To feel disappointed about my adult son’s relationship history?

[Rosey60]

I don’t want to come across as being ungrateful or the dreaded MIL from hell but I have been feeling increasingly sad about the lack of relationships that I now have in my life now my sons have grown up. I have no RL support about from my DH and a few colleagues that I go to lunch with sometimes. I am nearly retired and thought I would be spending my retirement with my family around me, DS’s, DIL’s and DGC, but it doesn’t seem to have worked out like that and I feel I am losing my family if anything.

Two DS’s are in their early 40’s. DS1 was married at 30 to a lovely girl and they had it all, nice house, good jobs and a precious little boy who is now 9. We were beyond gutted when DS just upped and left his wife after only 5 years for an OW he met at work. It totally broke us all as a family. DS1 and his exw had a long bitter divorce and he now has limited access to his DS. Me and exDIL tried to remain friendly but when she made me choose between her and my new DIL I felt pressured and chose new DIL and she has since cut me out of her life and DGS. I now only get to see him when she lets DS1 see him, which is sporadic. After spending a vast amount of money on solicitors and court fees I now feel my DS1 has given up fighting for his son and is just grateful for any time he gets with him.

I regret choosing my new DIL over my old DIL and I know that sounds bad  . DS! Has been married to OW for five years now and I still can’t get to know her. She is aloof and seemingly rude. Me and my DH have only met her six times in 5 years, one of which being their wedding. They only live a 15 minute drive away. I don’t get invited to their house and she never visits when DS1 visits, which is dwindling.

DS2 and his gf got pregnant young (21). Although we were disappointed we were excited about being grandparents and supported them. Even though they never married I treated DS2’s gf as a DIL and we were close. Sadly their relationship ended when DGD was about 4 but they remained very good friends and excellent parents to our treasured granddaughter who is now 19. I always thought / hoped that DS2 and his ex would get back together, they got on so well and neither of them have really had a serious relationship since. I remained close to his ex as DS2 had 50/50 childcare so was an active part of their lives. She would come to family events etc still. However, now things have changed. DGD is off at uni and we hardly see her. I think DS2 and his ex are finding their feet now they don’t have their dd around. DS2’s ex has got a new job so we never see her, and DS2 has started dating! I feel sad as I really thought they would end up back together.

I don’t know what I can do to bring my family back together.

I absolutely hate my ex-mil. Too the point I smacked her for selling my dead sons clothes.

My DD still goes too hers every fortnight.

Unless your worse then her (and I really really doubt it) she should put your granddaughters needs first.

Granted mines an extreme example.

"Back off from your sons, go and see the gp and stop being so full of self pity.
Honestly? You sound like very hard work indeed."

"Honestly? You sound quite mean"

How is this helpful? OP has admitted some not so easy feelings in the hope to get different perspectives on her situation. I think she sounds self-aware and looking to change her own attitude and outlook rather than force herself upon her family.

Come on, we all have difficult feeling some of the time and may be hard work... How many of us have the self-awareness to address these feelings?

OP good luck with your situation, try to step away a little and focus on other things for the time being. Let it o as they say and receive what ds have to give in terms of relationship graciously. I'm sure you will.

I also told him that I found it difficult him calling her dc his stepchildren. I still do. How can he be so close to her two children and not his own?

Wow. I hope he did repeat it and that she continues to keep herself and her dc away from you.

Frankly, they'd be much better off without you in their lives.

Roses you sound lovely, and all you want is to have your family round you.
However what you said about your DS wife's children has struck a chord with me, those kind of things are exactly what my MIL says about my children and it's an awful way to look at it.

He has chose to be with that woman and accepted her children, and as you have said above it sounds like him not seeing much of his son isn't his choice it's his exw..so think you are being a bit harsh there and could well be the reason why she keeps her distance. Why don't you try making more of an effort with your sons new wife and also her children.
All I've ever wanted is for my MiL to accept my children, so I bet it would mean a lot to her if you made an effort.

