn't respect you or anything you say and will use anything you say against you. He's a grown man let him work it out for himself.

No of course YANBU, don't let him in your flat.

Libraries are great places if he is not entertaining a contact centre. Free and dry...

I think yr still to involved with him.its not yr problem....I'm surprised he's allowed to be on his own with yr child...are the police involved?

No way. YANBU. His problem to solve i.e to organise a proper place where he can meet the child.

By to involved I mean replying to his texts,or answering calls...you just need to basic text of the time he picks up and drops of child.dont reply to anything else

Stay strong and keep him out. Plenty of inexpensive things can be done indoors, cafe, cinema, swimming etc.

He threatened to kill you.

Next time he starts up, text and say. "You threatened to kill me. You are never having access to my flat. I suggest a contact centre".

And repeat.

He is working out how firm your boundaries are. Show him they are rock solid...