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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a colleague is destroying(?) my character

103 replies

bluewindowframe · 08/09/2016 12:25

-NC but a regular - some may recognise the circumstances, if so, please do not out me-

I work in an office upstairs and generally it is me and another colleague. I have had incidents in the past which came to a head not long ago where the other colleague was basically bullying me.

I am not a shy person. I am quite outgoing and friendly.

I feel like my colleague is destroying my character. I say destroying - I am not sure what other word to use but perhaps destroying is an extreme word.

Every time I strike up a conversation, or one is struck with me from another colleague, colleague A always cuts into the conversation and takes over it. It has gotten to the point I feel there's no point in me trying to speak to people, about work or otherwise, because the conversation always gets interupted/taken over.

Example from this morning alone.

Example 1.
My line manager (not colleague A's) is going away next week. I asked where is he going and he said. Its a place in mid wales which is a tiny village. I happen to have visited there many years ago, DH spent a lot of his teen years there in a cycling club and I was talking about where is nice to go walking/visiting. Colleague A then starts talking about another place, how nice it is and how line manager should go there for a day. Line manager points out there where A is talking about is in north wales and is (according to AA route finder) actually 115 miles away.

Colleague B is upstairs. I ask has her son gone back to school yet and the conversation turns to her son's language studies. Colleague A starts talking about languages and the conversation is turned to him, excluding me, and any chance of me finishing what colleague B and I were talking about is gone.

I speak to colleague C about an IT issue I am having. Colleague C comes upstairs to try and assist. Colleague C is telling me which files etc to open and what to look for and colleague A then starts to tell colleague C how great they look and how much weight they have lost. Colleague C says thanks and corries on with what we are doing.

These are examples from being at work for 3.5 hours today.

They may seem petty but I have begun to feel like there's not a lot of point in me engaging in a conversation with anyone about anything because A always takes the overcompensation over.

I feel so fed up with it. And other than not bother having a conversation with anyone to stop A interjecting, I cant see what else I can do.

OP posts:
a7mints · 08/09/2016 14:11

I think it is kind of normal in offices.I mean you are having a conversation in their workspace, the others are their co-workers too. I am finding your take on this a little odd.

CabbagesOnFire · 08/09/2016 14:12

Google "narcissistic personality disorder" and "Grey Rock technique."

BeMorePanda · 08/09/2016 14:13

My colleague does this sometimes - I have been known to boldly say "I'm still talking here thanks" and give the glare. I will also say things like "I couldn't be less interested thanks" etc if he is banging on and on about something he is wrong about but I can't be bothered arguing over - some make think me rude, but whatever.

Re the example above - well we all deal with stuff differently! I never confirm details for anyone like that, but you do. Your choice. His way of dealing with it is really not about you.

Perhaps some work on yourself being more assertive in the face of opinionated loud types would help you? He doesn't sound much different from many people I've had to work with over the years so chances are he won't be the last.

Practice eye rolling helps too Hmm

IceRoadDucker · 08/09/2016 14:15

Why does everybody people don't like have to be a narcissist on mumsnet?? Stop armchair diagnosing, people--it's not helpful!

Original poster
bluewindowframe · 08/09/2016 14:16

IceRoadDucker I didnt say that I dont think?

OP posts:
liletsthepink · 08/09/2016 14:17

Can you ask to move to a different office? Is there someone in the downstairs office that would be prepared to swap with you?

ohtheholidays · 08/09/2016 14:18

He sounds very socially unaware from what you've said OP.

With the phone calls do your bosses know that's how he deals with them?
I can't imagine they'd be overly pleased if they did.
With him I'm not sure what to suggest if you've already raised him talking about you behind your back and you've bought it up with him about him talking over you.

Maybe asking him whilst your alone why he does it?Though I know alot of people wouldn't feel comfortable with comfronting someone in that way.

IceRoadDucker · 08/09/2016 14:19

bluewindowframe No - I was referring to Cabbage's advice for you to google NPD. It was very OTT advice.

Amandahugandkisses · 08/09/2016 14:20

He knows he's doing it.
He's bullying you.

paap1975 · 08/09/2016 14:21

You have my sympathy. I have a colleague who is very similar and it has got to the point where I am not sleeping at night and am having panic attacks on my way to work (I am in my forties and have never had one before). Colleague knows everything about everything and has to "prove" this all the time. She delights in reading e-mails intended for me (shared mailbox) even reading the out loud, telling me how to handle them, checking I have handled them, telling me when my phone is ringing (erm, I know), answering questions other colleagues come to ask me, butting into conversations... She drives everyone nuts but I share an office with her so it's far worse for me. I know of one person who quit the job because of her and of another who refused to cover for me while I was on holiday because it involved sharing an office with her for the week. Everyone takes the mickey when she isn't here, saying how relieved I must be, but despite numerous pleas to management, nothing has been done. Everyone is supposed to be more "strict" with her, but it doesn't last. DP thinks I should answer back aggressively, but 1. that is not who I want to be and 2. it would reflect badly on me. She has a reputation so will not be able to move to another post within the organisation, so I am going to have to leave a job I love because of her.

buttonfluff · 08/09/2016 14:22

He can't change your character unless you allow him to.

