To be looking forward to DD leaving home for uni? (Sorry, long)

[StillRabbit]

I am utterly at the end of my tether today and would throw DD in the car and dump her at halls right now if I could.

Since her exams finished she hasn't been out of bed before 1pm (often as late as 4pm) except on the few days she wanted to do something and when she was more than happy to expect me to get up and take her to the airport at 5am and pick her up 10 days later at 11.30 pm when I had work as well.

The 10 days she was away were heaven. When she is at home there is food scattered around the house, the bathroom (used by her, DS and visitors) is disgusting (I clean it every day but she smears God only knows what all over the basin and counter tops), pots and pans are dumped with half eaten food, perishable food taken out of the fridge at midnight and left on the side to fester (with the fridge left open too). Shoes, socks, books, paper left scattered all over the house, clothes and underwear dumped in the bathroom. I was hoping to invite friends over for lunch during the holidays (lots of us work term time only) but I am ashamed of how messy the house is. It was spotless when she came back from her holiday but the day after she same home I came back from shopping and just cried...it looked like a bomb had gone off and there was lipstick smeared on the side of the stairs which I have scrubbed and scrubbed but it is still there just at eye level AND she smeared it there on purpose after her brother told her that I'd cleaned all the paintwork while she was away. Her half unpacked suitcase sat on the floor in the dining room for a week until I gave in and took it up to her room, whereupon she moaned about me not giving her time to sort it out.

I am having a party this afternoon so yesterday she went through her room and filled three black sacks of unwanted stuff which she dumped in the hallway. I put them in her room and said they had to stay there until after the party but after I went to bed last night she has dumped them all in back in the hallway. (She has a huge bedroom so no lack of space).

As far as she is concerned she is an adult now and I have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. If I'd spoken to my mother the way she speaks to me I'd have been in hospital!

However, as soon as DH comes home she turns on the charm and if I dare raise her behaviour with him she makes out like I'm crazy.

All I can think of is how utterly blissful it will be to not have her in the house in a couple of weeks time. Only problem is that she will be back for a month in December....

Enjoy your chocolate Rabbit. Why not crank up some music and open a nice bottle of fizz .....

I know it seems odd that she gets an allowance but she had to buy books and pay for course trips etc for her A levels and now she is buying her stuff for uni. She needed new glasses this month (change in prescription) and she doesn't get free dental and prescriptions so she does need a way of paying for those (not to mention the £2500 that has to be paid for uni halls by the end of the month (first tiny student loan payment doesn't come until October). And of course with her being diagnosed with depression and suicidal thoughts do I risk cutting her off financially and having her follow through with her suicide threats.....

You probably only have a couple of weeks left before she goes to uni so it's perhaps not the best time to crack the whip and start a new regime right now. But you could use her leaving for uni as a positive symbol of her now being an adult and being expected to behave like an adult. So when she comes back in the holidays have some new rules:

• no allowance for holiday times. (Term time only financial support)
• no cleaning of her bathroom or tidying of her stuff. Anything left around the house gets binned or dumped in her room
• in return for favours such as lifts to the airport, she contributes with household tasks e.g. a lift to the airport is equivalent to cleaning the fridge

To be honest, as you've said she has previously suffered with anxiety, part of her foul behaviour may be because she is absolutely terrifed about leaving home (but she wont admit that to you). She's clearly worked very hard to get her A levels and into uni, so the lounging around doing fuck all for a few weeks is almost needed and definitely normal.

Until she goes I'd try and pick your battles and ignore as much as you possibly can.

That's very unfair and unkind, Lucy.

My DD suffers from mental health issues. (Many and for a long time)
Google (borderline) personality disorder.....see if it rings any bells for you😕
I went for years enabling similar kinds of behaviour. None that were outright malicious like with the lipstick but constantly running about after her. Expected to do things for her because she is ill.
Yanbu. Much as I love my daughter, her behaviour can be very wearing.

That's very unfair and unkind, Lucy. Yet true. How else would you describe her? Kid smears lipstick deliberately because her db tells her DM cleaned the paintwork. Deliberately leaves bags of rubbish outside her room despite being asked not to. Leaves a suitcase in the dining room for a week then whinges that she's had no time to sort it. Gets out of bed at 4pm!! Why has this been allowed to happen and why is the DH not backing up the mum? I'm afraid I think the child is taking the piss big time, as demonstrated by her mum saying she turns on the charm for dad and makes out mum is crazy. She's not a nice person.

Does she have to go to University? Maybe she's out of her depth and knows she can't manage a degree and a job. Perhaps it would be better if she moved out now and got just a job to support herself? She can always try university next year if she feels it's really for her.

I would love to not clean her bathroom Haffdonga but, unfortunately it is the one that DS uses too (he has ASD and messiness is one of his triggers) and the one where any visitors go to use the loo. The other bathroom is up another flight of stairs and off my bedroom.

Everything else.you (and lots of others) have written is constructive and helpful. Thank you all.

Op my DD had anxiety and depression at 18 so I do empathise with you. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, as I didn't want to upset her and "send her over the edge". Thankfully, whilst my DD was untidy and messy and slept for hours and hours, she wasn't ever rude and disrespectful to me.

She'll be starting uni in a few weeks won't she? she may be very very anxious about this. I know mine was. I would leave your DH and her to it today and tomorrow. Let them sort out the house. Maybe then your H will realise what a pain in the backside she's being.

Gods sake I suffer from anxiety and depression and I don't treat people like shit . My dd is 17 and has worked 30- 35 hours per week for the last 7 weeks. She has one week left off college in which she has no paid work - she can sleep the clock round if she wants, but she wants to get sorted for next term & spend some time with me & her dad ( & the dog 😊). You need to carry on with your disengagement & get dh on board.

I feel your pain op...i have 3 teens and im on my own with them.....they all do nothing in the house or garden...i work and do everything....the older 2 have part time jobs whilst they study so they think once they get home they shouldn't have to help around the house....i am constantly exhausted and fed up x

If you're paying for her halls, and she has a loan, and £200 a month and she'll be home quite often this is how i see it:

Student loan minimum will be more than £1000 each term - for most universities this is end of September until early December.

Let's say three months to be generous.

So for that TERM (she's at home and not paying for things presumably at that time) she will have more than £500 a month.

For a student that's quite enough. And that's without having a job. Unless she's doing something in medical sciences she can get a job. I'd have her looking now.

Sorry you're having trouble with her. I'd be tempted to scream blue murder but apparently that doesn't have the desired effect. Tell her it's hurting you and you're disappointed and ask her why she's doing it - try and have a calm talk with her with your husband backing you up.

Enjoy the party. Don't lift a finger...

I agree with Haffdonga that it's too late for a regime change now.
Grin and bear it until she goes to Uni and accept that, although she says she's an adult now, she has a lot of growing up to do. That crazy lipstick thing sounds like an immature reaction to stress.
I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but instead of demanding (perfectly reasonable) things from your daughter, try doing things for your daughter. I'm not talking about rides to the airport or paying her bills.
Think what you would be stressed about before going away to Uni and ask yourself what would help alleviate those feelings. What can you and your DH do for her to ease her transition to moving out of the house?
If she's anxious about her immediate future, something simple (to you nd me) like "put your suitcase away" is just another straw on the camel's back to her and makes her lash out.
F**k the housework for now. The mess will still be there in 2 weeks.
So what if you have a party and there's some mess? Your guests will get over it.
Then hopefully she'll stay at Uni until December and you can both have a fresh start, but she'll no doubt want to sleep all day then, too.

AGenie I think she can manage a degree and a job and so does her counsellor. Both DH and I actually think she will find university easier than school and her counsellor has told her the same. School was four and a half subjects, 6 hours a day. Uni is one subject (that she loves) and a lot less 'contact' hours. She also hated one of her A Level subjects but dropping it wasn't an option even though her counsellor asked the school - the school insists that they all do four full A Levels even though universities only ever seem to look at three (even the universities we visited told her that she should drop the fourth and concentrate on doing three well).

I don't think not going to Uni is a viable option, we are committed to at least the £250 already paid and the £2500 due in a couple of weeks (paperwork signed) and I don't think she'd be able to get any sort of realistic job. She tried to get a summer job but there just weren't any around (I looked too).

Take note of what rainatnight says about BPD... a lot of what you say sounds a lot like my DD (currently repeating 2nd year at uni :( ), who tells me that she has now been diagnosed with BPD. Have a look on the Mind website for more information. My DD wouldn't have pulled the lipstick stunt, but everything else sounds very familiar. No YANBU - such a difficult situation xx

**If you're paying for her halls, and she has a loan, and £200 a month and she'll be home quite often this is how i see it:

Student loan minimum will be more than £1000 each term - for most universities this is end of September until early December. **

Sorry Foodiefil, we are paying the extra to cover her rent over the top of her loan. Her loan is £3800 per year, halls are £6000. DH is kind of expecting to have to increase the £200 per month but I think we should wait and see. There is a jobs fair at uni during freshers week apparently.

That's very unfair and unkind, Lucy. I'd agree the OP's DD is a nightmare- but I don't agree it's the OP's fault. She has been patient with her for a long time. DD may be able to behave better, or not, she may be capable of thinking of others, or not, we don't know. If the lipstick thing was deliberate though that's very bad behaviour.

If she gets a job in a restaurant or café she will have to clean and wash up under her boss's supervision so she might "get" it.

Living with a person who threatens suicide is absolutely awful. Your relationship with them can never be natural and easy, whether they are your child, sibling, partner, parent...

I understand you OP. It will give you a rest when she's gone. Make a plan with your DH about the next time she's home (show DH how she trashes the place before/after in such a short time?) That is definitely odd behaviour.

I can hear DH and DD having a conversation in the bathroom now. He is pointing out how dirty the basin is and that he knows I cleaned it yesterday because he saw me doing it. She is saying that it doesn't matter as no one will touch the dirt, "they're only going to be washing hands not filling the sink with water for a strip wash" and "of course it's going to get makeup in it, I gave to wash my makeup off somewhere".

DH has pointed out that I take my makeup off at our basin but I either don't get it all over the place or I clean up after me!

Door went BANG!

Consistency,respect and a united front presented by both parents will help you all get through this.
Consistency in how much all members of the family are required to help in the house. Consistency in demands they place on each other.
Respect for each others time,privacy and possessions.
And no daddy's little princess and mummy's little prince. If one parent issues a punishment it is backed completely by the other parent no matter how much whinging and howling it engenders.( discussions between the parents about this can take place at a later date in private)

I wonder why your DH is so disconnected to what is going on in the house when hes not there? Does he not believe you when you tell him ? Does he play down your Dds behaviour even when you tell him exactly what she does? Why isnt he doing the picking up dropping off at inconvenient times?

I will look into the BPD thing. As she is over 18 she has been discharged from CAMHS but when she gets a GP at uni she can ask for a mental health referral. She was on the waiting list here for nearly a year though so not holding out a lot of hope. Her counsellor said she would send some notes to the pastoral team at the uni though.

Why on earth have you tolerated this behaviour until she is eighteen?
You can't tell her what to do because she is an adult?

Imperialblether. Why is it unkind? Sometimes people need a bit of honesty.

Her daughter has clearly been getting away with being disrespectful, rude and lazy for a long time. This is down to the parents for allowing this. The comments her DD made about her own mental health issues are appalling. She is using them as an excuse for,her behaviour and is minimising the seriousness of MH issues. She is being allowed to do this.

I have a DS who is 11 and does not behave like this - he's not allowed. He is expected to clean up after himself, clean his bedroom and talk to people with respect and have good manners.

As someone who has suffered from suicidal thoughts for years on and off - I have never threatened it. It is just that IMHO - a threat.

If she is so unwell she is going to threaten that then she is too unwell to go to uni - perhaps have that discussion with her - how can you fund her going away when she is clearly not well enough to keep herself safe

Please lay off the OP. This may be nothing to do with her parenting.

I have family members and friends with children and teenagers who are similar. There is nothing wrong with their parenting. There are a number of conditions that can cause this.

I massively disagree that it is too late for a regime change now. I think it will do the OP the world of good to put a stop to this sooner rather than later.

Am very pleased to hear that your dh is now experiencing a little bit of what you have had to put up with. This will also be good for you - relationdhips are rarely improved by kids playing one parent off against the other and for one parent to refuse to see it.