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Original poster

14 and 12 year old can't use the bathroom

89 replies

WentworthMillerMad · 09/09/2016 11:09

I spent a week over the summer holidays with my DHs family in a hired holiday cottage in England.
It's close family and their 2 sons are aged 14 and 12. We don't spend that much time together and I was looking forward to it.
DH and I noticed after the first day that there were shit handprints on the tiles in the bathroom, also over the toilet roll holder, the seat and lots of urine on the floor. When I questioned the boys the shrugged their shoulders and both parents found it highly amusing. I asked them to clean the bathroom after each use which they did if I was around but not if I wasn't. DH and I cleaned both bathrooms 3 times a day so that they were usable and counted the minutes until the 'holiday' ended.
They are due to stay with us in 2 weeks and it will be easier as its my house, my rules but should I talk to the parents seriously about this. I fear if I do they will cut us out of their lives. The boys just haven't been taught how use the bathroom.
Parents on the whole are not around as work v long hours. They didn't shower in the whole week we were there and often ate with their hands.
I am not saying my kids are perfect but these kids don't have the basics and they are not nice to be around. Any suggestions gratefully received! I am very down about this, I found it shocking but also really sad. Parents see them as quirky and independent. Maybe we just avoid them and butt out and shut up!!! Help!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 09/09/2016 12:24

One of my Step children did this, two at first, but one stopped.

Their Mother had told them to do it, not only to me, but if they stayed at someone's house and was made to do something that they didn't want to, as a form of protest.

My Step DD ended up on drugs and in Prison, partly because she didn't fit in anywhere and we (me and my DH) were fighting a losing battle with her. She was also allowed to spit at people.

It can be a sign of sexual abuse, but it is indicative of serious neglect.

You shouldn't have put up with this, at all.

The Parents and the boys, now need straight talking. They at least need to be shown that they need to not cross other people's bounderies and having to put up with and being exposed to disease, via other people's shit, certainly is on everyone's boundary, other than scat fans.

roomonmybroom · 09/09/2016 12:26

You say they are nice boys, so I now feel sad for them, so it is sounding more like neglect which is very sad, and the fact their parents find it funny when actually it is very far from.
Do they have a close bond with anyone who could maybe gently have a chat with them? I am sure if they are as nice as you say they will be very embarrassed when they realise how not normal this behaviour is, but it sounds like they need a mentor to take them under thier wing.

The parents still deserve to be told in no uncertain terms what feckless fuckwits they are!

MeridianB · 09/09/2016 12:29

"a form of protest"
The definitive Dirty Protest! Grin

liz70 · 09/09/2016 12:37

I'm finding this hard to believe, tbh. Hmm If these boys attend high school, then I can't imagine how this behaviour hasn't been called out by other boys who've used a toilet cubicle after them. IME most teenaged lads (and girls) in that situation would be likely to yell something like, "EWWW! SO-AND-SO JUST LEFT SHIT ALL OVER THE FUCKING BOG! THE DIRTY BASTARD!" etc. etc. and it would be all over the school within minutes. Or do these lads only behave like chimps at home? Hmm

RepentAtLeisure · 09/09/2016 12:45

It's not their behaviour but the attitudes of their parents that's the problem. I'd cancel their visit and tell them why.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 09/09/2016 12:45

I get why you're hesitating about a serious conversation where you say that the boys behaviour is so far away from the norm that it's completely unacceptable and usually a sign of neglect or worse.

That's a relationship changing type of conversation.

But you cannot have your own home treated in this way, and the parents need to take responsibility for the walls of shit and respect you and your home.

So, very very awkward and serious.

Good luck with it.

Hockeydude · 09/09/2016 12:49

I grew up in a houseful of boys and find shit, farts etc funny still. This however is beyond the pale - shit handprints on the wall Shock. I mean just think about how that would be done, you would have to smear your entire hand with shit to make a handprint. In particular, if you were doing a poor job of wiping your arse, you'd still not get shit over your palm, it'd just be on your fingertips/edge of Palm. All I can think of is that they are sitting on the bog, crapping into their hands and pressing it onto the wall. Either way, nobody who did that would be allowed in my house, ever. Wtf have you invited them for. Just contact them and tell them the visit is off.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 09/09/2016 12:53

I too have been taught that this is a serious red flag. I know people say this far too often on here, but you should contact NSPCC or social services. There is something very wrong here.

Gazelda · 09/09/2016 12:54

I'd be cancelling the invite. Tell the parents why.

JinkxMonsoon · 09/09/2016 12:59

No way are they doing this because they "haven't been taught to use the toilet".

They're 12 and 14. They know exactly how they're supposed to behave in a bathroom.

