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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have made dds get back in the pool?

100 replies

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 08:37

I'm feeling a bit shit and guilty this morning.

Yesterday I took my dds (15, 13 and 9) to an outdoor pool as the weather was so nice. I asked them if they wanted to go and they were keen. We don't have any outdoor pools nearby so we had about a 40 min drive but that was fine.

Arrived, they got changed and went in the pool. After a while I asked them if they wanted food and that we should order it as they stopped serving hot food after a certain time. Ordered food and when it came, they got out to eat.

Lazed around for a while while digesting and read etc. Later on, dd3 wanted to go back in the pool but with one of her sisters. Older two not keen on getting back in. I thought after travelling to the pool and paying admission, they should swim a bit more. Dd2 reluctantly got back in with dd3, but was sulky and obviously not enjoying it and dd3 was upset that her sister was in a bit of a mood.

Came home, dd1 told me I had been unreasonable, she had had her swim and that was enough.

I feel horribly guilty now, I think they are right. I didn't swim myself, in hindsight I probably should have.

So I've been horrible and controlling right?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 11:00

I think you're right meowli Older two are expected to watch dd3 for short periods as needs arise during the week, that's part and parcel of family life.

From dd1's perspective yesterday, she'd had her swim, she had dried off and was happy sitting reading in the shade and just didn't feel like getting in again. She's a good kid generally so I can't complain.

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 31/08/2016 11:01

Well the OP made the decision not to take a costume for herself knowing they were going to a lido in hot weather so it was a decision made in advance that she didn't want to swim with the children.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 31/08/2016 11:02

The parent and child relationship is not equal. I'm in charge. Life isn't fair sometimes, get over it.

I'm not mean to my kids, why would I be, but bloody hell some people are bringing up little emperors. I spend my life running round after my kids, if I (for once) decided they could take a turn as part of a supportive family, then they should damn well do so. I'm so surprised at how right on and 'fair' everyone is.

God help you when you need them and it puts them out.

Trifleorbust · 31/08/2016 11:03

Trafalgarl: So? She doesn't have to swim with the children.

maddiemookins16mum · 31/08/2016 11:05

I think you kind of broke the mood by ordering the hot food. If I'm on holiday, sim, have lunch, I never fancy getting back in the pool for a good couple of hours (normally cos I want to sleep on a sunbed, but you get my point). Stopping for food spoilt the momentum as such.

scaryteacher · 31/08/2016 11:15

bearleftmonkeyright Precisely...I think the OP was NBU, and I would have told the eldest DD to wind her neck in and have some gratitude for her Mum doing a longish drive so paying in petrol and time, and then pool fees and a meal, for her entertainment. I would also make it plain were I the OP that I would not be doing it again any time soon due to the lack of willingness to help out.

The eldest two sound like typically selfish and egotistical teenagers who need a boot up the rear end. My ds is 20 and is slowly coming out the end of this phase.

I bet the OP doesn't like having to cook each night, do the laundry etc, but she still does it. Having to contribute by looking after a sibling is the cost of family life sometimes.

2016Hopeful · 31/08/2016 11:22

You took your children on a treat - you had to drive them 40 mins and paid for lunch which was a nice thing to do. Also, you were doing it for them as demonstrated by the fact you didn't take a costume for yourself. So it is not unreasonable to expect them to make full use of the facilities and keep your youngest entertained in the water especially as it was hot yesterday anyway.

You are a good mother and really shouldn't let kids emotional blackmail get to you!!!

phillipp · 31/08/2016 11:56

I don't like the idea of siblings being responsible for entertaining the younger ones either. Not that it's solely the job of the parent but the siblings are entitled to have fun too and it will of course be different if there is an age gap.

This is how I feel.

Blimey, no wonder there are so many precious kids around who can't think outside the prism of their own existence.

I am probably just lucky that Dd chooses to spend time with Ds, without me having to force it. And she is lucky that when she feels like doing something else, that's ok too.

I think you're right meowli Older two are expected to watch dd3 for short periods as needs arise during the week, that's part and parcel of family life.

but in this case she was expected to play with her younger sister for a short period. She was expected to not do something she wanted to play with her younger sibling until the op felt they had value for money.

But I don't get how the op got value for money by not swimming. Or how she can say a certain amount of swimming is value for money.

Again, it's not a big deal but I can't get on board that it was right. It's just one of those things

meowli · 31/08/2016 12:29

She was expected to not do something she wanted to play with her younger sibling until the op felt they had value for money.

I thought the main reason was that the youngest wanted to go back in, didn't want to go in by herself, but the op didn't have a costume with her, having reasonably assumed that at least 2/3 dds would be happy swimming together periodically during the day. With it being a swimming pool and all.

I asked them if they wanted to go and they were keen.

bearleftmonkeyright · 31/08/2016 12:48

The value for money part is making sure that you are doing something that the dc want to do. And that's exactly what the op did. And she signs off her post by saying "I've been horrible and controlling right?". No, a thousand times no. I hate it when people kick an op who is obviously not confident. You really must take what your DD says as her naive opinion. They do this all the time. I asked my DD if she'd enjoyed her holiday last week amd she said "it was average" . We did our level best to give them a good time. This is what teenagers do and you absolutely cannot take it to heart.

Astoria797 · 31/08/2016 13:20

This probaby isn't about swimming. Do you let your youngest have her way a lot @ the expense of her older sisters?

merrymouse · 31/08/2016 15:32

It's fairly normal not to want to get back in the pool/sea once you have dried off and warmed up again.

merrymouse · 31/08/2016 15:35

OP, you don't have to call everything perfectly all the time and your children are allowed to be grumpy sometimes.

You all sound pretty normal to me.

