MIL

[bustifer]

I would like some views on a situation I have allowed to happen over my 14 year relationship with my DH. His mother takes over. We have 2DSs which she minds 4 days out of five. We have attempted to give boundaries and ask things are done our way. She just ignores us. She also invades my privacy on a daily basis doing laundry and ironing which she goes into our bedroom to get. I have repeatedly asked her not to but I get ignored and have given up. She also buys too much for the children and generally takes over my role as mother and makes me feel undermined. I have taken a period off work to sort this out. Her reaction to this is not positive. I do have support from DH. Any advice would be much appreciated

Put your DC into nursery!

Paid childcare

What usual said.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Hi, I know that sounds very sensible but I don't want to offend her! Although as DH says she is offending me on a daily basis

What a cow. Looks after your children, buys presents and does your ironing.....

How very dare you.

Paid childcare is your solution.

Agree with PP, the only way to resolve this is paid childcare.

Or move far far away....................

I assume she has a key to your house? Get the locks changed. You need to assert boundaries so that you can hopefully revert to a "normal" relationship where she is an active and involved GP without becoming overbearing. Sadly, many people like this are unable to sustain relationships once boundaries are imposed

She's offending you by looking after your children and doing your housework??

Does this mean you win the coveted Mumsnet MIL award?

Get a lock for your door! Keep the free childcare!

Wow
Op send your mil my way I will test her childcare and laundry mettle and let you know how offended I am this may take years to test
Let's be honest mil isn't the problem your are feeling usurped by the fact she can spend all that time with your Dc and you can't. It's called jealousy and trust me this is nothing compared to when they start school and "miss says" rules every conversation and she doesn't even do your washing

OP how does she undermine you?

Its about boundaries not hating someone if I ask someone not to do something and they do it anyway that is wrong doesn't matter if they think its right or even to my benefit if I choose to do it myself and I'm of sound mind and able to do it for myself I should be respected

Pay for childcare remove your key take charge of your own life

Sadly Sopiestew you may be right. I have tried to set boundaries it just hasn't worked. Paid childcare will kill her and most likely irreparably damage the relationship with DH and DSs

I can't see the problem here. I think you feel usurped as the mother. If you want boundaries in then don't have her over at your house full stop!!

I sympathise OP. Mine is exactly the same. I bloody luffs her

You have to use paid childcare. To be frank she is replacing you 4 days a week with childcare and laundry duties and paying for childcare is the only way you'll sort it

OP is your issue that you feel she still sees and treats your dh (and you by extension ) as a child, and in seeing you as a child you feel that she is assuming your role of mother within your family unit?

Mumsnet convention dictates I say you have a dh problem btw

Thank you all for the feedback it's helpful

Very perceptive sophienipples. I am swimming in a lot of issues but need to distance her initially to sort those then assess what I am happy for her to do and not do. At present she is in a big huff. I not against paid care we've had it in the past.

Is this a reverse?

op you can't have one with out the other.

If you want her doing child care she will continue to undermine you as she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. In fact she probably feels you owe her and that she is doing you a massive favour - which she is, so if she wants to pick your dirty knickers and Bras up - she will, after all she is the alpha female in the family as you all need her so much.

You can't expect her to respect you or your boundries if you don't want to offend her. She clearly thinks what you say is nonsence. Wait until the kids get older and she starts to show them who the 'real' mother boss is. That's when they start disrespecting you too OR being in massive conflict of who to listen to.

Get your own child care, use the excuse it's because you want them to enjoy the interaction with the other children and the facilities thry have.

Pretend that you have lost your key and you need hers till you get a replacement of she has a key to your house.

or just keep your mouth shut and silently moan about it in your head while every one else is happy!

No not a reverse. What I would like is for her to stick to the boundaries. And those are stop doing housework and spend the time with the kids. I really don't want her to lose the contact but if I can't get the boundaries laid then paid care will be the only option. I really don't know why any one would want there mother or MIL poking around their bedroom and underwear drawer.
I think I am now so over sensitive to it anything she does grates even the wee things a GP should be doing.