To get annoyed with my mum calling every day...

[pipnchops]

Feel like a horrible daughter tonight. Somehow my mum has got into this routine, since my DD was born almost two years ago and I no longer work, where she calls me every day at around 5 to see how my day has been. This is fine but if I happen to not answer, if I'm out or I don't hear the phone, then she leaves a message sounding really worried and sends me a text asking if I'm out and if everything is OK. I finally decided enough was enough tonight and said that I don't mind her calling but if I don't answer can she just leave it for that day and call again tomorrow rather than message me and expect a call or message back, unless of course she does need to urgently speak to me. It's annoying when I get the message and it's all a rush to get dinner ready etc and I have to call her back or text her to let her know I'm OK. I wish she'd just assume I'm OK and let me get on with my life. Also I admitted that I don't really feel we need to talk every day as I don't have much to tell her. I'm not one for small talk and it's usually a pretty pointless and boring conversation. (I didn't say that last bit) Well, she was not happy and made me feel really awful for saying this. She lives alone and I think the call gives her something to do. I feel awful. But like I say, I don't mind call but I hate being tied to it every day. AIBU?

if I don't answer my phone, my DM just rings my mobile and maybe my DHs phone until she gets an answer... She does the same with DSis too... In fact she will ring the other daughter as an option too... Because we live near each other, and she is further away, she seems to think we live in each other's pockets and see each other all the time, almost behind her back! Truth is we really don't and can go a week or more without crossing paths or even speaking to each other sometimes. DM also thinks that you shouldn't say you will ring back if someone calls during dinner... Let that gravy congeal and talk to ME now!!

It has come to a head finally this summer and I now don't get very regular calls as we have had huge rows about that and other stuff and she has finally backed off!!! (My DSis still gets the calls though but she is better at managing DMs expectations (eg her all time classic: "I spoke to you at 10.30 last night Mum and it is 7.30am... I have nothing to say as I have literally only slept and done a poo since I last spoke to you!"😂) so she calls but is less demanding and pushy with DSis). TBH WhatsApp has been a total godsend... The 3 of us have a group chat and pictures and short messages keep everyone in the loop and DM reasonable as we both witness her messages and she can't say she hasn't been told things (when she was but hadn't listened as she was too focussed on her own agenda!) & of course she gets all the latest cute DGC pics. She will still ring various phones to get hold of me but at least it is not on a daily basis! It's tough because it is really because they care so much but that doesn't stop it from being utterly stifling but I hope you find a way to manage your DM's expectations soon OP, good luck!

X posted... Crikey OP your DM sounds even more like my DM... My DM talks over me and is very opinionated nowadays... Scarily Daily Mailish though she doesn't read it!! Is she phone literate? Do consider WhatsApp!!

She has an ancient phone so what's app is not an option unfortunately! To be honest I find it hard to find the opportunity to text her back let alone what's app her. Mainly because my little one goes nuts if she sees my phone, wanting to play on it, so it's a bit tricky. Good luck with your mum too, I feel your pain!

dead parent trump card ?!? Lol aren't you a fucking joy

OP It's easy to block numbers or just not answer these days.

Send her a text to preempt her call.

Or Phone when you're in the car so you have an excuse to finish the call when you arrive somewhere.

By all means be annoyed with what sounds like a lonely mothers intrusive calls on your time. That's your right. It would have driven me mad once upon a time too.

Whether I miss mine is of no matter to your situation at all. I expected her to be around for a lot longer and regret not taking the time when I had it.

I'll leave it there and wish you well finding the best solution for you and your DMum.

Likedylan

Here is another one to ponder.

I live in fear of being the DM or DMIL talked about on Mumsnet the way some are described on here. I doubt if I will get it right. I could be her that phones everyday or her that does not bother to phone. One thing I am quite sure of is that I will not get it right.

What an incredibly crass and insensitive thing to say likeDylaninthemovies. Because everyone wants a dead parent to win arguments on mumsnet I'm actually a bit gobsmacked.

My mum used to call every day too, I was OK with it as I love a chat but it annoyed my sister. Now I'm not working and at home with the kids I can see why she did. It gets lonely without any adult company all day. Maybe leave it a couple of days and call her and try and agree better times for her to call going forward.

