To get annoyed with my mum calling every day...

[pipnchops]

Feel like a horrible daughter tonight. Somehow my mum has got into this routine, since my DD was born almost two years ago and I no longer work, where she calls me every day at around 5 to see how my day has been. This is fine but if I happen to not answer, if I'm out or I don't hear the phone, then she leaves a message sounding really worried and sends me a text asking if I'm out and if everything is OK. I finally decided enough was enough tonight and said that I don't mind her calling but if I don't answer can she just leave it for that day and call again tomorrow rather than message me and expect a call or message back, unless of course she does need to urgently speak to me. It's annoying when I get the message and it's all a rush to get dinner ready etc and I have to call her back or text her to let her know I'm OK. I wish she'd just assume I'm OK and let me get on with my life. Also I admitted that I don't really feel we need to talk every day as I don't have much to tell her. I'm not one for small talk and it's usually a pretty pointless and boring conversation. (I didn't say that last bit) Well, she was not happy and made me feel really awful for saying this. She lives alone and I think the call gives her something to do. I feel awful. But like I say, I don't mind call but I hate being tied to it every day. AIBU?

dead parent trump card

Very mean comment. It's someone's point of view relative to their life. The op asked for points of view.

Both my parents are gone now, I spoke to my mum everyday (more some days) I did the same with my Dad. Didn't always feel like talking, it grated on me some days & didn't always have much to say but i know it was nice for them. I have no regrets. I've got an 9month old and I would hate not to hear his voice everyday.
But that's all relative to me.

Op do you think you could negotiate a better time to speak, must feel alittle claustrophobic for you hope you can get some resolve meant

Ye gods, how annoying! When my mum was alive we used to phone each other alternate weeks - long distance calls were expensive in those days, and we'd pop in to see her about once a month - She lived about 100 miles away.
I miss my adult DC, but very rarely phone them, unless it's something urgent. I send texts or Facebook messages, and they call when they have a few minutes spare. They both have busy lives, and I don't. I do worry about them if I know they're going through a bad patch, but I don't own them, and have no right to know what they're up to. Yes, I'd like them to phone more, but I don't want to be resented for interrupting a meal, or anything.
I can't understand what it is with some people my age (61) who refuse to get even vaguely up to date with modern technology that would enable them to keep up to date with their DC in a less intrusive way, or who demand to know all the ins and outs of someone else's day.
I have to admit, I'd be more involved -of a nuisance- if there were grandchildren, but I hope I'd be reasonable, like my mum was.

OP I third the idea of asking your mother to call at a more appropriate time.

LikeDylan I've always liked the sound of you as I love the song, but I'm saddened not by your Dead Parent Trump Card comment but your response to others ... Pretty cold.

I don't think people are trying to shut down debate. They, like I, would hate for others to experience the guilt and regret of not caring for their own lost mothers more. Losing my beautiful mum was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but I never ever appreciated her while she was around. Like an idiot. I put her through so much and as a PP has said, I thought I had all the time in the world to make it up to her.

OP I think you did the right thing bringing it up, just need to let the dust settle now and see what her reaction is, ie whether she still rings every day or not at all or whatever, and take it from there.

PS my dad died recently and of all the things I miss about him, banal phone conversation is not high on the list.

In retrospect what I wrote came across as cold and I didn't mean to cause personal upset and I should have phrased it more sensitively.

I still feel that comments along the lines of 'be grateful your parents are still alive ' aren't helpful in addressing whatever issues (be they petty or minor) people have with their parents. I shouldn't have been quite so strident or tactless in expressing that view.

Can you put her on speakerphone? That way you can prepare food and chat at the same time.

Has she been a good mum to you OP? If so YABU. Perhaps change the time to one more convenient and if you find small talk hard just keep a notepad and jot down things to tell her.

They are our parents. We need to try at least to put in what we took out.

I understand Dylan's comment. My father died earlier this year and I'm grieving but his expectation of an hour long daily phone call is actually not something that I miss.

OP, your mum can't be that old?

I had the same problem every day since my DD was born too. I cut it all back and she kept pushing now we have no contact at all. You say since your DD was born. Is it you or your daughter she asks about.

I don't phone my mum as much as I should, and she usually calls at inconvenient times. I've found it helps to phone her when it's convenient and to have thought about one or two things to talk about - an exam a kid is doing or some activity coming up. At the end of the day (sorry!) she just wants to be involved in your life and to feel connected to it.

Op, I feel your pain. My mum calls several times a day, landline and mobile, and leaves increasingly hysterical messages on both if she can't get hold of me. She has even been known (when she was more mobile) to drive to my house at 10pm because she 'couldn't get hold of me' i.e. I was ignoring her calls. She isn't lonely, she has a husband and lots of friends, but she believes that it is my daughterly duty to be at her beck and call, despite the fact that I am a single parent juggling a full-time job and post-grad study with no support. Conversations usually go a bit like this... Me: 'Hello' Mum: 'Oh, you're there, where have you been? I've called you five thousand times' Me: 'At work' Mum: 'Well, my legs are really bad today and I couldn't get a doctor's appointment, I'm in so much pain yada yada yada... Me: puts phone on loudspeaker, carries on getting DD's supper/making packed lunch/emptying washing machine Mum (finally running out of steam after about ten minutes of talking about herself): 'So, how's DD? Oh, must go, Corrie's just starting'. Often, a bit like this... Me: 'Hello' Mum: 'Now, why did I call you? Oh yes, no, hang on, why did I call? Oh yes, can you pick me up (insert non-essential sundry item) urgently/take time off work to drive me to the doctor immediately/fill out a form for me? And how's DD? Oh, must go, my dinner's ready'. It's exhausting, and frustrating, but if I call her on it, she guilt trips me massively. I love her, of course I do, but she's incredibly demanding and self-obsessed, and it's very much a one-way street (she was supposed to have DD to stay the night on my birthday so I could go out - a rarity - but called me on the day to say she was feeling 'out of sorts' and couldn't have her). My nine-year-old loves her grandma very much, but even she (in all her nine-year-old selfishness) says 'Wow, Mummy, Grandma is really all about herself, isn't she?'

