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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have made dds get back in the pool?

100 replies

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 08:37

I'm feeling a bit shit and guilty this morning.

Yesterday I took my dds (15, 13 and 9) to an outdoor pool as the weather was so nice. I asked them if they wanted to go and they were keen. We don't have any outdoor pools nearby so we had about a 40 min drive but that was fine.

Arrived, they got changed and went in the pool. After a while I asked them if they wanted food and that we should order it as they stopped serving hot food after a certain time. Ordered food and when it came, they got out to eat.

Lazed around for a while while digesting and read etc. Later on, dd3 wanted to go back in the pool but with one of her sisters. Older two not keen on getting back in. I thought after travelling to the pool and paying admission, they should swim a bit more. Dd2 reluctantly got back in with dd3, but was sulky and obviously not enjoying it and dd3 was upset that her sister was in a bit of a mood.

Came home, dd1 told me I had been unreasonable, she had had her swim and that was enough.

I feel horribly guilty now, I think they are right. I didn't swim myself, in hindsight I probably should have.

So I've been horrible and controlling right?

OP posts:

Yourface · 31/08/2016 09:43

I'd have done what you did.

NavyandWhite · 31/08/2016 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 31/08/2016 09:49

Phillip: And I really dislike the trendy "We're all the same, man" attitude that typifies the opposite position. No, we're not. In my family, parents are in charge. Children do what is asked and expected of them, within reason.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 09:49

The children wanted to swim; OP took them swimming. Why does it matter that she didn't want to swim herself? She's the adult, she can sunbathe if she wants to.

Mine are 10 and 13 and they will swim on their own, but I feel pretty guilty not getting in at all. For the most part I'd rather read but I try to be a sport about it or they'd swim a lot less themselves.

Anyway it's hardly a big deal one way or another, OP - don't worry about it!

meowli · 31/08/2016 09:52

When I had Ds it out no obligation on Dd at all.

I don't really subscribe to the attitude that each child in a family is completely autonomous, with no responsibility towards their siblings. Surely that's the way a family, and wider society, normally functions, with the older, more experienced all playing a part in raising the younger ones? That's leading by example in my book, not taking on the mantle of doing everything yourself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2016 09:55

I don't subscribe to that attitude either, meowli but I think sibling relationships are better fostered between the siblings themselves without 'enforcement' from the parent. I adored my brothers, still do, but back then when we were kids, my mother's overly pushy instructions made me want to defy her.

But then admittedly, I'm contrary by nature.

alltouchedout · 31/08/2016 09:56

I think you were BU a bit and should have been swimming yourself, but it's not worth getting upset over. Don't make a habit of forcing one dc to do something they don't want to do to please another (especially when you're not prepared to do it yourself) but at the end of the day, it's not a huge deal. I hope your middle dc isn't making it into one.
And I was wishing yesterday for an outdoor pool. Am envious :)

liz70 · 31/08/2016 09:56

"But I don't like the attitude that siblings must entertain each other as and when parents demand."

Agreed. I have DDs aged 17, 16 and 7. DD3 is mine and DH's responsibility, not her sisters'. In this instance I would have swum/splashed about with DD3 myself, rather than sit at the side and watch two grumpy teenagers who clearly didn't want to do so. Who wants to have an older sibling playing with them if they're obviously being forced?

Original poster

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 09:56

I'm not overly keen on swimming but I do spend a massive amount of playing and being with my dc. I play a LOT with dd3 because of the age gap and she's a bit on her own often.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 09:58

On holiday I got in the pool for at least some of the time on the days we were swimming, it's not as if I always sit on the side and watch.

Ok so lesson learnt - take my swimming stuff next time!

OP posts:

phillipp · 31/08/2016 10:02

Surely that's the way a family, and wider society, normally functions, with the older, more experienced all playing a part in raising the younger ones? That's leading by example in my book, not taking on the mantle of doing everything yourself.

My Dd chooses to do all sorts with my son. But she has no obligation to. She has no obligation to be the one I charge of him either.

I don't do everything myself, but I do entertain my own child of the older child doesn't want to.

I certainly wouldn't go swimming, not take my kit and expect the older kids must do what the youngest wants. I would let the older ones do as they wanted and get involved in what the youngest wants to do if they are to young to be alone. Like I said it's not a huge deal. But not something I would do.

merrymouse · 31/08/2016 10:04

I can understand my children doing something I wouldn't want to do. I hope they understand that sometimes I want to do things they wouldn't want to do.

I can't understand making them do something that I would neither want to do nor would have any intention of doing myself.

(That is more a general point than related to the OP).

trafalgargal · 31/08/2016 10:04

Forcing siblings to play together when they don't want to probably was never going to end well (especially if they usually do play together OK) and sets up resentments that the sibling you are forcing them to look after/supervise will be the one to pay for in the long run not you. Three is always a difficult number in any dynamic anyway.

