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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get wound up by new mum...

98 replies

Idratherbeaunicorn · 06/09/2016 11:52

I am pregnant with my 1st child (due Jan 2017) - a friend has recently had a baby (3 and a bit months ago) - every time I see them I seem to get bombarded with unwanted "advice" including (but not limited to):
"Oooh get your sleep in now, you wont sleep when they get here"
"You really need to be saving your money now"
"You need to tell work that your expecting" (Duhhhh - they already know)
etc etc
Maybe IABU, pregnancy has made me less tolerant of people in general (!!), but I just find it rude and insulting. Believe it or not, Im a fully functioning adult and I am not stupid. I have several nieces and nephews and god children - I KNOW what to expect, I havent got my head in the clouds....
AIBU??

OP posts:
ImYourMama · 06/09/2016 12:32

I'm 26 weeks, and even friends who don't have bloody kids are trying to give me advice. It's the most incredibly irritating thing and I've come to the conclusion that 'we've got it covered' is going to be my stock response to everything. Very annoying OP you have my sympathies x

phoenix1973 · 06/09/2016 12:33

Yanbu
I was in the same situation and my mate asked me to change her baby's nappies to "get some practice"🤔
I told her "nope. I will learn very quickly when my baby is born"😂

Ignore, just say no or say "gotta go, I forgot something" and leave.

ParadiseCity · 06/09/2016 12:36

Ach my eldest has just started high school and I still haven't got a fecking clue what I am doing, or how to parent perfectly. Its just people, we all spout out crap to try and convince ourselves we know what we are doing.

Good luck OP, smile and nod Grin

gandalf456 · 06/09/2016 12:40

My eldest is 12 and I am still waiting for it to stop, too. The worst people are fellow parents.

Spudlet · 06/09/2016 12:41

Phoenix1973 I thought getting my DSis (also expecting) to change DS's nappy in the name of 'practice' was an excellent ruse Grin

I'm not one for giving unasked for advice but if/when people have unrealistic expectations it's hard not to try and gently temper them a little.

skyyequake · 06/09/2016 12:42

I hated this! because it's always the sleep thing... like I never pretended to know exactly what it was going to be like, but repeating "you'd better enjoy sleeping whilst you can!" or "are you ready for this?" with some kind of sadistic glee on there face like they can't wait for you to be so exhausted you can barely stand so they can say "told you so"

BlackeyedSusan · 06/09/2016 12:45

try having an kid with additional needs. there are lots of people who tell you to just do....

MunchCrunch01 · 06/09/2016 12:46

well i had 7 nieces & nephew just on my side of the family of a full range of ages and i had no bloody clue about the relentlessness of it - your friend might've been running on because she's nervous and overtired, let it roll over you, as others have said you'll get plenty of advice, this is just the start...

29redshoes · 06/09/2016 12:47

I found that I got loads of really useless advice like "get lots of sleep in now", "go out as much as you can just the two of you", "go to the cinema", "buy hand cream"...

But there were quite a lot of things which might actually have been useful to know (about birth, postnatal wards, breastfeeding, etc etc) but nobody tells you that because they "don't want to scare you".

We have a couple of friends who had babies recently and I am a bit irritated with both of them as we specifically asked for advice when I was pregnant and what they told us was obvious or useless. When we met with them a few weeks after having DD we got loads of "oh yeah, we struggled with that/my NCT friend had that/my sister had the same problem". Well, it's too late now Hmm

Boogers · 06/09/2016 12:48

Unicorn you need to perfect your smile and stare. As in the smile you'll need when someone says something so random that you barely have the ability to comprehend whether it's a compliment or backhanded compliment, ditto stare.

For example:

"Eeeeeeeeh, she's a big baby" - yes, try 16 hours of labour and shitting a 10lb baby with no pain relief. In reality you just smile and clench your stitches.

"Oooh, she's been here before" - there are literally no answers to that, other than to hold your baby to your ear, put her back down thoughtfully and say to the person saying that that their grandad says it's under the clock in the bedroom.

"Is she sleeping dear?" No. She screams like a banshee during the night and won't sleep horizontally.

"Is she feeding well?" Would you like to see my nipples? They used to be objects of stimulation and orgasm, but now they're just udders. I am a cow. Mooooo.

You have to perfect the smile whilst thinking "oh do fuck off dear".

powershowerforanhour · 06/09/2016 12:50

Oh I might be tempted to have fun with this:
"Sleep? Oh no, we decided to go to as many parties and pubs as we can now, we're always the last to leave and fall into bed at dawn haha!"
"Save up all the pennies? Ach well, sure we're quite lucky we don't really need to" with a breezy smile that suggests you can barely balance on your massive nest egg.

