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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite annoyed about these childcare requests!

61 replies

SexDrugsAndSausagesrolls · 01/09/2016 08:49

I'm a teacher spending a fantastic amount on childcare, but a number of friends save through the use of family etc (which I don't have locally). They occasionally struggle to find the odd day covered, though it means they have a higher disposable income than me. I don't have this stress, but I pay shitloads not to!

I feel a few friendships lately have been cooled because I've said no to childcare help, surely aibu....

I have a 8m old and I'm on mat leave right now, plus a 3 yr old and 5 yr old so my hands are pretty full.

Request: 7-6 childcare for a teacher friend on an inset day for a 4 and 5 yr old (quite unruly 4 yr old who's never been left with anyone but family), said no as I'm often breastfeeding/ busy and I don't even think I could offer safety. Had visions of her two pushing each other off a trampoline/ squashing in a door whilst I was changing a nappy....

Request 2: One week of after school childcare. 5 yr old boy, hyper and needing a lot of input. Did a few days at the end of last term to help, massively stressful with a baby and I feel like I've done my bit. Just said no, it's a bit much.

Request 3: THREE children 3-8 yrs old, whole day. Said no, it's too much.

Request 4: Inset day again, teacher friend, nursery only do full weeks so doesn't want to pay for only 2 days use this week before term starts proper. Said no, under 1 yr old, I feel looking after other babies need huge amounts of care I can't give with 3 of my own

Request 5/ 6/ 7: School friends for slots here and there. Just been busy and didn't want to rearrange so someone could not have the stress of lugging a child around (I would for job interview/ funeral, ie short notice/ important). I just say no politely now, stopped saying I'm busy as they ask again and again otherwise

I don't think IABU for refusing, but aibu for getting quite annoyed they ASK? I have 3 5 and under, including a baby. Who even thinks in these cases to ask? One of mine even has SEN and struggles quite a bit socially which is bloody obvious they are aware of. I do think it's because I'm a teacher and they think I'm capable/ love kids. Once you've honestly said no, just on the grounds of feeling it's too much, people are always a little off. I do it sometimes, but I'm never going to get it back plus it leaves me housebound as I can only get my own in the car. Some are old/ good friends and it's a little wedge I think I've not dug them out a childcare hole, but I'm sure if their child was injured here running loose whilst I feed a baby to sleep they wouldn't be too happy.

OP posts:
Laiste · 01/09/2016 08:53

Nope, YANBU. They have a brass neck to ask - you'll just have to have the brass neck to say no :)

(Easier said than done i know. I once found myself looking after a drinking buddy's friend's daughter for 3 hours after school every week day. I had 3 under 5 of my own, like you and it was a bloody nightmare from start to finish. Worse to get out of it than to have said no in the first place. You live and learn!)

Nerris · 01/09/2016 08:53

It is not your responsibility to look after other people's children. You were quite right to say no, looking after more than 3 children is a juggling act even if they are your own children!

I would never ask a friend to provide free childcare all day, maybe for an hour if i was desperate.

YANBU

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2016 08:57

Having spent time with three under 5s at the weekend, I'm horrified at your 'friends' asking this. It's rude and presumptuous. You're not a childminder! I'd be telling them to feck off.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 01/09/2016 08:57

Oh my god Shock All those requests! They mustn't think you have a life.

Not your kids. Not your problem. Enjoy your time off with your baby

Bagina · 01/09/2016 08:57

YANBU. Well done for saying no! Even though you don't need to give any reasons; everything you have said is legitimate.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/09/2016 08:58

Of course YANBU!

Who are these people?!

I work full them, and we make make damn sure we have reliable child care in place.

I work from home on Fridays and there have been one or two days - literally - in the last 4 years, when I've needed to call in a favour. I feel terrible when I do it, and then go out of my way to have that friend's DC back over for a play date ASAP.

And I would never ask someone with a baby, let alone 2 small DC and a baby.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 01/09/2016 09:00

Sorry I didn't realise you have 2 older children too.
Enjoy your time off with your baby and your other children!

Original poster
SexDrugsAndSausagesrolls · 01/09/2016 09:03

I've asked a few times for one of mine, whilst another is at hospital appointment but I do pay back well and think carefully who to ask.

