To feel disappointed about my adult son’s relationship history?

[Rosey60]

I don’t want to come across as being ungrateful or the dreaded MIL from hell but I have been feeling increasingly sad about the lack of relationships that I now have in my life now my sons have grown up. I have no RL support about from my DH and a few colleagues that I go to lunch with sometimes. I am nearly retired and thought I would be spending my retirement with my family around me, DS’s, DIL’s and DGC, but it doesn’t seem to have worked out like that and I feel I am losing my family if anything.

Two DS’s are in their early 40’s. DS1 was married at 30 to a lovely girl and they had it all, nice house, good jobs and a precious little boy who is now 9. We were beyond gutted when DS just upped and left his wife after only 5 years for an OW he met at work. It totally broke us all as a family. DS1 and his exw had a long bitter divorce and he now has limited access to his DS. Me and exDIL tried to remain friendly but when she made me choose between her and my new DIL I felt pressured and chose new DIL and she has since cut me out of her life and DGS. I now only get to see him when she lets DS1 see him, which is sporadic. After spending a vast amount of money on solicitors and court fees I now feel my DS1 has given up fighting for his son and is just grateful for any time he gets with him.

I regret choosing my new DIL over my old DIL and I know that sounds bad  . DS! Has been married to OW for five years now and I still can’t get to know her. She is aloof and seemingly rude. Me and my DH have only met her six times in 5 years, one of which being their wedding. They only live a 15 minute drive away. I don’t get invited to their house and she never visits when DS1 visits, which is dwindling.

DS2 and his gf got pregnant young (21). Although we were disappointed we were excited about being grandparents and supported them. Even though they never married I treated DS2’s gf as a DIL and we were close. Sadly their relationship ended when DGD was about 4 but they remained very good friends and excellent parents to our treasured granddaughter who is now 19. I always thought / hoped that DS2 and his ex would get back together, they got on so well and neither of them have really had a serious relationship since. I remained close to his ex as DS2 had 50/50 childcare so was an active part of their lives. She would come to family events etc still. However, now things have changed. DGD is off at uni and we hardly see her. I think DS2 and his ex are finding their feet now they don’t have their dd around. DS2’s ex has got a new job so we never see her, and DS2 has started dating! I feel sad as I really thought they would end up back together.

I don’t know what I can do to bring my family back together.

i haven't got any wise words for you OP but you sound like a lovely, generous and self-aware mother and grandmother .

Do you have a dh who is supportive?

Oh my god - reading this thread I am having a 3rd child!

Two boys obviously enough!

My older kids have all left home.19 yr old has autism so will always live with us)
One's 250 miles away, one 70 miles away and one 9000 miles away!

I don't see any of the regularly because they are busy, working adults. Once they went to University they had effectively left home..even the holidays they often worked away. That is NORMAL. And we are a close loving family... when we get together it is fabulous, but I don't expect more than that.

I am vaguely fond of their various partners but have never expected them to want to be more than polite and friendly towards me, because I didn't choose them and they didn't choose me. I am delighted on the years they pitch up for Christmas and we have a lovely time, but I don't demand that they do because they have their own lives to live.. that is just how it is.

Texts, FB and phone calls help, but really you just have to accept what IS and make the best of it. None of mine have children... one doesn't want any, one is gay, and the other is in a transatlantic relationship, and sometimes I feel a little wistful about it, but again..it's not my decision!

I hope you can find something to help fill the gap.. I get it, I really do: sometimes the longing to see DS1 who is on the other side of the world, is like a physical pain, it is so strong. But I would never say that .

You could reach out.. start texting more, ringing more.. making it clear you would love to see them but with no pressure. But you could also look at other ways to fill the weekends...travel, take up a new hobby! (I have just started to learn the guitar..it takes up quite a lot of my spare time!) Most of all you need to let go of 'what could have been' for your own peace .

I don't think you are alone - many of my older friends have similar worries, or combination of them!

Relationships are much more unstable these days. People used to do a good job of bringing up their children and hope that they would go out into the world and make stable relationships and it would normally happen, in some way. But things seem more fluid these days and it is hard to navigate all the different relationships that go on. You sort of have to take the view that they are all family and you love them when you see them, but you can't make them

Be pleased to see your family and make the most of them when you can, but make sure you are doing something for you as well - be that clubs (U3A is popular round here) or plan a list of trips to places you want to see and visit when your retire (or before if you can!). Think of the things that you have missed out on, then do them! Even the best of families can be draining - so do recharge your batteries when you can

OK, Rosey you have identified the problem in your life:

"I feel lonely and disappointed that I don't see as much as I would like of my children and grandchildren. This isn't the way I hoped my life would be at this point, and I feel hurt and abandoned."

