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AIBU?

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Original poster

To comfort rather than scold?

99 replies

metimeisforwimps · 06/09/2016 22:27

DS (5.5) had the tantrum of the century earlier, kicking, biting, screaming. He rarely has tantrums. He was wearing his school shoes at the time (attempting to go to work with his Dad!), and has bruised my legs.
He has just started a new school, which is a lot bigger than his old school, and he loves it but I think it's a big adjustment.
Although his behaviour was unacceptable my instinct was that he needed comfort more than anything else, he was in such a state. So I gave him something to eat and a cuddle and laid with him in bed until he went to sleep (also put some lavender in the diffuser).
Would you have done the same, or have I just let him get away with behaving dreadfull? I don't have much experience with tantrums as have been lucky so far in not having many.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 06/09/2016 23:18

I think you did very well and you know your child best. If this is generally out of character and clearly down to big changes then not getting cross and shouting was probably the way to handle it.
I must admit, I'm not sure I could be so calm! The kicking so hard it bruised would have pushed it with me.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 06/09/2016 23:23

You know when you lose the plot over something and instead of telling you you're being a monumental arse your DH just hugs you?! You did that. You know, DH knows, DS knows that his behaviour wasn't acceptable, but we all know that sometimes life just overwhelms us. It's out of character for him, so no rods being made.

Don't say anything tomorrow, there's no need.

If it's all a bit much for him, there's no harm in a couple of half days or a duvet day - he won't lose a place at Oxford 😊

I hope your shins aren't too sore 😔

PerspicaciaTick · 06/09/2016 23:24

He was exhausted, it was very late at night, you allowed the situation to diffuse as quickly and calmly as possible. I think you handled it brilliantly. You can ask him in the morning what it was all about and show him your bruises, but I doubt he really understands why he did what he did.

MrsJayy · 06/09/2016 23:32

Your son was upset probably overtired from school and having a shitty day from what you say it is out of character you probably got him settled down quicker than if you had told him off . Just watch out for a repeat performance

IsItMeOr · 06/09/2016 23:33

I would do what you did (or, at least, I would aspire to!).

A change of school to a 5 year old is a very big thing. It sounds like it all just was a bit much for him to cope with today. I am not sure I would even talk to him about it tomorrow. Perhaps wait and see whether it happens again? Like Perspica, I would doubt whether he really understands why he was doing it.

Hope he settles into the new school well.

Original poster
metimeisforwimps · 06/09/2016 23:35

Thanks for all the replies, both the reassuring ones and constructive advice. I think i'll assume for now that this is a one off and not mention it tomorrow, but will reassess if it happens again.
The kicking was probably not that bad but his new school shoes are very hard!

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 06/09/2016 23:39

Being hurt in the shin bloody hurts id imagine sturdy school shoes would have been really painful

Imnotaslimjim · 06/09/2016 23:47

YANBU at all. My DD had some pretty extreme tantrums and like you, I felt close to slapping her sometimes in the hope of refocusing her (I never did) I did find that holding her close, keeping my voice calm and telling her that she was safe and I would keep her safe until she had control again went a long way to helping her calm down.

JudyCoolibar · 06/09/2016 23:49

My 2 year old had her first tantrum today. I just sent her straight to bed. Not having it.

Completely inappropriate to punish a 2 year old for a tantrum. As pointed out upthread, it's not naughtiness, it's a matter of being totally overwhelmed by her emotions and unable to handle them. You've just taught her that when she's utterly confused and miserable, you withdraw from her.

UmbongoUnchained · 06/09/2016 23:53

She was having a tantrum because I told her off for being naughty. I'm not going to cuddle her and tell her everything's ok when she been naughty Hmm

Bogeyface · 07/09/2016 00:07

I find that in situations that the OP describes, love and hugs is the best way to deal with it. Sometimes tantrums come from having emotions they dont know how to deal with.

A tantrum that comes off the back of bad behaviour is a different thingand needs different treatment, but I think that the OP did the right thing in this instance.