Sounds tough though, good luck OP.

paap1975 · 08/09/2016 14:23

Colleague is also inappropriately aggressive with other colleagues and people who phone in, to the extent that I sometimes walk out of the office. She also pries on medical matters and loves to tell health horror stories (such as horrible miscarriage, labour and SID stories to colleague who had just announced her pregnancy)

Tanith · 08/09/2016 14:25

I liked Mrs. Thatcher's method of silencing interrupters.
She would hold her hand up and say firmly: "Let me finish, please!" or "I'd like to finish what I was saying."

I once did say something like "Can you hang on a minute, I am talking please" to which he said "Well, actually this does concern me"

"...and you will have ample time to contribute when I have finished what I wanted to say."

TBH, it sounds like your line manager in A and your colleage in C have the measure of him. I'd guess he has a reputation for this.

pasic · 08/09/2016 14:30

Is it just you he does it to?

eggyface · 08/09/2016 14:31

He's bumptious but I'm with him on the marketing calls. The fact you don't care and prioritise your quiet life over principles makes me wonder if you're too much of a pushover.

randomer · 08/09/2016 14:32

mmm.....nobody ( not even him) has the power to make you feel anything. Only you can do that to yourself.

You may have to put a mental barrier up and just go about your day. It is uncomfortable if you are a friendly person and enjoy interaction but it seems you may have to go into work mode and try to enjoy socializing away from the place

eggyface · 08/09/2016 14:34

In a more constructive spirit, thr office-politics.com (i think) advice website has a lot of good general advice about people-handling.

pictish · 08/09/2016 14:34

I'm glad I'm not alone in not understanding how this man is bullying you? he sounds like a talker and a butter-inner and all that but I can't see how any of it has any malicious intent towards you. The way I see it, the problem lies with your anxiety about what he's doing, rather than what he's actually doing.

pictish · 08/09/2016 14:36

Nothing you describe could be described as destroying your character. There's nothing to suggest he's even cast a single aspersion on your character.

BIWI · 08/09/2016 14:36

So you've done it once - you need to do it more often! And find a way that works. You don't have to be rude or aggressive, just assert your right to finish your conversation uninterrupted. Tanith's suggestion is great.

Original poster
bluewindowframe · 08/09/2016 14:37

When I approached my line manager about what was happening with regards to the bullying, he had said if it continued - both the bullying and the way he was treating me - he would move upstairs. This is still in the offing so I am hoping it may subside.

After the initial report to my line manager, he was quite rude to me and I went downstairs, insisting I be moved. My line manager - who had not said a word to colleague about what had been happening - tore a strip off him and we all sat down. I told him exactly what I thought of him, the fact I was signed off for 2 weeks for "exhaustion" which was actually because of stress due to his beaviour and treatment of him.

Ironically, in the past he has breated his MIL for cvutting across conversations and making things all about her.

paap1975 Your colleague sounds like his doppleganger, except everyone likes him. He always wants/needs to be the centre of attention. Always talking or waffling when it's quiet as though h cant stand silence.

He even brought in a set of juggling balls and put them on his desk and kept asking colleagues as they walked past "Do you want to play with my balls"

OP posts:
ForeverLivingMyArse · 08/09/2016 14:41

I hear you loud and clear. Sometimes our experience with people shapes our perception of what others might see as insignificant events.

My manager is a dangerous narcissist bully, a master manipulator and general shit stirrer and for some reason, totally untouchable. I've been to the brink of madness trying to understand her behavior, fathom out why she seems to hate me so much. It's not worth it.

Original poster
bluewindowframe · 08/09/2016 14:41

eggyface I could be. I just like to come to work, do my job and go home. I dont like conflict unless it's needed.

pictish I'm not saying what he is doing now is bullying - what he did before was.

I just feel he is chipping away at me and the way I behave. I dont like conflict and lately have been feeling quite fed up of how he behaves with me.

He only seems to do it when I am having a conversation with someone - I dont tend to see it happen with others. That said, it is just me and him up here so I would only see it really if I were involved in the conversation.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 08/09/2016 14:53

My own DH has been known to do this sort of thing with me, though without the nasty backstory your guy has,mit used to really wind me up though, but he,s better trained these days Grin

I found loudly proclaiming "did you mean to cut me up again or do you just love the sound of your own voice" with a firm glare, raised eyebrow, cocked head & a quizzical expression, soon shut him up - perhaps you could try that ?

SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 14:54

Could you speak to your colleagues in a lower voice level, so he can't hear you very well.

I had a colleague like this but she did it to everyone. Some people feel the need to 'get in' on everything around them.

We often used to save topics for when she popped to the loo.