I look forward to speaking to my parents every day. I normally call in the morning and speak to either mum or dad or both, and they ring me later on. Sometimes it's the other way round. We chat about anything and everything. And we see each other 2 or 3 times a week. They are my best mates as well as my mum and dad.. I'm 51 with an adult family, and they are 79 and 80. We don't "inconvenience" each other by phoning. Same as when I phone my son every evening, we enjoy catching up, even if it's to say have a nice evening, and only for 2 minutes.

I agree with Dylan and I've lost my dad who I miss every day. Is the OP meant to be grateful for these daily calls because her mum is alive? There is a middle ground you know... I hate phone calls so my mum and I text every few days which we're both happy with. We keep close without the pressing urgency of a phonecall, which OP then has to deal with the panic when it goes unanswered! OP shouldn't have to be worrying about not making her mum anxious just because she is busy doing something at their usual call time. Having a dead parent doesn't negate the issues of living ones..

She sounds like mine. If I didn't answer she would ring every 5 minutes until I did, which is bloody annoying when you're feeding/changing a baby, etc.

No idea what the answer is, mine finally stopped it when I went back to work full time. Now she phones 1-2 times a week.

Yanbu.

I think you'll find out one day whether ywbu or not. I really don't think it's that bad. My mum doesn't call for months and even if she called we would have nothing to tell each other.

I wish I could get be you so me advice but my mum is far, far worse

She has called 3 times tidat and texted twice. It is utterly relentless.
I'm 43yrs old and this us has been going on since I was 17. (Guess what? I left home because she was so unbearably suffocating).

I've asked her to stop. I've told her to stop. I've screened my calls for the past 10ytrs and it has made not a bit of difference. Sigh.

If she's genuinely lonely, is there a time that would suit you to call her every day? At least then you are in control.

Having a dead parent doesn't negate the issues of living ones..

Another stupid thing to say. Of course it fucking doesn't - but it does make one considerably more aware and there's a couple of people on this thread who could do with a big old cup of awareness and fucking joined up thinking.

YANBU
My mother has been doing this for years and at a few years older than you, it's got worse ! Ringing 3 times in a row if I don't answer immediately...no text to say what she wants and then she won't answer the phone when I call back. Phones me at tea time when cooking, talks about other people in a vitriolic fashion and her health, criticises me, talks over me and basically there's no point saying anything. She has lots of friends and activities. I dread her calls and have taken to not answering, then calling her back an hour or so later.
I do appreciate that when she dies I may miss these calls but currently, I don't feel that I will. They are intrusive and I feel guilty permanently that I cannot handle her chat.

She sounds like my mum!

My scenario will go something like this...
Calls landline... No answer because we're out
Calls mobile... No answer (not purposefully but probs cos we're busy when out)
Calls husbands mobile...

Answer phone messages left on each.

I've tried asking for her to leave it more than 5 minutes before panicking, her response?

"I worry"

There's no changing her and it's nice to know she cares but it can be suffocating and frustrating when you know this isn't a call you can "leave for later" when you're busy! I think pp are right, we'll miss it when they're not there

It's not stupid at all. Some people always bring that line out but it doesn't take away the problem the OP or anyone is having. I'd say the ones who say that are the ones who need the awareness as they are ignoring the issue and just telling people to be grateful.

My mum has taken to phoning Dh at work after I blanked her phoning me 5 times in the space of half an hour (swapping between landline and mobile). I'd spoken to her the day before and, no, she didn't have any sort of emergency.

After 25 yrs of this I am at a loss what to do. I don't want to go no contact but every single tactic doesn't work.

My mum does this too but she wants to talk at 10pm. When I'm finishing off some work, or eating dinner, or having a shag, or sleeping, or talking to my husband. I have 2 hours a night after the kids go to sleep and my mum would ideally like to talk for 30 minutes of that time every night. I've got her down to every other day but Jesus it's pretty suffocating sometimes. Yanbu.

TheBouquets makes a good point, how can we avoid being that DM or DMIL in the future .................. I hope I have learned enough on Mumsnet to know when to back off from my grown up DC but then no doubt we will be considered uncaring and not wanting to be involved ?