To be looking forward to DD leaving home for uni? (Sorry, long)

[StillRabbit]

I am utterly at the end of my tether today and would throw DD in the car and dump her at halls right now if I could.

Since her exams finished she hasn't been out of bed before 1pm (often as late as 4pm) except on the few days she wanted to do something and when she was more than happy to expect me to get up and take her to the airport at 5am and pick her up 10 days later at 11.30 pm when I had work as well.

The 10 days she was away were heaven. When she is at home there is food scattered around the house, the bathroom (used by her, DS and visitors) is disgusting (I clean it every day but she smears God only knows what all over the basin and counter tops), pots and pans are dumped with half eaten food, perishable food taken out of the fridge at midnight and left on the side to fester (with the fridge left open too). Shoes, socks, books, paper left scattered all over the house, clothes and underwear dumped in the bathroom. I was hoping to invite friends over for lunch during the holidays (lots of us work term time only) but I am ashamed of how messy the house is. It was spotless when she came back from her holiday but the day after she same home I came back from shopping and just cried...it looked like a bomb had gone off and there was lipstick smeared on the side of the stairs which I have scrubbed and scrubbed but it is still there just at eye level AND she smeared it there on purpose after her brother told her that I'd cleaned all the paintwork while she was away. Her half unpacked suitcase sat on the floor in the dining room for a week until I gave in and took it up to her room, whereupon she moaned about me not giving her time to sort it out.

I am having a party this afternoon so yesterday she went through her room and filled three black sacks of unwanted stuff which she dumped in the hallway. I put them in her room and said they had to stay there until after the party but after I went to bed last night she has dumped them all in back in the hallway. (She has a huge bedroom so no lack of space).

As far as she is concerned she is an adult now and I have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. If I'd spoken to my mother the way she speaks to me I'd have been in hospital!

However, as soon as DH comes home she turns on the charm and if I dare raise her behaviour with him she makes out like I'm crazy.

All I can think of is how utterly blissful it will be to not have her in the house in a couple of weeks time. Only problem is that she will be back for a month in December....

My ds has also slept all summer, and leaves his crap around the house. It is also easier to keep it tidy when he is at uni as there isn't a trail of breadcrumbs around the kitchen from where he has sliced bread to make toast! It drives me insane!

Much as I love him, I will be glad when he goes back, and will look forward to seeing him again at Christmas, However, I have felt this holiday that he treats the place like it's his digs as opposed to our home, which does irritate me, especially as we rent abroad, and there is no concept of wear and tear here, so when he bangs the doors I get annoyed as it might cause damage.

Tell her if she doesn't stop now your kicking her out!

She's an adult so she bloody well needs to behave like one,I'm sorry OP but if she trys that entitled little princess(and believe me the last word won't be princess by anyone else)crap at uni she's going to make herself no friends,there's no way anyone else will put up with that crap!

It's ridiculous if your DH is not on your side but if he's not take a bloody picture of what the house looks like before you clean up(because of the mess your daughters made)and then take some pictures of the sodding mess she's making everywhere.Bloody record her if you have to when she's being mouthy,refusing to do things.

With the lipstick on the stairs(and you know that's not normal behaviour right unless your Daughter has an SEN you haven't mentioned,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are asd)have you told your DH what your DS told you about why she did it?If not why not?

She's an adult start treating her like one,don't cook for her,don't wash her clothes,don't pick up after her,don't give her lifts,don't shop for her,stop doing anything for her and if she starts on you tell her she needs to find somewhere else to stay if she can't be civil and live like a fully functioning adult!

Give her a smaller bedroom.

DH isn't aware of the state of the bathroom as he never uses that one, the other mess I try to clear up daily as I can't live with it. He did ask her to move her suitcase several times but as he is at work all day it doesn't really affect him. She is usually up by the time he gets home from work.

The bags of clothes are for the charity shop but I can't take them there before the party as there simply won't be time by the time DH comes back with the car.

I have told DH that I want to stop the allowance we pay her but, she has to pay rent and eat etc. at uni and the tiny amount of loan she qualifies for is decided by DHs income so if we don't give her money she can't go to university.

Dear oh dear.
she sounds like a horrible person. a real pig.
sorry to be harsh, but that's what she is.
She's going to be the arsehole of her halls of residence or flat, or wherever she's going to live.
i'd imagine her housemates will call her every name under the sun, "pig" being the least of it, and will be ready to kill her by hallowe'en.

give her a smaller bedroom

Not an option as we don't have any smaller rooms.

Jesus, she deliberately smeared lipstick? My fairly naughty 5 year-old wouldn't do that. Why did she do it? I think different levels of mess is something you just have to find a way of dealing with when you live with other people, but the lipstick smearing and black bag dumping sounds so vindictive. How is your relationship generally?

she can go to uni. she gets a job. like an adult.

she sounds awful. kick her out and turn her room into something for you!

How about if she wants to go to university she has to pull her weight at home in order to get the allowance to allow her to go? If she won't she can just move out and get a job/live on benefits. She can't really want to go if she won't lift a finger to enable it to happen.

You need to have a serious conversation with your DH and then present a united front. Adults work / contribute - whether paid or unpaid. Why doesn't she have a summer job? Who is paying for her to lie around all day, buy lipsticks and go on holiday? The fact you don't work outside the home in the school holidays probably gives her the impression you are there to do all the stuff in the house. DS worked full-time every holiday, but he was following our pattern. Alarm at 6am, whoever is up first brings the others coffee, then shower and out to work. Obviously at first work takes a bit of getting used to so I wouldn't expect a DC to come home and cook dinner, but plenty would. If things don't change pretty quickly no one will want to share a house with her and employers are likely to view her as a lazy indulged young woman. Yesterday our graduates were discussing the jobs they had done while they were studying and I know one or two combined these with caring for family members. In a few years she will be competing with young people such as these and unless she bucks up her ideas or is totally brilliant she will be found wanting.

Echoing what others have said about you needing to put a stop to this. Start by talking to your husband and ensuring that he backs you up - you can't have your daughter playing you off against each other. His job is to come to an arrangement with you wrt house rules and then to help you maintain them.

It is really sad to be in a position where you can't wait for her to leave and if that continues it can potentially affect your relationship forever. Nip it in the bud while you can. Personally, I would start by making her clean the bathroom after herself, put clothes in the wash etc. Refusal would result in loss of financial support/lifts/washing being done or whatever it is that she wants from you. Stop being a doormat - if my grown up son did what your dd is doing, hell would freeze over before I got up at 5 am to take him to the airport. If your husband thinks she is so bloody marvellous and can do no wrong then let him take her.

Honestly, it does her no favours to let this continue - people at uni who don't love her will soon get fed up with bratty behaviour. You want her to make friends and have a good time!

Tou have to teach her that adulthood comes with responsibilities as well as rights and when she is living in her own house and financially supporting herself, she can live like a slob but she cannot do it in your house.

I would relax about the sleeping all day though, unless you are waking her up to clean up her smeared lipstick . That is normal teen behaviour.

She isn't SEN (DS is but he isn't such hard work) but she was under CAMHS for depression and anxiety. Whenever I put my foot down she gives on about "I have a mental illness" and how "you're lucky I haven't killed myself".

She was referred to CAMHS by her school. One child in her year group did commit suicide, and four that I know of had severe breakdowns (one so bad that he left school and hasn't been able to leave his house for months) so she cites all these as reasons that we can't expect her to behave as we want her to.

When you live in a community, even as an adult, you have to abide by the community rules or live somewhere else. I would sit her down and have an adult to adult chat to her pointing out that adults have responsibilities and ask her whether she wants them as an adult now. I breathed a bit of a sigh of relief when my daughter left home because the atmosphere was horrendous but she moved in with her gran who allowed her to do what she liked and ran round after her as is she was made of porcelain. Consequently when she eventually left home she was completely unready to cope with all the stuff adults need to do around the house. It has taken her years to even get close. Hopefully your daughter will have the chance of other "adults" educating her with the hard facts of life.

My ds was a very slightly less awful example of this unpleasant breed. Our relationship only improved after he moved out. Even though he was studying in the same city we paid towards his accommodation which, since it was a private rental, was 52 weeks a year.

I think some people are shocked that we felt this way- yes, dh agreed- but it was bad for my health and I am born tidy.

He is now in his twenties and after some difficult times we are getting on better than ever before. His gf seems to have had a good influence and he is actually capable of cleaning the kitchen after himself.

You have my full sympathy but you have to take major action because her behaviour is bloody shocking.

She does do all her own laundry and has done for a couple of years as I refused to do it anymore when I realised she couldn't be bothered to put it away when I put it (clean) in her room and just dumped most of it straight back in the hamper!

She doesn't have a Saturday job as working was very harshly frowned on by her school and she was doing four A levels and an AS level. She knows she needs to get a job at university as we will only be paying for her halls and giving her £200 a month which won't cover all her food, books etc and she knows it.

Allowance for what?so that she can lay in bed all day,mouthing of at you,making a mess every where she goes on purpose,having nice holidays,being picked up and run around after!

Come on OP you need to knock this on the head and you need to do it now,you are raising a spoilt little brat and that isn't doing her any favours,she'll think the way she behaves at home is the way she can behave every where only it isn't,let her carry on like this and she'll go through life being disliked and despised by the others around her!

The biggest favour you could do for your daughter is to teach her too be self sufficent,respectful of others and they're property and to be kind!
Right now it doesn't sound like she's any of those things!

I know you've said you have a party today,I'd get that out of the way and try to enjoy it(ignore your Daughters childish behaviour)and then tomorrow come down on her with new rules about how she treats you and everyone else in the house and how she treats the house in general.

She wants an allowance she can sodding well work for it!She picks up all of her own mess,helps with all the housework and laundry,helps with shopping and the gardening and cooks so many meals a week for the whole family!

Give her an ultimatum about each issue and stick to it.

Say to her "unless you take those bags of clothes to your room and leave them there then I will (insert suitable punishment)".

Same goes for cleaning the bathroom. Tell her yes, she is an adult now and therefore has to act like one. If the bathroom doesn't get cleaned, then again a suitable punishment. I would suggest taking away things of hers that you have bought - eg if she has a TV in room or a laptop, then just remove it until she behaves properly.

TBH it sounds like you've let her get away with murder, and this is what happens.

Maybe now that she's off to Uni, it will be time to draw up some different rules for when she comes back (because that will be hard too - they're used to their independence then come back for the holidays with a really bad attitude IME).

Best of luck.

Sleeping all day is fine. Lack of respect for anyone else living in the house is not.

I second throwing out anything that isn't in her room.

Sorry OP but she is, in typical teen fashion, usong everything at her disposal to justify behaving like a brat.
Lots of people have depression and anxiety and it is not a get out of jail free card for bratty behaviour. The fact that kids in her year group suffered is not a legitimate reason to deliberately smear lipstick on your walls. Can you imagine what those poor kids would feel if they realised your dd was using their situations so that she can behave like a toddler?

If she has depression and anxiety then that is horrible and she needs proper help so that she will be able to cope at uni, although I note it isn't affecting her ability to go on holiday and do what suits her. Whay she doesn't need is for everyone to indulge general selfishness.

You're giving her an allowance? ! Then it's your own fault tbh. Even my much younger children don't get pocket money unless they pull their weight. And they don't get screen time until jobs are done.

Stop enabling her!

Today's party is partly for her and (as you can tell what with me being on here) I have gone on strike. I cleaned the house extra thoroughly over the week and then went out yesterday. When I came back the bathroom, kitchen and hall are a mess! I lost my temper and DH started saying that it was okay he could have it just fine in half an hour. So I've told him to do it plus the things I was going to do this morning like cleaning and putting out the garden furniture. I'm sitting in the living room (she hasnt been in here donuts still nice) with Mumsnet and chocolate. He's been at it for quite some time now.... let's see how he likes it.....

The mental illness thing is no excuse. I've suffered from anxiety and depression more or less all my life and lost friends to suicide in my teens/early 20s. And I'm always (fairly!) clean, neat and tidy. In fact, it's all the more important to keep things straightened up when you have MH issues because it helps with your overall wellbeing.

I don't mean to alarm you, but was she ever assessed for BPD?

OP I'm sorry but your daughter is sprouting bollocks I was suicidal in the past when I was a teenager(and for good reason lots of abuse happening to me)and I have several friends that have been suicidal,some did atempt suicide but luckily failed and I've helped quite a few families over the years sometimes it was a parent that was very depressed and had tried and failed to commit suicide other times it was a child.

Not once in all those years through my own experiences and those of my friends and familys that I've helped have I ever heard any of them threaten suicide as a will to get they're own way over something!

I knew one man that did that and he did it to stop his poor girlfriend leaving him,he was using emotional abuse against his own girlfriend to get what he wanted,she stayed for another 2 years and then finally got away.He's fine,he's still a class A arsehole and he still threatens suicide with girlfriends.

He wasn't suicidal he was being a twat to get his own way!

You reap what you sow. Unfortunately you have raised a rude, spoilt brat.

I'm so glad others have told you the same as me and good for you OP going on strike I hope your DH seeing what an actual state she makes of a house you've cleaned before a party that your throwing for her will make your DH see just how shitty your daughters behaviour is!