Bogeyface · 07/09/2016 00:10

You dont have to tell her that everything is ok! But FFS all she has learned from that is that when she is angry and overwhelmed and cant cope with it, you will not give one shred of comfort. I hope you are happy with your treatment of her because you are going to be getting a lot more tantrums. Children who feel secure dont kick off anywhere near as much as those that feel unsupported.

A hug until she calmed down and then a firm talk about why she was told off and that if she doesnt want to be told off again then she shouldnt do whatever it was again would have been far more productive.

MrsJayy · 07/09/2016 00:11

I agree with you Bogey you usually can tell whats what with tantrums

UmbongoUnchained · 07/09/2016 00:13

Yeah.......... Ok

LucyBabs · 07/09/2016 00:24

umbungo I too don't and won't tolerate tantrums. I didn't when my dc were 2 and now they are 7 and 4 I certainly won't.
I don't believe hugging a child who isn't getting their own way (because in my experience today my four year old ds "was bored") is going to teach a child how to manage their emotions or how to communicate. Yes dc need comfort when they have hurt themselves r feel overwhelmed.
How do you teach a child that screaming crying and stamping isn't the way? By hugging them? Confused
Each night before my dc go to sleep I tell them tomorrow is a new day and the day before is forgotten

KeyserSophie · 07/09/2016 00:25

You don't get anywhere by trying to reason when they're like that so yes, I would have done similar and I'm pretty strict. The key thing at the time was deescalation, which is what you did. I'd still talk to him the next day and tell him that he hurt me and that kicking is never acceptable etc.

UmbongoUnchained · 07/09/2016 00:30

Yeah I don't really see the logic. So my child is naughty, back chats me and kicks me, I tell her off and she tantrums so I give her a hug? Uh no. She's kicking off because she knows she's in the wrong. 3 warnings and she goes to bed.

Bogeyface · 07/09/2016 00:30

Well be as sceptical as you like, but I have manage to raise 6 children with minimum tantrums with the firm love method (my name for it, not an official thing, just following my instincts). They all know that bad behaviour will not be tolerated, at all. But that if they are feeling lost or frightened and it is coming out as a tantrum then they will get love and comfort and then whatever caused it will be dealt with, including with firm discipline if needed.

RonaldMcDonald · 07/09/2016 00:43

I'm a hugger and a talker
I think most acting out has to do with fear and therefore I allow them to know that there is a safe island among their big emotions
Sometimes by the time something has tripped over into anger or even rage the only answer is calm loving and soothing with the hope of untangling it either much later or the next day
I want them to know that anger is normal and learn how to see it for what it masks sometimes but to always try to express it accurately and appropriately
I think being cold or punitive in the situation would have been a very wrong move

MrsJayy · 07/09/2016 00:46

Umbongo she is 2 by all means discipline her but remember she is 2 she has no real understanding of consequence they just dont get it

MrsJayy · 07/09/2016 00:51

Tantruming is frustration and not understanding not being able to communicate feelings it is notbeing naughty, fwiwI was no meanssoft with mine i was quite firm but children imo and experience do not behave better being sent away

UmbongoUnchained · 07/09/2016 00:58

It's my job to teach her consequence. She kicks me in the stomach because I tell her no, then she can go and vent it out in her room. With all her toys and books. Hardly a horrific punishment. She was asleep in bed after 5 minutes.

ImNotTheLadies · 07/09/2016 01:05

Would have comforted, probably in more of an overt way - lavender diffuser is more of a neutral gesture to a 5 year old.

He's overwhelmed (school, emotion) and needs a parent to help gravitate. You can talk about the inappropriate behaviour and him hurting you now he's calm. Hold him to a higher standard and expect an apology.

ImNotTheLadies · 07/09/2016 01:06
  • sorry just read the bit about the cuddle. Still needs a chat.
Tiggeryoubastard · 07/09/2016 01:16

This is Mumsnet. You will get people telling you that anything is ok. That's awful behaviour for his age. Actually would be for a lot younger. Bruised you? Really? And you just let him? I think you need a grip.
Then Cuddle/hold till it's over, no more fussing him then sanctions, or, depending on how he is, sanctions then a cuddle but a mini lecture.