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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

grandparents using a different name.

97 replies

Graceflorrick · 04/09/2016 17:26

Bit of background. My IL's are lovely people and treat their grandchildren equally in terms of presents, attention and love. As their DIL, MIL has always been wonderful and I can't praise her highly enough. However, we live further away than my SIL, so by default PIL spend more time with SIL's DC, babysit more etc. If we lived closer, there is no doubt in my mind they'd spend the same amount of time with my DC.

So having said all that there is one, very small issue. We had DC first and called grandparents by two names, think Grandma, Grandad. SIL then had DC and decided to use different names, think, Nanny and Bampy for example. Absolutely fine, not a problem. However, now the DC are older the grandparents refer to themselves as Nanny and Bampy, not the names my DC call them. In birthday cards instead of using the names my SdC call them, they sign the names SIL's DC use.

I'm worried that as my DC grow up they'll feel less worthy/ important to grandparents, because grandparents only use the names SIL's children use.

Now the AIBU. I've asked my DH to give his mum a call and just ask if it'd be OK to use the names my DC call them in cards, I've said he can explain that as they are heading towards learning to read, it'll be confusing for DC.

My (usually lovely) DH has become very angry and shouted at me. He's told me that he can't ask his parents any such thing and if I force the issue I'll cause a family rift. I feel really upset as I adore his parents, but I also don't want my DC to feel upset/ confused or less important.

Am I being an unreasonable jerk! Please be honest, I feel like I've lost perspective SadBlush

OP posts:
Laiste · 04/09/2016 17:54

They are wonderful people. I wouldn't argue with them over this

This is what has annoyed your DH then. He feels ringing them up with a message from you to tell them to write something specific in cards in future will upset them. And he doesn't want to do it.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 17:56

"Bampy" Hmm

Goingtobeawesome · 04/09/2016 17:58

My MIL ignored my wishes as for what I wanted my children to call her and I did have genuine reasons for it. Made me so sad she didn't care about my feelings.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/09/2016 17:59

I'm going to give some thought to using the other names, or even perhaps allowing DC to call them by their first names like I do. Perhaps that'll be a nice compromise?

That's a really strange solution. I mean that in the nicest way! If you're worried that your DC will soon notice, then just be prepared that when your 5yo asks "Why does X call Grandma Nanny?", you say; "You can call her nanny too, if you like." Then she'll choose. Same for Bampy. Then your children know those names aren't off limits, and won't feel that there are special names that your SIL's children can use, but they can't.

It doesn't seem that strange to me. I mean, "Bampy" is a bit Hmm, but plenty of people want children to call them stranger things. Nanny and Bampy is quite standard, and if people are confused by Bampy, they'll presume the child was trying to say Grampy anyway. It's certainly not unusual enough to raise eyebrows at.

Boysnme · 04/09/2016 18:00

I also think that as the kids get older they won't want to call them that - I know mine wouldn't. I don't think you need to get your kids to stop calling them grandma and grandad just ignore the fact that they don't sign cards that way. Unless of course they have asked you to get them to change what they call them in which case the time for them to have a problem with that was 5 years ago. Also for what it's worth, we had to get our kids to stop calling an auntie auntie after a breakup and it took ages for them to get used to something different and I just got fed up constantly correcting them.

trafalgargal · 04/09/2016 18:00

I think it's a matter of courtesy that you call grandparents by their preferred version. What you grew up with doesn't matter (most parents didn't have the same name for grandparents their partner did anyway so to say it must be what YOU called your grandparents is beyond precious). My MIL Is Austrian so prefers Oma .....according to you I should insist she's called Granny ... If your name was Elizabeth and you preferred to be called Eliza or Lizzie you'd not like it if I insisted on calling you Elizabeth ......would you?

Floralnomad · 04/09/2016 18:02

I think encouraging your DC to call them by their first names will seem really passive aggressive , you do seem to be creating a problem where there really isn't one .

SenecaFalls · 04/09/2016 18:03

Speaking as a grandmother, I think that if they are signing cards with those names, this is a pretty good indicator that they want to be called those names. I would move toward calling them that.

Also, I'm not exactly sure what a "slang" term is for a grandparent.

I chose my own grandparent name, by the way.

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2016 18:05

Boys, I do find the 'nanny and Bampy' a tad difficult. My own upbringing my was formal than his and I find it embarrassing to use slang terminology. Definitely my issue though, not theirs. I'm going to give some thought to using the other names, or even perhaps allowing DC to call them by their first names like I do. Perhaps that'll be a nice compromise?

Um. I would have a big problem with that. My DGC would not be allowed to call me by my first name. And it's not really your decision to make...

WingingItAlways · 04/09/2016 18:08

My parents are known as Granny and Grandad and my in laws are Nanny and Bampy.

All grandchildren use Nan, Nanny, Granny interchangeably for both my mum and mil, we use the Grandad or Bampy to understand which set they're talking about.

If the children are happy to use the same names as your sil than surely it's up to them. Although you may prefer a different name, ultimately it is up to the grandparents and children to sort out names.

By the way, we use Bampy because my fil is welsh and that's what his dad was to my husband. It is essentially a welsh slang word. But it reminds my fil and husband of their dad/Bampy so brings back happy memories.

SenecaFalls · 04/09/2016 18:08

How is "nanny" more slang than "granny"?

AGenie · 04/09/2016 18:09

I think you are quite right to ask and your dh probably just doesn't have the communication skills to know how to address this with his parents. I have the same problem and found this book incredibly helpful:

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Do-You-Want-Laws/dp/0393338533

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/09/2016 18:09

I'm worried that as my DC grow up they'll feel less worthy/ important to grandparents, because grandparents only use the names SIL's children use.

I'm sorry but this is one of the most ridiculous things I've read.

SenecaFalls · 04/09/2016 18:09

Or more slang than "grandma"?

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2016 18:11

My MIL ignored my wishes as for what I wanted my children to call her and I did have genuine reasons for it. Made me so sad she didn't care about my feelings.

Or you about hers?

Original poster
Graceflorrick · 04/09/2016 18:15

My DH has just suggested that we just see his parents less so it won't be an issue and our DC won't feel left out. His exact words were 'shall we just see them at Christmas and on birthdays' Angry Now that's odd, isn't it! Confused

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/09/2016 18:18

No.

He's sounds quite cross/upset.

Olympiathequeen · 04/09/2016 18:18

Total non issue and very very petty.

No excuse for your dh to shout, but I could see his frustration at your trying to control every area of your lives.

Leave it. Forget it. Let your children call them what they like. I'm sure your PIL will respond to whichever name they are called and if your dc call them by the name they obviously prefer then so what?

And just because you insisted that they be called by your preferred names, how do you know that your SIL chose the other names? Were you there when the conversation was had? Maybe nana and gramps (or whatever the real names are) was the choice of PIL?

Original poster
Graceflorrick · 04/09/2016 18:18

I cannot express to you how lovely my MIL is and she didn't speak to her own MIL at all, you literally can't even mention her MIL's name because she hated her so much, so I'm absolutely certain she'd be open to changing the names she writes in cards. Would it be odd for me to have a nice chat with my MiL about my fears over some cake? She's been my MIL for 20 years, we have literally never had a cross word!

OP posts:
notquitegrownup2 · 04/09/2016 18:19

So your kids call them Grandma and Grandpa but they sign themselves Nanny and Bampy?

For a while you call her Grandma-Nanny (or have fun and call her NannyGrannyGrandmaMary - or whatever - for a time) and him Grandpa-Bampy (GrandpaGrampyBambyFred) when you are talking to your kids about them. Do it lots, and if the kids ask, just say that Grandma likes to be called Nanny and Grandpa likes to be Bampy. Your kids will adapt, and your ILS will be happy.

Have fun, enjoy seeing each other and apologise to your dh for having lost sight of the bigger picture. If they are lovely and your relationship with them is good, this isn't worth creating over. If he doesn't immediately apologise to you for shouting, or if you feel this is actually a symptom of Grandparents doing this deliberately as part of sidelining your children, then you have other issues to deal with.

spidey66 · 04/09/2016 18:20

I've not got kids but my siblings do. When the grandkids arrived my mum decided she wanted to be known by them as Nanna (my dad died when the oldest so his only grandchild was 3 months so wasn't an issue there.) Maybe your il's wanted to pick their title?

seven201 · 04/09/2016 18:21

I think if your husband was on board then fine to ask but as he isn't then maybe just let it go. He shouldn't have shouted at you. My MIL insists on being grannie. I absolutely can't stand grannie and will stubbornly forget and write granny but I've decided to not to bring it up.

Original poster
Graceflorrick · 04/09/2016 18:21

I'm 100% certain my SIL chose the names and in the beginning, MIL wanted to stick to the original name but SIL was upset snd therefore, the two sets of names were born.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 04/09/2016 18:21

NannyOgg - I do care about her feelings but this was a particular request, the only one ever asked and she couldn't agree.

OP. Maybe they wrote the names by mistake?

Irelephant · 04/09/2016 18:23

Bit of an over reaction too shout at you Hmm