To comfort rather than scold?

[metimeisforwimps]

DS (5.5) had the tantrum of the century earlier, kicking, biting, screaming. He rarely has tantrums. He was wearing his school shoes at the time (attempting to go to work with his Dad!), and has bruised my legs.
He has just started a new school, which is a lot bigger than his old school, and he loves it but I think it's a big adjustment.
Although his behaviour was unacceptable my instinct was that he needed comfort more than anything else, he was in such a state. So I gave him something to eat and a cuddle and laid with him in bed until he went to sleep (also put some lavender in the diffuser).
Would you have done the same, or have I just let him get away with behaving dreadfull? I don't have much experience with tantrums as have been lucky so far in not having many.

My DC think I'm pretty strict compared to their friends' parents. I still remember one epic tantrum DD had when she was about 3. DH came into the room because she was at a pitch that he could hear in the garden. I don't know what he expected to find, but it wasn't me rocking her on the floor trying to move my ear drums away from her mouth and humming gently. It was only ever that once (although she has her fair share of defiance, disobedience etc that still gets dealt with firmly) and it was definitely different from a discipline situation. I can't even remember what set her off now but I remember being sure she wasn't being stroppy, it was just like an emotional volcano.

For Umbongo - you know what your child understands, I had consequences for mine at that age. But FWIW we never sent them to bed as a punishment - I wanted bed to be associated with positive refreshment - rest, peace and recovery. They still ask to go to bed early sometimes when they've been feeling a bit ragged.

You dealt with your son's behaviour last night in a way you consider appropriate. I hope you and your husband will give him a stern talking to this morning, showing him the bruises on your legs and making it clear that biting and kicking will never be tolerated, whatever the circumstances.
Otherwise, you have given him the impression that the tantrum wasn't his fault and he is not responsible for the consequences.

Absolutely, your child is having big scary feeling that they can't articulate.
I was raised in a family where all emotions were like a dirty secret and should be hidden and I feel like punishing a child for a tantrum is like telling them off for feeling things.
I would say in these circumstances you did the right thing.
I think we all have to learn to read a child and to know the difference between a put on tantrum to get a desired result and an emotional melt down where a child has temporarily lost control.
To those people who say they are "not having it"
And always punish tantrums, being sympathetic to the strong feelings a child is experiencing is NOT the same as giving in the tantrums.

I feel like people are talking about 2 different types of behaviour here. A child who decides to throw themselves on the floor screaming as they can't have pudding is one thing, a child who is screaming and kicking because they are in genuine emotional distress in another. In the cold light of day I'm glad I took the approach I did.

We always do comfort and then discussion when calm. It has always worked when tackling tantrums better than other ways for my dd. Leaving her causes the tantrum to escalate here and sending her to her room to bed made her not want to be in her room at bedtimes as it was associated with being naughty.

DD has 'tired tantrums' esp when she she is in school - usually once a week at the same time.
Frankly she's a bit bonkers and will cry about the most ridiculous things (reminds me of her being a toddler to be honest).
To me she has no control over it, we have the big tantrum, have a big cuddle and then she's fine.
We don't get them in the summer holidays so much, I suspect it's a combination of tiredness and being overwhelmed.
Punishing her would gain nothing....

I don' t punish tantrums.

Dd is now 12. If she had one I probably would

Ds is five and I can remember the last time he did it.

My kids tantrums were usually because they couldn't cope with what they we were feeling. I usually calmly told them I would leave them alone until they calmed down. They we would talk about it and have a cuddle.

I did exactly what you did yesterday. It's a one off.

It's unproductive to punish a child in the throes of a tantrum anyway. It's all very well people telling you it's out of order at his age, but they don't know your child or the state of mind he was in. Behaviour is worse when they're tired and school is tiring for them when they first go back - particularly so if it's a new school! If I see ds getting that wound up I usually back off completely (physical contact with him when he's getting into a rage often exacerbates it) and calmly ask him to take 5 minutes to calm down in his bedroom - not as punishment but for some quiet time. I tell him I love him and that when he feels calmer we'll talk. When he's calm I ask him to talk about how he felt/ feels and calmly explain to him that feeling that way was understandable but his behaviour was unacceptable. I then explain what the consequences will be (usually no treats for the rest of the day), cuddle him and tell him I love him and let's go and do something nice together. Seems to work.

I think there needs to be a different word other than "tantrum". There's the screeching and lashing out when told "no" that toddlers do, which is about testing boundaries and needs to be pointedly ignored or some stern words, depending on your level of patience.

Then there's the "totally overwhelmed and unable to cope with circumstances and emotions" which I believe needs a little more understanding (not rewarding). I know parents of children with ASD don't like the appropriation of "meltdown" but I can understand why people use it when they're trying to describe something beyond an infantile fit of temper that isn't anything to do with naughtiness.

I think usually your instincts regarding your children are right. I don't have much experience as my baby is only 5 weeks old but the single best bit of advice I've received is to follow my instincts.

