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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get wound up by new mum...

98 replies

Idratherbeaunicorn · 06/09/2016 11:52

I am pregnant with my 1st child (due Jan 2017) - a friend has recently had a baby (3 and a bit months ago) - every time I see them I seem to get bombarded with unwanted "advice" including (but not limited to):
"Oooh get your sleep in now, you wont sleep when they get here"
"You really need to be saving your money now"
"You need to tell work that your expecting" (Duhhhh - they already know)
etc etc
Maybe IABU, pregnancy has made me less tolerant of people in general (!!), but I just find it rude and insulting. Believe it or not, Im a fully functioning adult and I am not stupid. I have several nieces and nephews and god children - I KNOW what to expect, I havent got my head in the clouds....
AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
Idratherbeaunicorn · 06/09/2016 13:09

When I say I KNOW, I didng mean for it to be so atu born... I meant I'm not completely oblivious. I know it's going to be bloody hard and I know I'm not going to sleep and it's going to be expensive and if I don't breastfeed my nipples will rot and fall off....

OP posts:
Boogers · 06/09/2016 13:10

OP, I know this isn't an advice thread, but one thing my mother said to my sister when she had her baby was that it's a lot more fun than you imagine it will be. Yeah, there's shitty nappies, sleepless nights, poonamis etc, but on the whole parenthood is brilliant! No one ever tells you this! Smile

80schild · 06/09/2016 13:11

My standard response to unsolicited advice is this: "isn't it amazing I made it to adulthood without you telling me what to do every step of the way. How am I still alive?" or words to that effect. Sarcastic I know but over the years I have grown fed up of semi competent people telling me how to run my life (particularly when I have achieved most of what I want).

Stevefromstevenage · 06/09/2016 13:12

Oh Phoenix surely you realise that the phrase

are you feeding her yourself? was designed to help the world to overcome their difficulty with saying the word BREAST shit did I just shout that

LondonStill83 · 06/09/2016 13:14

Ha, I find myself biting my tongue NOT to do this to DH.

We are expecting our first baby post haste- am being induced in two weeks. I have had lots of exposure to babies- 16 cousins, 16 children between them, have worked as a live in nanny and an au-pair, etc. I know NOTHING compares to having your own but, i do feel that as much as is possible before actually being in the situation, I know the kinds of things to expect. It's the exhaustion and constant game changing as baby develops and the relentlessness of it all that scares me most.

DH has his head in the clouds. He figures weeks after birth I will be out at the pub again whilst he watches the baby with the football in the background (what about the boobs son, what about the boobs), that we will have a whole slough of friends lining up to babysit our newborn so we can go out for romantic dinners at night, that we will have the energy to go out for romantic dinners at night, that we will jump straight back into the sack, etc etc.

I almost feel bad for the guy!

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2016 13:15

Occasionally, just occasionally, you will be told something useful...

LondonStill83 · 06/09/2016 13:16

However I have had certain bits of advice from friends which have actually been priceless, even though

LondonStill83 · 06/09/2016 13:17

Sorry posted too soon: even through pregnancy.

I am a pragmatist at heart so have, at times, really appreciated clear advice and experience sharing! It's a minefield out there!

bonzo77 · 06/09/2016 13:18

YANBU for it to piss you off.
YABU to feel wound up by it. But you're excused because is natural.

All the advice in world cannot prepare you. In fact even lots of experience doesn't always help. I've got 3, all with their own quirks. And labour / birth / newborns are not always the hardest bit!

I'll never forget a woman who lectured me about getting my figure back. I was about 4 months gone with my first, and very thin due to morning sickness. She was really quite big having had her first a few months earlier. She had another baby, and I eventually had 3 , she's the same as she was that day, and so am I. I never did follow her advice!

Rainatnight · 06/09/2016 13:19

Don't you think people are often just trying to be polite, and to establish common ground?

We're about to adopt. On hols at the moment and just had an email from my mum saying 'enjoy it, it'll be the last time you get to do nothing for years!'. Which I could have taken as unasked for advice (she has form Wink) but I actually thought was a lovely friendly recognition that our lives are about to change beyond recognition.

It might be different when you've really struggled for parenthood, and have had some very lonely times along the way.

rosesarered9 · 06/09/2016 13:23

No useful advice, but eat what you want!
My aunt ate LOADS of sweets. She only ate fromage frais, hot cross buns and orange juice for 2 months.
Then when she went into labour there were no available doctors so she had to wait.
She and the baby got sepsis (life threatening). It's something that has to be treated in a few hours so it doesn't get to the brain. My cousin (her DD) would not have survived were it not for an extra layer of fat around her brain. This was presumably due to my aunt eating a lot of unhealthy food.

Obsidian77 · 06/09/2016 13:28

To be fair to your friend, having a young baby is so all-consuming that there's nothing else you can really talk about. I had kids before most of my fridns and they'd be like "so what have you been up to?" and I'd try to explain how overwhelming it is with a newborn. They'd do a fixed smile and say "uh huh, I know".
They get it now Grin

Rollonbedtime7pm · 06/09/2016 13:31

vanilla I was just coming on to say something similar!

I have a 4 month old DD, she's my 3rd and as the other 2 are quite often at preschool and school, it's just me and her quite a bit. I feel like a need a badge saying "baby no 3" as the moment she kicks off (or does anything in fact!) there seems to be some 'expert' explaining to me how "it gets better" blah blah...

I feel like replying "oh yeah? When?! I've got a 6 year old who cries like this sometimes!"

OP - afraid it will never end Grin

BabyGanoush · 06/09/2016 13:34

OP, you say you KNOW what to expect....

surely you should have been expecting these kind of comments then, no? Wink

relax, it's just people talking about themselves in a roundabout way:

"Oooh get your sleep in now, you wont sleep when they get here" means: "fuck me I'd kill for a lie-in! yawnnnn"
"You really need to be saving your money now" means: "I have just had to buy the kids' school kit and now have no money left "
"You need to tell work that your expecting" means: "I forgot to do this and all hell broke lose"

Grin
foxychox · 06/09/2016 13:36

I received advice from 2 drunk blokes in the pub (I was drinking lemonade, obvs) just before I had DD1 that it was better to tear than to be cut. Went to the loo and texted hubby that we needed to leave NOW! Of course they are right but who wants to hear that?!

Crazycatlady123 · 06/09/2016 13:38

I feel your pain, it's never ending, I'm due February and know there's so much more to come! The best worst advice so far have been:

"You know you're not to drink alcohol anymore" Thank you Grandma for your pearls of wisdom I hadn't a bloody clue.

And

"When you buy maternity clothes buy the next size up you'll put on weight everywhere" Thanks a lot MIL as if I wasn't self-conscious about losing my figure already. Angry

Everyone means well, it's just bloody irritating. My favourite advice was from a lovely lady I used to work with who told me "having a baby isn't as bad as everyone makes out, it's actually pretty great." I'm holding onto this one Smile

NoCakeLeft · 06/09/2016 13:49

My DH was complaining about his ex co-worker (female) who was telling him to sleep now and that I will struggle with BF. She only gave birth 1 month prior to that.

So he took a great pleasure to tell her 3 weeks after the birth of our DD, that she sleeps through the night (7 hours) and feeds very well.

I ended up breastfeeding for 17 months and DD's "bad" nights can be counted on fingers of one hand. Sorry for feeling smug about it, but I can't help it.

HoneyDragon · 06/09/2016 13:55

People stopped giving me baby advice after I'd immaced mine. Just sayin'

grafia123 · 06/09/2016 13:59

I get nervous making conversation with my friend who has had a baby. She looks like she takes offence at everything I say. It is so hard making conversation. She is with her baby all day, I am with my kids most of the time. It is hard not to talk about kids and babies. It is becoming so difficult because she always looks offended I have stopped seeing her and talking to her for now. I don't think she wants my friendship any more because I cant say anything right!

elmo1980 · 06/09/2016 14:12

I've also found that people now ONLY speak to me about my pregnancy/giving me advice/telling me horror stories. It's like they feel they can't talk about anything else around me.

I don't mind the advice so much as it's my first child and I've no idea what I'm doing so I'm taking it all in and using my common sense to sift out the nonsense. Most advice is given with good intentions and I think people just need to feel like they acknowledge your situation and can empathise with you.

BeardMinge · 06/09/2016 15:58

I have several nieces and nephews and god children - I KNOW what to expect

Hahahahaha. It's really not the same.

Funnily enough no one gave me any of that kind of 'advice' whilst I was pregnant. Even if they had I think I would've taken it in a 'they're just making conversation' kind of a way.

MunchCrunch01 · 06/09/2016 16:06

i remember being annoyed about the 'sleep now/enjoy lie-ins etc' comments - but in hindsight, although you can't bank sleep (I wish you could) they were right that parenting small children can be tiring with a side of tiring, as well as wonderful and wouldn't be without it. I might go on a few more mini-breaks before I had DC though if I could turn back the clock. Have a few more lie-ins!

Original poster
Idratherbeaunicorn · 06/09/2016 16:14

Like I said above - I didn't mean for that to sound so stubborn, I meant it in a "I'm not naive" or a I know it's going to be hard, I know I'm not going to sleep, I know it's going to be expensive.
I know its different to babysitting, but I'm not going into it with my head in the clouds.

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 06/09/2016 16:16

It NEVER ends.

'Oh, wait till they're born, then you'll be tired'

'Oh, wait till they are crawling, you won't know what's hit you'

Oh, wait till they're walking, it's non stop'

'Wait till they are talking, you'll never get a break'

'Wait till they're at school, then it gets really hard'

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

oldlaundbooth · 06/09/2016 16:19

Best one is 'Don't use the TV with your kids, you should read/play/craft with them instead"

From someone without children.

How I laughed that one.

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