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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husbands work are cunts

98 replies

pleasemothermay1 · 08/09/2016 12:33

They now have a 6 week notice policey for Hoildays

We have adopted a baby and he won't be able to come to the celebration hearing as its in two weeks

They only sent me the letter today

They are cunts

He hardly ever takes time off pretty much always has time left at the end of the year as I am at home but I really want him to be at this Ffs Aibu

OP posts:

MrsSparkles · 08/09/2016 13:30

Is it 6 weeks notice for a single day off. We block book in 6 month periods for holidays of a week plus but up to 3 days off have no time limit.

If his immediate maanger has said no then escalate it. I'm sure most decent employers would do their best to make this work. I know I would (as an employer).

RainyDayBear · 08/09/2016 13:31

I agree with all of the above - this is a big deal (I would probably tell them he needs to be in court personally for it to be granted etc). He should take it higher until someone shows some decency. Even my work would grant this (and they are super awkward generally).

blueskyinmarch · 08/09/2016 13:31

Has he even asked for the day off yet? I would do as people have said and get him to tell them he has only just received the paperwork advising him to attend court on that date. They are only cunts if they actually refuse .

KittensDoNotLikeFluffyBlankets · 08/09/2016 13:32

Dont

Mischa123 · 08/09/2016 13:39

as an adoptive parent I know how important this day is. this is THE day, the day you have been aiming towards where no one will ever be able to do anything to change your family. He has to be there, I think this is an exceptional circumstance that has to be considered, or I think he may well get a nasty stomach bug that day

Starrystarrynight456 · 08/09/2016 13:39

I'm not surprised you're upset OP. I agree with other posters that it's worth explaining it to other managers and that it's a court appointment etc. If they still can't allow a full day off then I think your DH would be best saying that he is willing to be flexible etc, would half day work? Can he swap with someone, work extra hours on another day etc (clearly depends on nature of his work).

But importantly, if they still refuse, I don't think it would be advisable to pull a sickie as others have said. Firstly, you'd both be worried about him getting caught and this would impact on your enjoyment of the day. Secondly, if caught, while unlikely, this would generally be seen as gross misconduct because of the lying, breakdown in trust. Now while your DH would have strong mitigation, obviously this would not be a nice experience.

Don't quote me on this as it will be determined by your DH companies own policies but my experience (HR background) of companies is a one day unauthorised absence would be treated less harshly than lying about the reason for absence if caught ie. If DH is determined to attend I think a better plan is to say upfront I will be attending this even if you refuse leave but am prepared to do anything to make it happen (as above) because unauthorised absence of 1 day is not in my experience a gross misconduct offence (although as I say your DH should check his companies policies) whereas lying about sickness could well be.

That said of course if he pulled a sickie he may well not get caught so it may be a case of weighing up the risks of doing this rather than staying up front he will attend.

Hope that makes sense.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/09/2016 13:47

Two of my siblings (with their partners) have had their DCs through adoption, so I do understand how huge this day is.

DSis is a HCP, and has to book her holidays months in advance - as she has patients booked in with her several weeks ahead. She was still granted the day off, also at short notice, to go to Court.

This is an unusual circumstance, which will not set a precedent to other staff if allowed, as not a particularly high % of people ever adopt.

I really think he needs to explain the significance and make it very clear he WILL be absent that morning/afternoon/day depending on appointment time.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/09/2016 13:48

I wouldn't have a clue about something like this.

So I think calling it a celebration day makes it sound less important because, as an employer I could be thinking just celebrate after work.

If he words it like I have a court appearance I can't miss then they'd be more likely to give him the day off, I'd imagine.

Italiangreyhound · 08/09/2016 13:51

Latetotheparty that is very interesting that you had to attend. If the OP has a similar note that would be excellent as work would be unable to refuse.

I think just keep going up higher and higher level until you reach someone with a brain!

MissDuke · 08/09/2016 13:54

It isn't clear from your posts whether he has actually asked, or are you just assuming that they will follow policy? I would absolutely be telling them that he is required to attend court as part of the adoption process, if they say no - then absolutely call them the word you put in your title. However if he hasn't asked then surely the name calling is a bit premature?

Good luck, I absolutely agree with you that he should be there.

CheesyWeez · 08/09/2016 13:54

I was lucky enough to attend the adoption celebration when I became an adoptive auntie. As other posters have said, the celebration isn't a party but a court appearance before a judge - and signing of official books and such. So there's no choice as to date and time.
Of course if you come out of court and go to the pub afterwards, that's your choice! That's what happened in our case, a welcome last chance to buy the social worker a drink (she asked for a cup of tea!) The adopted children were older than your baby so it was nice, necessary, even, for them to see all the family dressed up and welcoming them.

