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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP should enable me to have a life now DC is at school?

100 replies

mendimoo · 01/09/2016 22:54

I have been home schooling DS who has high functioning autism but this year he will be starting school (going into year 3.) We have 2 year old DD and DP works four days on three days off. I was hoping that on his days off I could go to the gym while DD naps and he looked most put out and said he'd thought we'd be spending time together [in bed]. I haven't had a moment to myself pretty much since DS was born and the thought of getting DD to sleep only to have to go and entertain DP and keep him happy pisses me off. I just want a bit of time and space for me.

When DD starts school I plan to do my PGCE because I've always wanted to be a primary teacher. My friend works at DS' new school and she has offered that I can go in and help in her class any day I'm free (when DP is off to have DD) so I'll have lots of experience before my training to be a teacher. The school offers placements for trainee teachers which could then turn into a job at my DCs school which is a ten mins walk from home - it could work out perfectly. DP is not keen. He is sulking saying he thought DS starting school would mean he'd see more of me, not that I'd use him as a baby sitter while I go off gallavanting leaving him without any down time.

I think he is BU because he goes to the gym on each of his four work days and because the teaching experience is beneficial for our future finances, never mind the babysitting comment. Even with two hours at the gym and three hours helping at school that's still a lot of the day together. AIBU to think he should be willing to enable me to have a life and that he's being selfish to expect me to just spend his days off with him and never have time to myself or do anything for myself?

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 03/09/2016 15:43

babysitting his own kid?

is this because hes not biologically your sons father? hedoesnt feel he should or some bollocks

u say when his parents were there he was up and loking after dd straight away which proves he can do it but chooses not to

Original poster

mendimoo · 03/09/2016 23:15

We had a talk today about him not pulling his weight and leaving every decision and action down to me. He promised improvement. An hour or so later I asked him to pass me a nappy for DD. "Oh no, don't worry, I'll change it for you" Then this evening we were talking about DS starting school and he joked about how he can harass me now DS won't be doing so so much.

He just doesn't get it. At all.

OP posts:

Original poster

mendimoo · 03/09/2016 23:16

Apologies for italics Gail!

OP posts:

Original poster

mendimoo · 03/09/2016 23:16

Apologies for italics fail!

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2016 23:30

Ok, so actions speak louder than words. Next time you're all home together, you say 'I'm off to the gym, see you in a few hours.'

Original poster

mendimoo · 03/09/2016 23:43

I can't leave DS with him, he is autistic and would go in to meltdown. I want to go to the gym while DD is sleeping because otherwise she'd be screaming the house down, too.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2016 23:44

Ok. So next time dd is sleeping and ds is at school, announce you're going to the gym with a cheery wave.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2016 23:46

And if your dd can't spend time with her father alone without screaming, then it's vital you get out so they learn to get on.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/09/2016 23:58

So what if he sulks? You have told him that you are going to the gym and to the school on his days off. Do that. You are writing this like you need him to agree to unlock your chain to let you out of the house.

Why are you doing it while DD naps anyway if it is his day off. Fuck off out of the house all day, like he does. He proved with the ILs that he can do it and knows what he should do, he just choose not to. So remove the choice from him. Go out. Fuck the sulks.

Sn0tnose · 04/09/2016 00:07

To pinch someone else's insult, he's a colossal cunting fucknugget!

He's your partner. He lives with you and the children in a family unit. He's not babysitting. He's caring for the children in his family.

The next time he makes a comment about you spending all your free time in bed with him, tell him that there is not much that is less sexy than having to run around after a man child who contributes fuck all to family life, doesn't support you in your ambitions and has the sexual finess of an oversexed teenage boy desperate to see his first real pair of boobs.

SharonfromEON · 04/09/2016 00:16

I agree with your DD and him will find a way to work...

You are enabling him too..When you were doing picnic he should of been getting DD sorted if not DS too..

DS is living in house so married or not he is a kind of step father and needs to start building bridges..Otherwise there is absolutely no point you been together..

Lorelei76 · 04/09/2016 00:28

He says he can harass you more?
Bloody hell. Leave him, he can hire a fucking harem - literally.

