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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To comfort rather than scold?

99 replies

metimeisforwimps · 06/09/2016 22:27

DS (5.5) had the tantrum of the century earlier, kicking, biting, screaming. He rarely has tantrums. He was wearing his school shoes at the time (attempting to go to work with his Dad!), and has bruised my legs.
He has just started a new school, which is a lot bigger than his old school, and he loves it but I think it's a big adjustment.
Although his behaviour was unacceptable my instinct was that he needed comfort more than anything else, he was in such a state. So I gave him something to eat and a cuddle and laid with him in bed until he went to sleep (also put some lavender in the diffuser).
Would you have done the same, or have I just let him get away with behaving dreadfull? I don't have much experience with tantrums as have been lucky so far in not having many.

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 07/09/2016 12:05

I didn't call you a shit parent. You'll get over the embarrassment after you've stood in the supermarket refusing to buy x 10 times while your toddler lies on the floor howling.

MrsJayy · 07/09/2016 12:10

Nobody called you a shit parent personally I said she is 2 and to remember that. being embaressed by a tantrum is something you have to deal

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/09/2016 13:01

Mrsfrumble completely agree. A 2yo tantrum is much more 'primitive' whereas a 5 year old, who has developed empathy, has very complex emotions about lots of things we don't always appreciate. The former I'd put in a safe place and ignore until they got it out of their system. The latter needs a different approach.

Example: ds dragged his heels, was generally uncooperative and uncompromising one school morning a couple of months ago. Dh lost his patience as was in a hurry and shouted. Ds dissolved into crying, screaming and shouting, a reaction of epic proportions - but the thing that was most apparent to us was that he was feeling vulnerable. Dh apologised immediately for shouting. We held him until he calmed down and calmly encouraged him to tell us how he was feeling. It transpired he was worried about school because he hadn't understood the maths lesson the previous day, which left him feeling confused as all the other children had understood. We reassured him that nothing is so broken it can't be fixed and his feelings were normal. We spoke to his teacher, they took action, he was immediately happy again and the problem was resolved. No more problems.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/09/2016 13:11

Metime - I think you did the right thing for your child at the time. However, I do not think it would be unreasonable to have a quiet, calm chat with him today about what happened.

I think he needs to know that he hurt you, and that that isn't OK, even when he is really distressed - and then maybe you can talk about other ways he can deal with it, if he is getting that upset.

toptoe · 07/09/2016 13:15

I would have done what you did. You might want to gently ask him what made him feel so frustrated - why did he think he could go with dad to work in the evening? Go from there and find out what it was that he misunderstood.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/09/2016 13:24

I think you did the right thing. You were calm and loving and gave him the chance to wind down and not get riled up further. I've noticed with my own son that if I respond in kindness it works much better than if I am harsh back at him...have had to learn this the hard way. It depends on the situation, sometimes it is appropriate to be very firm and a bit harsh, but I think you did right in the circumstances. He was over tired and wanted to be with his daddy. He's only 5 1/2.

I love my mother and she's the best mom but when I was a child trying to get her attention in a tense situation in the family and she slapped my face. She had never done anything like that before or since, she was under great strain at the time. Unfortunately, children will remember those harsh times they are hard to forget even when they want to.

Be firm but kind.

Pettywoman · 07/09/2016 13:44

My 4 yr old had an uncharacteristically massive tantrum a few days into term. I know when he's tantrumming because he's overwhelmed, tired and hungry and when he's just trying it on because he's really half arsed with fake ones. The former get a quiet cuddle and some juice, the latter get short shrift.

You did the right thing.

RiverTam · 07/09/2016 13:53

A bit of kindness and empathy never go amiss. Yes, he bruised you and that needs to be pointed out (shoes off as soon as he gets in?!) but the OP knows if that was deliberate or not.

Most DC I know are in a bit of a pickle, one way or another, about starting back at school. Surely this is one of those times when we need to be there for them?

Topseyt · 07/09/2016 14:17

I am with umbongo. I either dealt with tantrums that way or by totally ignoring them. They were very few and far between amongst my three.

Mine are all perfectly well rounded teenagers and young adults who are clearly undamaged by what some would term my dubious parenting.

IsItMeOr · 07/09/2016 14:53

Pettywoman DS has done some of those half-arsed fake ones too - very easy to spot

Mrsfrumble · 07/09/2016 14:53

Is it really so hard to understand that all children are different? Some are naturally able to regulate their emotions from an early age. Some take much longer. Just like adults; some are laid-back and self-contained, and some are hot-headed and emotional. Just fancy that! And it's not really down to parenting; I'm blessed with one of each.

