To be looking forward to DD leaving home for uni? (Sorry, long)

[StillRabbit]

I am utterly at the end of my tether today and would throw DD in the car and dump her at halls right now if I could.

Since her exams finished she hasn't been out of bed before 1pm (often as late as 4pm) except on the few days she wanted to do something and when she was more than happy to expect me to get up and take her to the airport at 5am and pick her up 10 days later at 11.30 pm when I had work as well.

The 10 days she was away were heaven. When she is at home there is food scattered around the house, the bathroom (used by her, DS and visitors) is disgusting (I clean it every day but she smears God only knows what all over the basin and counter tops), pots and pans are dumped with half eaten food, perishable food taken out of the fridge at midnight and left on the side to fester (with the fridge left open too). Shoes, socks, books, paper left scattered all over the house, clothes and underwear dumped in the bathroom. I was hoping to invite friends over for lunch during the holidays (lots of us work term time only) but I am ashamed of how messy the house is. It was spotless when she came back from her holiday but the day after she same home I came back from shopping and just cried...it looked like a bomb had gone off and there was lipstick smeared on the side of the stairs which I have scrubbed and scrubbed but it is still there just at eye level AND she smeared it there on purpose after her brother told her that I'd cleaned all the paintwork while she was away. Her half unpacked suitcase sat on the floor in the dining room for a week until I gave in and took it up to her room, whereupon she moaned about me not giving her time to sort it out.

I am having a party this afternoon so yesterday she went through her room and filled three black sacks of unwanted stuff which she dumped in the hallway. I put them in her room and said they had to stay there until after the party but after I went to bed last night she has dumped them all in back in the hallway. (She has a huge bedroom so no lack of space).

As far as she is concerned she is an adult now and I have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. If I'd spoken to my mother the way she speaks to me I'd have been in hospital!

However, as soon as DH comes home she turns on the charm and if I dare raise her behaviour with him she makes out like I'm crazy.

All I can think of is how utterly blissful it will be to not have her in the house in a couple of weeks time. Only problem is that she will be back for a month in December....

YANBU - and you're being far too nice to her

It's likely that her new housemates will be rather less polite about the whole thing, and she will rapidly find herself on the receiving end of people who don't think her behaviour is ok and are more willing to be vocal about it

I also disagree that it's too late for regime-change before she 's off to Uni. The sooner you make your feelings clear, the better.

I think she needs to be warned that if she doesn't change her actions and her attitudes in the next few weeks you'll be considering not inviting her to come back for the Christmas hols. That should make her sort her shit out pretty sharpish.

She's rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. I doubt any of this is due to anxiety and depression. Just a sense of extreme entitlement and bullying you with empty threats. Don't bloody stand for it!

My eldest was like this.
She soon changed once she had moved out.
My solution was to bag up whatever was left lying about and dumping it on the bed. Her door was to be closed unless room was tidy

Once I realised she relied on me picking her crap up and putting it in her room I started to put the bag in the bin.
She had to rake through the bin twice before she started to take the hint!
The disrespectful attitude is appalling.
I would always tell her not to speak to me in that way, to leave the room till she could be more respectful.

Deliberately smearing lipstick is horrible behaviour.
My 20 yr old DD has SEN and can be hard to deal with, but she would not do that.

She sounds horrible. What a miserable existence in your own home.🙁I'm raging on your behalf. My DD may be like this in 10 years and I'll be sending her on her way if she is.
Hopefully your DD won't be back for December. Sounds like she needs a check up from the neck up.

I bet she doesn't behave like this in a shared house. She wouldn't want to piss her housemates off.

She lives there at your expense... The lipstick is paid for by you. I would be getting a skip bin and throwing her crap in it. Suitcase still in hall? Mustn't need it. Boom! Gone!!! Draws on stairs with lipstick like a toddler? Get all the lipstick - gone. She sounds like a nasty, malicious piece of work and you cringing and crying is not going to help. She will go to uni, and bring this behaviour (and her crap) back with her every vacation. Needs some real-life boundaries or she will never grow up - and a job.

She needs a check up from the neck up

Phoenix do you think it's clever or funny to use derogatory language about a young and vulnerable person who has serious mental health problems? It's not a very mature or kind thing to joke about serious mental health issues you know.

I would point out again that this young woman already has diagnosed anxiety issues. In 2 weeks she is about to leave home on her own for the first time and live the socially pressurised, highly stressful atmosphere of a university fresher's life. She should be shitting herself because anyone in those circumstances would be.

This is not the time to throw her out ot teach her a lesson.

If she's so grown up that she can't be asked to adhere to basic rules/respect for others, then she's grown up enough to fuck off elsewhere

This is how much time my parents would have had for that sort of nonsense --

Deliberately smearing the lipstick.... That is nasty and childish.

I feel for you OP. Mine has come back from uni now, those three years go quickly. My advice, make the most of it while you can.

Seriously, I really do sympathise, you haven't given much background but I'm fully aware that teenagers can change from being biddable and reasonable and respectful - and all the behaviours you and your DP would like to, and may well have seen, in your DD all of her childhood and early teens - to surly and stubborn and enormously entitled. Mine was very well mannered and behaved when he was a teen, now he's lived away it is very hard to house share with him as a young adult.

I would try and not do anything for her. I know its hard, and she sounds very immature. I would just try not to rise to the bait and ignore as much of it as possible (as you were sitting in your clean living room) meanwhile withdrawing financial and practical support but without it being in an angry reactionary way.

Hopefully she will realise how awful she is being later on. Sending to you.

we had this with our daughter. refused to get a part time job, do chores or tidy her room. we didn't have a bedroom and slept in the living room to give her a room. she has disabled siblings and refused to lend a hand ever with anything. we had enough and told her she needed to clean her room so we could at least store some stuff while she was at uni. refused to and told us if we loved her we wouldn't ask her to tidy.
she walked out and we haven't heard from her in a year. over 100 black sacks of rubbish (not her stuff just pure rubbish) came out of her room. we should have put our foot down earlier. we thought we were being nice but we werent

Actually, when she lives under your roof, whether an adult or not, she lives by your rules, especially if you are feeding her. Your DH needs to back you up on this. XH indulged DD1 for years and it almost completely destroyed our relationship and it ruined the marriage. You really don't want that to happen. She sounds like she needs reminding of the house rules and you need to enforce them - or there's the door.

I couldn't wait to get DD2 out of the house to university and really enjoy having my life back. It is nice to have her home for a day or so, but equally lovely when she then goes back. Thankfully, she does not want to return to live at home when she graduates next summer. The option really wasn't open for her to do that anyway. I have the room, just not the inclination, no matter how much I love her.

You haven't got a DD problem you've got a YOU problem
This ^

OP before I retired I was a senior manager in an organisation working with people with serious mental illness. Nothing, and I mean nothing, burned staff out like teenage girls. They would be happier working with any other group and I had to rotate staff and keep a close eye on them when they were working with girls between 16 and 18. They are relentless so don't beat yourself up, don't listen to people blaming you and please hang on in there, it will get easier.

I agree with posters who have said she is probably very scared at the moment, that doesn't excuse her behaviour but it does make it easier to understand.

You have done brilliantly to get to this point, if your husband is coming onside it will help. Good luck and enjoy a few months break and hopefully you will be able to look forward to a nice Christmas break with her.

I thought it was normal teenage laziness until you said she deliberately smeared makeup. What spiteful and very childish behaviour. Drop her at the halls and speed off into the sunset. I feel rather sorry for her new flat mates.

I agree that some people are awful regardless of how they've been brought up, but it's shocking that this girl has been allowed to behave like this and is still doing so at 18. To be totally honest, she sounds like a vindictive little bitch.

I lived with a girl once at uni who was very immature, left a mess everywhere and was a nightmare to live with. She was a decent person, but it was clear that at home she would expect her parents to do absolutely everything for her. She'd lie in bed until the afternoon, then spend the rest of the day lounging around in her dressing gown, making crumbs and and leaving a pile of dirty plates/bowls/mugs/pans/glasses on the floor next to her, which would be left for someone else to clear. I think her parents would probably finish work and come home to find the same scene.

The point is, I honestly could not believe that her parents had allowed her to move out of their home and into the world of living independently, as she clearly did not have the common sense or maturity to deal with being an adult. You have described a person much, much worse than the young woman I lived with.

