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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know if I should expect a thank you?

58 replies

Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 09:35

Something has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now.
I currently have a four month old baby and two older children. I was unable to breastfeed my older two following severe medical problems after the birth but have been fine to feed dc3. In fact, I've had a massive oversupply and have completely filled our freezer.
I enquired about donating to a special care baby unit but was too late in registering (has to be before 4 months).
Found a site which matches mums who want donor milk with mums who are willing to donate and found a fairly local mum who wanted milk for her daughter. I contacted her and she was delighted I was offering milk for donation. She'd struggled to feed her daughter and had recently returned to work and her supply had completely dried up.
She came to collect a couple of weeks ago and I donated over 80 bags of frozen milk.
I was on a bit of a giddy high as I have been so overwhelmed that I've actually been able to feed my baby that I didn't even think at the time about the hours and hours id taken to actually pump, sterilise and store the milk - not to mention the cost of actually buying all the storage bags. I was just so delighted to be helping someone else (and also to reclaiming the freezer!)
I've still got about 70+ bags left for myself so I've not gone short or anything but a family member asked me 'did you ever hear from the woman again?'
When I said I'd had a short thank you via Facebook, my family member then looked shocked and said, 'what? Not even a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates or a card? You gave them all of that and you've had nothing in return?'
Now as I said, I did it to help a fellow mum out and didn't even think of expecting anything at the time but what my family member says has started to bug me. I spent literally hours day and night for weeks on end pumping that milk (I pumped every 2 hours, 24 hours a day for the first 2 months to get my supply up) and have spent a fortune on storage bags etc.
I'm now upset as my donation has now been a bit tainted by what my family member has said.
Am I being unreasonable to not know if I deserve a thank you?

OP posts:
Okkitokkiunga · 05/09/2016 10:49

And by the way. Well done. My DS had donated breast milk in SCBU and I would of loved to be able just to say thank you to the Woman who made that possible. So I'll say thanks to you instead and everyone else who can do that.

JudyCoolibar · 05/09/2016 10:51

Ignore family member. You didn't spend that time pumping for the other mother, nor did you spend the money on the bags for that purpose. If she hadn't taken it you would have just thrown it all away.

Julju · 05/09/2016 10:52

Such a lovely thing to do. I think you've let your family member get to you - ignore them!

It might be that the mum you donated to is too busy to send flowers, etc. or she might think it's a bit tasteless to buy you something when it's something you've presumably done out of a genuine desire to help someone. If I were her I might worry it would make the donor feel it was undermined as a charitable gesture if I spent money thanking them.

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2016 10:53

Is the family member the type who'll do "nothing for nobody", without something in it for them?

People like that are joy suckers and will drain you.

You could sell your BM, it's a fetish that people will pay lots for. I know where I'd rather it being used, though.

kimann · 05/09/2016 10:53

You did get a thank you though - didn't you? Your AIBU was ' AIBU to not know if I should get a thank you' - you did.

You've done a lovely thing, accept it and move on feeling happy you did. Your family member who stirred the pot though - doesn't sound very nice. A something for something type of person I suppose. Be thankful you're not like that!

Here's some Flowers for your good deed!

Amelie10 · 05/09/2016 10:54

Do you always let other people get to you so much? So your family member made a comment based on their opinion. You have a mind of your own. You don't need to do as someone else says.

loosechange · 05/09/2016 10:54

I get your point, OP. You were happy with th the thanks you had, but the comment makes you wonder if you have been taken for granted.

I think you did a very selfless thing, and you should be proud of yourself.

If someone donated me that I would offer more than a Facebook thanks, probably a bunch of flowers.

Imknackeredzzz · 05/09/2016 10:54

Yeah don't understand this- a random stranger turns up and takes another strangers milk and feeds to her baby?! How does she know it's free of infections (no offense) and has been stored properly and is safe?!!

Seems like a huge risk to me and not one I would take

DropYourSword · 05/09/2016 10:55

I think you need to have a word with your family member!
Especially if the woman was a first time mum she may be knackered, overwhelmed, upset about not being able to feed, struggling to come to terms with being a mum, battling PND speaking from bitter experience here, can you tell?!.

I'm much better now, but for the first couple of months I literally only ate if my DH made me something. If he was out at work I didn't eat til he got home. Sorting out chocolates, flowers etc just would not have figured in my existence at that point.
She said thank you to you, I think that's all that should be expected.

dylsmimi · 05/09/2016 10:58

I agree with pp that you did get a thank you
Maybe the other mum doesn't lnow how hard it can be to pump so much so that a 'thank you' would be fine
and also thought that as you had a lot taking room up in your freezer she was also helping you by taking it.
It was your pump to continue pumping every 2 hours though and to accumulate so much but I think you did a nice thing and you should be happy with that
Btw not all hospitals stop donations at 4 months the one I donated to was up to 6 months for anyone else reading who may want to do similar

dylsmimi · 05/09/2016 10:59

Choice not pump! Sorry!