OP you do sound really sad but your expectations are rather unrealistic. This leapt out at me I am nearly retired and thought I would be spending my retirement with my family around me,

It's like you had some soap opera fantasy in mind and are disappointed that you see DS once a month (which doesn't sound unusual) and DGD is off to uni. Do you see yourself as a matriarch whose family all revolve around her?

I agree with your DS1, you probably would benefit from counselling as I feel the unhappiness you are experiencing directly stems from the gap between your expectations/hopes and your reality, which really isn't that bad.

If you can learn to love the life you have, instead of yearning after a fantasy that will never come true, you will be much happier.

"What my GM did was write an actual letter to me every week or so without fail, sometimes enclosing a bar of chocolate or little treat, and without any expectation of a response (I did respond, but much less regularly!) She wrote bits and pieces about her life, our family history, the weather, local life. She never passed judgement on my life, offered advice or put demands or expectations upon me but was just available. I treasure those letters now and her staying in touch like that was what kept me anchored whilst I was busy becoming an adult. "

Wow. That is so, so lovely. what an amazing GM you have.

Family life ebbs and flows Rosey. You sound like a lovely, caring person! I am sure that in time your family will sort itself out and family members will find their way back to you again.
Ignore the negative, snarky posters who can't wait to get at a MIL. Just take on board the positive advice. Keep cheerful and friendly.
Things will work out in the end. Don't let negative people make you feel worse but think of the great job you did with your grand daughter and make yourself smile and enjoy moments of contentment.

Sometimes life really doesn't work out to plan.

When I was married in my 4 bedroom house I sure as hell didn't plan on being a divorced single parent on benefits to 2 children one of whom has long term pronounced special needs in a 2.5 bedroom house.

But that's where I ended up.

Mourning the life you don't have is hard. Sometimes it can make you quite bitter. At some point for your own sanity you do have to start living the life you have. Working out how to make it work for you, you have had some fantastic suggestions, some might work for you some won't, you may need to deal with any depression there may be there. But if you do start making something of your life eventually you'll work out that their are your solutions and that's something to be proud of.

I don't know if it came across in my post op you sound lovely. My ex mil is an extreme example.

Ex-DIL shouldn't of put you in that situation were you had too choose of course you would pick your sons gf too keep a relationship with your actual son.

I hate ex-mil. I don't write anything on here I wouldn't say too her face. But DD loves her nanna so therefore she see's her.

Funny enough my DD's grandad (her dad's dad) doesn't speak my ex over how he treated me, he's back from holiday tomorrow and is coming over mine with a present for DD.

I don't think stopping children from seeing grandparents (unless abuse or other similar) is beneficial. As grown ups we should be putting our personal feelings to one side and doing what's best for the children.

spotty the more the op writes the more she sounds just like my Late MIL who was a very difficult woman. If the op backs off a bit she may salvage a relationship with her sons and have a genuinely happy family again but I really recognise her behaviour and having lived on the other side of it am trying to help her not be the same!

The stress by MIL put DH under was immense and he tried his best to please her but it was never, ever enough and I am actually glad he doesn't have to put up with all her poisonous shit anymore. So yes I am being harsh but I have lived with a woman like the op in our lives and it was hideous.

Checkpoint

Sounds exactly like my situation, and like you I can see traits in op like my MiL, therefore are able to comment on things from the other side.

however OP I mean absolutely no offence when I say that, you really do sound lovely, just some things you say makes you very similar to my MiL

OP maybe try and put a little energy into what is already established eg...lunches with colleagues, go out with husband. Then try and branch out a little.

OP you need to accept that your children have grown into adults with families and lives of their own.

Your grand daughter is becoming an adult with interests of her own.

You seem to be linchpinning your happiness on other people and how much time they give to you.

You need, in the kindest possible way, to accept that they are not responsible for your happiness. You may find if you become less invested and less demanding of their time and energy that they may find you easier to be around.

I cringe a bit at the thought of him dating at 41.

My god, OP. It really is none of your business and you need to get a life!

You sound far too overinvolved in your family's lives. DGD going to university? Great, wish her well. In fact, be happy that she is stepping out into a life of her own. That's normal.

