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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 and 12 year old can't use the bathroom

89 replies

WentworthMillerMad · 09/09/2016 11:09

I spent a week over the summer holidays with my DHs family in a hired holiday cottage in England.
It's close family and their 2 sons are aged 14 and 12. We don't spend that much time together and I was looking forward to it.
DH and I noticed after the first day that there were shit handprints on the tiles in the bathroom, also over the toilet roll holder, the seat and lots of urine on the floor. When I questioned the boys the shrugged their shoulders and both parents found it highly amusing. I asked them to clean the bathroom after each use which they did if I was around but not if I wasn't. DH and I cleaned both bathrooms 3 times a day so that they were usable and counted the minutes until the 'holiday' ended.
They are due to stay with us in 2 weeks and it will be easier as its my house, my rules but should I talk to the parents seriously about this. I fear if I do they will cut us out of their lives. The boys just haven't been taught how use the bathroom.
Parents on the whole are not around as work v long hours. They didn't shower in the whole week we were there and often ate with their hands.
I am not saying my kids are perfect but these kids don't have the basics and they are not nice to be around. Any suggestions gratefully received! I am very down about this, I found it shocking but also really sad. Parents see them as quirky and independent. Maybe we just avoid them and butt out and shut up!!! Help!

OP posts:

ProseccoBitch · 09/09/2016 11:42

As others have said there's no way I'd have them to stay at my house. As hard as it would be I'd take back the invitation and be honest about the reason.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2016 11:48

OMG even my recently toilet trained ds 4.8 years who is dev delayed does not do this in the toilet. If he does, he finds something to clean it up with, disgusting behaviour. Really at their age barring SN which op does not mention, this is awful behaviour, and the parents should be bloody ashamed. Yes I would tell them, if they cut you out, so what! Their parenting sounds atrocious.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2016 11:49

Yes I agree, take back the invitation, I would not have those kind of people staying with me.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 11:50

Is this for real? It's literally unbelievable.

a7mints · 09/09/2016 11:50

smearing is a pretty sure sign that something is the matter.
Did these kids seem ok otherwise?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/09/2016 11:52

Even if it is SN, parents would be onto it and clearing it up. Well I most definitely would, and my dd has ASD and learning difficulties.

ProseccoBitch · 09/09/2016 11:52

I would agree that the only time I've come across anything like this is with elderly dementia patients.

a7mints · 09/09/2016 11:52

Have just read your OP a bit more carefully.
OP, I wonder whetyher you would consider ringing NSPCC or SS for some advice.I would have grave concerns about these youngsters.

Original poster

WentworthMillerMad · 09/09/2016 11:53

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your time to respond.
I am now ready for a difficult conversation and laying down very firm rules. A shared holiday won't happen again!
They are nice boys with kind hearts, somebody up thread mentioned neglect and I think that is my fear. It is now normalised within the family and family are now too scared to bring this up. I will although I am crap at this - hence my post!
The eating habits aren't great but it's easy to walk away from the table to 'fill the water jug'. They spend a long time alone and have a twice weekly cleaner so maybe the parents aren't that aware of it - they have their own bathroom?
The problem is I think wiping bottoms - they are now men and eat so much and then not washing hands at all - properly and leaning on the tiles to get more loo roll....... Thanks for honest advice and opinions!

OP posts:

swissy56 · 09/09/2016 11:54

FranHastings · 09/09/2016 11:54

I seem to remember from child protection courses that this sort of behaviour is a massive cause for concern.

Even if nothing sinister is happening, it is absolutely disgusting and I can't believe the parents thought it funny. No way would they be staying in my house.

AliceScarlett · 09/09/2016 11:55

I would def speak to the parents, you could do it in a casual way.

honkinghaddock · 09/09/2016 11:56

It happened a few times at the school I taught at and it was always regarded as a sign of a serious problem.

PovertyPain · 09/09/2016 11:56

Why would you have someone in your home that has no respect for you? They are not 'quirky', they are selfish bastards that haven't taken the time out to teach their children the basics. That's not being quirky, that's selfish neglect.

On the other hand, it sounds like a behavioural issue. I can't imagine that their parents would permit that in their own house, or it doesn't bare thinking about.

Kenduskeag · 09/09/2016 11:57

Come on, this isn't some shades-of-grey scenario where you find a teensy bit of behaviour a little tiny bit unusual and are wondering if you should casually mention it or let it be. They put shit on your walls.

Handy rule for life, once they're over the age of toddlerhood. "If I did this in the middle of Debenhams, would I be arrested? If the answer is Yes, it is Not Acceptable Behaviour".

They can't go around leaving shitty handprints. What about school? What if someone notices them? They'll be Shitpaws for the rest of their school lives. They could make themselves, or someone else, very seriously ill.

You need to speak to the parents and watch them squirm. What are they going to say? "Oh yes, we stopped going to my sibs-in-law's because she said my sons weren't allowed to wipe shit on her walls anymore, the unreasonable cow."

DrudgeJedd · 09/09/2016 11:59

Why on earth invite them to stay if you couldn't wait to get away from them?

LagunaBubbles · 09/09/2016 12:02

Why are you too scared to bring this up? Its so far removed from whats appropriate I would have no qualms!

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 09/09/2016 12:05

Seriously?

MrsWhippie · 09/09/2016 12:05

"I fear if I do they will cut us out of their lives." I think it should be you cutting them out, seriously. Why on earth did you clean bathrooms after them? You should have claimed a bathroom for your own use on the holiday. No way should you have them in your home. These kids are a health hazard, because despite you running around cleaning up after them, they will touch other things in your house, in your kitchen, and presumably eat with you.

PedantPending · 09/09/2016 12:06

Hmm, we had a family rule: if you cannot shoot straight, sit down.
I always used to call out: time to wash your hands before lunch/supper which worked, too.
I feel very sorry for these poor young men, if they have not been taught the basics of hygiene.

Friolero · 09/09/2016 12:09

Surely if they can't go for a poo without getting it all over the walls, their school will have noticed and said something? If they don't have SN this is very strange behaviour.

PrivatePike · 09/09/2016 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrivatePike · 09/09/2016 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiegeticMuch · 09/09/2016 12:17

Those poor children. For their sakes, you're right to have the conversation.

MeridianB · 09/09/2016 12:18

OP, why did you clean their mess up? Why didn't you DH show his brother what the children had done and leave him to do it? Are you really going to be doing it again for them at your house?

It's amazing that they haven't contracted (or passed on) something nasty....

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