I think he needs to ask for leave again, taking the letter from the court and explaining that it is an obligatory court appearance which can't be moved to a weekend.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 13:54

I find 6 weeks to book a single day off is very inflexible.

One team at my work place did this without HR agreement and I told them it would encourage people to go off sick.

I would suggest he puts the request in writing and states the reason for the day off to his manager, even if he's done it verbally. Then he should also copy the HR rep into the emai

He should also be state that (having waited x number of years to adopt and going through extensive vetting and social services meetings, it is very important for you to be there, as your DD or DS is adopted and doesn't necessarily have the same bond a biological child would with you at this stage. That he feels it is important to be there for DD or DS and to support you his wife.

I dare any decent company to deny the request when phrased like that.

If I (as a HR person) was copied into that email, I'd tell the manager to approve it immediately or risk us being taken to Tribunal.

neddle · 08/09/2016 14:00

My dh's work requires over a year's notice for leave.
We had to request all holiday by the end of December 2015 for the period of April 2016 to March 2017.

When my grandmother died at Christmas, he couldn't take the day off for the funeral in mid January. I had to arrange my 3 oldest children to sleepover at two different relatives for them to take to school the next day and I had to take my two preschoolers with me to the funeral (which was an absolute disaster, that I still haven't gotten over).

If you need an odd day for something, you have to find someone to swap with, and tough if you can't.

tealady · 08/09/2016 14:01

Horrible attitude from employer but many congratulations on your exciting news!

There is more info here about your rights:-

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/rights-at-work/parental-rights/parental-rights-at-work/#h-adoption-leave

Dontyoulovecalpol · 08/09/2016 14:02

What an awful place for him to work neddle. Can't he work anywhere else? I'm amazed anyone would stay somewhere with so little regard for their staff

diddl · 08/09/2016 14:08

Hopefully it being a court date that he must attend will alter things!

Congratulations-you must be so excited!

CheesyWeez · 08/09/2016 14:08

People turn up with "Happy Adoption Day" cards and everything (google it!)

In our court they schedule the adoption days on different days to the other stuff - so the waiting room is full of happy adoptive families that day - (and not the families who have to bring their loved ones to court for misdeeds)

Adoption days are a big deal that you don't know about unless you've been to one.

Have a lovely day OP and good luck, I'm sure you will get your OH there!

Benedikte2 · 08/09/2016 14:13

OP this is a Big Deal and the Court will not view your DH's absence very favourably! The ceremony is not a formality and the judge is perfectly entitled to postpone the making of the order if he feels their is a lack of commitment on your DH's part by his non attendance!
Cameras are not permitted in courtrooms but are allowed for adoption ceremonies because these form part of the child's life story work.
I will message you privately as I don't want to out myself

CheesyWeez · 08/09/2016 14:14

neddle that's awful! very badly organized of them. I'd say those are terrible working conditions No leave for a funeral? blimey. Perhaps you were supposed to predict the date??!!

(is he a junior doctor?)

Original poster

pleasemothermay1 · 08/09/2016 14:23

Needle wow just wow

He's sent a tentative email to his boss and he's asked to see the court letter
I send him in with the official one of the other thing they sent with balloons on😬

OP posts:

TrippyMcTrapFace · 08/09/2016 14:25

So they haven't actually denied him leave that day OP? The decision is still being made.

SenecaFalls · 08/09/2016 14:28

I agree with other posters who have suggested emphasizing the court aspect rather than the celebration aspect so definitely the official notice rather than the one with balloons.

I do hope he has success OP. It is really unreasonable in the extreme if they refuse.

babybarrister · 08/09/2016 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 08/09/2016 14:29

Good luck with getting the boss to see sense OP. I suspect he probably will once it's properly explained - it's not something that most people have experience so it wouldn't be surprising (crap but not surprising) if the first person to look at the letter saw "celebration hearing", assumed some form of "hippy crap" and didn't think further.

As a pp said - if boss does still refuse then he should take it higher, or just walk out, but do not pull a sicky because however morally justifiable it is that's a flagrant bit of dishonesty from the employer's POV.

Rainatnight · 08/09/2016 14:31

neddle what happened to you was awful, and completely unacceptable, but that doesn't mean everyone should have to put up with it. Employers shouldn't be in a race to the bottom

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