Ryooki · 05/09/2016 11:04

OP you did a wonderful thing in both achieving your ambition of breastfeeding your child and helping another mother to do the same through your generosity. Stay proud and giddy and ignore your family.

I know of a quote from the Bible that I think sums up he best way to go about making donations to make your soul happy. Matthew 6:2

"Be careful not to perform your righteous acts before men to be seen by them... So when you give to the needy, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be praised by men. Truly I tell you, they already have their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,…"

To summarise, donate what you want to who you want but don't do it for glory and don't tell other people, as they'll rarely respond in the way your good heart had hoped for. Smile

P.s. I'm not preaching religion here. I study different religions and their teachings, beliefs, practices etc for a hobby as I find them fascinating. I often find they can all offer useful advice on all aspects of life, such as this one. Smile

FuzzyOwl · 05/09/2016 11:10

Did you tell your family member that you were donating the milk? Maybe s/he doesn't understand the word donation. When you give things to a charity shop, they thank you for the donation but you don't get sent flowers or a present for doing so. It is exactly the same principle.

I appreciate that you haven't long given birth and what you did really was a great thing, but you are being unreasonable to both expect more than the thank you that you have received and to allow your family member to taint this act of generosity for you. If you decide to give away the rest of you milk, ask for money to cover your costs so you feel better about it and also extra if you want to buy yourself a treat.

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 11:29

Fuzzyowl that's a brilliant point! I'm going to point out (if they give me a hard time again) that charity shop thing and ask if next time they donate a bag of something do they expect the staff to swing by with a bouquet 👍😄

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 11:31

Good point ryooki. Next time I donate, my family will not be in the loop!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 11:33

Dropyoursword. I know that pnd feeling all too well. Was very poorly myself after my first. Hope you're all good now. Xxx

OP posts:
HeddaLettuce · 05/09/2016 11:34

My point is that my family member has kind of tainted things by implying I've been naive. I didn't and still don't expect anything but my family member thinks I should have (not me

That doesn't make any sense. You were fine, didn't want anyhing, all happy...then one comment about not getting some chocolates and you're on here talking about the cost of the bags and the hours it took you? You're eiher fibbing or incredibly suggestible.

SpookyPotato · 05/09/2016 11:34

What a lovely thing to do! Ignore your relative, she sounds like someone who has high expectations of people and is constantly disappointed that they don't get fulfilled.
I wouldn't expect a gift, you wanted rid of it and she took it- a thankyou is all that is needed!

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 11:36

Imknackeredzzz personally I'd only ever donate not receive for those reasons exactly but I know how fastidious I've been with sterilisation and also know that I've not got anything major due to screenings I had to have for fertility treatment so am confident (as I can be) that the donor milk was ok. It was actually my HV who encouraged me to look into donation as I mentioned I was having to tip fresh milk down the sink daily as I'd run out of space in the freezer.

OP posts:
RunningLulu · 05/09/2016 11:40

She's probably feeling guilty and maybe inadequate/embarrassed that she needs to use the donor service in the first place, especially since you had 80 bags just sitting in the freezer. The fact she even thanked you is a big deal, many women would just ignore and try to forget they even needed to use the service. (This is from experience supporting family members with bf problems).

I think your family need to cut her some slack. Your attitude is lovely.

Also a massive FO to the nasty poster who said donor bm was rancid. Freshly frozen bm is no different to cows milk (sorry for comparison lol) - you heat treat it a few times & it's fine.

FuzzyOwl · 05/09/2016 11:41

I think you should focus on what a great thing you have done and pity your relative who is clearly unable to do things purely out of the kindness of her heart.

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 11:42

Heddalettuce those were the points my family member was making which now I can't get out of my head in that I can't seem to get her to understand that 'yes, it cost money and hours but I was happy to do it!' Her incredulity is what's bugging me and I wish I could stop being bothered by it and her. She's one of those people in a family who always has massively strong opinions and has a way of making you feel stupid if yours don't align exactly with theirs. She's also known for stirring the family pot so to speak to get others to agree. It's one of those family dynamic things which from the outside looks nonsense but from the inside is entrenched, incredibly frustrating and often upsetting.
I'm going to go with the majority here (and my initial gut reaction) of just being happy about it and expecting nothing.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 05/09/2016 11:45

You did a kind thing for a mother and baby who needed your help. You made someone's life easier, the world a tiny bit better a place!
💐🍾🍫- there, now you can tell your mercenary family member that you got flowers, fizz, chocolate!! 😉

WorraLiberty · 05/09/2016 11:46

It sounds to me as though you personally feel aggrieved, and you're using your family member as an excuse.

If you didn't want a desperate thanks and a marching band, you wouldn't have given the family member's words another thought.

Let alone started a thread about it.

Original poster
Sparklycurtainpole · 05/09/2016 11:46

Thanks runninglulu and thank you for also supporting bf mums. It was the advice and support from a fab HV team and bf peer supporters which got me feeding successfully this time. Hats off Mrs!

OP posts: