To feel disappointed about my adult son’s relationship history?

[Rosey60]

I don’t want to come across as being ungrateful or the dreaded MIL from hell but I have been feeling increasingly sad about the lack of relationships that I now have in my life now my sons have grown up. I have no RL support about from my DH and a few colleagues that I go to lunch with sometimes. I am nearly retired and thought I would be spending my retirement with my family around me, DS’s, DIL’s and DGC, but it doesn’t seem to have worked out like that and I feel I am losing my family if anything.

Two DS’s are in their early 40’s. DS1 was married at 30 to a lovely girl and they had it all, nice house, good jobs and a precious little boy who is now 9. We were beyond gutted when DS just upped and left his wife after only 5 years for an OW he met at work. It totally broke us all as a family. DS1 and his exw had a long bitter divorce and he now has limited access to his DS. Me and exDIL tried to remain friendly but when she made me choose between her and my new DIL I felt pressured and chose new DIL and she has since cut me out of her life and DGS. I now only get to see him when she lets DS1 see him, which is sporadic. After spending a vast amount of money on solicitors and court fees I now feel my DS1 has given up fighting for his son and is just grateful for any time he gets with him.

I regret choosing my new DIL over my old DIL and I know that sounds bad  . DS! Has been married to OW for five years now and I still can’t get to know her. She is aloof and seemingly rude. Me and my DH have only met her six times in 5 years, one of which being their wedding. They only live a 15 minute drive away. I don’t get invited to their house and she never visits when DS1 visits, which is dwindling.

DS2 and his gf got pregnant young (21). Although we were disappointed we were excited about being grandparents and supported them. Even though they never married I treated DS2’s gf as a DIL and we were close. Sadly their relationship ended when DGD was about 4 but they remained very good friends and excellent parents to our treasured granddaughter who is now 19. I always thought / hoped that DS2 and his ex would get back together, they got on so well and neither of them have really had a serious relationship since. I remained close to his ex as DS2 had 50/50 childcare so was an active part of their lives. She would come to family events etc still. However, now things have changed. DGD is off at uni and we hardly see her. I think DS2 and his ex are finding their feet now they don’t have their dd around. DS2’s ex has got a new job so we never see her, and DS2 has started dating! I feel sad as I really thought they would end up back together.

I don’t know what I can do to bring my family back together.

Your family sounds about normal to me. My dear MIL just lived for her family, which she started when she was 16. But ended up with three out of four children living abroad. They all love her but life got in the way.

I was the opposite, I assumed that my duties as a mother would end when my dd turned 18, but here I am fourteen years later with my dd and dgd living with me.

I do think it was dreadfully wrong of your exDIL to ask you to choose. You should have just refused. And yes it is wonderful to have children around the place, but there are lots of other good things in life too.

Your exDils behaviour towards you, your son and her son is not one of a happy woman. So any contact would have to be carefully planned.

I would write to her and apologise for making her feel like you abandoned her. I would say you love her and you want to be part of her life. You made a mistake. You felt as though you were choosing between her and your son and you now realise you weren't. (What I mean is without mentioning ow). You really miss her and you really miss seeing dgs and wonder if she can forgive you.

Write a letter like this and with no expectation. Let it sit. She will either choose to contact you or not. If she hasn't contacted you after a considerable amount of time. I would say, maybe 3 months, then I would accept she cannot forgive you at the moment. At this stage, I would start sending the weekly letter idea to dgs as it sounds like a lovely idea. (I wouldn't do both at the same time as it will be overkill iyswim).

In any case, get on with your life. Get some counselling to ward off these expectations from others. We can only control what we do, not anyone else. You exDil was very very wrong to make you choose. Know that you did nothing wrong at the time of the break up except be loyal to your son - even the rants came from a place of love.

With regard to your son and his new wife, if you want to have any relationship with your son, the first port of call would be to accept his step children. Acknowledging birthdays and Christmases etc would be a start. His first loyalty is to his wife and not to you. I very much understand why he has kept away from you. You're his mum. You should be proud of him whatever his choices. He's not a drug addict or a layabout drunk. He fell in love with another woman. And it is time you dealt with this.

You need to have a look over what you have written here.

You've said that you told your son that you couldn't believe he considered his wife's DC his stepchildren (and yes of course he told her what you said) but you've also said that you have so much love to give those children but it's not wanted.

Those two statements don't jibe.

If you communicated to your son and his wife that you can't bear the fact that he considers her children to be his then you can hardly expect that they'll welcome you as a prospective Step Grandparent to those children.

And if you said it a while ago and have changed your mind you'll have to do a lot of work with the DIL in order to overcome that initial rejection of her children. That kind of hurt doesn't go away.

Thank you all for your comments. I have appreciated them all, even the ones whereby people have told me I am being mean or too needy. I would really hate to come across as needy, I have always been such an independent woman, or so I thought. I know I can’t turn back the clock but I do feel like we had such a happy family and now it is broken. At times it has seemed our family has been like a soap opera. I know it can’t be all roses all of the time, but I used to feel very lucky that I was close to both my sons and their other halves and their children and now it seems I am not.

Thank you to whoever suggested writing to my dgd, I intend to do this every fortnight and write her a little card and send her some pocket money, I miss spoiling her!  I am very proud of her and we will always be close, I guess I am just not used to her living so far away and flying the nest. DS2’s new lease of life has just exaggerated this. Of course I am very proud of DS2, he stepped up to the plate of having a child at 21 and even though his relationship with her mum didn’t work out they have been good parents to dgd. He always put her first, probably to the detriment of his own life. Now he is off out like he was when he was 19 it seems his family isn’t his priority. Last month he didn’t even come and visit me when DS1 and his ds were round as he was out and about somewhere. This really upset me as we so rarely get to see dgs it seems he is going to miss out on having a relationship with his nephew.

I don’t think it would be appropriate to contact my exDIL. She has been very difficult for my DS1 and he has made it clear that he wants to keep out and not make things worse. He has a restraining order against her due to her behaviour and a few months ago we had to report her to the police for malicious phone calls to me and my dh. She obviously is very bitter still. I hope in time she will move on and things will get better. At the moment we are just grateful for any contact we have with dgs as she seems to take it away at a moment’s notice.

As for DS1’s wife, I have tried to get to know her. I would always invite them over to bbq’s and Sunday lunch or even just over for a coffee but they rarely came. When they did she was always very polite and friendly, but just very distant. She didn’t seem to want that mother daughter relationship with me as my ex DIL’s did. She doesn’t have much family around her from what I can gather, but seems quite close to her exMIL which is very strange indeed. I know she is a busy lady and works full time, as I did back then and this just seems to be DS1’s excuse for us not seeing her. I know that when DS1 has his ds she tends to make herself sparse as any contact DS1 gets with his ds is precious. It also acts as a trigger for exDIL to withhold contact is she finds out the dgs has had any contact with DS1’s wife or dc. As for her dc, they are 16 and 18 now so I’ve kind of missed the boat on getting to know them. I don’t even know when their birthdays are. I signed up to facebook (on my dgd’s request ) so I can keep up with what dgd and DS2 are up to and all I see are pictures of DS1 and his new family off on holidays and trips out. I don’t even know these people and it hurts.

You need to build up your own life. It feels as though you are trying to live vicariously through your family and if they aren't there then you cease to enjoy life. That is very unhealthy.

I do think your expectations are unreasonable and old fashioned. You have had the intense relationship with your children when they were children. That time has now passed and they have now flown the nest.

If you continue to cling to them, to mope and complain, you will alienate them further.

Build up your own life, make yourself an interesting person and enjoying see them from time to time without lacing your relationship with them with duty, judgment and guilt.

all I see are pictures of DS1 and his new family off on holidays and trips out. I don’t even know these people and it hurts.

I think this is where your problem lies, in terms of your unrealistic expectations.

My DC still live at home and are 16 and 19. When I look at their FB posts, I don't always know who everyone is. Sometimes I don't know who anyone is!! I don't have a problem with it, it doesn't "hurt" at all. I am just delighted they are getting out there and having brilliant exciting lives.

I think some of us are just a bit baffled as to why you expect to have such an intimate relationship with your sons now that they are adults.

But surely its not normal not to know your DS wife of 5 years or the two dc that he refers to as his stepdc?

There was even a post on there last weekend that he was in put up by his DW's sister with her two little boys. He is clearly a step uncle too!

I am really not moping. I work 4 days a week still and always find things to keep me busy and distracted, I just miss the way my family used to be as we all used to be so close when my DS's were in different relationships.

It is my dh's 70th birthday next month and I was hoping to get all the family for a weekend away, is that so much to ask?

It is my dh's 70th birthday next month and I was hoping to get all the family for a weekend away, is that so much to ask?

Well, since you asked, probably it is too much yes, at such short notice. Wouldn't a meal out together suffice? It would be a tough call for most families to be able to set aside a weekend away without a lot of forward planning.

When your DC were very little OP, did you used to spend whole weekends away with your ILS? Did you spend a lot of time with them?

Also, you talk about happier times when DSs were in different relationships, but from what you have said they were much younger then, and probably less independent than they are now?

But surely its not normal not to know your DS wife of 5 years or the two dc that he refers to as his stepdc? But you said you had met the DW? Why are you saying you don't know her? Have you not met the stepchildren?

There was even a post on there last weekend that he was in put up by his DW's sister with her two little boys. He is clearly a step uncle too! You really need to know what your DILS sister is doing with her life? Why?

I am honestly not trying to be tough on you OP, I just genuinely think you are unnecessarily unhappy and if you adjusted your expectations you would be much happier.

Hi happypoobum,

No, I don't need to know what his wife's sister is up to, it just seems weird that he has a whole other family that I am not part of.

I have of course met his DW, but only six times in 5 years. I only met her twice before they got married (once a meal out and once a family birthday event) once at their wedding and three times since they have been married (5 years, one boxing day, once when I dropped a card off for DS and one family birthday event). I have only met her DC about 3 or 4 times, they spend every other weekend at their dads I think, mind you they are now 16 and 18 so probably do their own thing a lot. They are very close to their dad, but my DS still treats them like his own. It makes me sad that he will be closer to them than his own ds. I just want the chance to have a proper relationship with them. She is very close to her exMIL apparently. I asked DS1 about this once as I thought this was odd. Apparently she is quite elderly (in her eighties) and as her exdh is an only child and works away quite a bit she pops in and makes sure she is ok, takes her shopping etc.

I know this makes me look bitter but I feel that when DS1 got divorced for exDIL I lost my son, my DIL and my exDIL. Now I know divorce tears families apart but it doesn't seem to be the case in DS's wifes case.

And no, when my DS's were growing up we didn't spend any time with my ILs - they disowned my dh when he was young so I never met them. My parents were quite close to us though, although they had me quite late in life so they were quite elderly as our DS grew up.

I was brought up to believe that family comes first.

The weekend away next month has been booked for ages. We have a center parcs lodge booked for 8 people. I had hoped to take DS1 and his wife and dgs (if his mum lets him come) and DS2 and dgd.

Dgd says she will come (bless her) but DS2 now says he may have to work but will come for the Sunday and Monday.

DS1's wife apparently can't make it, even though I booked in for a weekend that he exdh has her DC. DS1 sayd he will come if he has his ds, but if his exw gets a hint of him taking ds on a weekend break she will probably not let him.

You just said there that you find it weird that your ds wife is still close to her exMIL but isn't that what u previously said u wish was the case with you and your exDIL?
As I previously said it sounds like your a lovely person and genuinely just want a close relationship with your family.
Why don't you try and get both your sons and Your sons wife together and explain how you are feeling? Might help if they know how you feel?

I think that perhaps you have radiated feelings of disappointment and resentment at the changes that have happened, and your sons have picked up on that. No one is going to want to visit if they feel they are going to be reproached (even silently) for not visiting more or not managing their lives differently.

Give of yourself freely without any agenda, self-pity or interference. It will pay off eventually. My grandmother used to write to me at university. She had no idea of my life really, but I liked getting her letters because the fact she cared about me in her own way did come across.

Every Sunday I sat down and wrote back to her and the rest of the family. Nowadays it tends to be email, but the habit of dropping each other a line has stuck, and I'm grateful for that.

I would text and phone your sons, even if they don't reply, with nice little messages about what you are doing. I would write to your DGD and your DGS-just little chats and anecdotes plus hopes they are ok and doing well.

Why not invite your sons and their families/girlfriends to meet up on neutral ground like a cinema or National Trust place? Having something for you all to do makes meeting up an easier prospect.

She doesn’t have much family around her from what I can gather, but seems quite close to her exMIL which is very strange indeed.

Why is it odd considering one of your many problems with her is that you don't have a 'mother/daughter relationship' with her like you did with your ex DILs??

its kind of sad to think of you hoping for family weekends and visits. Its tough but I think it would be good to talk this through with a professional.