I think there's a world of difference between a tantrum because they can't get what they want and a tantrum because they can't cope. You have to treat each situation as best you can, but in a fit of I-can't-get-what-I-want rage I'd be walking away and ignoring. In a fit of I-can't-cope I'd handle them delicately because that's so different. As Mrsfrumble says, meltdown is more accurate in describing not coping with a situation.

The only thing I would do differently is talk about the bruises. Not in an accusatory way, but to help him see that his actions have consequences that aren't nice, not just for him but for you too. He is entitled to have rough days - everyone does - but never to injure another person during a rough day. That's a lesson a 5.5 year old could be expected to learn from, certainly.

Have had similar, was given the wise advice of be kind and understanding and comforting but there must always be consequences......even if the consequences are really minor.

Yanbu. People can be so dismissive of children's feelings.

Ok if you said you went and bought him a new toy because he was tantruming then I'd say that would be wrong, but it sounds as though he's adjusting to the new school environment.

I don't believe you can spoil a child with love and by you being calm you're helping him learn to regulate his emotions.

I actually think by you kicking off over this you'd only be reacting to it.

I would have done the same, absolutely. Tantrums on the whole ate merely a response to an overwhelming emotion, not an act of aggression or conflict.

The only thing is possibly do is have a quiet talk with him about everything.

Perhaps slog the lines of its find to get upset but not lashing out and hurting people etc.

Mrsfrumble I know parents of children with ASD don't like the appropriation of "meltdown"

Not this parent of a child with ASD. How I think about it is that DS is having a typical response to a frustration, anxiety or other overwhelming feeling. The thing is that his ASD means that he is much more likely to have this response triggered, and much less able at disentangling, understanding and appropriately expressing his own emotions.

But we all have different ways of making sense of our parenting experience .

My 5 year old still tantrums occasionally. For him, he's a perfectionist who gets overwhelmed. It's taken him a while to become articulate, so the toddler tantrum phase was rather prolonged. He is much more susceptible when he's tired or hungry and is beginning to understand this more.

He's got a high need for personal space and needs the chance to quietly burn it out. Comforting at the time makes it worse as it adds to the over stimulation. For him, comfort and talking is most effective afterwards. He only had one tantrum in his nursery days. Starting school caused a spike in them, but only at home.

Each child is different and the response needs to be the right one for your child and the causes of the tantrum. It sounds like your response is perfectly appropriate. I would follow up by showing the consequences that the tantrum had on you.

I think a tantrum due to not getting what they want and a tantrum due to overwhelming emotions can be the same thing at age 5 tbh. One situation tends to trigger another. My ds can be reasoned with on 95% of occasions when he wants something he can't have. Sure he'll whinge and whine but he usually doesn't kick off and accepts the decision. Unless he's tired, has had a bad day, has struggled with his reading or maths, has fallen out with friends or whatever. They can't articulate to you what's making them feel they can't cope - and more often than not couldn't put their finger on it themselves. All they know is they feel shitty, and now someone is telling them there's yet another thing they can't do or have and that they have no control over. It's unhelpful to distinguish between tantrums/ meltdowns or whatever - they're always an emotional response to external stimuli and when they happen it's because your child cannot cope. Just like when we as adults and have an off day and dissolve into tears when something fairly innocuous on the face of it triggers us. Do we expect people to be understanding and help and advise us or chastise and punish us?

I'm having a good laugh at the poster who has dealt with ONE tantrum from a two-year old thinking she has any clue how to deal with an emotionally overwhelmed 5 year-old.

I don't think I explains myself very well. When my DCs were 2 or so, we'd have incidents that went along the lines of?.. Toddler: "I want a biscuit!" Me: "No, you can't have a biscuit because your supper will be ready in 2 minutes" Toddler: screams, kicks my shin and rolls around on the floor shouting, all the while watching me to see how I respond. This kind of "tantrum" should be (IMO) ignored or dealt with firmly so that they learn it won't get them what they want.

By the time they're 5 or older, the trigger may be something innocuous but there will almost always be underlying circumstances which lead to a total loss of control on the child's part. We're dealing with a lot at the moment, having just moved back to the UK after living abroad for 3 years. To DH and I, we're simply returning to our old lives, but for 5 YO DS (who was only 2 when we left), everything that was familiar to him has disappeared so suddenly. So if he's screaming because he doesn't want to leave the park, it's really about much more than the park and we're faced with trying to balance enforcing boundaries, and remaining compassionate and providing comfort and security.

solo I'm having a good laugh at you too. Clearly you can't fucking read as where have I said that I would do that with a 5 year old? I said what I did with my 2 year old. Dear of you for trying though. Have a

He kicked you while wearing a pair of hard school shoes and bruised your legs and he got soothed and cuddled?

Ok.

Gosh, then it's odd to post a totally irrelevant story on a post asking about how to deal with a 5 year-old's tantrum.

I thought was going to be a thread about tantrums? Hardly a strange conclusion to make. I wanted to vent about my first tantrum because she embarrassed me but instead u get called a shit parent who's child will grow up closed off. Whatever.