to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

[BodsAuntieFlo]

The support for BF new mothers is bloody shocking. I could rant for days about pre and post natal support

As is the support for FF new mothers....

[Blankiefan]

I think OP is being a bit dramatic and I don't think her letter will accomplish much ... But..

I tried and failed at breastfeeding. DD was / is fine. Given a host of other advantages in life (educated parents both earning good salaries, living in a good school area with involved grandparents) I felt on balance that the weight she was losing from not feeding / my mental state / etc were more important so moved to formula.

Despite being a reasonably clever, practical person, I never found the FF guidance helpful - particularly the "boil/cool one bottle at a time when you need it" message. This was totally impractical and really masked my ability to get concrete answers on how to manage the situation. In the end we used premixed bottles formula for dd's entire first year. We were fortunate to be able to afford this.

I also think the health visitor's inquisition of OP's breastfeeding was unnecessary. Clearly OP had reviewed ans digested all the info and made a balanced decision. By the time HV found out, it'd be too late to change it so why challenge and make her feel like shit. Thankfully my HV barely raised an eyebrow. I think probably due to us living in a predominantly working class area with very low rates of breastfeeding (outside of the local Polish community, I was told).

I agree that better information should be provided and this could be delivered without diluting the "breast is best" message.

[LumelaMme]

You probably don't Advantage points for buying formula milk because of an international agreement, brokered by the World Health Organisation, on the sale and advertising of breast milk substitutes. The rules are very strict.

That doesn't stop companies breaking them, which is why I boycott Nestle.

[Purplebluebird]

Pfffff. That's all I have to say about that.

[AlpacaLypse]

NovemberInDailyFailLand - it was some random officious cowbag in a cafe. Me and my friends had met up with our babies and she took it on herself to launch into a rant from the next table!

It was horrible - why on earth should my friend be expected to justify her decision by disclosing private medical details about herself? And why should I or any other of her friends be expected to supply them either?

Ranty woman eventually shut up and went off when she realised that a) she'd made a stranger cry and b) stranger's friends' were all giving her filthy looks.

Unfortunately the ignorant witch probably still thinks she was in the right, rollicking a young mother. Strangely enough, having a double mastectomy, like most successful cancer treatments, doesn't come with a tattoo on the forehead to say CANCER SURVIVOR!

[Cosmiccreepers203]

I feel for you OP. You sound stressed out by the whole experience. That shouldn't be the case.

The people giving biscuits are just re-in forcing your point. Why should be people have to put up with feeling bullied about any of the decisions they make for their child?

Some of the response you've had are harsh and unsupportive. I wish women weren't so judgemental and horrible to each other.

[icclemunchy]

But blankiefan the cool/boil msg is such because powdered formula isn't sterile. Your not told to do it like that because someone somewhere gets a giggle out of making your baby cry!! Anyway you could be told to "manage" the situation would be at risk to your babies life. What hcp is going to do that?

Sadly the fact that formula should be made with boiling water and then cooled which takes time is a downside to ff.

Just like the fact BF means latching a baby a million times a day is a downside to BF

Whichever way you choose to feed your baby there's a downside you have to suck up

[NickyEds]

There is a government ploy to force women to breast feed because you can't collect advantage points? Really? Women are being forced to bf by not receiving a few pence worth of points a week, which bf women can't either .

Who precisely are you sending this to op?

[Fanjolena]

Stop with these fucking ff vs BF debates! Feed your babies and shut the fuck up about it!

[doubletrouble41]

Cosmic I agree. OP, I see your point and many of the responses on here are shamefully unsympathetic, and yes, judgy.

[kittymamma]

My understanding for the reasoning behind these laws (and do correct me if I am wrong here) is because of a scandal many many years ago where a company (Nestle) had aggressive advertising practises in Africa and other less well off countries, as a result, babies died. Some couldn't afford the milk (they could have afforded to BF), some babies died from the parasites in the water mixed with the formula, others because mum's tried to make the formula go further by mixing with more water causing malnutrition. This is not bullying from the Government, this is preventing advertising misinforming the masses and endangering children's health.

And fyi, there are plenty of places in the UK that breastfeeding is not the norm. Especially among young mothers with a limited educational background (do not flame me, these are the statistics). Obviously normalising breastfeeding needs to continue.

[Showgirl109]

FFS feed your baby however you choose, either way your baby will be fine. However it is better to breastfeed, there is still huge sections of society that think breastfeeding is weird (something said to me at a wedding last week) Breastfeeding needs to be supported and encouraged, other than learning how to prepare formula what other support do you require? Really?

[rosesarered9]

I was with you until the last paragraph. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with free speech.

[SoupDragon]

at which point have I insulted BF mums? I support the decisions of all. Any mother is free to feed their child as they wish.

Except you think they are all brainwashed. That's pretty offensive and insulting.

Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.

I don't give a shit how you fed your child. I fed mine how I chose to, not like some brainwashed robot.

[coconutpie]

FFS. Get a fucking grip. YABU. And you really don't have any education about breastfeeding if you think you should get advantage points on artificial milk. The World Health Organisation ban the promotion of artificial milk in order to protect the health of mothers and babies. If you have such an issue on the cost of artificial milk, then take it up with the formula companies who are ripping you off by selling you a product that your breasts can produce for free. And your PHN was right, you would most likely have succeeded in breastfeeding if you had access to the correct support. That is what you should be angry about.

And by the way, have you ever considered how the "promotion" of breastfeeding compares to the multi-billion pound formula industry? They spend millions on marketing and bombard the population with advertising every fucking day yet you are pissed off by a health organisation promoting the normal way to feed infants and they only have a tiny budget to do that promotion.

[napmeistergeneral]

Op that letter needs to be rewritten. Governments don't instigate "ploys" and they don't make policy based on the feelings of individuals. Your free speech is not "stifled". The letter comes across as a bit silly, tbh. Policy will not be impacted by indignation over Advantage points.

Think about it, feelings cannot be quantified so they can't form the basis of robust data-driven policy development. Statistics can, though, and that's why your hv etc. will have asked about your stopping dates.

Its fine for you to feed your baby however you want. Just remember that any ignore and breeze on through. Smile, nod, ignore. "this is what works for me, thanks". But government policy and advice will (hopefully) always choose to advocate a proven and free method (bf) over commercial product (formula). There's no way they can actively promote a private industry. That would be a real slippery slope to even more insidious lobbying.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

kitty this statistic about young mums is probably due to preconceptions rather than not wanting to breastfeed.

On my postnatal ward, the older mums got seemingly endless BF help from the midwives. Me and the other young mum on the ward had a HCA come in and grab a boob, shove it into baby's mouth, tut and walk out again with barely a word once or twice. And were pressured to formula feed before leaving hospital.

These statistics are portrayed as "young mums don't want to breastfeed" when actually we're not supported enough to breastfeed.

[emwantsbiscuits]

"I sort of see where the OP is coming from ish. I'm a firm believer that the NHS needs to stop wasting money on posters to convince people who don't want to breastfeed, and more on supporting women who do want to breastfeed because the practical support is woeful. Really dreadful." -
This ^^ Ovaries has hit the nail on the head.

[GruffaloPants]

Ready steady baby is a pregnancy, birth and childcare guide given out free in Scotland - the OP complains about the amount of breastfeeding info (6 pages) versus formula feeding info (4 pages).

[BodsAuntieFlo]

The OP wasn't posting purely about advantage points FFS. Some people can't or simply don't want to BF, what's so hard to bloody understand about that? BF is normal, of course it it, likewise FF is normal. Jesus Christ, it's not rocket science.

[Blankiefan]

I accept the liability concerns of hcps icclemunchy, however where's the balance? Why couldn't I get more complete info about the options and risks involved (there must be plenty of empirical data given that just a few years earlier, the advice was more relaxed about chilling boiled water). I found it so black & white which just isn't scientifically probable. I don't see why we can't be trusted with more info / evidence and be allowed to make an informed decision.

In the end, the best advice I could get was from a friend who had had her first child before the advice changed. And my lack of ability to sense check this led me to use premix. Whilst relatively more expensive than powder, I'll never feed my child for three quid a day again anyway (my daily cost of formula) and we're lucky that this wasn't an issue for us. What about others tho? I felt so impotent and infantilised by the whole situation. Premix was my only positive choice.

[Stevefromstevenage]

I learned to FF from the side of the formula tin and from the multiple formula websites that contained information as well as multiple family and friends that had FF because we have a ff culture. HVs were also quick to recommend FF once I started having problems because they had not the first clue about BF.

BF remained a complete mystery until I found an amazing lactation consultant on my 3rd child. I personally see the conspiracy in the opposite direction to yours. At every turn FF is pushed with follow on formula adverts on multiple times per day and always on MN adverts and constant media articles about women being shamed for BF in public which makes women nervous about feeding. BF is paid lip service but FF is culturally supported.

[AtSea1979]

I didn't make it to the end of the letter but I was pressured in to breast feeding not necessary by a mob handed midwife but more the general consensus that breast is best and I wanted the best for my DS. Unfortunately for him breast certainly wasn't best.

[GirlOutNumbered]

I'm all for encouragement to breastfeed. I appreciate many have difficulty but there's a huge proportion who just don't bother.

[Firsttimer82]

I had a hideous time breast feeding in the first 4 weeks I think every new mum does but I stuck with it. My best mates baby was born at 31 weeks and still was breast fed with time and effort. Its the government's job to do what is best for the masses and it is best to encourage breastfeeding. I'm sorry you didn't access the support you could have, because if you had maybe it would have been better for you.