Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Dds first day of school AIBU?

53 replies

bigsuze87 · 06/09/2016 18:53

I work full time and I feel like a crappy parent at the best of times and my dp is a bit on the controlling side but not in an abusive way just in the way where I am not allowed to do anything in the house or with the kids without feeling I have to ask permission. Anyway...it's my eldest daughter's first day of school tomorrow and I haven'the had input in anything. He got the uniform and shoestrogen etc without me and I come home from work today and he's cut her hair and my son's hair too. Apparently I ABU because it's him thats going to be doing school runs et while I am at work. This is my first born going to school for the first time and I have the day off from work and I just feel pushed out and pointless

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 06/09/2016 19:33

Are you happy to work full time while he stays home? Did ye come to that decision together or is he refusing to work?
When l was a sahp l did all that and my dh didn't know. He just paid and left it all to me. But having no say is worrying.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/09/2016 19:39

I don't think he sounds abusive. Just getting on with his 'job' as a SAHP (if I've understood that correctly). I never feel the need to consult DH when I'm getting uniform/shoes/haircuts etc for the DC. I think the difference may be that you wanted to do it to whereas DH couldn't give a rats arse as he's too busy working to work about (what we see as) minor details

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/09/2016 19:45

Have you posted about him before (something is ringing a bell). He sounds quite horrible, from what's said here.

ayeokthen · 06/09/2016 19:48

I'm not sure what to make of this one. The fact you need to ask permission for things isn't right, that's awful. But the school shopping/haircuts is what I do while DP is at work. I don't think it makes him feel pushed out (I'm going to ask him, because it really wasn't my intention) but it all sounds a bit like neither of you communicate.

t4nut · 06/09/2016 19:49

Hang on. She's been at work and come home to find he's looked after his kids, got all their stuff ready for school and got them cleaned and hair cut ready for school. In short he's done his job as a father as sahp?

And he's being criticised?

MushuDragon · 06/09/2016 19:53

He sounds controlling in an abusive way.

Sorry

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 19:56

t4nut, please read the op and her subsequent posts. He is controlling, op has to ask permission every time it's anything to do with the kids. He makes her feel like a crap parent.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2016 19:57

He is making her feel useless and pointless by the way he acts with op.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/09/2016 19:58

OP said she feels she has to ask permission. That's totally different from actually having to ask permission. We don't know.

BackforGood · 06/09/2016 20:02

This

if he is the stay at home parent then I can't see why he would consult you about buying shoes and uniform etc

and this

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2016 20:13

She's told him she wants to be involved and he's made sure she's not.

OP, why is he the SAHP? Did you discuss this?

inthenickoftime · 06/09/2016 20:14

T4nut makes a good point actually. I can understand why the OP is upset, but her DP hasn't done anything except what most SAHM's would do without a second thought.

inthenickoftime · 06/09/2016 20:15

Nanny0gg she didn't say that she had told him that she was upset. Until he reacts badly to this I don't know why he should be villianised.

Whatthefuckis1tnow · 06/09/2016 20:18

The getting the hair cut and uniform etc is fine, feeling like you have to ask permission about everything is not fine and is controlling regardless of which party it is and who the sahp is.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 06/09/2016 20:20

I told him that I wanted upset and he's he one who made out I was being unreasonable. When my eldest was born he saidid he would look for a job he didn't so I ended up working and it's killed me ever since. I am not critising him for doing his job I am upset at being pushed out.

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/09/2016 20:27

I think getting hair cut should be handled with a little bit of care, it is quite a personal thing.

Even though DH often cuts DS's hair at home or one of us takes him to the local barbers we do usually mention it to the other first.

I think cutting hair the day before starting school could upset the apple cart, and there be an element of controlling behaviour involved there (especially of course given what else OP has shared)

Memoires · 06/09/2016 20:27

I suspect a sahm would mention that she was going to get the kids' hair cut and so on. If her dh said he loved dd's hair that length - could they cut off as little as poss, she would either agree happily or make a case for cutting it shorter, either way there'd be a discussion, but there's been no discussion here at all.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 06/09/2016 20:28

I did a post awhile ago about him wanting to be swingers

OP posts:

nat73 · 06/09/2016 20:29

My DH cut my son's hair when he was 2 after I asked him not to do it, whilst I was at work. I was furious. He has not done it since.

I would try to sit him down and explain to him you would like to be consulted in some of this stuff, to feel part of it.

It is true if you were a SAHM and he was out at work then I can imagine most women do not consult with their husband re school uniforms, haircuts etc. It would be totally normal. I guess this is the dilemma we now find ourselves in as working Mums.. we want to work but still be involved with all the childcare. Most working Dads would have no interest in haircuts, uniforms, even parents evenings possibly??

gillybeanz · 06/09/2016 20:37

The school would have been skint if they had to replace everything my dc lost.
If it isn't compulsory i'd just buy a cheap one next time.
Unfortunately, it's one of those things, costs you more in losses than them wearing or growing out of them.

AristotlesTrousers · 06/09/2016 20:42

I did a post awhile ago about him wanting to be swingers

I remember that thread. The things he said and did then just add to the picture that he is both controlling and abusive. I think the haircutting is part of his manipulation of you to try and make you feel inadequate.

PovertyPain · 06/09/2016 20:42

So he made the decision that you would continue to work and he would stay at home?

That's not a sahp, that's cocklodger with control issues! He's making sure you feel like a shit parent, while he controls the home, all decisions regarding the kids and makes sure he's in a position to gain custody of the kids in a break up. I'd be very very concerned about this.

alfagirl73 · 06/09/2016 20:49

OP you say that you "feel you have to ask for permission". Just out of interest, what is his reaction if you go ahead and do things without asking him? What has led to you feeling you have to ask him? What sort of things do you feel you need to ask permission about?

Crunchymum · 06/09/2016 20:56

The OP isn't saying "my DH is amazing but I can't help to feel a bit left out for xyz reason" is she?

Read between the lines people!!!

AristotlesTrousers · 06/09/2016 20:56

He's making sure you feel like a shit parent, while he controls the home, all decisions regarding the kids and makes sure he's in a position to gain custody of the kids in a break up. I'd be very very concerned about this.

I agree.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread