grandparents using a different name.

[Graceflorrick]

Bit of background. My IL's are lovely people and treat their grandchildren equally in terms of presents, attention and love. As their DIL, MIL has always been wonderful and I can't praise her highly enough. However, we live further away than my SIL, so by default PIL spend more time with SIL's DC, babysit more etc. If we lived closer, there is no doubt in my mind they'd spend the same amount of time with my DC.

So having said all that there is one, very small issue. We had DC first and called grandparents by two names, think Grandma, Grandad. SIL then had DC and decided to use different names, think, Nanny and Bampy for example. Absolutely fine, not a problem. However, now the DC are older the grandparents refer to themselves as Nanny and Bampy, not the names my DC call them. In birthday cards instead of using the names my SdC call them, they sign the names SIL's DC use.

I'm worried that as my DC grow up they'll feel less worthy/ important to grandparents, because grandparents only use the names SIL's children use.

Now the AIBU. I've asked my DH to give his mum a call and just ask if it'd be OK to use the names my DC call them in cards, I've said he can explain that as they are heading towards learning to read, it'll be confusing for DC.

My (usually lovely) DH has become very angry and shouted at me. He's told me that he can't ask his parents any such thing and if I force the issue I'll cause a family rift. I feel really upset as I adore his parents, but I also don't want my DC to feel upset/ confused or less important.

Am I being an unreasonable jerk! Please be honest, I feel like I've lost perspective

Just ask her how she'd like to be known. Next time you are talking, say you've noticed they've changed how they've signed themselves on cards and ask her, genuinely, if they'd like your dcs to call her that. Don't try to steer her in one direction or t'other.

Then you will have your answer and no-one's fallen out. Simples!

Could you say to them, "I've noticed you always sign yourselves like this. Do you prefer those names because if you do would you like us to call you that too to our DC?" If yes, then you gradually change what your DC call them as suggested above. If she says, "Oh no, we must just have written the wrong names" then maybe she will think more carefully signing the next card. Either way, the situation is resolved.

Well they clearly like their alter ego names and feel happier with them than with the ones you have chosen, so surely what they want is more important. I can understand some jealousy on your part of SIL and their closer relationship, and maybe PILs have always secretly disliked your names but went along for the sake of unity, but they clearly like them more.

I am amazed you are making such a fuss.

Frankly I hate grandma and when I get to that age I will ban the name. Sounds like some decrepit 100 year old.

Nanny and Bampy are a bit pathetic.

I wouldnt worry too much, you may find they don't last. Imagine 12 year olds still saying Bampy. Not likely.

Ok, I'm going to let it go and not have a chat with my MIL. I'm also not going to refer to them by any grandparent names, but just call them by their Christian names and let my DC call them whatever they choose. It might be they start using SIL's names naturally. Thanks all for helping me reflect on the situation

I agree with dahlietta you can bring it up conversationally without actually asking them to change what they've done and causing upset.

My ils chose what they wanted to be called and they are called that across the board for all the cousins. They could choose whatever they wanted of course... but within reason... I wasn't ever going to refer to someone as 'Bampy' unless it was led by the children. Those nicknames happen naturally or not at all IMO. Anything else is a bit twee and forced.

Chopping and changing is a bit weird (and a little overthinking in itself) so see why it's bothered you. I think if your children are using to calling them Granddad etc then let them carry on - they can call him Bampy if they want but I don't expect that will last long anyway if the oldest is five. I would carry on referring to them as you always have unless something is said. No harm in what they sign cards, it's not a slight on your children. Just like the other things that come with being a bit closer distance-wise, let it roll off, it doesn't mean anything.

I think you are worrying for nothing. It really, really, really doesn't matter

The thought that it would bother your kids is a bit daft.

Did you come up with the names your kids call you PIL or did your DH.

Your DH shouldn't have shouted though.

u cant let them cal theirgrandparents by their first names?

just not right u would let yor kids do it to u would u

Gabs
My DC call my dad by his first name. It doesn't matter, it's just a name.

Rather than ask her to change, why not just open conversation about it and see if you can gauge your MIL's feelings? Eg. In a jokey way: Does it ever get confusing having so many different identities?, or outright 'I notice you signed those cards from Nan, do you mind that my DC call you Gran?'

Maybe she prefers the new names, maybe she doesn't give a monkey's either way - better to find out the true lie of the land before turning it into an issue by making awkward requests.

Good idea op to leave well alone.

As grandparents we choose what we wanted to be called and to be honest I hate nanny and wouldn't answer to that. Still kids often use their own invented pet names for people so things change.

I sense this is more about your sil issues than your kids or names.

Very sensible to leave it be.

sorry i just cant agree its just a name

u dont call your parents by their christian names usually so why gps?

What hillfarmer said.

Yes I really wouldn't get your kids to call them by their Christian names. That's quite rude.

Getting your children to call them by their names because you (not them, you) are put out that they prefer to be named consistently by their grandchildren and happen to prefer SILs version is extremely petty.

We called my grandad by a pet name that dsis had thought of for him when she was little. My (much younger) cousins stuck with grandpa. He obviously decided that he preferred that and started signing himself grandpa. Never made me feel less appreciated or loved.

See we have different grandparent names to sil, it annoys me when they use the wrong one as it doesn't work for us ( sil has nanny and Poppa county but all grandparents are in same county for us) I mentioned it once and it hasn't happened again ( but there is a history of favouritism of sil's kids)

Just popped back, sorry I seem to have caused confusion. I'm not going to indicate any preference. I'm just going to call them by their Christian names an my DC can choose what they then call them. That could be the current names we use, SIL's names, something entirely organic or Christain names. I'm going to bow out gracefully. My DH can sway it whichever way he chooses

You can't go from saying "Grandma & Grandpa" to "Sylvia & Rodney". That's rude & very PA.

For heaven's sake, just explain that Grandma is sometimes known as Nanna and Grandpa is sometimes known as Bampy! It's so simple. DD is also 5 and perfectly able to understand that her friend Eulalia is also known as Lally sometimes!

And, really, your DCs will start to use the names you use. So even if it's only you saying "Sylvia & Rodney" they will start to copy sooner or later.

Everything we say to our children sways them to some extent, whether we intend it to or not.

Santa, this is my DH's preference. I guess as they're his parents, it's his choice!

Odd, my niece and nephew coped fine with different names for the different grandparents. I think the maternal side pushed the DGC into using certain terms, paternal side, the DGC came up with their own. I think the DGC should choose their own. My teeny cousin calls his dgm 'Gary'. Ever so sweet!

OK. Sounds odd, but if that's how he wants you to play it I don't suppose you have much choice!

Out of interest - do you know which names he'll be using? Maybe he prefers Nanna & Bampy too?

So at the moment is your husband saying 'come on dc, let's go and help Sylvia prune the plum tree.?

He's going to refer to them as mum and dad, so DC may also call them mum and dad