Goodasgoldilox · 06/09/2016 12:51

Best advice I was given on this subject:
'Accept all advice -it is always very useful... for passing on to others!'

Madeupforthis · 06/09/2016 12:52

Listen, I have had two and I am still getting the same shit from people. One friend has just had a baby and you would think she was the baby whisperer.

When it is strangers being judgemental ie "why does he have a dummy?" "why are you topping up, just BF more!", I have openly asked them what the fuck has it got to do with them. They fuck off and problem solved Grin With friends I smile and nod and say "Yes. I'm sure." Let them enjoy being a know it all, I am sure I must have done it too without realising!

Thinkingblonde · 06/09/2016 12:54

I have lots of nieces and nephews and thought I new all about babies...until I had my own. A few hours of baby sitting didn't in anyway prepare me for the reality of caring for and being responsible for this tiny scrap of humanity. She was a 'good' baby, slept through from four months old, napped for an hour twice a day at 10.00am and 2.00pm, smiley happy, woke at 7,30.am gurgling away to herself in her cot and greeted me with a huge smile when I went into her. I still thought I had it nailed, this parenting lark...then I had my second daughter, different altogether, she didn't sleep, wouldn't take to the breast at all, didn't nap and if she did she wouldn't sleep at night.

I once shut a woman up, who told me she knew all about babies as she'd had one of her own. I said No you don't, you know all about your baby, you don't know about mine.

phoenix1973 · 06/09/2016 12:56

The receptionist at my surgery asked "are you feeding her yourself?"
I wanted to say "no, I give her to a specially designed feeding robot with strap on tits filled with bottles of my milk".🙄

Cocklodger · 06/09/2016 12:56

5.5 months with DC1.
My 'helpful' co worker does my fucking nut in.
'should you be doing that?' I was using a PRINTER to print the bloody weeks rota. No. Pregnant women are FORBID from using printers in case the baby gets ink poisoning! Oh wait...
''Should you be eating that?'' its a fucking pasta salad?!!!!!!?????????
'Should you be drinking that?' Sparkling water?! What even?
''Have you taken your vitamins''
OH GO AWAY YOU'RE MORE INVESTED IN THIS THAN MY OWN HUSBAND.
and breathe.

MissMargie · 06/09/2016 12:57

I KNOW what to expect. Grin

Ginslinger · 06/09/2016 12:59

is it possible that she's just trying to be friendly and finding something that you've both got in common? I' m not saying that you're not going to get more advice than you can handle but sometimes people just want to be friendly without realising that they're the 5000th person to say something unnecessary

liquidrevolution · 06/09/2016 13:02

I slept loads after baby was born, DD was especially easy. Not so much now she is 2. Didnt sleep at all before she was born due to heartburn Hmm

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 06/09/2016 13:04

You don't know what to expect. I'm a children's nurse, I can change a nappy. But bringing my baby home was still a shock.

Sleep when your baby sleeps? Pah! My eldest as a baby used to have two 20 minute naps a day. I was exhausted.

Boogers · 06/09/2016 13:04

Phoenix GrinGrin

Laiste · 06/09/2016 13:06

Yeah, resign yourself to the fact that a lot of people seem to put their own parenting experiences on a pedestal above and beyond those of every other parent.

MIL, for eg., is lovely, but when we chat about DD4 (2 and a half) she always turns the conversation round to regale me with tales of ''what she went through to bring her kids to adulthood''. And it was normal stuff: Oh, the amount of washing she did, oh how she was organised, oh the meal planning, the primary years, the homework she had to help with, the secondary school years she coped with, oh and the teens ...

... yes MIL, i do know - it was me who bought up your 18, 20, and 22 year old stepdaughters who are sitting next to you, remember? HmmGrin I just sit and nod and ooh and ahh as if i've no idea!

monkeygone · 06/09/2016 13:07

Lol. The thing is, if it's really not possible for a FTM to be fully prepared before the event, then nothing anybody says can ever fully prepare a FTM, can it?! Like:

"It's much harder than you expect".

"Oh, it is? Okay, now I'm expecting it to be really, really, REALLY hard, then."

Next day:

"It's much harder than you expect".

Ad infinitum.

Diddlydokey · 06/09/2016 13:08

It is pointless telling you but for the majority, including those with child experience, the first few months are rather... grounding.

Having said that, she just needs to save it for if you ask for help after the kid arrives.

VanillaSugar · 06/09/2016 13:09

DH and I took our 7 week old baby to a wedding and we were given lots of advice from a couple who has a six year old son. Lots and lots of advice.... so much advice that it took up the entire conversation during the wedding meal. We didn't have the heart to tell them that we'd left our 9 year old DD at home so not only did we know all about babies, but we also knew how to ensure that a bratty six year old behaved itself at a meal. Too polite, obviously. ....

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