grandparents using a different name.

[Graceflorrick]

Bit of background. My IL's are lovely people and treat their grandchildren equally in terms of presents, attention and love. As their DIL, MIL has always been wonderful and I can't praise her highly enough. However, we live further away than my SIL, so by default PIL spend more time with SIL's DC, babysit more etc. If we lived closer, there is no doubt in my mind they'd spend the same amount of time with my DC.

So having said all that there is one, very small issue. We had DC first and called grandparents by two names, think Grandma, Grandad. SIL then had DC and decided to use different names, think, Nanny and Bampy for example. Absolutely fine, not a problem. However, now the DC are older the grandparents refer to themselves as Nanny and Bampy, not the names my DC call them. In birthday cards instead of using the names my SdC call them, they sign the names SIL's DC use.

I'm worried that as my DC grow up they'll feel less worthy/ important to grandparents, because grandparents only use the names SIL's children use.

Now the AIBU. I've asked my DH to give his mum a call and just ask if it'd be OK to use the names my DC call them in cards, I've said he can explain that as they are heading towards learning to read, it'll be confusing for DC.

My (usually lovely) DH has become very angry and shouted at me. He's told me that he can't ask his parents any such thing and if I force the issue I'll cause a family rift. I feel really upset as I adore his parents, but I also don't want my DC to feel upset/ confused or less important.

Am I being an unreasonable jerk! Please be honest, I feel like I've lost perspective

My sister and I are still sometimes known in the family by the mispronunciations of our names which our little brother came up with over 30 years ago. It's sweet and shows affection. You may start off with a preference (yours being to call PIL Grandmother and Grandfather or whatever, theirs to be known as Bampy and Nanny) but surely it's nice to let your children's choices develop from there. They've been exposed to both options now, let them choose and don't try to steer them with the first-name calling. There is really nothing wrong with you referring to your PIL as one thing, them calling themselves another, and the children choosing, or potentially coming up with a third option. My tiny DN has a unique name for me as she can't say my name properly, and 'auntie' is too big a mouthful for her. I like it and I'm thinking of encouraging her to stick with it. A name that's grown from an affectionate child's usage is so much nicer than a title that's been prescribed by an adult. (Cherrysoup - I like 'Gary'!)

So when your DH talks about his mother to your DC, he is going to refer to her as mum?

I think that will confuse them.

I referred to my grandparents by different names to my (older) cousins. My cousins used the more formal grandparent names. Me and my siblings used the more informal grandparent names. It was this way from the day I was born and my cousins were pre-school age.

Sometimes my grandparents accidentally referred to themselves by the names my cousins used to me and my siblings. My uncle and aunt and cousins always referred to them by the names they used in front of us. My parents, siblings and I always referred to them by the names we used in front of our cousins.

Nobody ever got confused. Not even once

As someone else said children can understand that different people refer to the same person by different names ie the same person may be "Gertrude" to their partner, "Gertie" to their friends, "mum" to their DC, "Grandma" to their grandchildren.

My grandma was known by three different forenames - her proper full first name used by my grandad, a shortened version that sounds nothing like it to a child by her siblings, nieces and nephews, and a completely different name by her friends. This never phased any of her children or grandchildren.

Honestly, OP you're worrying about nothing and I can understand why being asked to deal with this non-problem frustrated your DH. He shouldn't have shouted though.

The grandparents should decide what to be called.

The fact that they're choosing to sign 'Nanny and Bampy' in cards speaks volumes - these are their chosen names. Start using them now when the dc are young enough to adapt.

This is a really odd thread. Glad you are letting it go.

I have to admit I would be pretty pissed off if dh told me I had to tell my parents that they must refer to his preferred names because it would impact the children.

I may not shout but there would definitely be a 'piss off' and /or 'get a grip, they are adults and can call themselves what they want'

It actually sounds like he is very upset by you implying his parents are purposely favouring the other kids. Have you done this before? Or tried to get him to challenge his parents on other none issues?

YANBU to be annoyed - we had the first GC in our family (both sides) and asked each person what they wanted to be called. My MIL was adamant she hated Grandma and came up with a variation of Gran that she was happy with. Our 3 children all use this name, eldest is 6.

So, now there are some cousins around, what do you suppose they call her? Grandma! I am just ffs! I wouldn't care but she chose her bloody name!

I personally think the 1st set of new parents determine the names of grandparents - it's like your first child using daddy and then the next one using papa! Why?!

It's not the end of the world and I certainly wouldn't fall out with my MIL over it but it does give me the silent rage every time I hear anyone call her Grandma!

sounds like sibling rivalry with your dhs over reaction. I like the suggested way of raising it with them by casually mentioning it, although of course that risks having to use 'bampy'. my mil has done this a couple of times with my kids. she has a 'cutesy mispronunciation' name from the cousins, but thats their name for her, and sometimes she refers to herself in cards or in person that way. kids just ignore it. theres no way frankly they are going to start calling her that twee name. I just leave them to it. no need to intervene.

