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AIBU?

To not let exh back in my flat

60 replies

GettingScaredNow · 10/09/2016 13:14

I'm not. But I'm coming under massive pressure here. And looking for a bit of encouragement I guess!

Back ground is he was a miserable narcissistic EA manipulative husband.
He threatened to kill me so I had him arrested and he hasn't been back in my flat since.
That was all 8 weeks ago.
He has had contact with DC, nothing is completely set yet as struggling to agree contact schedule.
He is supposed to be seeing ds today. He usually picks them up and takes them out somewhere. Park, soft play etc.
He won't take them to his flat share as he says it isn't clean, he has seen rats in the garden and he doesn't know the other tenants well enough.

So today it's raining. He is putting me under pressure to come and play with ds here.
Saying it's not fair that I have been away all week and now when he finally gets a chance to see his son he can't cos it's raining and I'm being selfish and stopping him seeing his kids.

I think I've gone above and beyond by giving him several examples of local free indoor stuff to do and said as long as his room is clean then I don't see the issue with ds going there.

Just venting I guess and also looking for someone to stop me breaking my resolve.

OP posts:

Report

SharonfromEON · 10/09/2016 15:36

No reason to even discuss with him...

I agree do not engage do not try and resolve his problems..He knows when he is having his child keep a tenner aside for when he sees them.. If he doesn't his problem...

Contact is on ....
I can't do anything it is raining, I am broke, I have a splinter....
Ok well see you next week.

I get the way it is tough to deal with..I remember going to mediation...I was fine it was about my DS then ..I only heard his voice and felt myself shrink.

Less contact with you the better.

One thing I realised..He wasn't interested in my opinion when we were together so now separated he definitely isn't.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/09/2016 15:30

No don't, either contact centre or not at all. With his history, don't let him, he might use it to wheedle his away back into your life. Keep his contact separate. He could use the library, shopping nall, but then MacDonald's etc, or contact centre.

Trifleorbust · 10/09/2016 15:25

What is in his flat that he's so scared of being found out about?

Charley50 · 10/09/2016 14:51

Agree with everyone else. He's testing your boundaries and trying to get a foot back in the door. Be strong. (That first came out as 'be string' )

I made the mistake of letting my abusive ex in my home in the early days after we split. He became very abusive and threatening and I had to call the police again.

Fanjolena · 10/09/2016 14:48

Tell him to go and visit relatives for the day, his parents or other relatives if he has no parents. Don't let him in, he's trying to manipulate and wheedle his way back.

SabineUndine · 10/09/2016 14:44

Sweetie, he's trying it on. There's no reason he can't use an umbrella or a waterproof, take the kids to the park and sit in a shelter while they play. Your flat is your space, and you shouldn't have to say 'no' more than once.

memyselfandaye · 10/09/2016 14:37

Stay strong. He can clean the flat, tidy the garden, and he can start managing his money better so he can do things with them.

Or he can stop being a prick and use a contact centre.

Fuck him, your home is your safe place.

Stay strong.

KickAssAngel · 10/09/2016 14:30

If he's working FT then he has the resources to pay for going swimming with his son. If he's spent all his money, that's his fault, not yours.

And if he asks more than once for something that isn't Ok, then just say "I told you no, the answer will not change. I will turn my phone off now because you have no right to keep asking". That's harassment. We let little kids pester because they haven't yet learned not to. Grown adults should know better. (And I bet he does. He wouldn't do that to someone at work)

WatchMeSoar · 10/09/2016 14:28

Exactly what longtalljosie said, stay strong.

Is this the bastard who was bugging your house?

ijustwannadance · 10/09/2016 14:20

I remember your thread when you finally got rid of the loon.
DO NOT let him back in to your safe place.
Money/flat issues are not your problem. Lots of free stuff out there.

Longtalljosie · 10/09/2016 14:13

He threatened to kill you.

Next time he starts up, text and say. "You threatened to kill me. You are never having access to my flat. I suggest a contact centre".

And repeat.

He is working out how firm your boundaries are. Show him they are rock solid...

helenatroy · 10/09/2016 14:11

Stay strong and keep him out. Plenty of inexpensive things can be done indoors, cafe, cinema, swimming etc.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 10/09/2016 14:09

By to involved I mean replying to his texts,or answering calls...you just need to basic text of the time he picks up and drops of child.dont reply to anything else

Rachel0Greep · 10/09/2016 14:08

No way. YANBU. His problem to solve i.e to organise a proper place where he can meet the child.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 10/09/2016 14:06

I think yr still to involved with him.its not yr problem....I'm surprised he's allowed to be on his own with yr child...are the police involved?

PepsiPenguin · 10/09/2016 14:06

No of course YANBU, don't let him in your flat.

Libraries are great places if he is not entertaining a contact centre. Free and dry...

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2016 14:03

He's close to controlling you still. No way not under any circumstances. His time, his decision where to go and what to do. And don't give him any suggestions as to where to go. He doesn't respect you or anything you say and will use anything you say against you. He's a grown man let him work it out for himself.

AlfrescoBalconyWanker · 10/09/2016 14:00

Is this the same guy that bugged your flat?

Why would you give him the opportunity to do that again?

EllsTeeth · 10/09/2016 13:58

You sound brave and strong and intelligent. What an incredibly stressful thing to go through. Well done you for getting him out. Simply "No. You cannot come here" repeated ad infinitum. Don't feel it's your responsibility to suggest alternatives, he's a grown man. If he turns down the offer of contact keep a record of it as other posters have said. Stick to your guns and stay strong.

BigFatTent · 10/09/2016 13:57

OP I understand how you feel as my ex is similar and makes me feel IABU when I know I am not. I made the mistake of letting him into my house and it was a very bad idea.

There's a thread in Relationships you might find useful:
//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2699749-support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh

riceuten · 10/09/2016 13:57

There's a million and one places he could go with the kids and not have to go to your flat. He is trying to manipulate you.

Just say no.

RhodaBorrocks · 10/09/2016 13:55

Stay strong OP, YANBU. My ex did this and I stupidly let him in a few times, then he started being his old self - criticising me and saying I'm unreasonable for only having instant coffee (I'm not using the sodding cafetiere for my occasional cup when I prefer tea), for not letting him use my shower/washing machine, for not letting him nap on my sofa when he's supposed to be seeing DS. He gave all the same reasons - it's raining, it's cold, I have no money.

He's fucked off now and been NC for nearly a year. If he decides to grace us with his presence again he will be welcome on the doorstep only.

If your exH can't provide an activity he has the choice to do something free or not see DC. He should not use this as an opportunity to criticise you but to learn to budget better himself! This is not your responsibility and him saying it is is just another way for him to continue being EA to you.

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Improvisingnow · 10/09/2016 13:55

It's a power play by him. Don't rise to it or offer solutions and definitely don't let him in your flat and put you into a vulnerable position. I agree if you say yes once, it will become every time. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Just keep your communications to purely factual eg. "It is your turn to have DS on Sunday at 2pm. If you do not collect him from X by 2pm, I will assume it is not happening." No need to engage in any other conversation at all whatever he says.

Crispbutty · 10/09/2016 13:53

If he has no money he can take them to see relatives if any live locally.

RandomMess · 10/09/2016 13:52

Basically he has done a huge number on you.

Hopefully you can go down a more fixed contact routine now school is back, I would avoid even answering any of his texts as it's a way of drawing you in. One solution is that you keep a separate sim just for contact. As he works shifts it is more difficult I get that but the basic rules are made and when he deviates just ignore or reply back contact was agreed as x

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