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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know if I should expect a thank you?

58 replies

Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 09:35

Something has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now.
I currently have a four month old baby and two older children. I was unable to breastfeed my older two following severe medical problems after the birth but have been fine to feed dc3. In fact, I've had a massive oversupply and have completely filled our freezer.
I enquired about donating to a special care baby unit but was too late in registering (has to be before 4 months).
Found a site which matches mums who want donor milk with mums who are willing to donate and found a fairly local mum who wanted milk for her daughter. I contacted her and she was delighted I was offering milk for donation. She'd struggled to feed her daughter and had recently returned to work and her supply had completely dried up.
She came to collect a couple of weeks ago and I donated over 80 bags of frozen milk.
I was on a bit of a giddy high as I have been so overwhelmed that I've actually been able to feed my baby that I didn't even think at the time about the hours and hours id taken to actually pump, sterilise and store the milk - not to mention the cost of actually buying all the storage bags. I was just so delighted to be helping someone else (and also to reclaiming the freezer!)
I've still got about 70+ bags left for myself so I've not gone short or anything but a family member asked me 'did you ever hear from the woman again?'
When I said I'd had a short thank you via Facebook, my family member then looked shocked and said, 'what? Not even a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates or a card? You gave them all of that and you've had nothing in return?'
Now as I said, I did it to help a fellow mum out and didn't even think of expecting anything at the time but what my family member says has started to bug me. I spent literally hours day and night for weeks on end pumping that milk (I pumped every 2 hours, 24 hours a day for the first 2 months to get my supply up) and have spent a fortune on storage bags etc.
I'm now upset as my donation has now been a bit tainted by what my family member has said.
Am I being unreasonable to not know if I deserve a thank you?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 05/09/2016 09:49

AIBU to not know if I should expect a thank you?

When I said I'd had a short thank you via Facebook

Am I being unreasonable to not know if I deserve a thank you?

You got a thank you. If you wanted more/to cover your costs, you should have sold it on ebay or gumtree.

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 09:53

As the post says, I was fine (and still am) with the thank you message. I didn't want anything more or any cash. my family member was just implying I'd been a bit naive in just giving it away and has made me feel a bit stupid, hence 'am I unreasonable for not knowing if I should get a thank you'. I didn't want one. Family member thinks it's outrageous I haven't.

OP posts:
NothingMoreThanFelines · 05/09/2016 09:54

Donating milk is a lovely thing to do, and you've had a thank you! And it's not as if you spent all that time pumping for her - as you say, you ran out of space in your freezer.

SnakeWitch · 05/09/2016 09:54

She did say thank you, and as a working mum of a baby she's probably got more to think about than buying a present for someone who gladly donated something!

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 09:54

As with any gift or donation, you don't give stuff to expect anything in return. I just feel a bit daft now thanks to family comments

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 05/09/2016 09:55

She did thank you though, she's just had a baby too I think expecting chocolates and flowers is a bit much tbh

SnakeWitch · 05/09/2016 09:56

By which I mean your relative seems to have quite high expectations, your reaction seems quite reasonable.

srslylikeomg · 05/09/2016 09:56

Sounds like you did it for you as much as for someone else, just enjoy your warm glow! You did a good deed, who needs thanks? The other mum is probably busy/shy/overwhelmed let it go.

DoreenLethal · 05/09/2016 09:57

'am I unreasonable for not knowing if I should get a thank you'. I didn't want one. Family member thinks it's outrageous I haven't.

You did though.

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 09:59

Oh crikey. I think this thread is all going a bit wrong. I gladly gave it away and didn't expect anything. I was delighted to help, especially after failing with my first two children and knowing how upset that made me. My point is that my family member has kind of tainted things by implying I've been naive. I didn't and still don't expect anything but my family member thinks I should have (not me)

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 05/09/2016 09:59

I can't imagine feeding someone else's donated breast milk to my own baby. How would you know it was stored correctly? I'm sure I read something where someone had tested the delivered breast milk that people sell online she found it positively rancid Shock

Chippednailvarnishing · 05/09/2016 09:59

I spent literally hours day and night for weeks on end pumping that milk (I pumped every 2 hours, 24 hours a day for the first 2 months to get my supply up) and have spent a fortune on storage bags etc

And that was your choice. As was giving the milk away. You're making it sound like your the only person who has spent a long time pumping. You're not.

Kishmish · 05/09/2016 10:04

No, I see where you're coming from and I think your family are being a bit silly. She said thank you and you wanted to donate. It was your choice. Tell them to butt out and stop being daft buggers.

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 10:10

Thanks kishmish. That's kind of how I feel. I was all happy to have helped someone out and then at a the family do I was at a while back, the (multiple) comments made me feel like a bit of an idiot for doing it.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/09/2016 10:17

How does this work?

Is it screened first?

Or does she just rock up collect and feed it to her baby.

She said thank you, you've perhaps made a deal of it to family and they think you should have been rewarded in some way?

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 10:18

Chippednailvarnishing I didn't intend for what I typed to sound like I was the only mother ever to have pumped. I know I'm not. It was just the family member pointing out to me in the conversation we had about it that the milk had taken hours and hours to pump and store and that pumping is not exactly pleasant or easy and that the recipient mum should've recognised the 'work' that had gone into it. My point back to my family was that i put in those hours for my own baby but had been 'lucky' enough to (this time) have more than enough which I was therefore happy to share. I didn't 'do the hours' for anyone other than my own baby but because there was plenty to spare I was happy to share. It's my family who were presenting the alternative viewpoint (rather emphatically) and making me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/09/2016 10:19

And you did get a 'thank you'

Just not a gift etc.

I'd ignore them

fourquenelles · 05/09/2016 10:23

You sound lovely OP, your family members on the other hand appear to be in the "never give something for nothing" camp. Ignore them and their grabby ways

bumblingmum · 05/09/2016 10:24

Wow, well done, what a lovely thing to do.
If you would like some kind of follow-up, I would PM via FB and ask "how are you and baby getting on". Its not asking for a thank you, just showing genuine interest.

liquidrevolution · 05/09/2016 10:24

overdoing the thank yous can bve a pain in the arse. member of DHs family sends present for DDs birthday. DH insists on:

Immediately calling to say thank you
sending a text the next day to say thank you
sending an email to say thank you
sending a printed thank you card (which is how I thanked everyone in my family)

aforementioned relative then sends a thank you card for our thank you card we sent.

DH follows up with a thank you email for the card.

and it goes on... Hmm

She said thank you and you were happy with that. You dont have to live by other peoples rules and tbh a stressed out mum who has just returned to work and is probably embarrassed and upset about not being able to produce milk has enough on her plate.

thoughtsaslongascigarettes · 05/09/2016 10:31

I think you did actually expect more than a thank you on Facebook and this is your way of asking if you should have got more (without being flamed)

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 10:36

It really isn't thoughtaslongascigarettes. I was giddy as a kipper to help out and was then really fed up to be made to feel like a twit by my family who I just thought would be happy for me and the other mum. Think I'm a bit emotional about it all because I was so upset I was unable to feed my first two that I'm in a bit of a giddy bubble that I can even feed one baby, let alone donate. My family kind of popped my bubble a bit and now I feel a bit flat and stupid

OP posts:
FeministRant · 05/09/2016 10:38

If I had been given something as valuable & personal as breast milk I would have dropped off some flowers. She was obviously grateful but didn't think it necessary. Try not to dwell on it.

1frenchfoodie · 05/09/2016 10:43

What a lovely thing to do (and such dedication to pumping, every 2h!). Tbh I'd be annoyed at your family member(s) for trying to suggest you'd been 'had'. You got a thank you message and hve no reason to think it anything other than sincere. Time to bask in the warm feeling of having done a good deed for no material gain.

Okkitokkiunga · 05/09/2016 10:47

It's got diddly squat to do with your family member. You made a decision and followed it through. You were happy. Family member spoilt it for you. Maybe you should tell family member "thanks for ruining my pride in HELPING someone. You've disrespected me and my decision." Next time don't tell them.