Ditsy4 · 01/09/2016 07:16

Goodness there are going to be a lot of precious princesses about in the next generation.
My cousin and I used to go swimming to an outdoor pool a lot. We went for the day and walked there and back about a mile and a half. We never got to go on our own we took at least three or sometimes four siblings either hers or mine or a combination. If we wanted to go to the pool and be given money to get in that was the deal. We had a swim for an hour or two then some lunch ( mostly sandwiches we had made) and after a sunbathe had to get back in whenever one of the younger ones were ready even if we weren't. It was part of being a family and having siblings. We both grew into responsible adults and parents. We never resented it or were precious about it. We all had a good day out and certainly had our money's worth.
OP said she isn't a confident swimmer, the kids wanted to go swimming, she was willing to take them and treat them to lunch out and maybe just maybe she wanted a little time and relaxation while they swam. Why an earth shouldn't she ask the older one to go back in with the younger one? I would have done the same as it is part of being a family you help and support each other.
OP I wouldn't give it another thought. Give them guidelines be the parent. So next time you could : take your costume, tell them before what you expect and if they want to go then they agree and maybe just take a packed lunch or go earlier and finish with lunch elsewhere. Teenagers are moany and ungrateful at times. Ignore it. Enjoy the rest of the hols then back to being the hamster on the wheel.

bearleftmonkeyright · 01/09/2016 08:21

This probaby isn't about swimming. Do you let your youngest have her way a lot @ the expense of her older sisters?

You're right, it probably isn't about swimming, but there is nothing in the op that suggests that the youngest gets her own way all the time at the expense of her older sisters. It just sounds like normal family life and a parent that's disappointed that the lovely family day out didn't turn out the way she expected. This happens all the time in every family. Its the last week of the school holidays in England and everyone is at breaking point. Me in particular!

2rebecca · 01/09/2016 09:29

Why is the older child being a "precious princess" for not wanting to get back in the pool?
Why is the youngest child not a "precious princess" for refusing to go in the pool on her own and expecting her older sisters to go in and entertain her even if they don't want to?
We used to go to an open air pool a lot as kids and as the eldest child I don't recall ever being forced in to the pool to entertain my younger sibs. If they wanted to swim they swam. Swimming doesn't have to be a group activity, even the sort of mucking about swimming when you are doing hand stands and picking toys up from the bottom.
I don't think that how much enjoyment you get from an outdoor pool is related to how long you spend in it.

Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 09:33

What 2rebecca said.

I took my dc to a water park the other week. Took us a while to drive there. Once we was there they played for about an hour and then didn't want to anymore. Should i have forced them back in because I drove all that way? Or should I have respected that they had had enough and left?

I of course respected their choice to have had enough. The water was cold, the older children were having a water fight and my oldest was a bit frightened (3 years old) and they had had enough.

Doesn't make her a princess or entitled. She had done the activity and she had finished

Original poster

Dancergirl · 01/09/2016 09:37

Thanks all, your comments are all much appreciated. As someone said upthread, I think I made the mistake with the food. Should have had a light lunch beforehand then they wouldn't have had to come out the pool to eat. Bit of bad planning on my part, oh well lesson learnt!

OP posts:

CancellyMcChequeface · 01/09/2016 10:08

There are some odd attitudes on this thread.

It sounds as if the swimming trip was meant to be a treat. That puts it in a different category to expecting older siblings to help with babysitting, walks to after school club and so on. This is not the older DDs refusing to do a chore and the parent needing to assert authority, it's presumably something the OP arranged for everyone to enjoy.

I'd hate to be told I had to swim a certain number of times, go on a certain number of rides at a theme park, or anything else of that sort because someone else thought it should be fun for me or I should get my money's worth. It's a sunk cost. Enforced fun is not fun.

So, OP, I think you were a bit too controlling, but it's hardly the crime of the century! No parent (or person) is perfect. :)

scaryteacher · 01/09/2016 10:19

I think the OP was remarkably restrained in not telling her eldest dd where to get off actually. If I were told by a teen that I had put myself out to entertain that 'she had her swim and that was enough', so I was unreasonable in asking her to swim again, then the snotty little madam might just find that things didn't get done that normally happen, like clean clothes, as I would have washed my own, and that was enough, or the food she likes etc. Lifts wouldn't be happening for a while either until she got the point.

No wonder we have so many special snowflakes about.

The OP was not controlling in the least, and shouldn't feel guilty. A bit more robust parenting is needed at times.

2rebecca · 01/09/2016 10:34

But that is putting the youngest child's desire to swim ahead of the oldest child's desire not to swim.
Neither child was being unreasonable or snotty.
I think sometimes younger children are less good at being on their own and being resourceful than older children and not being accompanied in all activities by older sibs can be good for them. It was only a few minutes of swimming.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 01/09/2016 10:37

scary it's difficult to tell how kids really are on the basis of one thread. Dd1 is no way a special snowflake or a madam. She's actually a very easy teen who helps out at home, looks after dd3 when needed and is generally quite appreciative of all we do for her.

Dd3 on the other hand.....much more attitude. In fact I have posted recently about her behaviour. But in this case she wasn't being a madam, she just wanted someone to swim with.

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 01/09/2016 10:49

Not controlling no, think you're being pretty harsh on yourself there OP.
It wasn't a big ask & I might have done the same, I'd definitely have taken swim stuff though but I enjoy joining in with that sort of activity-not everyone does.

scaryteacher · 01/09/2016 17:12

dancer If dd1 is appreciative, why not this time? It wasn't a big ask from you, and you were not being unreasonable, dd1 was in telling you that you were.

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 01/09/2016 17:22

I think it was a good lesson in not always being able to do what you want to.

I'm glad my kids are adults - parenting is very angsty these days.

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