Now you have to decide what to do about that.

In the nicest possible way, sulking, moping, being a martyr and trying to guilt-trip your offspring into filling the void in your life isn't an option. Nor is a passive state of helpless bewilderment and poor-me-ishness.

You say that you have never really had close friends, and that you expected your DH and children to be your main/only source of social and emotional support. That is simply not a fair expectation to have -- your children have NOT signed up to be the sole provider for their mother's emotional needs for the rest of their lives. Nor do they have an obligation to supply grandchildren.

So since you aren't going to get this perfect everyone-spending-their-weekends-together-extended-family-roast-every-sunday-lets-go-on-holiday-together-just-call-me-Ma-Walton idyll, you have to go out there and find a way to get the excitement, connection, companionship and support you need. Or just feel sad an hard done by. Which is it?

May i suggest something that is probably ridiculous so dismiss if not relevant or realistic. Do you have any pets? Would you be abel to look after a dog, and if your lifestyle doesn't allow for this, maybe a cat? sorry that's probably daft. You seem to have so much love to give, a nurturer... Maybe volunteering working with children would be fulfilling?

I do have a dh. He is supportive, but he is not as emotional as me. I know he misses the family, but he is quite happy pottering round on his own and in his shed, watching tv etc.

We were such a happy family 15 years ago!

I have thought about volunteering after i retire, i'll go nuts otherwise! I work with children now so this is something to persue.
Pets is a no go for me, my dh has too many allergies.

I have given up texting or calling DS1. He either didn't answer or was always busy. He always texts me if and when he sees his ds and arranges to come over so we get to see him, but this only ends up being once a month maybe.

re counselling....this is not just something for hopeless,depressed types! It can be a fantastic way of exploring things in a safe place. Maybe you have given so much to your family and now its time to redress the balance and find you.

I do have a dh. He is supportive, but he is not as emotional as me. I know he misses the family, but he is quite happy pottering round on his own and in his shed, watching tv etc.

Ah yes, DH is a bit like that - but give him a map of the Tokyo rail/underground system - and he is dragging me at full speed round every possible tourist venue - with jetlag - we had to go there to see DD - who would have thought it . A very independent traveller.

re volinteering maybe keep away from what you have done for a job and try something off piste

I also hate to think the dgs spends more time with his other grandparents than us. it seems so unfair.

DS1's wife also has dc from her first marriage so we are technically step grandparents to them. We have so much love the give them but it seems unwanted.

Cherylene - I wish my dh was like that! He has been retired for years already and seems happy just to potter in the garden. He hates travel as he hates the sun, travelling, weather etc etc. he is a home boy! :) we both are really.

unfair.....unwanted......mmm have a think about this. You seem rather turned in on yourself. I say this as one who knows this path well

The OW tends to be seen as such for a very long time if not forever. 5 years is nothing. People think the label drops just because you get married.

I hope she's not getting panicked .... as your DS1 left his first wife after the same 5 years. Hopefully they'll stay together having broken up their respective marriages to be with each other.

I suspect new DIL can sense you're not her biggest fan hence she stays away, but I can understand how you feel about her.

From my observations, parents need to have had a pretty close relationship with their DCs and the siblings need to be close as well to have what you describe. It's not impossible, but many families just aren't like that.

Do you have sibings or cousins or friends that see their DGC regularly?

I think your behaviour at the start of ds's relationship with his wife, along with your continued pining for his ex has coloured your relationship with your son and his wife, so therefore her dc too.

You've painted yiur ex DIL as a paragon but she has withheld contact, treated your son unfairly and used you for contact. She doesn't sound like Mary Poppins!

As for cringing because your single son is dating? That's just a bit nasty.

You have to stop obsessing about the past. You have already damaged relations by doing so.

"I have given up texting or calling DS1. He either didn't answer or was always busy."

That must feel frustrating and hurtful but your ds is just getting on with his own life. In a way that's positive.

I love getting together with my parents but when they call me i often am in the middle of something and too busy to talk so calls are kept short. Answering a text message should not be a problem though. My brother rarely visits my parents which i know is hurtful for mum. Maybe it's just how men tend to be and maybe it depends very much on the daughters in law to keep a relationship active.. just pondering.

Just to say that my dh is quite different to my brother in how he engages with his parents (who live abroad). He was broad up to have huge respect for his parents, which he still has at 45. This as in actual fact held him back in life as has never rebelled against them and has an inflated need to pander to his parents wishes at the cost of his own enjoyment of life.

Let your boys (men) live their lives. Maybe you could start engaging a bit more with ds1's partner if she is open to it.