You sound o.k. Got a DH (?) and a job. And friends/colleagues to connect with.

I'm a LP whose DC is now out in the world and living his own life. Great! I see that as a job well done. He even told me he is not sure if he wants children. I said. Fine. I didn't put you into this world to give me grandchildren who could end up living at the other end of the world anyway.

I also know people whose kids are still living at home and will never leave in their late 20's - 40's. Now there's a horror scenario!

I may sound harsh. I don't mean to. Now you have the opportunity to explore all those things that you are interested in but never had the time for in your life. Wish you all the best.

I'd be interested to hear your sons' viewpoints on their situations as I get the impression (and I am really trying not to be too critical) that you are over-involved a little.

Plenty of women never marry or have children and yet manage to have rich, fulfilling lives. You may be letting your (overly high?) expectations of family life cloud what could be - there is the whole world at your feet, don't wait around for your adult children, go and do something great.

OP I think your expectations that when you retired you would spend time with family around you is normal and what a lot of people would think.

Who here, knee-deep in parenting young children, imagines that their DCs will grow up with fractured family lives and DGC that are hard to see? I know DGD is slightly different, being at Uni, but I'm sure if most of us looked up from being knee-deep in primary age children that we have rosy imaginings of our grown DCs and DGCs spending family occasions together. It's not unreasonable!

OP - I would just like to say that I frequently have family occasions with my in-laws and all the grandchildren, grown up children and their partners together. From a distance it probably looks great, but up close, there are difficulties with shifting relationships, favouritism, between grandchildren, jealousy between the grown children.. all sorts. Things that look picture-perfect are probably still not. So please don't think that even apparently close families are all oh so happy with each other, they are probably not to some degree.

Do you have pets? Do you like pets? It sounds like you have a need to care and nurture. Have you considered being a host family for a guide dog, for example, or a cats rescue centre?

You need to live your own life, and let your children live theirs. To be honest the amount of contact you have doesn't really seem that unusual to me, I live 3 hours from my parents and see them about 5 times a year, DB lives 30 minutes from them and maybe sees them twice as much. I see DB about once a year, but we're happy with that, we have our own lives.

It sounds like DS2 is a wonderful father and DGD is spreading her wings, a PP's suggestion of writing to her semi-regularly with no strings attached sound like a good one. Just think, if DS2 met a new woman you could end up with another grandchild, you should be supporting him dating :)

Could you try to build some bridges with your 'new' DIL and her children by inviting DS1 and them all for Sunday lunch or something? Apologise for how you've acted in the past (I can guarantee she knows at least some of what you said about her), and ask if you can try a fresh start? Maybe when you DGS visits you could take all of them out for a day or something?

I agree with a PP who said you could be mildly depressed, my DM was for a bit when we'd both moved out and she was alone with DF (they are retired), who mostly liked watching TV and going to the gym. She saw her doctor and was medicated for a little bit, but she's got some hobbies and friends now and life has perked up for her without us.

Unfortunately, the period she spent being sad-faced and crying down the phone daily about my DB's adventure to Australia to me only pushed me further away, which honestly has taken a couple of years to recover from, so on that front I'd advise pasting a smile on when dealing with your DCs.

Also, have you ever considered fostering? I know a friend whose parents did this when all their children had flown the nest and found it really rewarding.

Rosey

Please ignore the mean people on this thread. On a public forum you get the good ... The bad and the ugly.

I understand how you say this below

How can he be so close to her two children and not his own?

He's closer to them than his own child and that's very sad. Infidelity can rip families apart. Your DGS doesn't really have his dad in his life.

I've heard many BWs say how close they were to MIL and then feel devastated when OW takes her place. It's also like loosing a family for them too. Especially when they're own parents are dead.

It's hard as a mother, but honestly some parents don't think about their DC when they cheat.

Your 19 yo DGD is starting out in life. The occasional text checking how she is would be fine. Uni is busy and life gets hectic. Don't expect too much of her.

Some of my mum's friends feel like you do. My family is very close. My parents don't have a week go by without seeing at least one GC. Her friends sometimes don't see their DGC for months.

But I find those seem to be the one's with sons or where they live in another city. My parents see my DC more than PIL do and it's the same for my sisters DC as well.

Your feelings are normal. You just need to distract yourself because I can't see things changing TBH.

I'm sorry you feel this way but I don't know of anyone who had the exact life they imagined. I think there is a bit of a generational gap of expectations. You spuns like you are of my parents and pil age. Both had their parents living with them, the daughters best friends with the mums. No one had moved outside their own town, daughters generally didn't have demanding and stressful jobs. Everything was about the family. Now days both partners are often in stressful jobs, very little spare time which rightly is largely focused on their spouse and kids. You see your GS once a month, everytime your son has him. What time do they get alone? Are you making comments (however small) everytime you speak with him which are down beat, woe is me? If he is struggling with his own stressful situation this is probably the last thing he needs to hear so doesn't answer your calls. Although in the era of mobiles where people ring when you are busy the conversation expectation has to change from when you rang people on landlines at home. You need to stop putting pressure on your children to live your version on the perfect life (even if you think you haven't mentioned it you probably have). I think once you do things to stop yourself being so needy of them they will be happier having more of a relationship with you

I felt a bit like this when my last child left home. I joined things and then had things to talk about. I found that as I pressured less and was a bit more unavailable and had more to talk about the balance shifted and maybe my perception changed. They seem to reach out to me more although they occasionally grumble that I do much more than they do. It may help that 3 of 4 are girls.

Oh bless you, OP. (hugs)
I don't think you sound at all mean, just a bit sad/disappointed. I think the rosy picture you painted in your head isn't reality for most people though, and you have focused on the idyllic image of being a doting granny with dgc all around you. But things happen - we move, gc grow up and lead their own lives. I advise you send letters and care packages to your gc, and your step-gc - just little things here and there to show you are thinking of them, even if you don't get to see them.
My dc are young and we see a lot of MIL at the moment, and she made a comment that she sees them as much as she can now while they are still young as she expects when the are older they will be off with their friends a lot more - I think you need to manage your expectations a bit, really.
I'd love to have my family all around when they are grown but if they wish to travel/emigrate, then so be it - we give them wings.

I'm sure there used to be a scheme set up for matching children who didn't have grannies with older people who didn't have gc/didn't see their own gc - maybe look into that, or some sort of befriending thing? People are saying join clubs etc but I'm feeling you have enough adults in your life and it's the joy of young children you miss?

Any possibility you can develop an adult relationship with your grandchildren, separately from their fathers?

"Wow. That is so, so lovely. what an amazing GM you have."

spotty Very sadly now my late GM. But I absolutely treasure and delight in that box of letters and fully intend to do the same for my own DGC.

I guess I still see DS1 wife as the OW. I feel like she broke up my happy family

Your son is responsible for what he does with his dick. It's not just the woman's fault...

I think you really do need to talk to someone. You shouldnt be dependent on other people being around to be happy. Your children and grandchildren are moving on and not around very much - in a lot of cases this is completely normal and expected. I also wonder how you treat the OW, do you have a hand in her coolness and not wanting to spend time with you or to get to know you? Without realising you could very likely be giving off vibes around her that you dont like or approve of her.

I think first of all you need to speak to a counseller about empty nest syndrome and depression, maybe your GP and see about getting put on a mild antidepressant.
Then I think I would make of an effort with OW, invite her around for coffee and try and get to know her, but slowly, she wont suddenly fall at your feet. Id also talk to DIL and explain how you felt yiu had to choose DS' 'side' when she gave you an ultimatum but that you regret it and really miss spending time with dgs. Maybe offer to help out with childcare during the summer and at weekends so you get to spend time with dgs and again offer dil and dgs round for dinner/out for a fun afternoon somewhere local.
Try and be proactive but dont get in peoples faces and dont expect people to do as you wish, and dont be discouraged if people dont all immediatly start spending more time with you. You need to slowly start building bridges and accept that life isnt perfect.