I'd treat the incident as a learning experience , I think the fact your eldest was motivated enough to talk with you about it afterwards speaks volumes both about how she felt about it and about the fact you have a good relationship that she could.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 10:05

Thank you trafal

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 31/08/2016 10:09

I don't like the idea of siblings being responsible for entertaining the younger ones either. Not that it's solely the job of the parent but the siblings are entitled to have fun too and it will of course be different if there is an age gap.

In this case, it does sound as if the OP has realised that she could have handled it differently, and I also appreciate the feeling of needing a bit of rest from being the playmate!

bearleftmonkeyright · 31/08/2016 10:12

You are way, way over thinking this. I think your older DD was rude to you. In any event forget it, there is no lesson to be learnt here because you've done nothing wrong. What was the big deal of your older girl getting back in the pool for a bit? Blimey, no wonder there are so many precious kids around who can't think outside the prism of their own existence. I have a 14 year old DD and she would have been given short shrift from me with that attitude towards her 8 year old brother.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 10:24

I'm more than happy to force my oldest to help out with my youngest, but I feel a bit of a misery guts for not joining at least a bit in when it's something 'fun' (like swimming) rather than a chore e.g. fetching him from an after-school club.

trafalgargal · 31/08/2016 10:31

I do think that if you choose to have a small well spaced family you do need to be prepared to accomadate them all and accept that a fifteen and a nine year old aren't natural playmates and so that role sometimes is yours. With larger families the dynamic is a bit different as the older ones tend to be in an almost mini parental role at times through sheer logistics (based on my own observations of cousins where family size ranges from 2 kids up to 7)

MylaMimi · 31/08/2016 10:37

Well. Sometimes there is no right. Also an occasional "because I said so" is part of family life. As an adult there will be times when your DD feels her boss, tutor or whatever has been unreasonable. I doubt they will feel "horribly guilty" about it. The same for when she's older and her group of friends don't want to go somewhere she wants, or vice versa. I guess I'm saying it's just part of life.

Also, once you have picked a lane, you should stick in it. At the time you felt it right that your other DDs go back in the pool with the youngest. If you back down you are handing your DD the power. You were the adult, you made the decision. All I would do is maybe plan things differently for next time. i.e. be prepared to go swimming yourself; tell them that it's swim, lunch, swim in advance, or swim, lunch, home or whatever.

For this I would say something that acknowledges your DD's feelings without backtracking on your decision. E.g. I understand that you didn't want to go back into the water. But that's sometimes part of being a family, doing things for each other that we don't always feel like doing. Learning to do things with a smile on our face. Not everything that's a joint activity will suit all four people, so there's times when we just have to suck it up.

RhiWrites · 31/08/2016 10:37

I do think it's unreasonable to expect and older sibling to entertain/babysit a younger one, especially when the reason is the adult isn't willing to do it themselves.

Still OP realises she was unreasonable and should have swum herself, so she'll do this differently another time.

Trifleorbust · 31/08/2016 10:38

I want my kids to grow up with a sense of responsibility for each other that will last into adulthood. That may involve the older ones playing with or watching the younger ones. It may involve the younger ones giving consideration to the older ones, e.g. leaving them alone to study or socialise. It may involve them socialising together. The more I encourage this, the better a relationship I think they will have when they are older.

george1020 · 31/08/2016 10:41

I would have told older DD that it would be a nice thing to do for younger sister to have a short swim with her and tbh would have expected her to do the kind thing and at least splash about for another 10 mins or something. I would also expect young DD to have compromised on amount of time she wanted to get back in for.

I would be a bit disappointed if she felt so entitled that her happiness and wants came before everyone else and she wouldn't compromise.

Different thing if DD was happy to sunbathe and younger DD was happy to swim alone/near DD

Original poster

Dancergirl · 31/08/2016 10:42

Also, once you have picked a lane, you should stick in it

I think this is largely my problem at other times as well. I do struggle sometimes as I had a dysfunctional childhood with very few boundaries and no siblings of my generation. I was more my mum's companion than child and I try very hard to give my dc a different upbringing.

But I know I dither too much about things and can be indecisive about parenting decisions.

OP posts:

bearleftmonkeyright · 31/08/2016 10:54

Well the op in my opinion wasn't unreasonable. I would have done exactly what she did. The only thing that I would have done differently is stuck to her guns. A nice day out like that is beyond the reach of so many families. And DD comes home moaning about swimming a bit longer and that's OK and we are all OK to make her feel guilty about her parenting decision and backing up a 15 year old girl? I would have done it the way the op had done it. Not everyone would. And that's OK.

meowli · 31/08/2016 10:55

I wasn't suggesting that parents foist younger siblings onto the older ones full-time, or anything more onerous than helping out, when the parent is doing something else, or otherwise can't oblige. Having no costume is a pretty good reason not to go swimming!

It goes without saying that all the dc in a family are ultimately the parents' responsibility, but I do think that older siblings, on occasion should be willing to help out with the younger ones with good grace, if the need arises.

It's not surprising that so many teenagers find it difficult to come to terms with any sort of constraint on their 'freedom', when there is so little expectation that they will sometimes have to do things they don't really want to , like 100% of the human race.

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