As much as she might be an adult, you have a responsibility as her mother to care for your daughter, and be considerate of the other people who will come into contact with her over the next few years. From what you've written, this girl has clearly not developed to the point where she can be trusted to behave like a responsible adult, and I'm sure you can see that.

As much as you might be counting down the days until she's out of your hair, I really think you should consider whether you will allow her to move out. She doesn't sound ready and she doesn't sound like she deserves to. Maybe it would be an idea to show her who's in charge and tell her that if she doesn't mature over the next couple of weeks, she won't be able to move out to go to uni. Or even just straight up tell her that she can't be trusted to live away from home and that she will have to defer a year until she's grown up.

She does not sound capable of moving out, and as her mother she is your responsibility.

user what an unrealistic and unhelpful post.

Question for OP, did she tell you that she smeared the lipstick on purpose?

Paying her halls and £200 a month? My goodness. DD1's rent is £600, we pay £250, DBro lends her £100, my mum gives her £100 so there's a £150 a month shortfall on the rent which she takes out of her savings (she did a gap year). She has worked the whole summer to pay for next term's shortfall. She works every holiday. She has to work for her living expenses and reckons she can feed herself on £10- £15 a week. She'd be in heaven with £200 a month!

I go and visit her every few weeks and treat her to a meal and stock up her basics - I'll buy loo roll, washing powder, tea bags, sugar etc for her. But she never expects it and is charming company and genuinely grateful for all our support as she knows what we do pay us a huge stretch for us (she's on a course with fees paid under a government scheme, but no loan available). When she comes home she helps with chores and tidies behind herself and although it does make a bit of extra work having her here, it's lovely having her around.

Your DD is having a mammoth laugh at your expense and you have mug written all over you, I'm afraid. You need to start pointing out that you have no obligation to pay for anything for her - she could be kicked out and told to find a job and her own place to live if you chose - and I'd start expecting a bit of gratitude in return.

I don't think some people on here understand how difficult it can be, parenting a teen when there is suicidal behaviours around.....this can massively change the parenting dynamic...parents can feel like they're treading on egg shells and can't be the parents they normally are, e.g. by applying the normal rules or sanctions as they dare not upset their child as it could result in self harm. I see this all the time as a CAMHS practitioner, and I have a great deal of sympathy for parents in this situation.
I suspect that this is what has set up the parenting dynamic for the OP and her daughter, and unfortunately the daughter has learned to exploit that, and these patterns of behaviour have become established.

OP, I think if what I write here resonates with you, then that can help you work out how to change that dynamic now that self harm is not around for your DD. You have an advantage in that she is leaving for Uni, and you can use this as a time to alter your relationship with her....badge it, if you like, as you and her moving in to a more adult relationship, and with that comes the expectation that she clears up etc after herself as any adult would. Maybe when she is home from Uni on her next break you, her and her Dad can sit down and discuss this. Make it clear that her past behaviours are not on any more, and that if she wants to live in a harmonious home she needs to up her game. She may well mature out of this behaviour with the influence of Uni life, also.
Good luck.

She is at uni? Astonishing considering how immature she is. She is behaving like a badly behaved toddler. What a little cow.

Yes I totally sympathise. I have had arguments with ds. I get fed up with him lolling about but he does do jobs and does not make much mess. He is off to university shortly.

Dd2 is much worse and although she lives away from home she still has stuff here.

I know what you mean about having friends over.

My house is under control now but I wanted to weep earlier in the Summer.

DH undermines me if I ask ds to help.

Similar situation here. My daughter, just returned from summer abroad volunteering. Always works hard and polite to everyone but me. Was under CAMHS and I think I was so scared of MH issues let her get away with disrespectful behaviour. DH turns blind eye which is infuriating.
Love her greatly but she is a brat.
I am not blowing my own trumpet but have been a good parent and have another child who is vastly different.
Very upsetting but hopefully will resolve sooner rather than later. In the mean time I am not dancing to her tune.

*Why is it unkind? Sometimes people need a bit of honesty.

Her daughter has clearly been getting away with being disrespectful, rude and lazy for a long time. This is down to the parents for allowing this.*

She has only behaved like this since she turned 18 which is about four months. Before that she wasn't perfect but she did what she was told to do.

Question for OP, did she tell you that she smeared the lipstick on purpose?

No DS did...