Can you not answer the phone and say to her something like, hey I am making dinner, cant talk right now, I'll call you tomorrow?

And then end the call.

Christ. I hope my DD is never on here when older with people sympathising with "her pain" if I try to speak to her daily...

OP, tell her, not us. Or just don't answer and call her when you can. Actions usually speak louder than words. Maybe call her 10m before LO's nap/feed and you'll then have an excuse to hang up?

Should have said, I don't speak to my parents daily but this thread is making me think I need to call more.

If I called my 20 year old daughter daily she'd think I was unhinged.

Well I suppose I'm on the other side to most of you, as my children are now adult. I think the great thing about emails and texting is that I can send a message but there's absolutely no onus on them to reply until they have a bit of free time. We have an agreement that if either of us is busy when a call is made, we say so and there's no offence taken. If any of us sends a message saying "Hey are you alive?" then the other will reply as soon as they can with "Yes, sorry can't talk" or will phone for a chat.

I'm aware I want to talk to them more than they want to talk to me. I'm also aware I phoned my mum and dad once a week - my dad wouldn't usually speak on the phone "Oh I'll put you onto your mum..." - and if the phone box had a queue that day I'd wait another week rather than put myself out to call the next day. But then I'm from a huge family and could've waited three months to call without complaint from my parents.

It's a matter of being kind to each other. I wouldn't call my kids when I knew they were busy. They don't have children, but if they did I'd never call after 5pm - that is really selfish if you can call earlier. However they're kind, too, and know I need to know they're okay every now and again, so if I call they might let it go to voicemail but will usually send a "Sorry, busy" text later.

YANBU at all. My MIL does this, you to see if we're OK and constantly comes up with excuses to "just pop round" drives DH and I insane. She's clearly lonely but when we suggest clubs/activities/voluntary work she could get involved with, we are told "I'm not bored, I've plenty to do", could have fooled me
It was bad enough before but since I've had the baby and am getting no sleep, I don't have the patience for her any more and am worried that one day I will snap and just tell her to piss off.

Another one who understands what likeDylan was getting at.

I have had to tell my mother not to ring me at work, and I don't answer when she does. I know she is lonely and bored since my father died 2 years ago, but I can't handle the frequency or content of the calls when I'm trying to meet a deadline or prepare for a meeting, and neither can my roommates.

I do my best at the weekend-no reproach even on the 3rd call about nothing in particular.

OP contact should suit you both. if it does you will have a better relationship. Being a martyr to someone else's needs never really helps either person.

Thanks for your replies, a real mixed bag and it seems many have it a lot worse than me, whether that's more frequent calls or because your mum is no longer able to call. 5pm is probably the best time she could call, any earlier and I'm usually out or trying to get DD to nap. Any later and we're eating or putting her to bed. Then I cherish an hour or so of peace and quiet after she's gone to bed. So I think I'll just stick to the 5pm calls and be thankful that she cares. Hopefully what I said yesterday will have sunk in and she'll stop the worrying when I don't answer. We'll see. She has been a good mum to me.
I hope that when my DD (and DD2 on the way) is older I can be restrained enough to wait until she calls me when it's convenient for her. If I didn't hear from her after a week I'd call her to check in but I don't ever want her to feel this way. I want her to live her life to the full knowing I'm always there for her when she needs me. And I'll always listen to her and respect her feelings rather than make her feel unreasonable for feeling them.

Likedylan I absolutely was not trying any "dead parent one upmanship" or trump card. I suggested that the OP discuss a more convenient time to call. My DM is not dead, she's dying and it will all come far too soon for her and I, I was merely hoping to assuage any possible future guilt feelings for the OP and to suggest an alternative solution for both of them, from my bitter reality I know that every shitty thing I've ever done or said to my DM is on my mind. I'm sorry I read this thread this morning as I'm in tears and feel sick that someone was suggesting I was using my mum as a trump card, I'm so so so sad

I hate any trump card comment.

Not my finest moment on this or any other thread. Apologies for the offence caused. My language was insensitive and I should have made the point more carefully.

Liney put it far better than I did. I would say that of the people I've lost, I don't miss everything about them. There are many things I do miss about them, but some things they did when they were alive that irked me and i moaned about and I don't miss at all. I wasn't grateful for it when they were alive and I wouldn't expect someone in the same situation now with a living relative behaving in the same way to just suck it up.

Dolores I am really sorry. I was crass and insensitive and I really should have thought about the hurt I could have caused before posting. I deeply regret that phrase.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad Dylan

I think the trump card point was well made.