Be careful that you don't send vibes a long the lines of "you owe me (companionship), time" etc. Sorry I hope that doesn't sound harsh just that when people do feel others expect a lot from them which they are unable to give they may want to keep their distance even more.... if this makes sense.

rosey you sound even more like my mil now. Once a month is a pretty regular amount of time to see you DH and dgs. You also sound jealous of the other grandparents (my mil was like this too and it made every visit excruciatingly uncomfortable because she acted like we had done something hideous and had let her down, which obviously made us all far less keen to go next time, we could never meet her demented expectation of what 'family life' should be) and that is never an attractive feature.

Back off from your sons, go and see the gp and stop being so full of self pity.
Honestly? You sound like very hard work indeed.

Oh dear. You are getting some excellent advice on this thread but really don't seem to be taking it on board.

Things change. People change. People's lives move on in different directions. You really can't expect things to be the same now as they were 15 years ago, and all your talk about how disappointed YOU are, and how upset YOU are that your DS2 didn't stay in this relationship with a woman with a young child so that YOU could have a family around the place again...... you do come across as very needy and rather a little selfish.

Your sons' lives are not yours to live. They've made their own way in the world and are living their lives their way, but you seem to begrudge them this because it doesn't meet with your hopes and expectations.

And as for "cringing" because a man in his early 40s starts dating - what century is this?? At what age should a single man stop dating?

You need to get to your GP and get checked out for depression, and then find something worthwhile to do with your life other than feeling sorry that your adult children and adult grand-daughter are leading lives that don't revolve around you.

Our lives are what we make them. You seem determined to turn yours into a martyrdom.

Honestly? You sound quite mean

Could you take the initiative and make a real effort to reach out to your current DIL? It sounds as though all contact goes through DS1.
Ok, the way she became your DIL is far from ideal but the fact is that she is who your son has chosen to be with.
Could you suggest meeting up with her for coffee/lunch just the two of you? And be open and honest that you don't feel you have got to know her and would like to change that.
Also feel that you need to leave your adult sons to live their own lives and concentrate on making your own life more enriching for yourself.

I have 3 brothers. 2 live locally. One in NZ who is married with no children, he visits once a year.
One brother has a wife and 4 children (3 grown up dc with his exw and 1 who is a teen still living at home). He is close to all his dc and one 2 dgc.
Other brother also has 4 dc (2 with first wife, 2 with his second). He is close to all bar the eldest who is a bit of a trouble making. His second eldest has 3dc who is he close to.

Yes, DS1's wife knew i was close to exDIL when they split so i think she kept her distance out of respect. I must admit i was quite vocal to my DS1 about how I was upset about him leaving his marriage and his marriage to OW. I thought they were rushing into it. I guess he repeated this all back to her maybe and now she thinks we are the bad guys? I also told him that I found it difficult him calling her dc his stepchildren. I still do. How can he be so close to her two children and not his own? How can he see them as family when we don't get to? I hope he didn't repeat that back to his wife.

She is always polite and friendly when we have seen her. But it has literally been 6 times in 5 years!

Rosey you sound so sad but I agree with pps that your own basket needs some additional eggs for now.

re. your DGD, she is off making her own life as an adult in a very healthy and constructive way. Since you were a large part of her childhood, she needs to leave you and her parents behind for a time to launch into independence.

I was very close to my DGM as a child and needed similar distance at that age. Luckily she was also a young GM and, when I had grown up a bit, we resumed our close relationship with weekly phone calls, visits when possible etc.

What my GM did was write an actual letter to me every week or so without fail, sometimes enclosing a bar of chocolate or little treat, and without any expectation of a response (I did respond, but much less regularly!) She wrote bits and pieces about her life, our family history, the weather, local life. She never passed judgement on my life, offered advice or put demands or expectations upon me but was just available. I treasure those letters now and her staying in touch like that was what kept me anchored whilst I was busy becoming an adult. Would you consider doing something similar?

I'm frankly flabbergasted that you are not delighted with and proud of your DS2 for putting off his youth in order to raise his daughter! So many young men would have been way off the scene by now. He sounds like a lovely man. You obviously did a good job.

Re. DS1, this is sad. I would also do my best to rebuild bridges with ex DIL, with no expectations. Just to apologise if you feel you made the wrong choice at a stressful time. Write to DGS if she will let you!

Loads of great suggestions and comments here so I'll just suggest something that my gran did when I was at uni. She wrote me a card every single week - sometimes with news, sometimes just "miss you, lots of love, gran", and sometimes a handy tenner!

It really kept me close to my gran when I was a wild student that rarely went home and is one of those memories I treasure now that she has dementia. Could you maybe do something like that for your gd?