When you say you were brought up to believe family is first what do you mean?

What really floats your boat, grabs your interest? I suggest you invest some time and energy in this. It will make you so much more fun for the family young and old alike.

another thought is you could talk honestly to family members " sorry ds I really am struggling abit these days" I have done this to my own kids and it is very helpful. You are not asking them to fix it but its open and honest.

I think the card with chocolate / money to your GD1 sounds like a very good idea but be very careful not to make it a weekly pressure - no "I'm missing you so much" or "I hope I see you soon". Or it'll go from a nice thing to a bad thing.

I note that practically the first thing you put in your OP is you don't get the support you need from your DH. I think this is a huge part of this. Your sons were a proxy support to you before they settled down and now they have moved on - which is inevitable and right - you are left with your primary relationship, which is not enough for you.

I think your DS1's suggestion of counselling is a good one because it would ensure your emotional needs were being met, without you putting pressure on your sons to fulfil what is essentially a spouse's role.

I do think though you need to take off your rose tinted glasses with regard to your DS1's ex. I understand she was hurt but asking you to choose between her and DW2 was impossible - and while she might have done it (understandably) in the heat of the moment she should be able to see she was essentially asking you to choose between her and your son.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your DS1 about what he thinks you should do to open up more contact with your GC2. Perhaps you should say to your DS2 you'd value his wife's opinion on this as well "as she is a member of the family too". You have some bridges to build there and I would concentrate on them first before trying again with your XDIL. You should consider asking DW2 if her children can call you a special name? Don't choose it yourself (you don't want to choose the same name as her parents!) but Nanny first name or something.

You seem to compare a lot - to your siblings and their family set up, to your DS's ex's family and how much time they get with GC2. You must know comparison is the thief of joy. If you start actively / vocally comparing, you are going to put people's backs up. It's a classic MIL pitfall to start suggesting a DIL (or ex DIL) should be seeing less of her own parents, and will go down like a lead balloon (and achieve nothing).

And as for your DS dating - heavens, is there an age limit on that? Obviously, he and his ex get on but frankly if the sexual chemistry was there they'd have got back together long ago. In a perfect world he'll meet a nice broody 35 year old and there'll be more GC before long!

Hiya
I'm thinking of ending my relationship of ten years married for two.
But I'm terrified of having the conversation.
I feel so sorry for him, the guilt is making me feel trapped.
I know what I need to do but can't bring myself to do it so just plod along.
How do you get courage?
Sorry for the needy post lol

I was brought up to believe that family comes first.

Well family to me is my DH and DD and yes, absolutely they come first. It sounds as if your sons are putting their immediate families - i.e. children, step children and DS1’ wife - first.

You sound as if you think they should be putting you first?

It’s never a child (or grandchild’s) job to be responsible for their parent’s happiness. Never. I think you need to be grateful for the times you have with your family and fill the rest of your time with hobbies and interests.

Hi Smilemumof2 - this is an old thread, you would probably get a wider range of replies if you posted a new thread as a lot of posters will see the old date and not respond.

How about being grateful for what you have? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have two sons who you may not see a lot now but at least you see. Your grand daughter has left the nest now, you will see less of her she is growing up, but make themost if the time you do meet up. Work on a relationship with your grandson. Some people really don’t have any family, or thier family is scattered across the globe with no real chance of meeting up very often.

Oh bloody hell, I’ve just realised this is a zombie thread. Gah. 🤬

I feel for you OP.

It is quite easy to write your feelings on an anonymous forum but much harder in life to communicate with those close to us.

I agree with a PP that happiness should be derived from within but often it does depend on our relationships with loved ones. I think the key here is to be more accepting of your DS1's 2nd wife. I know it would take great courage but I wonder whether you could reach out to her by writing part of what you have written here.

Perhaps you could tell her that you would like to have a closer relationship with her and that you didn't get off to a good start through your fault. Explain you were upset that your DS1's marriage ended and perhaps didn't give her the chance you should have done. Say that you can see she has made him happy and you regret your behaviour and would ask for a chance of a fresh start with her etc etc

Obviously try not to be too needy or beg in it. Be as positive as you can.

She is clearly a caring person as she keeps on touch with her elderly exMIL and hopefully she will look upon your situation with compassion.

Nothing will change if you don't do something to make things change and, while I don't think you have done anything particularly wrong, if anything, you may have to be the bigger person here to instigate change.