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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite annoyed about these childcare requests!

61 replies

SexDrugsAndSausagesrolls · 01/09/2016 08:49

I'm a teacher spending a fantastic amount on childcare, but a number of friends save through the use of family etc (which I don't have locally). They occasionally struggle to find the odd day covered, though it means they have a higher disposable income than me. I don't have this stress, but I pay shitloads not to!

I feel a few friendships lately have been cooled because I've said no to childcare help, surely aibu....

I have a 8m old and I'm on mat leave right now, plus a 3 yr old and 5 yr old so my hands are pretty full.

Request: 7-6 childcare for a teacher friend on an inset day for a 4 and 5 yr old (quite unruly 4 yr old who's never been left with anyone but family), said no as I'm often breastfeeding/ busy and I don't even think I could offer safety. Had visions of her two pushing each other off a trampoline/ squashing in a door whilst I was changing a nappy....

Request 2: One week of after school childcare. 5 yr old boy, hyper and needing a lot of input. Did a few days at the end of last term to help, massively stressful with a baby and I feel like I've done my bit. Just said no, it's a bit much.

Request 3: THREE children 3-8 yrs old, whole day. Said no, it's too much.

Request 4: Inset day again, teacher friend, nursery only do full weeks so doesn't want to pay for only 2 days use this week before term starts proper. Said no, under 1 yr old, I feel looking after other babies need huge amounts of care I can't give with 3 of my own

Request 5/ 6/ 7: School friends for slots here and there. Just been busy and didn't want to rearrange so someone could not have the stress of lugging a child around (I would for job interview/ funeral, ie short notice/ important). I just say no politely now, stopped saying I'm busy as they ask again and again otherwise

I don't think IABU for refusing, but aibu for getting quite annoyed they ASK? I have 3 5 and under, including a baby. Who even thinks in these cases to ask? One of mine even has SEN and struggles quite a bit socially which is bloody obvious they are aware of. I do think it's because I'm a teacher and they think I'm capable/ love kids. Once you've honestly said no, just on the grounds of feeling it's too much, people are always a little off. I do it sometimes, but I'm never going to get it back plus it leaves me housebound as I can only get my own in the car. Some are old/ good friends and it's a little wedge I think I've not dug them out a childcare hole, but I'm sure if their child was injured here running loose whilst I feed a baby to sleep they wouldn't be too happy.

OP posts:
WhirlwindHugs · 01/09/2016 09:40

I would be annoyed!

I think the only time I actually babysat with my 3 under 5 my friend was literally in a coma. And I had extra adults to help. I was very happy to do it - no way would I have just because someone didn't want to pay childcare.

expatinscotland · 01/09/2016 09:43

Start declining her, Petal.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 01/09/2016 09:45

I'm shocked they are asking someone with a baby to babysit several kids! I think you need to bring out the big guns op. You should be frosty with them not the other way round!

beginnersewer · 01/09/2016 09:48

Can't believe people have even asked, unless you've offered or they've had yours first.
I see the pp's point about not getting favours unless you ask but a reasonable initial request is (as my friend with no local family did recently) 'I've got a doctor's appointment, I'm really really sorry to ask but could you mind mine for half an hour, I'll send drinks, snacks and his favourite dvd and I'll have babysewer if you need it sometime'. Not 'please can you have my multiple kids 8-6 because I haven't organised anything for the inset day I knew about in advance.'

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:52

The only time that someone looked after my kids was when dd was a baby and I had PND, and my really good friend OFFERED to take her, and wanted to. Now she has her own grandkids and does not, but that's fine. I have also looked after friends kids if needs be, hospital, doctors appointment etc. My other really good friend helped look after dd when I was in hospital having ds as I have no family near, they are abroad. That was 5 years ago, and since then, we do it ourselves or pay for holidayclubs or babysitter.

QueenEnid · 01/09/2016 09:52

YADNBU. I have my first on the way but have a friend who I used to help out on a Saturday when she had to work and her ExH found life too difficult to look after his son Angry

It came to a stop though when she started asking me to take a day off in the week and use my Flexi days as it was too much to ask him to help and she couldn't be bothered with the hassle. She's a good friend and I like her a lot and her son is lovely, but I'm not the first go to for childcare and her ExH was told directly by me that he needed to fucking step up to the mark. (We don't get on! Surprise!)

Interestingly, he started stepping up more and I've not been asked in ages!

Bobochic · 01/09/2016 09:54

You need to be very assertive. Of course you do not want to take care of other people's DC while they work!

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:55

That's great Queen, you do have to be assertive with people.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 09:56

DD has Autism, and learning difficulties and dev delay, so my friends help in the early years when we did not know what was happening was a lifeline, and stopped me from falling apart. Dd is 9 now, and has settled down, I have respite hours from SS to help, and I pay for my son to go to holiday club if I need a break.

