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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? MIL & SILs

23 replies

Champers4Pampers · 05/09/2016 11:25

A wee bit of background DH's brothers are twins and close, so naturally SILs are quite close as their DHs share the same circle of friends.

I just wanted an outsiders opinion on this situation.

MIL had mentioned that SIL1 was coming over with my niece on Sunday, she asked if I was up to anything & I said I wasn't but nothing else was mentioned. So on Sunday I decided to pop past with my 2 DCs on the off chance of catching up with them.

When I arrived they weren't on FIL said they'd gone out for the day with SIL2 & her daughter.

AIBU in feeling a little bit annoyed that I wasn't included & DC missed out on spending time with their cousins. This isn't the first occasion that this has happened. They quite often do things together, afternoon tea, etc.

DH thinks I'm reading too much into & actually got annoyed with me for bringing it up. He's not particularly close to his brothers and things like this don't get to him.

I understand that SILs are close I was more annoyed that MIL doesn't think to include me.

I know in the scheme of things this is a minor issue but I can't help feeling a little bit hurt.

OP posts:

catmombaby16 · 05/09/2016 11:29

Hmm yeah I would be a bit miffed - the fact she pointedly asked what you were up to that day AFTER telling you SIL was going round is a bit odd....?

Maybe you should of said "ooh nothing I'll pop over with the DC" so she knew you were interested in going? But if you are like me then I know that's easier said than done!

MiddleClassProblem · 05/09/2016 11:30

Could you not say to mil that you would have liked to come along and to let you know if something else comes up?

RunningLulu · 05/09/2016 11:32

I think from that txt mil might have wanted to include you, but sils didn't. I'd have a private word with mil if it really bugs you and find a way to be included.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 05/09/2016 11:35

If they are close friends then are you sure that it wasn't something just arranged between the two of them?

I have two cousins that I am very close with and one that I'm not close with at all. My close cousins and I often go out and do things as friends rather than it being a family thing. Are you sure this isn't what happened?

I do agree with the pp that suggested next time telling your mil that you'll come over though, that way there won't be crossed wires.

Rockpebblestone · 05/09/2016 11:35

I think you'll just have to start making firm arrangements if you want to be included more often. They'll probably only feel closer to you if you are around more. If you often don't go with them, even if this is through no fault of your own, they probably feel less obligated to include you.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/09/2016 11:37

It could be that she was just asking what you were up to and then told you in passing what she was up to.

Although I'm sure plenty of people will decide that the SILs and MIL are evil personified because they are in laws

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/09/2016 11:38

And why shouldn't they spend time together, they sound close. I get you want your children to spend time together but if DH isn't bothered, just leave it.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/09/2016 11:47

As pp said, maybe they arranged it and mil didn't know until last minute. Also you could arrange a similar day and invite them both to bond a bit with them and mention at the end that you'd like to see them more or let you know if they are up to stuff

FuzzyOwl · 05/09/2016 11:48

Perhaps wherever they went they needed a car and could only get five in it.

Next time you get a text like that, say you are free and would like to meet up. Or else take the initiative and try to arrange things with your MIL and SILs so that you are just as close to them as they are to each other.

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 05/09/2016 11:52

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe by mentioning it, she was hoping you would say if you were interested in going with them? Next time Mil says they're doing something and asks about your plans, say 'oh, I have no plans, would you mind if I came along with you tomorrow? ...'

Original poster

Champers4Pampers · 05/09/2016 11:54

I don't think my MIL or SILs are evil in any way & generally feel like I have quite a good realationship with them.

I don't think there was any malice in them not inviting me, they just don't think that I'd like to be included.

I agree that it possibly wasn't MILs decision not to invite me & that the SILs had organised it without thinking of me.

Like others have said I maybe need to put myself out there a bit more & make it clear that next time I'd like to come along.

OP posts:

FuzzyOwl · 05/09/2016 11:58

If they don't think you like to be included you need to change that perception. Just send a text asking if they are free anytime soon to meet up and do something and if ever you are invited but can't make it, apologise and say you would like to do it next time so it is clear that you do want to spend time with them.

diddl · 05/09/2016 11:58

Why would you think that you would be included?

If you wanted to see your SIL, why didn't you phone her to arrange to see her when you knew that she was coming over?

Is there any chance that your SILs think that you aren't interested in them?

Waltermittythesequel · 05/09/2016 12:02

I don't think YABU to be miffed you weren't asked but I think YABU not to have called to check they were at home, if this is something that they do often.

DO you never get invited to things? Do you organise things yourself?

Bluebolt · 05/09/2016 12:03

If someone asked me what my plans for a certain day I would probably ask why. If I was free and interested plans would be made there and then.

RunningLulu · 05/09/2016 12:03

I disagree with the posters who said it's between them and to leave it. The minute Sils start involving mil it becomes a family event (whether they like it or not) and I think it's really rude that you aren't invited, especially as you have kids their age. Mil needs to take the lead here with sils- she needs to make it clear that family events involve the entire family or they can just do things between themselves.

Original poster

Champers4Pampers · 05/09/2016 12:08

diddl- that's exactly what DH said. His opinion is that I shouldn't expect to be included.

I hope that SIL don't think I'm not interested in them. I'm naturally quite shy & not overly confident so I could see how that could come across as not being interested.

Next time something like this comes up I will make a point of making it clear I'd like to do something instead of waiting to be asked.

OP posts:

diddl · 05/09/2016 12:09

Could it be miscommunication?

Mil checked that you were free but thought that you weren't interested when you didn't ask what was going on or say that you'd like to see visiting SIL?

diddl · 05/09/2016 12:10

Yoiu say that your husband isn't close to his brothers, but do you think that he would like to be & it hit a nerve?

BipBippadotta · 05/09/2016 12:23

It sounds like they have a relationship with each other that is different from the relationship you have with them. I imagine I would resent it a bit if someone I liked perfectly well but wasn't very close to (in-law or not) expected to be included in my plans with closer friends, or turned up unannounced expecting to tag along.

If you'd like to spend more time with them, perhaps organise something yourself and invite them; create a dynamic that can include all of you, and let them also have the friendship that is particular to them.

Laiste · 05/09/2016 12:26

My DHs sister goes out and about with one of her brother's wives (so my 2 SILs) - plus MIL sometimes, but not me. Bothers me not a jot i have to say. They genuinely get on as mates. We all rub along fine when we're all together and that's enough for me.

Also i must say i hated being pushed together to 'play with my (2nd) cousins' when i was a kid. As soon as we were all old enough to have the choice none of us ever met again. DH is the same. He's in his 30s and his mum still seems to think he's going to get all excited to see his cousins at family get togethers. He's not. He'd rather avoid them. They're all a bunch of unpleasant wankers who he feels no affinity with what-so-ever. (think domestic violence, fraud, GBH) Even MIL has fallen out with 2 of her sisters because their part of the family is so disfunctional, But we still get 'oooh your cousins will be there, arent you going?'

Sorry, rant over. It's just i feel that families don't need to be in each other's pockets OP

BalloonSlayer · 05/09/2016 12:27

I am never sure what's being asked when someone says "what are you up to at the weekend?"

Does it mean:

a) We are hoping to see you at the weekend and hoping you will say you're not doing anything so that we can suggest we get together; this invitation should be imminent.

b) We are hoping to see you at the weekend and hoping you will say you're not doing anything and suggest something because we are too shy. If you do not take this opportunity we will assume you don't want to see us.

c) We are hoping you turn out to be busy so we don't have to invite you to the thing we are doing and we don't feel bad.

d) We are just asking in case you are doing something we fancy doing with you but have not decided whether to or not yet and will not do so until you have told us what you are doing

e) We are purely making conversation and don't give a shiney shite about your plans. Indeed - we did not even listen to your answer.

I tend to assume a) d) or e) because I am a bit shy myself and don't want to foist my company on people unless I am sure they want to see me. c) is and unkind/low self-esteem assumption and in the case of b) they would have to make quite heavy hints for me to suggest something as I have already explained.

I guess, Champers you thought a) and it was a b)

diddl · 05/09/2016 13:19

It's a minefield, isn't it?!

If MIL wanted you there she should just have invited you, Op.

How often do you see these SIls if your husband doesn't see his brothers very often?

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