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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give up work and become a housewife?

90 replies

LavenderLedge · 03/09/2016 12:13

I am 40 years old and have a child about to start secondary school. My DH has a relatively well paid job; I currently work term time only. I find my job extremely stressful and during term time my health suffers, I get daily hedaches, my IBS flares up, my eczema flares up, I'm exhausted.

I also do 99% of all the housework - DH will help if I ask but often does a poor job so I find it easier to just do it all myself.

I am seriously considering giving up work so I can just focus on the house and my family. I think my health will improve and I won't be so miserable.

We could manage financially but it would obviously put all the financial pressure on my DH which I fear is unfair.

He's happy for me to give up work but acknowledges it will make things tight for us.

I really don't know what to do. Am I being selfish? I'm sure most people would love to pack in their jobs; am I just being weak and lazy?

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 03/09/2016 13:09

It wouldn't be the right choice for me personally, but if it works for you and your DH is happy with it, then I say go for it.

Just make sure that you've considered all the implications first - with regard to your finances (current and future), the dynamics of your relationship and the expectations of all concerned.

EssentialHummus · 03/09/2016 13:10

Another one saying see if what you do can be done part-time/freelance/from home, for money reasons and also for your self-worth (rightly or wrongly, mine is hugely tied to having a job).

Could your DP do more/do better around the home? Could you get a cleaner? Get a dishwasher? Or a VA to help with admin? What are the pinchpoints?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/09/2016 13:19

I wouldn't. Get a cleaner in. Maintain your financial independence and start looking for another job if you don't like the one you have - but don't hand over your financial wellbeing to your husband.

HermioneWeasley · 03/09/2016 13:23

Unless you're getting up at 4am, it's not normal to be so exhausted every day that you go to bed at 7pm

There's obviously an underlying health problem. Is your job so stressful that it's causing the headaches, IBS etc?

SpookyPotato · 03/09/2016 13:30

Never worry what people think of you. It's your life, your health and your family.. You have to do whats best for you in this one life that you have. Some people wouldn't feel happy relying on their partners wage which is fine, some of us are happy with it and see it all as the family pot.. It depends what kind of person you are!

pinkmagic1 · 03/09/2016 13:38

I can understand you feeling like this but I wouldn't do it personally as you would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable financial situation.
What if your dh was to become ill, leave or God forbid die?
Like others have said, could you reduce your hours? By keeping in employment you would find it easier to up your hours or find another position. Alternatively could you look for something that would interest you more? From what I can gather your children are older so you could now work term time.

Mypurplecaravan · 03/09/2016 14:45

I'm sole wage earner. It is an immense pressure. The worry of what we would do if I get a serious illness and cannot work. Or if my field of work disappears in the next 40 years....

If I die my family would be better off than if I just became too ill to work in my field thanks to life insurance.

But who knows what is around the corner

ImperialBlether · 03/09/2016 15:00

Are you a teacher, OP? It sounds as though you're just in the wrong job. Why not think of retraining in something less stressful and carrying on working? In seven years' time your son will be leaving home (if he goes to university) and you'll struggle to get into something then. Better to change now.

ImperialBlether · 03/09/2016 15:00

Oh and yes, get a cleaner for a couple of hours a day! If you can't afford that, you can't afford to stop work.

gillybeanz · 03/09/2016 16:34

Life is too short to be doing something you don't have to, especially if you don't want to do it and it affects your health.
My dh is the main bread winner and always has been, he says he has never felt under pressure, but he loves what he does and wouldn't swop it for the world.
We don't have much money but we get by and we aren't motivated by earning lots of money.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 03/09/2016 16:39

I would in a heartbeat. Life is too short. If things prove a bit tight further down the line you can always pick up a bit of part time work doing something mon stressful. Good luck.

BackforGood · 03/09/2016 16:48

You are very young to not be working at all.
I would a) try to investigate possible other jobs
b) investigate part time
c) Pay for a cleaner to come in twice a week, and/or a gardener.

