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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be holding back the tears at work already

88 replies

desperate16 · 05/09/2016 18:53

I start nightshift at 7pm om a hospital ward, finish at 7.15am. Work with perfectly pleasant colleagues (tonight anyway) and nightshift conditions aren't bad - 3 breaks, 1 twenty minutes and 2 forty five minutes. Patients all semi independant for once.

But I'm sitting biting my tongue and wanting to leave. I am feeling ill, but have been told if I take one more sick day I will get a formal warning and will seriously struggle to get employment in the future :(

There are colleagues who are nasty to me. I get sore with my shifts. I struggle with the 12 hours. And my boss has been off on secondment for a long time, she's coming back soon and she used to be horrible to me. I'm bloody petrified of her and don't want to work with her :(

Woke up vomiting but just carried on. Managed to eat a little bit and kept lucozade down.

I tried phoning my mum and started crying :( she's disabled and I always worry about her.

And I haven't even started work yet :(

Doctors won't sign me off as said if they do they dont think I would go back.

What the hell do I do? Last nightshift I did - 3 weeks ago - I paced around and around the grounds on my break trying to persuade myself to walk back in.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperate16 · 08/09/2016 13:35

It's not like that.

I know heavy periods aren't the worst thing in the world - given I work directly with people with terminal brain tumours - but I can't cope with them. I have post traumatic issues from gynae surgery when I was younger and I don't cope with my gynae problems. Occupational health have referred me for counselling but it won't be until well past November they think and I have to have yet another op before than anyway.

I am not off all the time. There are several other colleagues who are off far more than me. Two have been off for a year, two off for six months. One was off for nine months. All have had full support. One is being offered to do her SVQ. One Is being referred for redeployment with full management support.

I have considered suicide several times because I can't see a way out of my fucking life. I can't do work, I can't seem to care for my mum correctly, I can't look after my sister. I have no friends, no hobbies, I live in a shitty damp flat with flatmates that don't like me. My wider family don't support me because they say it's my job to care for my family and look after myself. Social work say it's my job too. I can't afford care for home so I run back from work to do it myself. When I'm at work everything at home falls apart.

I don't want to tell my colleagues about my periods. I have already been embarrassed enough when I've had to run to the toilet to vomit/diarrhoea on shift. My managers advised me to keep as much as I can to myself. And my GP said my personal life is best keep secret too as it would be s burden on others if they found out.

I don't like me at all. I don't want to be at work because I know I'm a nuisance to them. I can't see a way out. Even suicide goes wrong. I've seen the consequences of it going wrong at work several times. It's like being trapped in a never ending nightmare.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperate16 · 08/09/2016 13:47

Fuck it, I've sent the email now. Have said I am worried I am looking unprofessional and scared of the impact on my future. This is my first ever proper job and I've screwed it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperate16 · 08/09/2016 14:12

Boss emailed back (remarkably quickly) and just said I can't do any extra shifts just now until abscences are all sorted. That's not what I was asking at all but I won't question it.

She says some other training/development is still allowed.

I have a massive headache and mortified that all this is happening.

OP posts:

IceRoadDucker · 08/09/2016 14:40

It really sounds like you need to get out of there ASAP for your mental wellbeing.

Push for the GP to sign you off. Use that time to regroup, assess your options, and come up with a plan for a new job. Then quit and be free of your witch of a boss.

AnthonyPandy · 08/09/2016 14:48

It really sounds like you need to get out of there ASAP for your mental wellbeing.

I really really agree with this actually.

It's horrible reading about people suffering in their jobs when they are in the kind of job that they could pick up again easily. Good carers are in demand, and another work place and boss and colleagues would do wonders for you.

hostinthemaking · 08/09/2016 15:03

You mentioned your colleague is on the redeployment register. Is that an option for you to make adjustment as you can't work night shifts? Maybe they could find you a more suitable post with a more understanding boss. I know how you feel as been in same situation with the boss from hell - NHS admin- who was a bully and micromanaged me as she decided to start formal proceedings. It all worked out as HR did a supportive plan and i found a much better position. Ironically doing all the tasks bully boss said I couldn't so was completely vindicated and now bully boss is in redeployment. Karma always comes around.

purplefox · 08/09/2016 15:13

Can you work in another hospital/care setting? Getting out and starting afresh would be a huge help to your mental wellbeing.

Original poster

desperate16 · 08/09/2016 21:05

I will ask about redeployment, I'm going to phone occupational health tomorrow. Have to go into the hospital with my mum anyway for an appt tomorrow but will phone them . I have realised that because of night shift I missed 4 nights of anti depressant and my pill which can't be making me feel any better. At home with my mum now.

OP posts:

Original poster

desperate16 · 08/09/2016 21:09

Hurt my arm earlier because I'm so worried about my mum and so tired. Thankfully it's in an area that's already got nerve damage so I can't feel it but it's bruised :(

OP posts:

AnthonyPandy · 08/09/2016 21:11

No don't ask about redeployment, just get a different job in a totally different area, with different people.

LanaorAna1 · 08/09/2016 21:31

Your arm is knocked because you're withdrawing from ADs without supervision and clumsiness is one of the side effects. Weird you don't know that as a HCP. Your mood is failing for the same reason.

What were the ADs prescribed for? Depression or HPD?

Original poster

desperate16 · 08/09/2016 21:40

I'm not sure what HPD is? I self harmed and I do know that it was caused in some vague part by not taking my meds.

I have depression, generalised anxiety disorder, and OCD and the psychologist thought maybe dependant personality disorder. Anti depressants were prescribed in 2011 just before I turned twenty to help me with the anxiety as I was agorophobic at the time.

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LanaorAna1 · 08/09/2016 21:56

Sweetheart, go back to the doc and get another referral to a psychiatrist. Your stress levels are not helping you at the moment. I'm signing out now, but best of luck. You deserve it.

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