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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give up work and become a housewife?

90 replies

LavenderLedge · 03/09/2016 12:13

I am 40 years old and have a child about to start secondary school. My DH has a relatively well paid job; I currently work term time only. I find my job extremely stressful and during term time my health suffers, I get daily hedaches, my IBS flares up, my eczema flares up, I'm exhausted.

I also do 99% of all the housework - DH will help if I ask but often does a poor job so I find it easier to just do it all myself.

I am seriously considering giving up work so I can just focus on the house and my family. I think my health will improve and I won't be so miserable.

We could manage financially but it would obviously put all the financial pressure on my DH which I fear is unfair.

He's happy for me to give up work but acknowledges it will make things tight for us.

I really don't know what to do. Am I being selfish? I'm sure most people would love to pack in their jobs; am I just being weak and lazy?

OP posts:

RestlessTraveller · 03/09/2016 23:53

Could you look into a change of jobs. Personally I couldn't rely on somebody else for an income.

Didiplanthis · 04/09/2016 08:03

I left a very very stressful job where I was working 45+ hours as part time ( ie part time pay ) working late / weekends etc but was well paid. My health was suffering and my family was only getting the left over bits of me. I now work one day a week ( still 12-15 hours ) obviously income is much lower but our family is much better for it. However I have lost a huge amount of my identity and sense of self worth and am struggling with this. I do have savings but am slowly eating into them as I don't feel my OH should have the full weight of financial responsibility. If you can work part time it may be a better option but ultimately you need to do what works for you and your family. Certainly mine benefit far more from my time and me being in the better emotional place than they did from my money and 'status' but you still need enough to live on.

Kitsandkids · 04/09/2016 08:46

Do you have a spare bedroom and enjoy having children around? Ever thought of fostering?

I'm a foster carer and not allowed to work as anything else by the LA. My boys are now very much part of the family and I think of myself as a SAHM, albeit an incredibly lucky one who gets paid to be one.

My foster children are school age so I have week days free. As well as courses and meetings to do with them I also volunteer in their school, go on hobby type courses, volunteer at a local community centre and go to a weekly social group. I love my life and am the happiest I've ever been.

ginorwine · 04/09/2016 09:07

I have just left a stressful career which I lioved but affected my health - social work .
I feel much much better already and feel I have my life back - I had terrible anxiety due to job pressures and it affected my family . Wish had done years ago
I now do a bit of cleaning for a local company at £8 per hour .
The household us much happier .
I'd say if you can afford it then do it
Gud luck

PGPsabitch · 04/09/2016 09:45

Do what's best for you, your health and family.

Are you a teacher op? You mention term time only. I wondered if you could perhaps tutor instead? That would be your choice and at your pace.

Yanbu to do what's best for you. The only caution I would say would be in earning nothing at all you are in a vulnerable position. Your dh may be great so there's no issue but having witnessed financial abuse of a friend it would make me personally very leery or being 100% money dependent.

Munstermonchgirl · 04/09/2016 09:57

Potentially leaving yourself financially vulnerable is definitely something to consider. Quite apart from abusive situations or potential divorce, you need to make provision for if something awful happened and
Your dh was unable to work.

What will you do about pension provision? You might be entitled to a proportion of your dh's pension if you outlive him, but unless you've got your own pension too, that may well not be enough.

Don't mean to sound morbid but sadly I know quite a few older women who have been bereaved or divorced and had erroneously assumed all their dh's pension would pass to them.

You need to balance living in the moment and enjoying a happy life (which is hugely important ) with longer term security too.

I would advise considering other jobs before just giving up any idea of work, because not every job is going to make you sick and having sleepless nights. I agree you need to get out of your current job

Neither is it an issue of how to fill the day... I'm sure many of us could fill the day quite easily with various hobbies, and also domestic work tends to expand to fill the time available. But that's really a side issue- the important thing is a proper discussion with your dh about the way forward

MuseumOfCurry · 04/09/2016 10:00

What percent of the household income is yours?

londonrach · 04/09/2016 10:00

Do it. If it works for you why not. My mum always said we needed her more in the teens than as a toddler...

MuseumOfCurry · 04/09/2016 10:02

I don't think you need to worry about anyone's opinion on the matter apart from your husband's. It's not as though SAHMs are a novelty!

Mov1ngOn · 04/09/2016 11:22

I am concerned I have no pension other than state pension. Workhouse for me or whatever it will be then!

Lightbulbon · 04/09/2016 11:45

Your dh needs to get his arse in gear!

He either has to get his hands dirty and do the housework or pay a cleaner to do his share.

He's the reason you are ill.

Why doesn't he feel guilty for the appalling way he is treating you??

Wauden · 04/09/2016 17:37

Babyroobs, have you thought about getting your teenagers to help around the house more? They could get paid some money. Or you could say you would give them a lift today if you do this lot of washing and drying. Must be something they could do.

Males especially need to start doing their fair share early on so that they don't go on to leave their partners with all the housework, and the cycle goes on through the generations.

whattheseithakasmean · 04/09/2016 17:42

No wonder your DH would be happy - he gets a full time skivvy at no risk to him. Personally, I hate housework & being a housework would make me feel like a put upon drudge - but I would never tolerate my DH doing fuck all in the house to begin with.

I don't see why you have to spork your pension, earning potential & future security so your DH never has to clean the toilet. Fuck that. Make him pull his weight or get a cleaner.

HormonalHeap · 04/09/2016 18:09

I do voluntary work once a week- 2 children late teens. At the moment there don't seem to be enough hours in the day. Gym 3/4 mornings a week, most days some kind of tradesman in the house, dog walking, meeting friends and cooking (cook from scratch). Dh and I also travel a lot.

DD is now off to uni though and I just know there'll be a gaping big hole in my life. If I had a part time job that I enjoyed, now's the time I think I'd be very grateful.

DiegeticMuch · 04/09/2016 18:50

Your DC is 11, is growing in independence, and is getting to the stage where he'll be going to friends' houses or after-school clubs etc quite a lot - in a year or two he could be coming home at the same time as your husband - so your time alone could amount to 9 or 10 hours, not 6. Could you manage to fill this time without going stir crazy? I'm wondering whether switching to 2 days per week might be a good compromise. You would also retain some fmancial independence that way, and there'd be no gap on your CV.

Don't worry about what people will think though! No one else has a say, it's between you and DH.

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