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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dds first day of school AIBU?

53 replies

bigsuze87 · 06/09/2016 18:53

I work full time and I feel like a crappy parent at the best of times and my dp is a bit on the controlling side but not in an abusive way just in the way where I am not allowed to do anything in the house or with the kids without feeling I have to ask permission. Anyway...it's my eldest daughter's first day of school tomorrow and I haven'the had input in anything. He got the uniform and shoestrogen etc without me and I come home from work today and he's cut her hair and my son's hair too. Apparently I ABU because it's him thats going to be doing school runs et while I am at work. This is my first born going to school for the first time and I have the day off from work and I just feel pushed out and pointless

OP posts:

alafolie29 · 06/09/2016 18:57

If he knows you wanted to be involved in those things and he went and did them without he's an arse. However I can well imagine a SAHM buying their child's uniform and getting their hair cut without the dad having any involvement. The difference is that I imagine 99% of those fathers have little interest in uniforms and hair cuts.

2cats2many · 06/09/2016 18:58

Sorry, but your husband does sound controlling in an abusive way.

It's awful to feel like your have to get permission for everything. What would happen if you went against his wishes?

DoreenLethal · 06/09/2016 19:00

What 2 cats said.

YelloDraw · 06/09/2016 19:01

^ this

ohtheholidays · 06/09/2016 19:01

Sorry OP but I agree with 2cats that is an abusive relationship.

You said it's your eldests,are they not your DP's children?If not then honestly I'd say that makes it that much stranger that he's pushing you out!and I say that as someone who has 5DC and my DH is not all our DC's biological Father but he's very much Dad to all of them.

inthenickoftime · 06/09/2016 19:02

If a man had asked the same question I'm sure you wouldn't be accused of being abusive. As the SAHP I wouldn't think twice about getting the things needed for DS's school.

Did you ask if you could go along? Did you know he was going shopping or to the hairdressers?

CathFromCooberPedy · 06/09/2016 19:05

Did you say you wanted to go shoe/uniform shopping? Otherwise I'd do it without dh. It's lovely you've taken the day off, it shouldnt matter that she's had her hair cut though

NapQueen · 06/09/2016 19:06

Gosh I bought dd's uniform and cut her dairy. Dh took ds out to get his hair cut the other day.

Neither of us consulted the other.

DoreenLethal · 06/09/2016 19:07

If a man had asked the same question I'm sure you wouldn't be accused of being abusive.

If a man posted and said they were not allowed to do anything without asking permission then yes of course he would be told it is an abusive relationship.

inthenickoftime · 06/09/2016 19:12

OP didn't say she NEEDED to ask for permission to do anything, she said she FELT like she had to. There's a difference. I think peopleon here are too quick to shout abuse.

DS's dad may well have said similar. In no way did I tell him he needed my permission to do anything, but that's how he felt. Even now we have split he still asks if he can cut DS's hair, whereas I would just take him and send a photo afterwards for him to see.

If OP never mentioned that she wanted to do these things with her DP then is he supposed to be a mind reader?

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 06/09/2016 19:14

He cut her hair himself. It looks nice but I just feel like I am not part of this family anymore. I am not the best parent I will admit that I am a crappy parent. Both kids are my husbands. Truth is I know he's a control freak but I don'the know what to do about it. I can't leave him because of the kids and he's not like rob Titchner but he does make depressed some times with the things he does and says

OP posts:

Nonameyet1 · 06/09/2016 19:14

It sounds a different relationship to what have, he does sound far too controlling for my liking, however I think you need to sit down and tell him how you feel and maybe talk about how you would like to feel a bit more involved. Must be tough working full time, I'm sure your eldest will appreciate you taking the time off to be there.

redskytonight · 06/09/2016 19:16

As others have said did DP realise you thought uniform/shoe buying was a big thing? I find them both a tedious chore and would be delighted if my DH took it upon himself to sort out both without consulting me!

inthenickoftime · 06/09/2016 19:17

After your last post OP I can see the dynamics are a lot more complicated than I first thought. On the face of it, it sounds like he's doing what any other SAHP would do. Just get on with things and do what needs to be done.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? I'm sure your DD will be very happy to have you there on her first day. Don't let this ruin things or put a dampener on them. Go tomorrow and hold back the tears and try not to think about how quick she's growing up.

HoppityFrogs · 06/09/2016 19:18

What 2cats said. He's abusive.

Ginslinger · 06/09/2016 19:19

I'm concerned that you feel like a crappy parent - can you tell us a bit more about that. Has someone told you this?

buttercup54321 · 06/09/2016 19:20

Why are you a crappy parent? Maybe DH thinks you aren't interested so just gets on with it?

PovertyPain · 06/09/2016 19:22

Is he telling you you're a crap parent?

SquinkiesRule · 06/09/2016 19:23

Is he the at home parent Bigsuze? If not then he is being a controlling arse as you will have had as much time as him to do these things.
He does sound abusive.

OlennasWimple · 06/09/2016 19:24

You having to ask permission to do things makes him an abusive arse.

Him getting the school shoes and hair cut doesn't (in and of itself)

Sara107 · 06/09/2016 19:29

Why are you so convinced you are a crappy parent? Most parents aren't that perfect really! Is it dh who tells you you are crappy? Clearly if you have taken time off work for the first day he must have known this meant a lot to you. He sounds selfish and doesn't have the right to hog the 'first day' even if he will be doing most of the school runs. Don't let him push you out, that is both odd and worrying.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 06/09/2016 19:29

I did mention to him that I wanted to help buy all her uniform etc but as usual he's disregarded any feelings I have. He does this a lot. I have done a few things that make me feel like a shitty parent

OP posts:

inthenickoftime · 06/09/2016 19:30

What kind of things have you done that make you believe you're a bad parent? You obviously care about your DC, so you can't be that bad a parent.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 06/09/2016 19:30

if he is the stay at home parent then I can't see why he would consult you about buying shoes and uniform etc. Perhaps I would mention to my husband I have the children booked for a haircut or text him to say we have decided to or things are on the calendar and he can read it himself but I wouldn't generally consult him. I am the one doing it as I am the one at home.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 06/09/2016 19:32

OP is he a SAHD?

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