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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP should enable me to have a life now DC is at school?

100 replies

mendimoo · 01/09/2016 22:54

I have been home schooling DS who has high functioning autism but this year he will be starting school (going into year 3.) We have 2 year old DD and DP works four days on three days off. I was hoping that on his days off I could go to the gym while DD naps and he looked most put out and said he'd thought we'd be spending time together [in bed]. I haven't had a moment to myself pretty much since DS was born and the thought of getting DD to sleep only to have to go and entertain DP and keep him happy pisses me off. I just want a bit of time and space for me.

When DD starts school I plan to do my PGCE because I've always wanted to be a primary teacher. My friend works at DS' new school and she has offered that I can go in and help in her class any day I'm free (when DP is off to have DD) so I'll have lots of experience before my training to be a teacher. The school offers placements for trainee teachers which could then turn into a job at my DCs school which is a ten mins walk from home - it could work out perfectly. DP is not keen. He is sulking saying he thought DS starting school would mean he'd see more of me, not that I'd use him as a baby sitter while I go off gallavanting leaving him without any down time.

I think he is BU because he goes to the gym on each of his four work days and because the teaching experience is beneficial for our future finances, never mind the babysitting comment. Even with two hours at the gym and three hours helping at school that's still a lot of the day together. AIBU to think he should be willing to enable me to have a life and that he's being selfish to expect me to just spend his days off with him and never have time to myself or do anything for myself?

OP posts:
Blondieblondie · 01/09/2016 23:50

What do you actually get out of this relationship? He sounds horrible and the fact that his priority during your DC nap time is sex makes him seem pretty sleazy to me.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/09/2016 23:52

Ffs do you really need to ask this?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 01/09/2016 23:59

He is hoping you get pregnant I would run a mile now. You are important as well and if he doesn't like it then tell him directly to kiss you're ass.

FurryLippedSquid · 02/09/2016 00:05

Sounds to me like he has a completely unrealistic idea of what another human being wants and needs out of life. OP, you need to sit down with him and set out some rules. I did this with my DH when my eldest was 2 weeks old. I told him that I was happy to do full time childcare from 7-7 Monday-Friday (when he was out of the house at work), but that during the other times we did 50:50.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you are happy to do full time child-care on the four days that he is working, but that on the other three days you each do 50:50 so that both of you get some time off. Parenthood isn't a part-time thing. If you have children you both deserve some time off from both the children and from each other so that you can pursue your own dreams/hobbies etc.

Once you have had this chat you then tell him that you are going to be doing some volunteering as you wish to go back into the workplace and pursue some training to get a new career. Don't ask him - tell him. This is what normal couples do - they support and help each other. It will give him some chance to spend some 'quality' time with his children.

Please do not put off your hopes and dreams as one day it will be too late and you will feel resentful and sad. One day the children will be off your hands full time and then what?

OP, please do not be grateful to this selfish man for any 'babysitting' that he does for his own children. If he refers to it as babysitting then he really is a prat. And do not pander to any sulks he throws. Just ignore. He needs to grow up.

Original poster
mendimoo · 02/09/2016 00:06

I agree that I seem like a doormat. He just seems useless so I do everything. He can't make a picnic because he has no idea what the kids will eat so if I don't do it they won't eat. If we have to be out at a certain time and I'm in the shower, it wouldn't even occur to him to get the kids ready during that time - he will wait for me to do it even if that then means we run late. He doesn't do anything unless specifically instructed and even then asks 200 questions and takes so long I may as well have done it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
mendimoo · 02/09/2016 00:10

He sees it as him being a family man if he's home on his days off and that he's sharing the load. However, he doesn't seem to get that his presence isn't enough and that he needs to actually do something useful. The final straw came last week when PIL were staying and he bounced out of bed with DD in the morning and during the night and was throwing her around playing - that never usually happens and she was completely baffled. Usually he's last up in the morning and 'sleeps through' her waking Hmm

OP posts:
Thingvellir · 02/09/2016 00:12

Oh my goodness, what a twat your DH is! You know he's pretending to be useless so you just do everything dont you?

