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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL

66 replies

bustifer · 31/08/2016 18:57

I would like some views on a situation I have allowed to happen over my 14 year relationship with my DH. His mother takes over. We have 2DSs which she minds 4 days out of five. We have attempted to give boundaries and ask things are done our way. She just ignores us. She also invades my privacy on a daily basis doing laundry and ironing which she goes into our bedroom to get. I have repeatedly asked her not to but I get ignored and have given up. She also buys too much for the children and generally takes over my role as mother and makes me feel undermined. I have taken a period off work to sort this out. Her reaction to this is not positive. I do have support from DH. Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
ConvincingLiar · 31/08/2016 19:56

Can she look after them at her house instead of yours?

Absofrigginlootly · 31/08/2016 20:00

Put a key lock on your bedroom door or leave out a pile of laundry she's ok to do if she insists.... As a short term solution?

NavyandWhite · 31/08/2016 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NothingIsOK · 31/08/2016 20:03

The people who are scoffing at the OP have not been on the receiving end of persistent unwanted "help". I get it OP, and you have my sympathy.

Being ignored and disregarded is awful. It makes you feel powerless and invisible. Help is only helpful if it is welcome, otherwise it's just interference and intrusion.

Be firm. You have the right to choose who does your laundry and childcare.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 31/08/2016 20:04

Oh for goodness sake surely it doesn't take any imagination to realise how undermined and pushed out this makes OP feel? She's said that clearly in her post. We get no help and pay for twins to be in FT childcare. I wouldnt want it either. It's not lucky to have a MIL dominating your life

wombattoo · 31/08/2016 20:06

What is it exactly that you think "GP should be doing'?

ThePinkOcelot · 31/08/2016 20:06

I get where you are coming from OP. My MIL used to come and clean once a week years ago and whilst it was a help, it was also an invasion of privacy. She used to rearrange my cupboards and once organised all of my drawers and wardrobes. I was fuming. It didn't need done, she just did it regardless!! She got more than she bargained for one week though as she found a book called the Big O (orgasm). It was free with Cosmopolitan! I was a tad embarrassed but I bet she was too!

Original poster
bustifer · 31/08/2016 20:07

Thank you,
I just wanted a few other opinions. I will sort it.

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 31/08/2016 20:08

I suspect paying for childcare isn't the solution you prefer op. It's very expensive and tour mil is doing you s massive favour.

I have my grandchildren 3 days a week of course got free but at my house. I know if I was at my dils house I wouldn't be able to stop myself helping out by cleaning etc as I love her and my ds and would want to help them as I remember what it was like to work full time with kids.

However wouldn't dream of going into drawers.

She's treating you as another child.

Now it's up to you to grin and bear this awful situation of terminal help Wink or do you own washing and ironing and pay huge amounts in childcare.

Make your choice.

NavyandWhite · 31/08/2016 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bustifer · 31/08/2016 20:10

wombattoo, anything but my housework, hopefully being loving nurturing influence on my kids!

OP posts:
Dontyoulovecalpol · 31/08/2016 20:11

And that's what she's doing now navy, taking time off to resolve it

wombattoo · 31/08/2016 20:14

Well I hope mil is being just that. I'm sure she must love them if she looks after them so often, and she must care for you if she wants to the cleaning/washing. You'll have to tell her how much this irritates you.

AnnaMarlowe · 31/08/2016 20:21

The world is divided into two types of people:

Those who hate people who do their housework without asking (me)

Those who love it. (My Dsis)

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of "help" OP I know how annoying it can be.

If you are feeling invaded, undermined and excluded from your own house 4 days out of 5 then other child care arrangements have to be made.

It will eventually become damaging to your marriage.

MIL can go in a huff but she'll get over it.

FrancisCrawford · 31/08/2016 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorenipples · 31/08/2016 20:23

Yorkie aren't you the super gran from another thread? Surely as the perfect MIL and grandmother you would resist your urge to do housework if your DIL asked you not to?

OP good luck. As you are seeing this is the kind if problem some people get and some people don't. And that is why there are so many MIL threads IMO -when MIL is of one school of thought and DIL is of another it often ends in tension.

It's great your DH is on side. You need to work together to try and have a grown up relationship with your MIL and set some boundaries. If you can afford alternative child care or get your mum involved to shift the balance of power you should get control back more easily. If you have time off now, this may form a natural break and present an opportunity to change arrangements .

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2016 20:26

Keep laundry basket in your bedroom, put a lock on your bedroom door. Or sit her down and tell her you thoroughly appreciate the help with the childcare, but that you feel invaded and that she is upsetting you by going through stuff you don't want her to.

sonjadog · 31/08/2016 20:28

Two things to start with:

  1. Lock your bedroom door.
  1. Accept that she will sulk.
MimiSunshine · 31/08/2016 20:32

Hang on, she's in a huff with you because youve taken some time off so she's not needed for a few days?

presuably you've said its so you can spend time with the kids not to stop her undermining you?

Doesn't sound like you want to cut her off so maybe childcare for 2 out of the 4 days is needed, start weening her off a bit and I'd put the washing in the boot of your car every morning then when she eventually asks about it you can laugh (in a what are you like kind of way) and say it was the only way "I could get you to stop doing it", followed up with "honestly we hate the thought that you feel you have to do our housework, we just want you to have fun with the children"

SquedgieBeckenheim · 31/08/2016 20:34

I get it OP. It would drive me up the wall too. Your MIL is the same as mine, luckily I live a 7 hour drive from my MIL!
I honestly would put my children in paid childcare in your situation, at least for part of the week. If MIL had them the other part of the week I'd want them at hers or a lock on my bedroom door.
Hope you come to an acceptable resolution.

HeyDuggee24 · 31/08/2016 20:35

I can appreciate what a difficult position you're in OP (and I pay for childcare).

It seems to me that whatever you do to regain control will piss the MIL off. If you lock the bedroom door she will take offence and if you put your kids back in childcare she will too.

It's not easy but you have to decide whether you're gonna put up or if you endure the short-term fall out to get a better balance. If she really loves her son and dgc then it won't ruin their relationship.

GipsyDanger · 31/08/2016 20:36

Personally I would tell her in no uncertain terms she is not to go into your bedroom. If she ignores, I would be leaving a giant purple (and it has to be purple Grin) dildo, ball gag, strap on and lube etc.

Original poster
bustifer · 31/08/2016 20:37

MimiSunshine, I've tried that one before, and she still can take a hint, that's how tragic this is. And yes all I've told her is either I or DH are around the last few days so she's not needed and she huffed.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 31/08/2016 20:38

Why isn't your DH dealing with this?

CRazzyyAce · 31/08/2016 20:39

My ex's mother was like this would invade our privacy take dirty clothes rearrange cupboards and tidy when I went away for one night. She would demand when she would have DS. She would undermine me with sly digs horrible witch. I was glad when the relationship ended and I didn't have to see her again. My mil is lovely although I wish she was more involved in the DC lives she doesn't interfere.

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