It's up to parents to judge whether a tantrum is an episode of boundary-testing or a genuine cry for help to deal with overwhelming emotions, and deal with it appropriately. OP, it sounds like you did right by your son.

IsItMeOr · 07/09/2016 14:55

[Wish I could "like" Mrsfrumble's posts]

I have seen so many adults - myself included - who struggle/fail to behave to the standards I try to hold my DS to. It can be hard, and DS deserves our help and support to develop those self-management skills.

Arseicle · 07/09/2016 14:57

You can do both. But I wouldn't let a child that age kick me hard enough to leave bruises and get away with it.

Original poster

metimeisforwimps · 07/09/2016 15:53

So well said MrsFrumble!

OP posts:

Original poster

metimeisforwimps · 07/09/2016 15:55

Spoke to DH this morning who agreed that punishing him would have been counter productive.

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/09/2016 16:07

Are you going to talk to him about the kicking, though? I honestly think that you need to say something - he hurt you, and he does need to learn that, even when he is very, very upset, it isn't OK to hurt people.

I am not saying punish him for it - but I would have a calm talk and tell him that he has hurt you, and that you and he need to find other ways for him to deal with being that upset.

If he had hurt another child whilst in the throes of the tantrum, you would. E talking to him about it, and would be expecting him to apologise, wouldn't you? So why would you deserve less?

bumsexatthebingo · 07/09/2016 17:23

I think comforting and maintaining boundaries is the best course of action. I see no harm in saying 'I can't hold you while you're kicking and biting' and offering verbal reassurance from a distance while protecting yourself. He was struggling to deal with big emotions and it is good to be understanding but also to teach acceptable/unacceptable ways to express themselves. Punishment I agree would be wrong but you don't get any martyr points for letting a child kick and bite you to the point of injury. If he is led to believe that's ok then you can't really complain if he expresses himself that way with teachers etc. And this is a 5 yo we are talking about not a toddler who doesn't really understand.

PortiaCastis · 07/09/2016 17:57

Sorry but no child should kick and leave bruises. Room straight away and stay there until tantum subsides!
Tell him kicking hurts then ask him why he kicked. If he kicks another child they'll kick him back so you need to tell him to stop it.
Ok he was upset but you are bruised he may end up bruised if he lashes out at another child.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 07/09/2016 17:58

I wasn't going to post on here, but I thought I'd share my experience anyway. I agree with the OP that 'making allowances' is sometimes necessary, but where bruising occurs, I think you need to be tougher.

I looked after a friend's thirteen year old son when his older brother died very suddenly. This boy was very physical with me during his stay - attempting play-fights etc. I actually felt slightly uncomfortable around him.

At one point, he punched me in the arm in a 'playful' manner. Three weeks later, I still have the bruise. I told him off, but in hindsight, was not as stern as I should have been. I made 'allowances' because of what had happened to his brother, but in black and white, it was a teenage boy hitting a woman.

StarryIllusion · 07/09/2016 18:26

Was it actually a tantrum as such? If so then I wouldn't have had it and he'd be straight to bed with a smacked bum and no dessert. Or was it more of an overwhelmed, hysterical losing of one's shit? In which case I think you were right to comfort him because let's face it, we've all done it.

bumsexatthebingo · 07/09/2016 18:34

A think a smacked bum might cloud the message that hurting is wrong a little?

VanillaSugar · 07/09/2016 18:38

My SIL is a yoga teacher and deals with tantrums by getting her pre-schooler to meditate and do the downward dog. The child has a unique personality.

debbs77 · 07/09/2016 19:32

Yes I'd have done the same. Sometimes I just scoop my daughter up and hold her tight. It calms her x

Original poster

metimeisforwimps · 08/09/2016 15:47

RE the kicking to the point of bruising, yes definitely not great, but for context he is extremely passive in general and will not hit or kick another child even in retaliation. He told us yesterday that a boy has been hitting him, which we have now had a word with the teacher about. I asked him how that made him feel, and he said 'sad', so I said that was how I felt when you kicked me. I think that was enough said, as I didn't want to focus on what happened to much, it seems to have been a one off.
I've never had a thread that's reached 100 posts before!
I like the idea of a yogic child!

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