Roll, thank you! I was beginning to think I'm too sensitive! We've found a compromise now and I'm happy to just call them by their names. Personally, I didn't think a quick call to a very lovely, understanding lady who understands potential in-law issues better than most (due to her own experience) would be any issue at all.

Personally, nothing would stop me loving my ILs, but I am literally the only one in my extended friendship group who likes the I MIL. Some actively despise them and shut them out - that isn't who I am at all, but this thread has made me feel really mean

Your OH appears to be losing the plot. Calling grandparents by their first names is very disrespectful unless they specifically ask for it ......as for his solution that resolution is best achieved by withholding contact between grandchildren and grandparents when the name issue appears to be coming from his wife not them is either barking or the act of a control freak.

Oh I feel your pain, we have Grampy, grandpa, great gramps and the list goes on, all chosen by my sil kids. My dh responds in much same way as yours. Out of badness I call them all grandad.

Non-issue for me. Not at all worth getting all worked up about.

Your DH shouldn't have shouted, but how doggedly persistent were you being?

If my DH had ever pushed me to phone my parents over anything so inconsequential he would have been given short shrift.

We never even discussed names for grandparents at all. Nobody got confused, nobody in therapy over it.

Don't overthink it.

Serious over reaction.

I'd juat say to MIL i know kids normally call you Grandmother and you've signed cards as Nanna - would you prefer kids to call you Nanna? Then go with what she wants cos ultimately its her name, not a Competition between you and SIL.

When talking to your dc, use new name and old name interchangably so they get used to it and gradually wean off Grandmother.

My cousins called my Granmpy Grandad. Never bothered me when he referred to himself accidentally by their name to me.

its not exactly hatred of bampy. I have never heard it used so it sounds like a childish made up word from a lisping child who cant say grandad properly then everyone said 'how cute' and it stuck. bleurgh. (bit oversensitive to this as this is exactly the way the word mil tries to foist on us came about). now mumsnet has educated me to it being an actual word, i'd like to say I could tolerate it but I,'m honestly not sure if I could ever use it myself eg "did you have a nice time with nana and bampy?" (although I realise 'nana' sounds ridiculously babyish too but I like it !)

So when you refer to them to your children you will call them by their Christian name? That's just petty and passive aggressive.

They're not even aware they've caused a problem so you're going to make one because you don't agree with your husband or most of the posters so far.

Wtf is wrong with just asking them if they prefer the other names? You don't need to dictate what they do and you can easily have the DC change their reference. It's their call not yours. If the kids don't want to change then so be it, I'm sure you can maturely deal with any queries about names in cards (if the DC even bloody notice!)

Please call them Nana and Bampy, that's clearly what they want. Your children will adjust.

My brother and I were the only ones to call my GM "nana", and we were the first two GC. All the others called her Gran or Grannyname and she always called herself the relevant name for the relevant GC. after a while my DB started calling her Gran instead, which always wound me up as a kid.

But my point is I don't really see why they insist on the same name from all GC

He's going to refer to them as mum and dad, so DC may also call them mum and dad

Very clever . No, I meant (as I'm sure you know), when speaking to the DCs would be say "we're going to see Grandma & Grandpa today" or "we're going to see Nanna & Bampy today"?

While I totally agree that your SIL sounds a tad entitled (refusing to use the chose grandparent names and essentially changing it for your DC as well), your DH's parents are the ones who didn't stop her from doing it (this is our name). Your DH's parents are around them more now so they're bound to hear it more and as they're getting older and it'd be too hard to switch and change between each grandchild's card.

I like your compromise but it could seem a little PA so I do think you need to address it somehow.

You could try calling MIL and saying "I've noticed you keep referring to yourself differently from the names my DC have been using for the last X years when signing cards. Would you like us to stop calling you X and Y? I'm not really comfortable saying those names so is there an alternative we should be using?"

My MIL has chosen the name she would like to be called as has my mother. I'm not sure FIL really cares but I call him Gampa (said in a kiddy voice) when the dogs see him. They get so excited to see him :D My DDad has passed on but he would have been "Pop". My SILs call FIL by (IMO stupid and) different nicknames... it irrationally bugs me but it's probably more because I know they only do it for attention 'cause that's just the kid of people they are

I would be mightily unimpressed if my ds encouraged my grandchildren to call me and dh by our Christian names.

That's just so rude.

Let the kids call them what they like and let the grandparents use what babes they like.

Honestly life too short to stress over shit like this.

Bampy or Bampa is Welsh for Grandad. No need for any eye rolling.

Thinking about it, my children use different words to their cousins. Interestingly their Welsh cousins use Bampa and Gran and mine use Grampa and Grandma. And yes mine are older so had first dibs so to speak.

It is absolutely a non issue, along the same lines as DS1 calling me Mum, the DDs facetiously calling me mother and DS2 using Mummy.