MIL

[bustifer]

I would like some views on a situation I have allowed to happen over my 14 year relationship with my DH. His mother takes over. We have 2DSs which she minds 4 days out of five. We have attempted to give boundaries and ask things are done our way. She just ignores us. She also invades my privacy on a daily basis doing laundry and ironing which she goes into our bedroom to get. I have repeatedly asked her not to but I get ignored and have given up. She also buys too much for the children and generally takes over my role as mother and makes me feel undermined. I have taken a period off work to sort this out. Her reaction to this is not positive. I do have support from DH. Any advice would be much appreciated

TheSparrowhawk, he will do.
And yes the dildo idea has crossed my mind! Maybe that and a few choice publications!

bustifer I sort of get where you are coming from. MIL does our childcare too and would be mortally offended and probably ruin our relationship if we opted for paid childcare. She also buys 'supplies' for the children.

However, where we differ is that my MIL does her caring in her own home and she doesn't have a key to ours. This means the supplies she buys for DC are kept in her home.

I don't know if she would overstep the mark by 'being helpful' but creating a defined space where her rules are in play and an obvious one where ours are makes the whole relationship work really well. The children get that different rules apply in different locations too so don't try the "buy nanny lets me"

Maybe a similar set up could work for you. Not sure how you'd sell it to her, perhaps alluding to the disharmony having another woman being dominant in your home causes could work without making her feel excluded.

Good luck!

Paid childcare.

Have no advice beyond paid childcare but feel your pain MIL is on holiday with us at the moment and my jaw aches from not telling her to butt out. If dd1 starts a question with "Mummy" she probably wants or needs me to answer her, also if I'm telling her off don't say well it is tricky to behave. Only 3 more days to go....... btw DP is not the problem here before anyone suggests he is

My DM does my washing and ironing and does childcare and even pays for kids clothes and shoes etc. I don't begrudge her at all. MIL often now and again does my ironing. It's a massive help. I would much rather spend my days off with my kids than doing a week's worth of chores.

At the end of the week you have basket lads of washing and ironing as well as two DSs. What would you rather do?

Heard it all now

Pay for your childcare if you're so offended

Ummm I hate the comments about paid child care, on the other hand there are people out there not lucky enough to have GC and would do anything to have one and do anything for one,...this paid child care works both ways.

YES its impt the care givers does as the parents ask, its totally dis respectful to do things other wise.

anna the world may be divided into two people revived the help but its also divided on those giving it - the

" the poor loves, working hard, with small DC I have time I will help them out and do some washing for them....."

and the

" This dil is dirty, she doesnt do any washing or cleaning properly for my pooor darling DS, the dirty cow, I had better step in here to help out...."

OP would rather pay for child care, her MIL won't have it. Her MIL is upset because OP has not gone to work and handed over her children.
I'm not getting the indignation at the OP tbh, she currently has no choice in who cares for her children or how and is not being made to feel guilty for daring to care for them herself rendering poor selfless MIL redundant.
I speak as someone who utterly adores her MIL and couldn't live without her, because she's ace and wouldn't dream of behaving like a dick.

Stop being worried about how she'll react if you use alternative childcare OP. Just do it, tell her your plans and stick to it. Maybe let her have one or two days a week looking after them as a compromise, on the condition that she stops being a knob and rifling through your grundies.

I think quite a few PP are missing the point- the fact they would like someone to do their washing etc is irrelevant. OP clearly finds her MIL going into her bedroom, through her dirty washing and drawers etc uncomfortable and has asked her MIL to stop doing it. Her MIL continues to do these things anyway- that is not a nice or helpful thing to do and shows a lack of respect for OP. She's treating OP like a child. The fact it happens in her own home just compounds things. I wouldn't like my MIL to do this either and if she continued doing it despite being asked not to, I would be very annoyed.

Also suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and MIL can be difficult towards OP in other ways.

justgive you are quite right, the OP's MIL may well be genuinely trying to help out of the goodness of her heart. It may come from a place of love.

But however well intentioned, it's not respectful.

You can't walk into another adult's home, and continue to do things they have specifically asked you not to do without causing trouble.

Just a wee update.
Thanks for all the comments, really useful. There some very perceptive pp out there.
I am on the road to resolution my DH has stepped in and set clear boundaries with mil and I am taking time off work in the short term. Mil is then off on 3 month holiday which will give us all breathing space. After that there will be a mix of mil and paid child care and clear boundaries.
Any failure to adhere and it'll be full time care.

I'm pleased you've found a resolution OP. Fingers crossed

Brilliant. Keep firm! !

You're getting there. Use her 3 months away to really reestablish boundaries - that is a gift right there!

I have nothing much to add accept you aren't alone. I get it, 'helpful' MIL sounds amazing, but the reality is very different.

You're going to have to offend her if you want anything to change. Unfortunately there's no way to win this if winning means keeping everyone happy.

All you can do is do whatever you need to do as pleasantly as you can. Resign yourself to sulking.