It's partly laziness tbh, my three are well used to a bit of neglect and are obviously quite safe as I'm mumsnetting. I tend to take some similar children here and there, but many friends are VERY hands on and constantly interacting. I find unless constantly watched in my not too child proofed home it's very very hard work. Constant checking they close the trampoline zip whilst they get on/ off 10 times a minute, reminding not to play with door, picking the baby up if not watched, not turning taps off. They don't share my expectations, which is fine and they can live how they wish, but I NEED to zone out with tea especially as I'm up half the night at times with a baby.

OP posts:
Geordiegirl79 · 01/09/2016 09:04

Goodness, I barely coped with two under five, let alone three plus other people's! You're not being unreasonable at all.

JacquesHammer · 01/09/2016 09:08

Not sure anyone is being unreasonable.

It's ok for them to ask - that's how you get favours.

It's ok for you to say no - and no-one should get annoyed with you.

flumposie · 01/09/2016 09:10

YANBU I am also a teacher and every holiday am asked to have my neice for a few days (involves her staying as we are in different counties) but my daughter adores her so do it for the girls enjoyment. Have also had friends children when my day off matched an inset day. Am going to start putting my foot down a bit more in future.

Laiste · 01/09/2016 09:10

Yes, i get you re: different vibe when looking after other people's children.

You do have to be more vigilant because they don't know the house/house rules, and you do (well i do) feel like i have to be a bit more of a smiley 'performance parent' so that they have a half way decent time. ''Oh shut up and go and play'' isn't ideal child-minding speak Grin

KoalaDownUnder · 01/09/2016 09:12

YANBU!!

Bloody hell, that's a lot to ask of someone with one baby of her own, let alone the baby and two other young children! Shock

So glad you stand your ground.

(I hate saying no to people, so I would be getting very tired of them asking.)

NataliaOsipova · 01/09/2016 09:13

Good grief! Who are these people who ask you for such things? I've never heard the like of it. You are in no way being unreasonable and they are being hugely unreasonable to ask! Unless it's an agreed and reciprocal arrangement (ie you have them all one day and I'll have them all the other), I think it's a bit cheeky to ask friends with kids to do your childcare unless it's an emergency/medical situation or it's just something like a lift on their way home.

KC225 · 01/09/2016 09:23

Cannot believe anyone would ask when they know you have three under five and one is a baby. Good for you, too many posts on here that leave you screaming 'Stop. SAY NO'

Pimmmms · 01/09/2016 09:24

YANBU - Your DC are far too young for you to easily slot in another few children. The supervision required is far too high. Once they reach around 7 years old i've found they get easier in groups, but even then some children are stll really hard work and I wouldn't want to do it with a toddler in tow.

AlfrescoBalconyWanker · 01/09/2016 09:26

They clearly have you marked as a easy target "coper" - just say you'd love to but your nerves are a bit fried since little Tarquin came to play that time and snapped his leg on the trampoline while you were changing a nappy and you don't want to show your face in A&E so soon amd you're sure they'll understand?

expatinscotland · 01/09/2016 09:29

'Some are old/ good friends and it's a little wedge I think I've not dug them out a childcare hole, '

Then they're arseholes. FFS, these requests are ridiculous! You have 3 under 5. Stand your ground. NO.

The teachers who are are wanting you to cover inset days are extra pisstakers. WTAF? Because one didn't want to pay? Tough shit! No one does.

Just keep saying no.

They are being totally unreasonable. 'Favours' is when you ask for an appointment, emergency, not because you're just fucking tight.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:31

Wow that's piss taking, yanbu at all, you have every right to say no. If they have cooled the friendship because of that, they are no friends your best off without them.

Wdigin2this · 01/09/2016 09:32

Goodness, some people have a nerve dont they?!
It's the whole well, you have 3 anyway, 2 more won't make much difference attitude, that would get me! Plus, it's like they're saying, their time is more important than yours....tell them to get stuffed!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:32

Even if it kids were older, her holidays are hers, she has every right to say no. They can ask, but they have to expect she says no, or offer payment.

Petal40 · 01/09/2016 09:32

Say no...and keep saying no....I've 4 ...I've never asked for any kind of childcare favour ever..I just wouldn't / couldn't ......id be to worried they would ask me to return the favour.....as it is I've a Drs appointment today and my close friend hasn't offered to have my youngest so I can go alone...I've had both of hers many times and fed them.not once has she returned the favour..

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:36

petal what a user, tbf it wod make me think that bit less. As the saying goes: drains take radiators give, your friend is a drain.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:37

Petal I would cut down or stop looking after her kids, hate people like that.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:38

I have never asked someone to look after kids, I am a stahm and pay for holiday clubs if I need a break.

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