to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

[OhTheRoses]

Turn the clock back to 1750 and later. The majority of women and babies from mastitis, not childbirth.

I'll talk to some historical experts on Monday and post links. It's true.

[glueandstick]

Why didn't I think of going to the breastfeeding cafe?! Having had an emergency c section, a husband back at work 4 days later, not being able to drive due to said c-section and a 6 mile walk each way to get there. Yeah. Totally could do that a week into motherhood

Again, so much vitriol. 'Milk from her own species' way to go.

No wonder the rates of PND are so high. It's like women want to set other women up to fail to make sure they are top baboon. No matter what you do, it never feels good enough.

[Sparklesilverglitter]

And by the way, have you ever considered how the "promotion" of breastfeeding compares to the multi-billion pound formula industry? They spend millions on marketing and bombard the population with advertising every fucking day yet you are pissed off by a health organisation promoting the normal way to feed infants and they only have a tiny budget to do that promotion.

[OhTheRoses]

I agree dropthesword

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

I actually agree with op don't know why there are so many biscuits?

There is a lot of pressure on new mums by other women.

What ever works best for both mum and baby should be the advice given out.

[Shelleysmum]

I would say I felt pressured both ways, I'm a paediactric nurse and often see mums struggling to breastfeed who are more often than not encouraged to formula feed. I knew the benefits well and was adamant I wanted to breastfeed. However there was so many negative posts and discussions that I had set myself up for breastfeeding being painful, difficult and incredibly hard work and had I not been so adamant I would have probably not even tried. I was even told in several occasions that as my baby was a big baby (10lb) I would never manage to give her enough breastfeeding. However I was incredibly lucky and my baby look to the breast straight away and in the 9 months I have breastfed it has been painful for maybe three or four feeds, I found it easy and I would definitely not have swapped to ff. I think the nhs wants mums to try if they can, not make themselves or baby ill by continuing if it's not working

[Terramirabilis]

I tried to breastfeed DS and certainly in my family and peer group BF would be normal, not FF. But it was agonizingly painful and I thought "no way am I enduring this for the next x months." Btw this was in the US in an allegedly baby-friendly hospital. Interestingly enough, they prioritized making sure the lactation specialist had seen everyone who was being discharged that day IN CASE they were having problems (including people who were on their 2nd, 3rd or more time breastfeeding, people who were getting on great) over me who was having an ACTUAL PROBLEM right there and then. In other words, this was some tick box exercise in being able to say "we saw everyone before they left to check how they were getting on" rather than prioritizing the people who needed help.That told me everything I needed to know about what the support would be like, so I thought "sod this" and switched to formula.

We don't have health visitors here so there was no guilt-tripping. I think I might have been asked once or twice by a nurse or doctor but no one seemed to make a big deal of it.

The problem isn't ignorance of the benefits of breastfeeding, it's the lack of support. Clearly that message isn't getting through to the NHS or maybe it's because a "breast is best" poster is a lot cheaper and quicker to produce than real support for people trying to breastfeed.

[Cosmiccreepers203]

drop with you 100%

Not sure why guilt tripping seems to be the preferred way to encourage BF by some people.

[tiktok]

No one should feel shamed for using formula.

There are many reasons why a mother might use formula.

Individual circumstances and individual choice rule.

But I look forward to the day when factual information on infant feeding is not dismissed as bullying or as 'making people feel guilty', and I think this will only come with a more sensitive 'marketing' of BF.

[Tallulahoola]

I had a similar experience to you and agree with most things you say.

But you do know that writing a letter to your "government representatives" makes you seem quite mad, don't you?

[Acopyofacopy]

Interesting post, OP.

To which end do you think the government are trying to bully you into breastfeeding? What is their real intention?

[Eatthecake]

I don't see how the breastfeeding campaign is any different to the formula adverts I see on tv. Both sides are advertising aren't they

I have 4 DC and all were breastfeed until I went back to work when they was between 2-5 months old. With 2 of them I stopped at 2 months because it was too difficult and I really suffered with breast feeding.

I never felt any pressure to breast feeding, as an adult I looked at the information on breast feeding and thought yeah I'll give it a go if it doesn't work out it doesn't work.

[glueandstick]

I still feel utterly shameful each time I feed my baby in public with a bottle. I feel an utter failure as a mother and a constant reminder that I didn't ask the right questions at the right time. Constantly feel awful. It's horrid.

[OhAndIPaintMyselfBlue]

I'm with you OP. Some of the responses on here are disgraceful. FFS someone posting on here that 'they put their child first by BFing' ...

I had a conversation today in a similar vein. Women such as myself who desperately wanted to BF and couldn't despite trying so hard it plummets us into PND are seen as Collateral Damage. We are in limbo between Breastfeeding which needs proper support and people who happily chose (and rightfully so) to Formula Feed. Apparently is is unreasonable to ask for more sensitivity around the breastfeeding dialogue so women like me aren't repeatedly told how we have failed/haven't put our children first/lazy/blah blah blah. It's such an emotionally loaded discussion and we are the collateral damage for the sake of Breastfeeding campaigns that don't even work anyway! I didn't 'fail' because I didn't 'do my research' or because I hadn't seen some poster on the side of the bus or in the GP surgery. I failed because of the shit support that was available to me.

I used to get upset when people said how proud they were for BFing through their challenges such as mastitis/TT/LT etc etc. I don't now because I understand many years later how hard work that must be. But what I ask from those ladies is to try to understand. Imagine that you were desperately trying to BF through those issues and it didnt work out no matter what you did/what support you had available? Imagine how you would feel. Devastated, like a failure as a mother. Imagine feeling that way and maybe then you will understand why women like the OP and myself are seemingly so 'hysterical'. We should be allowed a voice.

[MindSweeper]

Not sure why people are being so horrible to the OP

This isn't an isolated issue.

Many women do feel pressured and bullied into breastfeeding. Some are belittled if they don't want to try.

That is an issue we want to address.

The benefits of breastfeeding do not trump a woman's choice, and she should not receive negative feedback for going against what people want her to do.

[Cosmiccreepers203]

tiktok The issue is that it does need to be factual. It is such an emotive subject that people tend to choose sides. It seems you are only allowed to be pro or anti- BF. Then each side grasps hold of a few statistics and conflates them with unsubstantiated claims.

Lay out the evidence and let people choose. Support where needed. it shouldn't be hard. Why are women so hard on each other?

[DropYourSword]

Me too glue. Successful breastfeeders can't possibly understand the guilt, anxiety and shame that some of us who failed to breastfeed feel. As is clearly evidenced on this thread.

[Pinkheart5915]

Is it bulling people to breastfeed or is it encouraging Mums to at least try? You get adverts for formula on tv so why shouldn't there be campaigns on breastfeeding?

With ds I breast feed until 10 months, I was very lucky with him he took to it very easy but with new baby DD it's been tougher so after struggling for the first 2 weeks she is now mix feed

I never felt pressure to breast feed, and I feel no shame that DD is mix feed. I am an adult and that is the choice I make for my baby and I couldn't care less what anybody thinks

[MindSweeper]

And if a woman decides to not breastfeed people always seem to feel they need convincing.

so you're not breastfeeding, but why?! think of x and x and x

I just don't want to thankyou

oh are you finding it difficult lovely

no i just dont want to

but breast is best!

[tiktok]

gluestick that's horrible :(

But most people don't notice and if they notice they don't care. If the odd one is judging you, they are ignorant and why would you care about them?!

You and your baby both deserve to enjoy feeding, however it's done. Be close and snuggly with your baby - just as you would be if BF - and in time your feelings will reduce.

[KP86]

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. The guilt attached to FF is huge.

I fed my DS EBM and felt like I had to work into most conversations that it was breast milk and not formula for fear of being judged.

We are constantly told breast is best (which I agree it is), and I was very fortunate to get support I needed to make sure I was able to breast feed/express for 12 months (no real choice, DS allergic to formula and refused the fake stuff) but I did silently judge those who didn't breastfeed or even attempt it, BECAUSE of the guilt factor that was piled on me by midwives/hospital staff etc as a pregnant woman and new mum. It really sunk in!

We are so fortunate to have a choice about how we feed our children. Compare 3 and 4 year olds, I bet you could never pick which were BF or FF. Fed, warm and loved is all that matters.

So once you've made the decision to FF, midwives or HV could ask if there's any additional support you are looking for to start/continue BF, and if not, move the hell on. The ranting and blaming is absolutely not necessary. Mums know. They've heard it all before.

Perhaps your letter could be more concise (like my post!) but yes, send it. There will be lots of women who experienced it like you did.

[Purplefrogshoes]

I really tried to breastfeed but had a baby with pneumonia who couldn't feed. I expressed as much as possible but just never got enough milk. I had mastitis and huge blisters on my nipples. When I finally got to take my baby home midwives and the health visitor made me feel like a failure for giving up.

[MindSweeper]

Is it bulling people to breastfeed or is it encouraging Mums to at least try?

It's how it's delivered.

Ask if they want to breastfeed, ask if there's any issues around breastfeeding they'd like to discuss, ask ask ask, not tell tell tell.

If they say no, then a simple 'okay, I'll just leave some literature here in case you ever change your mind and need any support' will do.

[PunkrockerGirl]

I despair.
There can be no rational debate about ff feeding on here. Post partum experiences/depression count for nothing, which is sad. But what I'm sure about is that your chosen method of infant feeding (whichever that is) is in no way an indicator of your child's future physical or mental health.

[tiktok]

Cosmic, the language we use can be factual but sensitive.

For example: we shouldn't talk about 'success' or 'failure' or even 'succeeding at breastfeeding' or 'failing to breastfeed'. Ban these unhelpful judgments.

There are several ways to talk about the facts - talk about 'health effects of infant feeding' rather than 'benefits of breastfeeding' or 'risks of formula'.

And yes - acknowledge that bad experiences and resultant sadness are real, and damaging, for many mothers.

But that none of it means they have all been bullied or pressured.