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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Midwife asked about abortion

101 replies

restofthetimes · 08/09/2016 15:03

So the midwife at my booking asked about previous abortions/miscarriages. I said one previous abortion, when I was 17 - which she marked down, and then said "why"?

Do they have to ask that?

OP posts:
whistlingtea · 08/09/2016 17:23

We're not having a baby until married, I just saw this thread in active and read it and panicked a bit!

whistlingtea · 08/09/2016 17:23

And no there won't be any complications I wouldn't think so it's fine I just wouldn't mention it!

Rinceoir · 08/09/2016 17:27

I'm a medic, not obs, but in a related field where I would sometimes need to ask about terminations. I would never presume that a termination as a teenager was not for medical reasons.

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2016 17:28

What does your H2B's religion have to do with your abortion, whistlingtea?

citybushisland · 08/09/2016 17:31

Enquiringmind Nah, I wasn't really bothered, DH knew already and there were good reasons but MIL wasn't interested in them, just in judging, still at least I got her measure early on - funnily enough SIL has asked me to help find MIL and FIL a nursing home, they are in their late 80's now, I could be very mean couldn't I...

phillipp · 08/09/2016 17:31

I wonder what the stats are - I'd imagine it's negligible,

why?

53rdAndBird · 08/09/2016 17:32

whistlingtea, you can tell your midwife that you don't want him to know, and she won't tell him. But it's not a good idea to lie to medical staff because you're worried about what your (future) DH would think, in any circumstances.

whistlingtea · 08/09/2016 17:32

Well, to him abortion is murder. So it would be like finding out his wife had murdered a baby.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/09/2016 17:36

I think she might have said something more explicit, TBH. Like 'This is nothing to worry about, but in order for me to treat this pregnancy as best I can, may I ask why that was?' Then you would know it was relevant straight off.

I think sometimes medics can think we don't need to know their reasoning about anything. Some people like that, but others find it a bit patronizing/rude.

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2016 17:36

Would it be a deal breaker though whistlingtea?

If so, I think you should tell him.

Don't get me wrong, I do think it's your business but at the same time, I think it's a bit off to deliberately keep information from someone, so that they'll marry you.

If he loves you, he should understand.

toomuchtooold · 08/09/2016 17:42

lj
Or they say they had a previous miscarriage, but once we look at their hospital records there is record of a termination in there.

Is there any difference between how a termination and a surgically-managed miscarriage are recorded in the notes?

EveOnline2016 · 08/09/2016 17:42

Whistlingtea you should tell him.

It may be the end of your relationship but can you really be with someone who views you as a murderer.

whistlingtea · 08/09/2016 17:42

It's not that simple Worra, it was a long time ago and I'm not going to wreck my chances of happiness because of a mistake I made once

UmbongoUnchained · 08/09/2016 17:43

Well, to him abortion is murder. So it would be like finding out his wife had murdered a baby.

Why would you want to marry someone so backwards?

JenLindleyShitMom · 08/09/2016 17:43

You need to tell your h2b, don't keep it a secret.

Why on earth does she need to? Confused how on earth is it any of his business? Should she tell him about the ingrown toenail she had removed aged 13 and the bladder infection she had at 17?

TrailingIvy · 08/09/2016 17:43

whistlingtea If he feels that strongly about something that you have done in the past, whether he knows about it or not, are you sure you're happy being with him? That's a stick of dynamite buried in your relationship that'll go off if he ever somehow finds out. But even if he doesn't, you'll know that he fundamentally disapproves of something which is a fact of your life... which is difficult for a marriage.

Maybe if you tell him, he'll understand, and it'll soften the way he feels about it? It must be very difficult for you hearing him say what he thinks about it, knowing that it's something you have done yourself.

whistlingtea · 08/09/2016 17:45

Thank you jen that's also how I see it. I was a very different person then.

TrailingIvy · 08/09/2016 17:48

But also to add whistlingtea that whatever your future husband thinks, you have done nothing wrong and what you did wasn't murder and of course, in the end, it's nobody's business but yours.

Lules · 08/09/2016 17:48

Another person adding that it's routine. When I replied that I hadn't been pregnant before they checked to make sure I meant I had never had an abortion or a miscarriage. And they told me before the appointment that my partner wouldn't be able to come in to all the appointment. (They also asked me about DV and FGM then)

Bogeyface · 08/09/2016 17:51

whistling You dont have to tell him, and you dont have to tell the MW either if you dont want to, plenty of people dont have it on their medical records. However, if he feels so strongly that it would be a dealbreaker it would make me think twice about marrying him. He is religious but wouldnt forgive you for something you did long before you knew him? What if you had a pregnancy where the child had problems that are incompatible with life? Would he insist you went through a pregnancy where the child was bound to die just to go along with his beliefs?

whistlingtea · 08/09/2016 17:52

I don't know bogey, he may well be fine and understanding but it would always be 'there', I think.

BummyMummy77 · 08/09/2016 17:55

I was with four different midwives with ds and not one asked 'why'.

Benedikte2 · 08/09/2016 18:12

I support your decision whistling tea. If you tell the midwife you can't guarantee something might be said by one of the midwives during your labour and in your DP's hearing.
Unless you had a late term termination it should not have any bearing on your second pregnancy.
Maybe over the years you can educate him to mellow his attitude re his rigid beliefs?
Good luck for the future, anyway

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2016 18:25

whistling you do not have to tell him! It is none of his business at all, whether he would judge you is completely irrelevant. He has plenty of information to go on as to who you are and has made his decision on that basis. If you need to lie to the midwife to avoid him finding out then do so. It's your body and your history and unless it's medically relevant then the lie to the MW will not hurt.

OP did you think she was just nosy?! Obviously there's a medical reason for her questions she's not there for her own entertainment.

MrsBrent · 08/09/2016 18:29

I got asked in front of DH, the answer was an honest no. I did think it could be awkward if your partner didn't know. People make that choice for so many reasons.
I wasn't seen on my own or asked about DV either. Although i had only had my booking in and one other midwife appointment for some reason.

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