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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get annoyed with my mum calling every day...

91 replies

pipnchops · 04/09/2016 19:55

Feel like a horrible daughter tonight. Somehow my mum has got into this routine, since my DD was born almost two years ago and I no longer work, where she calls me every day at around 5 to see how my day has been. This is fine but if I happen to not answer, if I'm out or I don't hear the phone, then she leaves a message sounding really worried and sends me a text asking if I'm out and if everything is OK. I finally decided enough was enough tonight and said that I don't mind her calling but if I don't answer can she just leave it for that day and call again tomorrow rather than message me and expect a call or message back, unless of course she does need to urgently speak to me. It's annoying when I get the message and it's all a rush to get dinner ready etc and I have to call her back or text her to let her know I'm OK. I wish she'd just assume I'm OK and let me get on with my life. Also I admitted that I don't really feel we need to talk every day as I don't have much to tell her. I'm not one for small talk and it's usually a pretty pointless and boring conversation. (I didn't say that last bit) Well, she was not happy and made me feel really awful for saying this. She lives alone and I think the call gives her something to do. I feel awful. But like I say, I don't mind call but I hate being tied to it every day. AIBU?

OP posts:

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 05/09/2016 08:42

I know Delores I didn't think you did.

chocoLit · 05/09/2016 08:45

dolores

LineyReborn · 05/09/2016 08:46

I think most people who come to post on MN about a parent or parents have very complicated emotions around them, including exasperation and some sort of love and guilt, and are very well aware that one day the parent(s) will die.

I do find it frustrating when a poster, who is clearly trying to work out emotions and trying to manage some logistics around these, is almost inevitably told the obvious fact about future death - and in a pejorative way.

But this is AIBU...

SuckingEggs · 05/09/2016 08:46

No, the trump card point was not well made. It's deeply hurtful and unnecessary.

SuckingEggs · 05/09/2016 08:47

That was @ Sparkle btw.

Sorry for your situation Dolores and those who have lost a parent.

autumn500 · 05/09/2016 08:52

My mum used to call me all the time and often I couldn't be bothered so just ignored it.then she became seriously mentally ill and never called me and it made me so sad.she is a bit better now and will sometimes call me and I'm grateful for that.

Can't you just call her before she calls you so that you have control over the call time? I understand not liking small talk as I don't either,but in my mums case she wouldn't have had many people to talk to and calling me was one of the highlights of her day so I indulge her now.

Saying that,it's a five minute convo maybe ten max,I couldn't be dealing with daily hour long convos or anything.

LineyReborn · 05/09/2016 08:52

Dolores Going through my father's dying and death was extremely traumatic for all sorts of reasons, and I really would urge you to seek out and take all the support you can get, including professional 'talking therapy' support. I should have done so a lot sooner than I did.

Vvlgari · 05/09/2016 08:53

Mil does this and it drives me nuts. She will call every single night, often more than once if she sees a programme later on or reads something and feels that she must tell us immediately, despite having called 20 minutes ago. She gets huffy if you're eating dinner and ask to call her back, and if we're out, she will ring DHs mobile and leave increasingly urgent and worried-sounding messages saying 'call me back'. He panics and calls her back thinking there's something wrong and she says 'I was just ringing to see how you are'.

SeenYourArse · 05/09/2016 09:12

I no only speak to but see my mum most days at least 5 out of 7 days as she likes to see me and my LO (3 months old) and we her. She's my best friend as well as my mum and we are so close,we always have been but almost losing her 3 years ago brought us closer than ever.

LineyReborn · 05/09/2016 10:43

I think it's lovely that some posters have a mutually enjoyable relationship with their parent.

Where some other posters struggle, however, is where they feel pressured, e.g. frequent phone calls when they're at work, and/or expectations of daily hour long phone calls. I found that the very last emotion I had space for in these circumstances was 'feeling grateful'.

scaryteacher · 05/09/2016 12:32

I live in Belgium and Mum is in Devon, so it's easier to phone than go and see her. We speak at least twice a day, she rings me in the morning, and I call her in the evening. She may call me during the day as well, but leaves a message if I don't pick up.

Her best friend of 36 years plus has just died unexpectedly, whom she also used to call during the day, so I'm a bit of a substitute for those calls as well atm. It takes very few minutes to talk unless she wants a long chat, which can be irksome at times, but she is my Mum; I love her; she is the only parent I have left, and it doesn't kill me to stick her on speaker phone whilst I bomb about in the house, or read whilst she is talking at me, whilst making the appropriate noises in the appropriate places.

LineyReborn · 05/09/2016 12:42

My father refused to be put on speaker phone. He found it somehow disrespectful.

bluebellsparklypants · 05/09/2016 22:22

every shitty thing I've ever done or said to my DM is on my mind..

So true my heart goes out to you, the raw feelings are excruciating

I experienced this when both my parents died (both from horrible illnesses)
I would of never of thought you could feel like that before I lost them so it's a fair point to bring up just to make people aware and be mindful of in day to day situations

frenchielala · 05/09/2016 22:26

You only get one mum in this life. Treat her kindly.. Make her feel loved, enjoy chatting to her everyday, if she wants to. Indulge her, she's your mum after all. Life is fleeting - enjoy each other when you can.

LineyReborn · 05/09/2016 22:30

Unfortunately we are not all blessed with nice mothers or nice fathers. You only have to read MN for half an hour to know this.

And we are all well aware that our parents will die.

I'd rather be driven by respect than guilt.

DeadGood · 07/09/2016 21:12

dolores I really feel for you. If it helps, I suffered extreme guilt when my mum died (young, and with no warning). It has faded and is manageable. I hope you are doing ok.

likedylan thanks for your reply.

liney I'm trying to quote part of your post but can't. You mention twice that people know heir parents going to die. But you know what? I don't think people really do get this. Yes, it's there in the background a vague awareness - but it's possible to have a simultaneous failure to truly grasp the reality of it.

Our oarents are around from the day we are born (for most people) and, for me at least, formed part of reality itself. Like gravity, or the sun rising in the east, my parents simply WERE and always would be. I thought.

I agree that it's unhelpful for debate to be shut down altogether with a "be grateful and shut up" but that isn't really what was happening here, was it?

And finally I'd say that yes some of us are touchy about this subject and will lean towards "be nice to your mum". Equally, there are people on here who have grave problems with their parents or in-laws who will lean towards "they are completely unreasonable".

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