to feel a colleague is destroying(?) my character

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-NC but a regular - some may recognise the circumstances, if so, please do not out me-

I work in an office upstairs and generally it is me and another colleague. I have had incidents in the past which came to a head not long ago where the other colleague was basically bullying me.

I am not a shy person. I am quite outgoing and friendly.

I feel like my colleague is destroying my character. I say destroying - I am not sure what other word to use but perhaps destroying is an extreme word.

Every time I strike up a conversation, or one is struck with me from another colleague, colleague A always cuts into the conversation and takes over it. It has gotten to the point I feel there's no point in me trying to speak to people, about work or otherwise, because the conversation always gets interupted/taken over.

Example from this morning alone.

Example 1.
My line manager (not colleague A's) is going away next week. I asked where is he going and he said. Its a place in mid wales which is a tiny village. I happen to have visited there many years ago, DH spent a lot of his teen years there in a cycling club and I was talking about where is nice to go walking/visiting. Colleague A then starts talking about another place, how nice it is and how line manager should go there for a day. Line manager points out there where A is talking about is in north wales and is (according to AA route finder) actually 115 miles away.

Colleague B is upstairs. I ask has her son gone back to school yet and the conversation turns to her son's language studies. Colleague A starts talking about languages and the conversation is turned to him, excluding me, and any chance of me finishing what colleague B and I were talking about is gone.

I speak to colleague C about an IT issue I am having. Colleague C comes upstairs to try and assist. Colleague C is telling me which files etc to open and what to look for and colleague A then starts to tell colleague C how great they look and how much weight they have lost. Colleague C says thanks and corries on with what we are doing.

These are examples from being at work for 3.5 hours today.

They may seem petty but I have begun to feel like there's not a lot of point in me engaging in a conversation with anyone about anything because A always takes the overcompensation over.

I feel so fed up with it. And other than not bother having a conversation with anyone to stop A interjecting, I cant see what else I can do.

Practice saying 'going back to what we were talking about earlier .... Have you been to X in Wales?' Or 'going back to what we were saying earlier.... Have you ....'

Keep bringing the conversation back

The latest one sounds just like he's not doing it at you, but wants to be involved in every chat. Still irritating mind you, but hardly an awful crime.

I don't understand how this translates to him being a prick, or a bully, or anything else people have come out with. It sounds like normal work behaviour.

Neither me Richard.

And sorry but that latest example is just totally ordinary behaviour.

YANBU. He sounds bloody rude and self-centred. I don't think it's 'normal conversation' to continually interrupt someone like that

At worst he sounds a bit socially inept...but that's all.

Love it, BemorePanda.

As others have said, you can't diagnose personality disorders from your armchair however interrupting and dominating conversations is a trait that many with NPD share.

My mother is terrible for doing this, she just can't stand not being the voice of authority and/or center of attention and I'm pretty much the only one that calls her on it as my dad won't stick his head about the parapet. It is about dominance and control and it is exceedingly wearing to live with for everybody, his behaviour will not have gone unnoticed by others although he might regulate himself a little more especially round other men (could he have been put upstairs to get him out of the way, do you think? And could you have been put with him because you are nice and wouldn't end up eviscerating him and bringing the company into disrepute?).

The only options in tackling him are to a) call him on it every single time he does it. b) work on yourself internally so that you are not so triggered by his behaviour. If you can get to a place of understanding that his behaviour is a deficiency in his character and in no way any kind of reflection on you and there is no need to dim your light, so to speak, just because he's a boorish gobshite, then you might find that it doesn't bother you in the same way it is now. Or c) carry on as you are and give into his campaign of subduing and silencing you.

It's hard for nice people, especially nice women, to set boundaries and demand that our voices are important even if it is just to chat about the weather but if you don't value your voice enough to stand up for it, then why should Captain BollockBreath?

Forget about him for a bit and review your own conversational technique. Are you a good listener and are you interested in others? Do you ask great questions? Are you good at anecdotes? Are you witty, do you enjoy making people laugh? Do you observe the protocol of good conversation?

Really reflect on those questions and if you come up with the conclusion that you're a pretty great conversationalist then have a word with yourself! If you shut up then the office is left with Mr IhavenothingofanyworthtocontribitebutneedtohearthesoundofmyownvoiceorI'mafraidImayimplodeintoablackholeofnothingness making their ears bleed. How is that kind?! Your workmates need you - speak up women.

The other thing to do is just stare at him agape and then ask, "Are you finished?" And then get back to your conversation.

Is anybody actually doing any work at this place??!!!

Great post BenLinus!

OP I think your instincts are correct on this one and his attempt to undermine you is deliberate.

I definitely sympathise, I've had it happen to me and it does get you down - it's demoralising and humiliating.

OP, I've purposely only read your first post and only that. I think you may perhaps be oversensitised to your colleague A. How long are your conversations with people? I ask because there's a difference in starting a conversation, getting a response or two to other questions and then it meandering out or someone else joining it.

Scenario 1: You'd already said where was nice to go in response to asking colleague where he was going and being told. Why shouldn't someone else join in?

Scenario 2: Your question was asked and answered and it moved on to language studies and your other colleague joined in. Why shouldn't they?

Scenario 3: Interrupting colleague was put in their place and you carried on your conversation with the IT colleague.

It's hard to say who is being unreasonable but, do you like to have very long and involved chats with your colleagues? From what you've posted in your first post, you want to monopolise the conversations and ringfence that person from talking to anybody else during said conversation.

Or maybe you just don't like this colleague? If that's the case then you will be 'hackles raised' when they speak (I have one like that). Walk away and go back later. Or take it up with your colleague if he/she is interfering on a professional matter. If it's just chat though, they're as entitled as you are to speak to colleagues.

OP I think you are getting a slightly hard time on time, because once someone has bullied you, you're automatically over-touchy about anything to do with them.

And tbf, this guy does sound very annoying.

I think you need to take a deep breath and pick your battles. So, people having a chat about their hols, A chips in: this is normal.

People talking about cottages in Wales, A chips in, gets shut down by someone else: that's him being a know-all, but you know, someone else did the job for you. So don't sweat it.

You telling someone information they need to know and he cuts in: then firmly: 'I'm dealing with this.' Half-turn your back so he can't catch your eye.

It's like dealing with a toddler..........Pick your battles.

hesterton - You are right in some regards. I am sensitive and tend to go by the principle to treat others as you wish to be treated. And expect the same in return. Naive some might say. Mug others might say too. And with the history, I may be being sensitive to things that ordinarily wouldn't bother me.

BenLinusatemyhomework Good points about looking at myself. Very constructive. Thank you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Our workplace is very... casual? Some chats can be a quick question and reply. Othertimes they can be much longer.I dont want to monopolise at all. More than happy for anyone to join in but it's the cutting across, and then dominating the conversation to the point I feel it's worthless to contribute any further. Every day. And it's wearing.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Yes. This>> because once someone has bullied you, you're automatically over-touchy about anything to do with them. I take this on board wholly.

In general I can be very uptight and I am one who once burnt, doesn't let go. My Mum always says I should learn to forget things and let them go, but I don't seem to be able to.

Any tips on how to forget it/let go welcome!

Afterall, who cares if he butts in. I guess when he does and is rude, it's only him making a show of himself.

In conversation with normal colleagues, pick up conversations with "...so anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, AGAIN, I was saying..."

Take pleasure in knowing that you irk him, he seems very insecure tbh & relies on attention, any attention, like a naughty child

bluewindowframe, funnily enough the colleague I don't like is a serial interrupter. It really is very rude and obnoxious to do that. He doesn't do it so much now but when he does, I just look at him and say "Kindly stop interrupting me". It's done the trick so far.

You'll need to find something to desensitise yourself to this colleague, I think, and that's quite a hard thing to do. Perhaps think of him as hard up for interesting things to say and people to say them too... hence gegging in on your conversations?

Still find a polite way to tell him - every time - to shut up though.

......and if he says "this conversation concerns me" tell him he can have his say when you have finished speaking. Take control back. When you have finished speaking, smile at the person you were having the conversation with and say to Mr IhavenothingofanyworthtocontribitebutneedtohearthesoundofmyownvoiceorI'mafraidImayimplodeintoablackholeofnothingness - "your turn".

Is he socially unaware? If so could you ask someone to have a gentle word with him? (I'm always terrified people see me like this as I don't know when to speak, and when to join in, when to shut up and whatnot)

Even if you are being over sensitive his behaviour is still making you unhappy and as such should be dealt with somehow.

Ive only skimmed the thread so apologies if ive missed this - are you the only woman?

Upstairs I am the only woman. We are a workplace of around 23 people with 4 of those, including me, being women. The other ladies are around 10 years my senior. I am the youngest member of staff here.