Italiangreyhound · 04/09/2016 00:28

OP he sounds very selfish. Re "He is sulking saying he thought DS starting school would mean he'd see more of me, not that I'd use him as a baby sitter while I go off gallavanting leaving him without any down time."

WELL.. as others have said sulking really? is he 4 or 14 or is he an adult (I know he is).... a baby sitter for his own kids. If he washed up a cup in his own house would be be a cleaner!

And while I go off gallavanting leaving him without any down time. Yes, young lady stop that gallavanting, he sounds a bit older than you, is he very traditional? I think this all sounds very unsatisfactory for you.

I hope you manage to work things out. Please stand up for yourself. As others have said, you have been working as a teaching, home education is tough work, and now you want to share what you've learnt, earn money and advance yourself. For all kinds of reasons. Please be firm and clear, you are an equal partner in the marriage and should not be taken seriously.

Italiangreyhound · 04/09/2016 00:30

mendimoo Re "I can't leave DS with him, he is autistic and would go in to meltdown. I want to go to the gym while DD is sleeping because otherwise she'd be screaming the house down, too."

Why can't you leave the kids with him? Is he incompetant with them, or is it that they see so little of him they are not comfortable around him? My kids are usually much happier to be with me, they se more of me because dh works full time and I only work part time, but they would not have a meltdown with DH and not me. I know your son is on the autistic spectrum so that might explain that but why your dd too?

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2016 00:31

nd he joked about how he can harass me

DontMindMe1 · 04/09/2016 00:55

how is he supposed to learn to look after his kids if you keep making excuses for him?

yes, ds will have a meltdown - and dad has to learn how to deal with them. it will be difficult for you knowing that your dc are crying, but this is your dp's time to step up. if he can't then you may as well cut the dead weight and be a lone parent properly.

Italiangreyhound · 04/09/2016 00:59

mendimoo you said "He just seems useless so I do everything. ...He doesn't do anything unless specifically instructed and even then asks 200 questions and takes so long I may as well have done it myself."

Well, firstly, is he being useless on purpose? But you say not. You said "He cannot pay attention to more than one thing at a time" and you also said he needs to ask a lot of questions to get the picture of what to do.

OK (no offence to anyone, please, I am not saying this to make any assumptions) could your DH also be on the spectrum. I wonder if this may mean you need to take a different approach in getting the information into him that you are a person with needs too.

And "He is genuinely clueless about the DC and about anything to do with them or the home." What would happen if you were unwell, who would feed the kids then?

Also I think he's hoping I'll fall pregnant and be stuck at home for another five years. Are you hoping for another child? If not, you need to make sure he doesn't accidentally get you pregnant!

Katarzyna79 · 04/09/2016 01:07

this is my life right now, it's eerily similar
YANBU

JacquettaWoodville · 04/09/2016 01:11

"Because many of them don't know how to cook themselves. You can't teach what you don't know."

Eh? No one taught me to cook, other than fairly shit domestic science lessons at school, which boys were in too.

I read a recipe, followed it, change the bits that didn't work. I used my uterus for none of that.

OP, he HAS to build a relationship with his DD and DSS where he can handke them. Unless you LTB, of course. Which I think would be a sound plan.

HelenaDove · 04/09/2016 01:12

Or accidentally on purpose get you pregnant.

powershowerforanhour · 04/09/2016 01:17

Buy him an inflatable sex doll. It's all he deserves.

Lightbulbon · 04/09/2016 01:39

Your life will be so much easier and happier one you're a single parent.

RichardBucket · 04/09/2016 11:44

He's disgusting in more ways than one. Leave the bastard.

AppleAndBlackberry · 04/09/2016 12:01

I can see why you do most/all of the care for your DS, but he really needs to do more with DD and get to grips with looking after her on his own, what she eats etc. A day on his own with her would be a good start, or build up to it gradually like you might with a stranger.

PeachBellini123 · 04/09/2016 14:10

Totally agree with AppleandBlackberry. Start by leaving him with dd then gradually build the time up.

However from what you've said would she be in safe hands with him? He seems totally unaware of anyone elses needs...he has to start learning how to look after his own children.

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