MidniteScribbler · 01/09/2016 09:57

Ahh yes, I know this well. Apparently because I am a teacher I want to spend all of my holidays looking after other people's kids as well. I've even had parents of students try to convince me to look after their kids on the holidays! No! Fuck off!

5moreminutes · 01/09/2016 09:58

YANBU

I'm with you on the type of kids though OP, and that is what it is hard to explain to the parents about, so you end up just saying no, it's too much, when actually it's more "no, your particular child is hard work" Shock but you can't say that can you?

There are some kids who just slot in, especially if they are good friends with one of yours and they are used to not being micromanaged, others are a blimin nightmare to look after if you are not being paid to be Mary Poppins because their parents have created monsters by never giving the child boundaries and / or time to entertain themselves.

Sootica · 01/09/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeridianB · 01/09/2016 10:29

I too am amazed that people would ask when you have two little ones and a baby.

I suspect that if anything happened to their child when in your care, they would be the first to go nuts about supervision so avoiding for that reason makes sense, quite apart from anything else.

Original poster
SexDrugsAndSausagesrolls · 01/09/2016 10:36

To the poster who mentioned having help due to delays/ autism. One of mine has delays/ social com needs! Some kids they ignore without leaving their own little world and its fine, but the day I started saying 'No, I'm busy' was after the shit school friend who spent hours calling him 'poo bum', chasing and causing meltdowns and mum was not 'five minutes' away when I rang to demand early collection but TWO HOURS away. If DH hadn't come home by chance and shouted them into submission I may have actually ended up in a police station being questioned....

It really changed me, I was a pushover before this.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2016 10:52

That is awful, some people take the michael :-(

Avebury · 01/09/2016 11:01

Not being unreasonable at all especially when your own are so small. I live opposite my eldest's school and am dreading term starting again because of the constant 3pm texts I get 'Running late can you grab DC for me'.

5/10 mins where I can collect DC and we'll just hover in the playground is fine as are proper emergencies even of the 'waiting in for a parcel that still hasn't arrived' type but towards the end of last year I was regularly ending up with extra DC til gone 6.

Even worse some of these people I would count far more as acquaintances than friends. Really need to be more assertive this year.

Farmmummy · 01/09/2016 23:05

I could understand it in the oh help I've just cut off an arm/leg and have to to to a&e please watch Dc until my DM can collect in an hour kind of emergency other than that yadnbu!!

Farmmummy · 01/09/2016 23:05

To go to

AndNowItsSeven · 01/09/2016 23:09

I think I live in a different world to most mumsnetters. The friends I have all watch each other's dc. I have seven dc , can always find a babysitter and often watch my friends dc so have 11 children in total.
If I am looking after my own extra dc don't change anything.

cansu · 01/09/2016 23:13

I think it's ok to ask and it's perfectly ok to say no. I would continue to assess each request on the grounds of whether you can cope with it and also whether the friend is a piss taker or a genuine friend in need. I would always try to help someone who I felt had asked me as a last resort and was struggling. Those who were just trying to avoid paying for after school club etc I would say no to. Friends do favours for each other and I guess you might need some favours when you are back at work. I can always remember phoning a friend to help me when I realised i had forgotten a work meeting and would not be able to collect my dd or would have to speak to my boss in a new role. She drove out of her way at v short notice to collect and take care of my dd. She is lovely and I think she did it knowing that I would never take the piss and also truly appreciate her.

GreenAndYellow · 01/09/2016 23:31

If you were a childminding, you would have to say no some these requests!

Childminders can look after a maximum of six children who are under eight years old (including their own). Only three of these can be under five, and only one can be a baby.

It might be worth pointing this out, especially to your teacher friends.

gabsdot · 01/09/2016 23:35

I think you're brilliant for saying no to all those requests!!!
Good for you.

InionEile · 01/09/2016 23:38

An hour here or there might be ok e.g. watching kids after school for a bit but full day care for more than 1 kid plus your own is ridiculous! I hope they were at least polite enough to offer to return the favor.

Zippydoodah · 01/09/2016 23:54

I'd never ask anyone with three kids, one a baby, to have mine. I organise my working hours around the school, get paid a lot less than other working mums who could well afford childcare. I feel as if they're bettering themselves in their careers at my expense.

I used to get this a lot when dc were tiny as they knew I was around. One even hinted I needed to get her dc out all day when dh was unemployed and I had a baby who needed naps

CodyKing · 02/09/2016 00:15

Definitely depends on the kids - some make your life easier by entertaining yours - others are soooooo demanding and picky !!

I always say no to the lucky ones. It's not my place to sort them out -

Kids who get on with just fine

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