The idea that he expects you to spend your free time pleasuring him in bed is absolutely awful. Do not get pregnant again with this dick...

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:21

I was going to tell you not to get pregnant you will never have a life with that sloth in your way.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:24

I would just do it leave him with you're daughter and sort yourself out. Honestly what can he do to you.

cestlavielife · 02/09/2016 00:28

He "seems useless ".. he isn't go is he..he has a job he gets paid..he chooses to be useless chooses it so youdo everything..
Of course he can organize a picnic if he chooses...
Ignore his protests Leave him with dd go do your thing.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 02/09/2016 00:30

Oh bloody hell, of course YANBU. Just going by your first post alone - men & sex - they're obsessed. Mine went through a phase of "we've got the house to ourselves..." - well - no, actually, I have things to I want/need to do in the day while the dc are at school. And yes, mostly, it's the normal "getting stuff done" - but some are 'me' things and that's fine.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:34

Tell him you have a head ache and its that time of the month.

Original poster
mendimoo · 02/09/2016 00:36

He isn't pretending to be useless. I've had him do the picnic before and it's crap - he's then had to pay for us to eat out. He is genuinely clueless about the DC and about anything to do with them or the home. He cannot pay attention to more than one thing at a time and seems to spend most of the time planning how to get me into bed which is about the biggest turn off there is.

OP posts:
badg3r · 02/09/2016 00:38

Tell him he needs to learn how to do the basics like feed his kids, put them to bed etc so you are doing him a favour by going out during those times since he looks to you too much for leadership if you are around. Because it's true.

Then tell him fine, you won't go to the gym. But he can't either.

--Then tell him we all think he's a lazy selfish prick.

YANBU OP and you have my sympathies.

LucyBabs · 02/09/2016 00:40

No it's definitely not your fault that he is a massive arsehole! Jesus! You really can't put up with this day in day out. You sound exhausted x
Your dp thought you'd spend his time off having sex? ha fucking ha..
He needs a wake up call mend best of luck Flowers

missingmumxox · 02/09/2016 00:43

Not the normal has he got SN's excuse could it be that your husband is autistic too, he sound like my husband and it's the executive function of the brim they struggle with.
We have got round this by me doing all instructions via text short and sweet no flowery language, works well, he has a plan and he knows the rules life runs more smoothly now, it's also 10 times quicker than a conversation. Once he have the idea he is too the letter.

missingmumxox · 02/09/2016 00:43

Brain not brim

Original poster
mendimoo · 02/09/2016 00:48

No he isn't DS' biological dad. It's not autism, he's just oblivious. He will not make any decisions and has no foresight. It's like having an extra child to account for.

OP posts:
Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:52

Watch cookery shows and programmes with him. Man v Food or Diners and drive ins. He might learn something and try to cook for you. He may develop an imagination. How on earth did he survive before meeting you?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:54

I think mums should teach there sons how to cook and not rely on women to feed them. God forbid he ever had to live on his own he would perish.

Thingvellir · 02/09/2016 00:57

He cannot pay attention to more than one thing at a time and seems to spend most of the time planning how to get me into bed

This statement is contradictory- he can focus single-mindedly on getting you to have sex with him, but is not capable of focussing on performing basic tasks to care for your DC?

I feel for you, but why are you making excuses for his behaviour, which is unacceptable and unfair on you?

HelenaDove · 02/09/2016 00:58

Why cant dads teach their sons how to cook Sunshine.

pinkyredrose · 02/09/2016 01:07

Urgh he sounds like a fucking child, how can you even respect him let alone open your legs for him? You can do so much better, you really can.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 01:08

Why cant dads teach their sons how to cook Sunshine.

Because many of them don't know how to cook themselves. You can't teach what you don't know.

OP, your DH is not unique in his behaviour. You just need to tell you need some 'you' time in order to 'put out'.

Added to the fact that for the last 7 years you haven't been able to do xyz and now you need to think about yourself in order to maintain your sanity.

Absofrigginlootly · 02/09/2016 02:15

How the sweet mother of f* do these waste of space manchild's keep getting women to be with them?!

I've seen so many threads like this recently. Honestly OP you and your DC are worth so much more