That way, should your dh be unfortunate enough to lose his job, or become too ill to work or whatever, you've still got your job (and up to date skills).

Don't get me wrong, I quite fancy finishing work soon, and could easily fill my time, but I'm hanging on until the dc are no longer financially dependent on us, and the mortgage is paid off.

Ragwort · 03/09/2016 16:57

Think very carefully before giving up work ................ I was a SHAM for many years (I had my first child at 42), for many years we lived comfortably on my DH's salary, he was happy with the arrangement and so was I, had a lovely lifestyle, lots of hobbies and interests to keep my brain working.

But our financial circumstances changed and I found I had to return to work - not easy in your mid 50s, I now do a NMW job ......... there is no way I could get back into the sort of career I used to do. I would never recommend anyone gives up work altogether, you never know what the future holds.

Chottie · 03/09/2016 16:59

I would put my health and family first. You sound like you are really dreading facing another stressful year.

FinderofNeedles · 03/09/2016 17:06

Health (physical and mental) and family are both very important. Life is short. Do it! What's the worst that can happen?

Munstermonchgirl · 03/09/2016 17:08

Something needs to change... But whether the best thing is for you to give up work completely is something you need to talk over very carefully with your dh, considering the longer term implications as well as the immediate future.

It seems very clear that it's the job which is the problem, so personally I would consider a change of job rather than just not working. But then I wouldn't put up with doing 99% of the housework while also working.... Dh and I prefer to share the earning and domestic load.

Ultimately it's up to you and your dh and you shouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks. But take time to talk it though from all angles because giving up work is a big decision

rosesarered9 · 03/09/2016 17:16

Do what works best! In our case it would not make much of a difference if I stopped work. DH earns £14/hour whereas I am on the min wage, he also works 2x the hours.
If you feel it would be more pressure, do all the budgeting stuff etc so he doesn't feel like he does everything.

SolomanDaisy · 03/09/2016 17:17

If you're going to bed at 7 pm every night your family life must be under intolerable strain. When do you see your family? Have you been to the Dr to check for health problems?

Oly5 · 03/09/2016 17:27

There's something wrong OP if you're going to bed at 7pm. I'd definitely go to the GP.
The problem here is your DH not doing enough and a need to change job.
It's up to you of course but be prepared to only work for minimum wage in the future

MrsLindor · 03/09/2016 19:07

I've just been through a divorce, I wouldn't recommend giving up work and depending on a man's income to anyone.

I've been able to buy my ex out of the house and maintain some stability for DD, if I'd not been working we'd have had to move into a rented house and made some drastic changes to our lifestyle.

Woolyback · 03/09/2016 20:20

You don't have to give up work forever. Take a break get on top of things then rethink what you want to do.
I'm nearly 50, single have worked since I was 14 and decided to have my first summer of in nearly 35 years. You would think I was commiting a crime. All anyone asks is have I got a job yet?
I've had a complete rest recharged my batteries and am raring to go again. The house is spotless the freezer full of meals and I'm going to college pt and going to do a ft job.
Other people only criticise your choices because they are jealous.

IonaNE · 03/09/2016 20:57

What would you do all day? 6+ hours every day is a lot of time to fill

allthecarbs · 03/09/2016 22:03

What are you ING at IonaNE?

Babyroobs · 03/09/2016 22:34

I often fantasise about giving up work as my job is stressful and exhausting even though I only work 3 days a week ( sometimes more) , I have 4 kids and even though they are mainly teenagers now they still create a huge amount of work - washing, Ironing, needing lifts everywhere etc. We have talked about me giving up work even though money would be tight at the moment but the main thing stopping me would be the loss of financial independence and the worry that if dh lost his job we would be totally stuffed ! So I carry on exhausted and miserable !!

gillybeanz · 03/09/2016 22:39

what would you do all day?

6 hours is not a long time, it soon goes.
I used to take the kids to school thinking great, all day to do what I want, how the time flies when you're having fun.

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