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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give up work and become a housewife?

90 replies

LavenderLedge · 03/09/2016 12:13

I am 40 years old and have a child about to start secondary school. My DH has a relatively well paid job; I currently work term time only. I find my job extremely stressful and during term time my health suffers, I get daily hedaches, my IBS flares up, my eczema flares up, I'm exhausted.

I also do 99% of all the housework - DH will help if I ask but often does a poor job so I find it easier to just do it all myself.

I am seriously considering giving up work so I can just focus on the house and my family. I think my health will improve and I won't be so miserable.

We could manage financially but it would obviously put all the financial pressure on my DH which I fear is unfair.

He's happy for me to give up work but acknowledges it will make things tight for us.

I really don't know what to do. Am I being selfish? I'm sure most people would love to pack in their jobs; am I just being weak and lazy?

OP posts:

FrustratedFrugal · 03/09/2016 12:43

Do it, but keep your eyes open for other possible jobs. I had a hellish job in 2010-11, my health suffered, and on top of that I had the disastrous housework scenario you describe. I left job, we moved to a new place, I stayed off work on an unpaid leave for a semester healing, getting my life back on track, and helping my children. Then I was offered a new position in a line of work that is much more compatible with family life. Five years on, I really enjoy working, have a good salary, and can afford some help with housework.

allthecarbs · 03/09/2016 12:45

I'm a sahm and it can get very dull. Yes you can visit friends and family, garden etc but it can start to wear thin after a few years.
I might just be projecting though so feel free to ignore me. It's been 6 years of trying to fill the days.

gillybeanz · 03/09/2016 12:45

It's a no brainer, your dc is struggling at school, you enjoy being at home and would maybe fill your time with housework and making the place pretty.
What's to question?
You can manage financially, your dh is in agreement and the improvment to your health would be the most beneficial.

I don't know why people feel guilty at being a sahm, especially in your case when you have worked and done all the housework on top.
You have done 2 jobs throughout this time which has more than made up for stopping work now.

thedogstinks · 03/09/2016 12:45

I did it. I'm bored stiff, 3 years later. So, I'm diving back in.

I did have needy patents for a while, and being the only daughter it kind of fell to me. That's over now, though.

thedogstinks · 03/09/2016 12:46

Patents = parents

DoinItFine · 03/09/2016 12:46

Well if it's OK for your husband to be selfish and lazy by leaving all the housework to you, it can hardly be a cause for complaint if you decide to be lazy and selfish too.

Not that being a housewife is either.

But right now you are doing way more than your share.

If he won't help by treating you and his home with respect, then he'll just have to take on the burden of earning all the money.

If you want a full-time skivvy, that's the deal.

Mov1ngOn · 03/09/2016 12:46

all the carbs - you cant think what to do wtih 6 hours a day?!

Hobbies, exercise, volunteer in the local school, volunteer elsewhere, home projects. Do all the evening/weekend chores to free up evenings and weekends for family leisure time.

My littlest is starting school in September and I have some health issues - I may have 6ish hours work so something to keep my hand in but its not clear and I'm thinking about not persuing work for a bit. In our case I'm not sure its the best idea financially (husband self employed/contractor) but I'd only be able to do a "job" rather than a "career" at t he moment as limited by the kids - so would have to work up again and cope if the worst happened.

harshbuttrue1980 · 03/09/2016 12:47

I wouldn't do this. What will you do when your kids have grown up? It would then be difficult to get another job at your current level. Also, if you get divorced after a few years, the judge would expect you to work as your kids aren't little. You wouldn't get alimony. Then you'd be one of those people complaining that they used to be a professional and now their big, bad ex husband expects them to go to work in Tesco. I think its a bit selfish tbh, and your husband might get fed up. Find a job you like better, but keep your income.

stopgap · 03/09/2016 12:47

I'm surrounded by SAHPs (about sixty percent locally, I would say). My children are still young, so it's obvious what I'm doing all day, but with parents whose children are of school age, I see the following:

Volunteering for the PTA.
Volunteering for local non-profits, usually in a role as rigorous and intellectually demanding as paid employment.
Training for Iron Man triathlons or some other superhuman feat.
Overhauling the house with major renovation projects involving architects, designers etc.
Volunteering for the body that oversees their child's sporting or musical activity.
Going back to college or studying online for an advanced degree.

It's not your average environment (bedroom community of NYC) but I see little evidence of people pottering and cleaning, then putting their feet up and consuming vats of tea while the children are in school. Which sounds quite nice to me, actually 😀

puglife15 · 03/09/2016 12:48

Is there a way you could make your job less stressful? You're not a teacher are you

puglife15 · 03/09/2016 12:50

Could you do consulting / a flexible version of your work to fit school hours on a contract basis? Just to bring a bit of money in and keep your hand in it

Mov1ngOn · 03/09/2016 12:50

Ah sorry - typed before reading the next page that you'd done it. I thought it was a SAHM dig!

It might depend on personality a bit - I'd rather fill my time with things I've chosen to do than work but the work I was doing was v draining. If it was a choice between stimulating, enjoyable work in a positive environment where I felt valued and being at home it would be a different decision I expect. In our case it will make homelife a lot easier and I'm happy to pursue volunteering/ other things. For now anyway. It could change if I wanted to.