So there are other reasons afoot. And going how many times I've read about shit smearers in otherwise respectable workplaces, it's possibly more common than you think.

carabos · 09/09/2016 13:02

I went to a colleague's house one morning to collect her as we were going on a work trip. I went to use her downstairs cloakroom - went in and walked straight out again. Her teenage son had been in there before me, left the loo full if shit - and I mean full, it looked like a donkey had dumped in there, left the handtowel on the floor next to the toilet and bits of dirty loo roll on the seat.

I have honestly never seen a mess like it. The boy just strolled back into the kitchen like normal, nit like someone who perhaps had an upset stomach. This was a very "naice" family, lovely home, not short of anything. The rest of the house was immaculate. Colleague went into the cloakroom, flushed, wiped round and we left. I was Shock and Hmm that nothing was said. If one of mine had done that I'd have slapped him senseless.

Original poster
WentworthMillerMad · 09/09/2016 13:12

Wow! Firstly thanks for the supportive messages - the wow is at how many of you have come across this situation. At least I am not alone.
Agree with all of the advice. The other thing is that they never flush.
I watched something on netflix this week called 'how clean is your crime scene'. Honestly I need them!!!!!

OP posts:
a7mints · 09/09/2016 13:16

Op would it be possible, anonymously if necessary to drop a line to their school . It may well not be, but if they are being abused , every little clue is vital.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2016 13:21

Op I could not have spent that time with them, and not said anything! Like "don't eat with your hands, where's your cutlery" "leave the toilet as you found it,, to the parents "get your kids to clean up their mess. Its not amusing, its embarrassing, at their age they should bloody know about how to use the toilet and to clean up after themselves, even preschoolers do"! Sorry op I could not have held myself back. Their parenting if you want to call it that, is neglect and cap!

Mynestisfullofempty · 09/09/2016 13:23

I agree with Aeroflot, how could you NOT have said that to them? I just don't get it.

liz70 · 09/09/2016 13:23

"If one of mine had done that"

But they don't, do they? Because we drum into our children as soon as we start toilet training, "Sit still, don't wiggle or jiggle about, when you've finished, fold 3 or 4 sheets of paper and wipe, once for a wee, for a poo, repeat until clean. If you get any mess then on the seat - which shouldn't happen if you're sat still - then wipe it clean with some damp paper.Then flush and wash your hands."

It's standard loo etiquette. These lads don't sound as if they've ever been taught it.

Mynestisfullofempty · 09/09/2016 13:36

But how could they not have been taught it? Surely their parents don't prefer that they carry on as they are? How revolting for them as well. It's completely baffling.

liz70 · 09/09/2016 13:39

"But how could they not have been taught it?"
"It's completely baffling."

Quite.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2016 13:39

Even ds age 4 knows where to aim, he does not make a mess, wipes, flushes the pulls his clothes together and goes, and if he does he gets something to wipe it up with, like an old rag or cloth and tries. Unless they have bowel issues or SN, how on earth do they get poo everywhere! Who thinks its acceptable to wipe it on the walls, at their age, they should bloody know. Are they not embarrassed from their peers.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2016 13:41

Op I don't know how you did not take them back to the toilet, and show them their mess, and get them to clean it up, and show them how to use the toilet, I really could not have held back.

Mynestisfullofempty · 09/09/2016 13:43

OP, do this family visit other family members, such as your in-laws? If they behave like that on visits I assume you would have heard about it. How about school? Behaviour like this would have been acted upon in primary school, let alone secondary.

flagnogbagnog · 09/09/2016 13:53

I'm a cleaner and have come across this kind of thing many times. A pub I used to clean was the worst. Often shit smeared on tiles or skirting boards. I also clean a medical centre and there is alway urine on the floor and all around the toilets etc in the many toilets they have there. It seem really common to me. I'm never sure whether people don't care to clean up after themselves because it's not their toilet, or whether they would leave that kind of mess at home too.

Mynestisfullofempty · 09/09/2016 13:55

flagnogbagnog How do you stand it? Don't you feel sick?

maybethedayafter · 09/09/2016 14:05

My 2 and a half year old, recently potty trained daughter knows that she needs to wipe after using the potty, that she has to flush it away in the toilet and then she washes her hands. I don't understand how a 14 year old can't understand the same rules. Either they've never been taught them or they're consciously choosing to disobey them and then you have to ask why?

BurningBridges · 09/09/2016 14:10

OP by all means talk to them if you want to, but make it as part of cancelling the visit. This isn't going to be resolved overnight. I can't believe you didn't just come home from the holiday, you actually hung around and cleaned their shit up?

When you say DH's family is this his brother or sister, the boys his nephews? Its so far removed from ok and normal that I question your judgement in thinking it was just a bit of an awkward situation - its way beyond that.