to feel a colleague is destroying(?) my character

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-NC but a regular - some may recognise the circumstances, if so, please do not out me-

I work in an office upstairs and generally it is me and another colleague. I have had incidents in the past which came to a head not long ago where the other colleague was basically bullying me.

I am not a shy person. I am quite outgoing and friendly.

I feel like my colleague is destroying my character. I say destroying - I am not sure what other word to use but perhaps destroying is an extreme word.

Every time I strike up a conversation, or one is struck with me from another colleague, colleague A always cuts into the conversation and takes over it. It has gotten to the point I feel there's no point in me trying to speak to people, about work or otherwise, because the conversation always gets interupted/taken over.

Example from this morning alone.

Example 1.
My line manager (not colleague A's) is going away next week. I asked where is he going and he said. Its a place in mid wales which is a tiny village. I happen to have visited there many years ago, DH spent a lot of his teen years there in a cycling club and I was talking about where is nice to go walking/visiting. Colleague A then starts talking about another place, how nice it is and how line manager should go there for a day. Line manager points out there where A is talking about is in north wales and is (according to AA route finder) actually 115 miles away.

Colleague B is upstairs. I ask has her son gone back to school yet and the conversation turns to her son's language studies. Colleague A starts talking about languages and the conversation is turned to him, excluding me, and any chance of me finishing what colleague B and I were talking about is gone.

I speak to colleague C about an IT issue I am having. Colleague C comes upstairs to try and assist. Colleague C is telling me which files etc to open and what to look for and colleague A then starts to tell colleague C how great they look and how much weight they have lost. Colleague C says thanks and corries on with what we are doing.

These are examples from being at work for 3.5 hours today.

They may seem petty but I have begun to feel like there's not a lot of point in me engaging in a conversation with anyone about anything because A always takes the overcompensation over.

I feel so fed up with it. And other than not bother having a conversation with anyone to stop A interjecting, I cant see what else I can do.

Does he go in for sexual comments like the one about the balls a lot? You could reasonably enter an official complaint about that.

I think it's because of the historic bullying that you now feel undermined at every turn, when it sounds as though it's not personal but just his natural personality. Or should I say, his workplace personality. From what you said about his MIL maybe he asserts himself at work because he's in the opposite position in his personal life?

Try observing without emotion - when he took the colleague's holiday conversation off at a tangent he just made himself look a fool.
When he cut across you with 'this concerns me' you should have held you hand up to stop him right there and countered with 'if you hear me out, your response will be so much more informed' or something like that

If he lectures again about confirming directory details just breezily respond 'aah next one I'll put through to you then' and turn away, or similar. There are loads of witty reposts to his juggling balls, but it depends on just how cruel you'd want to be Start to stock up snappy responses and have a mantra 'I will not be bullied'

You need to be more assertive and to benefit from a little confidence boost. Perhaps easier said than done, but can be worked on and prepared for. Try to rationalize that conversations will ebb, flow and take twists and turns and if you continually shut up and drop it, then you won't be taking part, but it will be your responsibility.

It's annoying but I don't understand what it had to do with your character?

He's still bullying you, in a subtle way. He's trying to dominate ALL the interactions you have with other colleagues.

Everyone needs to knock off criticising the OP for how she articulated this originally. It can be very hard to pin down and articulate what's happening when someone is behaving like this, especially in an environment where you don't expect it to happen, like work.

Surely no one else thought the 'would you like to play with my balls' joke appropriate?

Im becoming a wallflower at work. This isnt me.

The sexual comments - we all have a bit of a laugh with a nudge nudge wink wink - but he does it to draw attention and frankly, after I'd heard it so many times I did say "Please don't say that, it's a disgusting comment - you ought to know better - you're 56, not 6!"

Can you ask to be moved?

No Jelly No room downstairs. And with regards to people not finding the balls jokes funny - i work with mainly men who find anything with a innuendo funny.

He sounds very tedious. Surely everyone is tiring of him? Let nature take its course, and also, I agree with PP who say, try correcting him when he interjects -- not each time, but the odd insertion of "yes well that's fascinating I'm sure but we were talking about xyz" might make an impression on him.

"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted.."

Just now - ask a colleague how his daughter is - long story short she swallowed a coin on holiday and ended up in hospital etc. Talking about it with him.

A then chirps up, across our conversation - "Whats happened to your daughter?" I know I am likely just getting fucked off with everything he says but it's this kind of thing. Like he cant bare for someone to talk about something and him not be in the know. Oh, and of course, he did the same as a child...

Why not just stare him down and snap "Excuse me, but I was speaking."

If he's going to act like a snotty little child who keeps interrupting, "Mummy mummy, me me me, all attention back on ME", treat him like one. Can even use that if you like. "Why do you keep interrupting like a child?" or "Weren't you taught it's rude to interrupt others?"

I wish I were brave enough Kenduskeag He's older than me. Old enough to be my Dad. And whilst he is annoying the fuck out of me, I was taught to respect others.

A polite version then :) "Excuse me, please don't interrupt me"? perhaps.

He might never have been told he's doing it and might back off in shame, or at least think before he acts in future.

Just do it, the next time he interrupts you glare and say "sorry I was STILL speaking " or even better "you keep interrupting me", very loudly. You need to stand up for yourself with this one.

He is undermining you - acting as though your views are worth less than his. He probably feels he needs to keep asserting his own authority and knowledge. It's very frustrating.

However, in my experience other people are usually very aware of that kind of behaviour and will find it tedious. It certainly sounds from your first example as though your line manager has the measure of him! Unfortunately there are just people like that - just keep being the chatty and interesting person you are and people will all soon realise that they would rather listen to your views!

He wants a reaction. The prick.

Call him out on the balls comment. Just say, in a withering tone, your comments aren't appropriate for the workplace, stop making them. If he doesn't, complain about it. It's not professional at all.

Why should you respect him when he doesn't respect you?!

You're work colleagues. He's not your father or someone more senior to you.

I too work with mainly men but men are capable of behaving professionally. Their sex doesn't give them licence to behave like Neanderthals. That said, if you too indulge in inuendos, then it's difficult to take the moral high ground.

This is the technique I use. It's an old teaching trick that is guaranteed to bring a room of rowdy 17 year old boys to a stop. I've used it on single people as well, it just requires a bit of practice.

At the first hint of an interruption, stop dead. Do not finish your sentence, do not finish your word. Stare at the miscreant. Hard. Do this for a second then adopt a blank, slightly bored expression looking slightly over his shoulder. If you can, cross your arms. Wait till he stop talking. He will, eventually, as silence can be quite unnerving. Once he stops yapping, wait a beat or two. Make it feel slightly uncomfortable. If you can, this is the point to raise one eyebrow. Start speaking again exactly at the point you stopped. Do not comment on or acknowledge what he said. Do not react at all. Just carry on as if he had never interrupted you. The second he opens his mouth and starts speaking again stop dead as before. Do the bored expression until he stops, wait a beat then pick up from where you left off. Keep this up until he realises that he will get no joy out of you.

It can take some time to work. I've had entire classes where I barely got through five sentences. However, eventually he will learn not to interrupt as you will not react in any way and it shows his behaviour in sharp relief.

Embrace feminism and start talking to him about it - every time he talks to you get feminism in there somehow.

Start mentioning sexual harassment and inappropriate work conduct when he mentions his fucking balls.

I bet you £100 he will soon be terrified of you - men like this usually are.

that's impressive :)