DoItTooJulia · 03/09/2016 12:51

You're in a similar position to me. I work TTO. Ds1 just started secondary school. DH who works long hours, so running the house falls to me (DH is good around the house when he's home, he's just not home all that often!).

In my mix though, I have a very poorly DM who lives with us and 3yo ds about to start mornings only pre school. And ds1's school is miles away, so a difficult school run thrown in too. And hospital appointments galore for DM.

I've handed my notice in. I can't do everything that needs doing and my job is stressful. I often work very early or very late (although it's all in super flex, so I can work it to my advantage) and I'm exhausted by 8pm. Literally good for nothing. Weekends are fraught with cleaning, shopping, housework, homework yada yada and I just want to have some normal time!!

Money is going to be very tight. DH is going to be under enormous pressure. But at least I won't feel like we're all living in a house of cards that's ready to collapse at the drop of a hat. And I can support DH more, the kids homework won't be a horrible mad rush.

The proviso is that in going to review next sept and see where we all are.

Best of luck

Mov1ngOn · 03/09/2016 12:51

Pug - I was a teacher - I'm so not doing that again so would end up in a mw job which wont make a difference if i take a few years out!

Xmasbaby11 · 03/09/2016 12:52

If you're tiring yourself out doing housework, would a cleaner help? I assume you could afford one if you could afford to drop your wage completely.

I think in the short term it's fine not to work but I'd worry in the long term about only having one wage.

Wauden · 03/09/2016 12:53

If you can afford it, then do it. You enjoy making the house pretty, you do say, and there would be more time to help with home work for the children. Also, you have elderly parents. The day would soon be full or you could do some voluntary work (if you need to keep more widely socialised and want to help anyway).

Your health is important.

myownprivateidaho · 03/09/2016 12:53

I potentially disagree with the 'hubby not pulling weight' comments as it sounds as if the dh is willing to do housework but does not do it well enough for the op who sounds like she might have high standards (tidy and pretty). But I would agree that it seems like a bad idea to quit work unless the marriage is 100% equal. And if things are tight now, won't they be worse as the dc gets older and likely more expensive? How long is the dc realistically going to want to spend lots of time doing homework with mum? What happens if the op or dh has an expensive health condition in the future (with the nhs going the way it is, ie pretty much good for emergencies only). Sorry personally I would not quit work in these circumstances. I'd get a cleaner in and possibly lower cleaning standards.

OrsonWellsHat · 03/09/2016 12:56

Do what's best for you and your family. It's no ones else's business.

KitKat1985 · 03/09/2016 13:00

From what you've said, I'd find something part-time to do rather than give up work completely (say 15 hours a week). That should free you up with time to do stuff around the house and look after your family more, without completely leaving all the financial responsibility on your DH. The reason I wouldn't give up work completely is that in a few years time once your child is older and your parents have passed away (sorry to be blunt) you may well find yourself at a bit of a loss, and it can be hard to get back into work if you've been out of it for several years. Plus it means things won't be so tight financially so you can enjoy your free time more. When I was on maternity leave a couple of years ago I had a year to fill with very little spare cash to spend, and it does get quite isolating after a while, and it's hard having to watch the pennies all the time.

Bea · 03/09/2016 13:00

Oh my goodness!! If you can... And your dh supports you... Do it!

oldestmumaintheworld · 03/09/2016 13:00

I can understand that you feel stressed with working and having a family, but please do think very carefully and read some of the threads from women whose husbands have left them. You also say that you have very little saved. So I guess I would ask you to consider:

What would you do if anything happened to your husband - died or long-term sickness? Where would the family income come from?
And what will you do when your child leaves home? Children are not at home for very long and you only have another 2 or 3 years of full-time parenting ahead.
Finally, what will you do for a pension? We are all living longer and therefore private pensions have to last longer and the state pension is getting smaller. Even as things stand you will not be entitled to your pension until you are 67, so can your husband afford to pay into a stakeholder for you as well as himself?

Maybe the answer is get a different part-time job and a cleaner. After all know that your child is going to secondary school you don't need to be home for the whole of the school holidays.

puglife15 · 03/09/2016 13:01

My plan for when DC's are at school is to work part time school hours only (maybe 15 hours a week) on a fairly good hourly rate (say £20-30 ph)

Does anyone actually manage this?? It seems most people only manage to secure minimum wage stuff...

Chipsahoy · 03/09/2016 13:03

Another vote for part time. Best thing I ever did. I'm home by 1.10pm every day, still get a wage and paying into NI and pension fun, also means I'm more employable should I need to go back to full time.

Beat decision ever.

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/09/2016 13:05

If you think it will work for you, do it. I would never recommend willingly relying on one wage only, especially not when you've got no savings and money is tight. DH has been ill for a while and chances are he may never be able to work again, so I'm the only wage earner. We have plenty of savings and I'm a high earner, but I still worry constantly about what if something happened to me, how would DH and the kids manage?

Marynary · 03/09/2016 13:08

If it's effecting your health I think it would be a good idea to stop working for a while if you can afford it. Don't worry about what other people think as many (e.g. me) would do the same thing if they could afford it. I wouldn't think of it as a permanent thing at the moment though. I would see it as more of a chance to get off the treadmill and see what you really want to do in life.
Part time works for some people but I personally found the workload didn't reduce anywhere near as much as the pay. It can make you feel a bit resentful really.

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